Absent dad just coming in and taking over..

[MumOfOne92]

Not that it's happening, I just fear it will.

Like the absent dad of my 6 month old (who has never so much as clapped eyes on her) suddenly decides he wants to come in to her life and take over everything, take her to live with him etc..

I know chances are he won't bother, but what if he does. I just want to be prepared, I'd miss her if she was away for a time.

Sorry if this doesn't belong on AIBU, but the lone parent's board doesn't get much traffic!

I suggest you get some proper legal advice. Not from the GFs on here. If you are really concerned you could investigate applying for parental responsibility for someone else (such as your parents), a child can have more than 2 people who have parental responsibility for them. But that might not even be necessary, some straight forward legal advice could set your mind at rest.

A court is not going to decide on the death of the mother to hand over care to a father the child has never even met. For all their faults SS, do not take less care over a child than you would rehoming a Dog.

Having spoken to a solicitor about this in length, bio dad can fight for custody if I die. However, SS would get involved first given he has no contact with my DD. My will means jack shit sadly as he is on the BC, but if he weren't it would be up to him to engage with services to get DD.

They won't hand a child over to a stranger regardless of DNA. But he could fight for custody. And parents don't have rights over their children. We have responsibilities towards them.

Ignore the sanctimonious bullshit from some posters. I wonder what would be said if you had used a condom & it broke? Failed protection just as much as the pill not working have experience of that one & it pisses me off when people get holier than thou spouting about lack of protection

@purpleelk they wouldn't be hiding it as such, just not broadcasting it. I wouldn't want it broadcast even if I had no children, the fact he wouldn't have known shows no attempt to contact me or having anything to with my little girl. I have informed him of her, I have attempted to contact him to arrange access, even invited him to the BC appointment! I have done everything in my power, but he is showing zero interest.

I know full well that the courts won't give too hoots about how feel, it's about my little girl being handed over to a total stranger who has even so much as acknowledged her existence. That is not in the best interests of my daughter.

Clearly you misunderstood my post. I just fear him taking her at a young age to a load of strangers, including him, to an unknown environment and alienating her from my family who she has known since day dot.

Can you not see from my posts he doesn't give a flying f**k.

@ZoeWashburne I have £200k level term life insurance but definitely need to go about setting my wishes out (although I'm aware Spermy can fight this!)

@Shookethtothecore you could maybe try the adoption route if exh agrees, it would then relinquish his rights as a parent..

@enidalton I don't take child support from him, a court wouldn't know who the father was. He'd physically have to come forward and say he's the father.

He has never paid maintenance, I'm not for financial ffs. I can afford to look after myself. I'd rather he be her dad than give me money.

Stop talking to me like I'm some silly little girl who got herself knocked up as if I hadn't tried to protect myself. I did, my contraception FAILED.

I think it would be best to learn some relaxation techniques and possibly meditation.

You can't control the future.

He may change as he gets older and be a positive in your DD's life, as would any Siblings. At the moment, she's missing half a Family.

Or he may never bother with her, which is going to cause her some pain, growing up. You get over it because you realise that it's best you didn't know them.

It would take a year, at least, to get overnights or residency, if you died.

He couldn't cut your side of the Family out, because there is an existing relationship. There would be SS/CAFCASS involment and it would be a requirement of theirs that he would maintain a relationship with wider Family.

But that's a lot of 'what ifs' and worry about the future takes off the here and now.

I hope this comes across okay but honestly kids are a worry. Full stop. You have found your main worry - for the moment - but if it wasn’t this it would be something else. Your heart is bursting with love so in your quiet moments you either feel content or every worry surfaces. It’s perfectly natural because you are processing your biggest job, your biggest relationship to date. You sound very sorted for the ‘what if’....organised family support, life insurance, will etc but are anxious about the things you can’t control. You sound though as if you are doing a great thoughtful job. Try not to to give yourself a hard time in the process. You are as prepared as you can be.

You arn't correct about a judge not handing the child over to a father however, just because he doesn't know her. In a situation such as the death of a mother the child will go to the closest living relative which would be the father. Just because the grandparents had a good relationship with her is not relevant, nor is the wishes of the mother. There would have to be evidence that the father was unable to look after her.

The child will go into the care of the person or people best placed to look after her.

There has to be evidence that the person can look after the child. Their actual relationship to the child isn’t the important thing; the well-being and welfare of the child is.

A father would argue that it is more important than ever before that he now step up and take the role he'd failed to previously. A judge would have to be bonkers or have to have something more than just knowing the grandparents well to not give custody to the closest living relative. If the OP wishes to arrange custody in the case of her death she should get the father to relinquish his responsibility. However, remember this would also relinquish any child support payments that were taken from him too.

The judge would have to be bonkers, and ignorant of his or her responsibilities, if the fact someone was the closest living relative to a child was the major factor in deciding what should happen.

And the mother in this case doesn’t have to organise relinquishing anything because the father has no parental responsibility. He would have to apply for that should he want it.

Apologies, OP. I misunderstood and thought the father didn’t realise he had a child at all.

Honestly, we all worry about this sort of shite. DH and I are only kids. He’s got a huge family but doesn’t make an effort with any of them, except a couple of aunts in their 70/80s. His parents are dead. Mine are elderly and have maybe 5-10 years at most. My closest cousins, who we would want as guardians for our kids, live in another country (along with my parents). If DH and I died in a car accident today, our kids would either be put into care in UK or they’d have to move to a foreign country with my parents and my cousin would need to start a very long and complicated adoption process. We have had long discussions about how to write our wills to financially facilitate this if we died and my parents had guardianship, as cousin has kids of his own and lives in a tiny house... a large family house like they’d need with ours combined don’t come on market often where they live... what I’m saying is you’re not alone. We all wake up in cold sweat and think what would happen to our kids if we suddenly went.... it’s the part of being a parent nobody talks about.

Also, OP, not that you should be worrying, but your DD resides with you. Even if he gets PR and access, he always has to return her.

Even a threat to not bring her back is taken seriously, my DD has just gone through it with her ex, who has been involved from Birth.

I wouldnt worry. Its unlikely he will change his mind. My ex wanted nothing to do with my baby and we actually had a relationship and 3 other children together. He walked away when I was pregnant and hasnt bothered since. Doesnt sound like he wants to see your DC tbh so I would try not to worry.

The fears that you have are resurfacing for me because DD has started asking to see him. No matter how irrational, the fear is very real!

Came on here to say this. Be prepared for further down the line for her to want to reunite with him, and try to be supportive of this if this is what she wants. My DM had a massive issue with this, made it all about her and how I was betraying her so I held back to protect her feelings and I resent her for this to this day. I think it is very natural for a child to be curious about their biological parents at some stage and IMO this is their right (unless the parent is an abuser).

Enjoy your daughter OP, congratulations btw

I think unless you are a single parent you maybe don't get how vulnerable you can feel bringing a child up on your own. It's certainly something I've worried about but in my case it's leaving my DC with a dad
who puts his own interests first but at least they know him.
I'd get some legal advice OP to try to put your mind at rest and ignore some of the goadier posters on here.

@mumofone we would love dh to adopt him. It is the end goal for sure but I am scared to rock the boat with spermy as at the moment he leaves us well alone and that’s how I would like it. I just don’t know his reaction and this is what goes back and for in my mind. We are hoping to leave it as long as possible before any legal action to ensure the court sees its in my son’s best interest to be adopted by the man that has brought him up for security in the future

"If the OP wishes to arrange custody in the case of her death she should get the father to relinquish his responsibility. However, remember this would also relinquish any child support payments that were taken from him too."

This is completely incorrect. The poster (enidalton) is full of shit.