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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Absent dad just coming in and taking over..

67 replies

MumOfOne92 · 26/02/2019 01:16

Not that it's happening, I just fear it will.

Like the absent dad of my 6 month old (who has never so much as clapped eyes on her) suddenly decides he wants to come in to her life and take over everything, take her to live with him etc..

I know chances are he won't bother, but what if he does. I just want to be prepared, I'd miss her if she was away for a time.

Sorry if this doesn't belong on AIBU, but the lone parent's board doesn't get much traffic!

OP posts:
kateandme · 26/02/2019 04:28

would you mind if he came forward though and realised hes been shit and wanted to be in his daughters life.
if he could be a great dad surely youd want him to be that and then she would go to him for things.would that be ok?

Original poster
MumOfOne92 · 26/02/2019 04:29

@HeadSpace1 what on earth has given you the idea I would turn up in 5 years when he has a new wife? It's him turning up and demanding all sorts that worries me, so I'm certainly not going to the same. He already has a new girlfriend and I'm not jumping down his throat.

I wouldn't force him to be part of my little girl's life, as you said I chose to carry on with a pregnancy.

It's him being able to barge in if he pleases and take over that worries me.

OP posts:
Original poster
MumOfOne92 · 26/02/2019 04:34

@kateandme it's not about me, so of course if he truly wanted to be part of her life then yes of course that would be okay!

I would want baby steps with contact as he is a stranger to her. I just don't want him barging in, making demands and taking over when she has no clue who he is. Same if something happened to me, I'd hate to think he would stop access from my parents etc who have been solidly involved in her life fron day one! I also hate to think he'd take her and she'd never know who I was.

But absolutely if he proved himself and was stable etc then of course, baby has a right to her dad!

I'd just hate it, if he took for contact and refused to return her too... god all these ifs and buts I can't stop thinking about!

OP posts:
Original poster
MumOfOne92 · 26/02/2019 04:36

@Rtmhwales I know not all men a shits, but most I have encountered are. With the exception of my Gramp - he's set in his ways but has a good heart!

OP posts:
Original poster
MumOfOne92 · 26/02/2019 04:38

@HeadSpace1 and the only thing that bothers me about any future children he may have will essentially be her siblings!

OP posts:
enidalton · 26/02/2019 05:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

enidalton · 26/02/2019 05:05

That sound like I'm talking to you as a child and that's not how i mean it to sound I'm just simplifying my points.

Original poster
MumOfOne92 · 26/02/2019 05:16

@enidalton no, you are probably meaning sound that patronising. I was taking the contraceptive pill so as far as I was concerned I was protected, I thought nothing more of it being a casual encounter until I found I was with child.

So no, choice is not the word. I was far to intoxicated to know whether he used something or not, I thought he did! Clearly not, and the protection I did have clearly didn't work!

Please don't call it unprotected sex, I was using contraception. Condescending nitwit.

OP posts:
Original poster
MumOfOne92 · 26/02/2019 05:19

I did accept my responsibility (I love my little girl more than life itself!), he however refuses to!

You can't go about life with the fear of falling pregnant of years on the pill without!

OP posts:
Itsnotme123 · 26/02/2019 05:19

There’s too many ifs and buts though. If he decides he wants contact. If you die. Both sound quite unlikely, so I think you’re worrying for nothing.

He’s not shown any interest at all so far. And you have to die before he has a right to come near her.

Original poster
MumOfOne92 · 26/02/2019 05:30

@Itsnotme123 thank you, I don't normally worry about things like this - just when I have had lack if sleep and too much time to dwell!

OP posts:
Itsnotme123 · 26/02/2019 05:31

I can remember a friend of mine, our children started nursery together, and one day, we were collecting the kids and taking them to the park over the road. She was on the phone as we were nearing the park, saying quite strong words down the phone and being defensive. Apparently it was her child’s father who had taken no interest in him, but wanted to see him. She told me he was a shit, and she didn’t want him flitting in and out of her sons life confusing him.

The child is now 20 years old and still has never met the dad since a baby. The mother had a brief affair with him, but brought up the child on her own.

enidalton · 26/02/2019 05:41

I only call it unprotected because it was. Whether in the moment or not and drunk or not, the reason for not using a condom doesn't matter. What matters and makes it unprotected sex was the fact that one was not used at all. I'm not berating you I was just saying in the first place that you are taking responsibility for the choices you decided to make in choosing him.

I would love to see him take a balanced role with you and I think its a shame he hasn't seen her and doesn't chose to. Hopefully sooner rather than later you will both play a more equal role in her life

GirlFliesHome · 26/02/2019 05:56

Op.... it really sounds like you have anxiety, you poor darling.Thanks

I recommend this alot and people always shoot it down as being too expensive.. but can you go to a family solicitor for a quick half hour appointment to run through all these queries for you and explain what would happen 'if'?

Ring around for prices. Some firms offer free half hours, others don't. My dear friend was in a similar situation(except the dad was on the BC) and her local firm charged £90.00 to give her a half hour appointment and tell her the outcome of all likely scenarios. She came away happy and knowing that actually, her fears had built up in her mind so much and they were largely unfounded.

lyralalala · 26/02/2019 05:59

Firstly - he could apply to a court for parental responsibility not parental rights and the subtle difference in that make a big difference, especially in the situation of your fear of death. If he went to court he'd be obtaining responsibilities, not rights. The rights all belong to the child. A judge isn't going to hand over a child to a complete stranger at an already traumatic time.

You can't leave your child in your will, but you can leave your wishes known. And you should do that clearly. State that you wish your child to reside with your parents as they have never met or known their father.

cauliflowersqueeze · 26/02/2019 06:23

Honestly he clearly doesn’t want anything to do with her. I’d stop worrying.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 26/02/2019 06:28

Why are all these worries plaguing you OP

If you are stressing I strongly advise taking some control

Write a will
Buy a book on family law and educate yourself

Doing this gives you some control back . As a general rule they don’t tend to come back . And if they do there are rules in place . But knowing said rules will reassure you Flowers

Original poster
MumOfOne92 · 26/02/2019 07:02

@enidalton you ARE berating me.

Thank you everyone for your advice and input. I know I'm worrying over nothing..

OP posts:
ZoeWashburne · 26/02/2019 07:09

It’s natural to fear death, and emotions are all over the place with a baby. But you should take control of it. You should take out some life insurance on yourself to go to your daughter. You should also draft a will, that clearly states what your wishes are for your daughter if something were to happen to you (ie: sole custody should go to your sister/brother/best friend/ whatever).

agirlhasnonameX · 26/02/2019 07:11

OP glad your not paying attention to @enidalton Hmm
11 years ago I was in a similar situation (only my ex was abusive). I'd worry constantly about him taking my DD. 11 years later and he still doesn't know her.
He can't just suddenly decide to waltz in and take her. He'd have to go through court and then prove he was going to be a good and consistent father and explain his absence. If he proves he can be a good dad, you'd have nothing to worry about.
It's natural to worry about the worst happening when you become a parent, talk to your parents about eventualities if you feel she'd be safer there and maybe your GP to discuss your concerns.
It will get easier x

purpleelk · 26/02/2019 07:12

The thing is, a court isn’t going to give a shiny toss about how you feel. Their job is to decide what would be in the child’s best interest.

If the mother prevents the child from having a relationship with her father (by not informing the father of the child, by her parents hiding her death -wtf!? - from the father).. well, the court is going to view YOU as not doing what’s in your daughter’s best interest.

Shookethtothecore · 26/02/2019 07:18

@mumofone
You have described my fears in full, except ds1’s bio “father” is on the birth cert as I was married to him. He has never seen him doesn’t want anything to do with him, he is now 7
Dh has brought him up from 2 and they have a wonderful bond. We have more children now and are a happy little family.
I agonise about what would happen to him if I go and have the same requests to my parents and dh to take him away, don’t tell anyone just leave the country with them. It stops me doing risky things as I think “I can’t go, what would happen to ds1”
I also hate the thought that one day he might want to meet him. I worry that I can’t give ds1 a happy enough life that we are enough for him; or in his teenage angst he will do it just to spite me. I know exactly how you feel and it is aweful. I don’t even know if I can get exh to relinquish rights and give them to dh? Tbh in all realistic scenarios he isn’t going to want to have anything to do with him, it’s been 7 years. But I’m too scared to go to court incase it rocks the boat

enidalton · 26/02/2019 07:24

@lyralalala
Thankyou I don't think there was any confusion over was meant though in that it was the fathers right to get parental responsibilitythat would be namely custody from a court.

You arn't correct about a judge not handing the child over to a father however, just because he doesn't know her. In a situation such as the death of a mother the child will go to the closest living relative which would be the father. Just because the grandparents had a good relationship with her is not relevant, nor is the wishes of the mother. There would have to be evidence that the father was unable to look after her.

A father would argue that it is more important than ever before that he now step up and take the role he'd failed to previously. A judge would have to be bonkers or have to have something more than just knowing the grandparents well to not give custody to the closest living relative. If the OP wishes to arrange custody in the case of her death she should get the father to relinquish his responsibility. However, remember this would also relinquish any child support payments that were taken from him too.

slipperywhensparticus · 26/02/2019 07:29

Enidaltan is a goady poster ignore

Pissedoffdotcom · 26/02/2019 07:38

My DD is 6 & hasn't seen her sperm donor since she was 6 months old. She has no memory of him. He lives 15 minutes down the road & is on her BC. The fears that you have are resurfacing for me because DD has started asking to see him. No matter how irrational, the fear is very real!

You have an advantage because he isn't on her BC; he would have to go to bigger lengths to get access etc.

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