To think OH isn't careful enough with the baby?

[SchlickShlock]

My little boy is 10 months old. He's just started crawling and pulling himself up and is into everything. I'm still on maternity leave so spend all day with him.

My OH works long hours but has adjusted his day so that he can be home for an hour or so to see the baby before bedtime. Great! Apart from over the last few weeks this hour before bed has just become a mad house. OH rough houses and tosses the baby around like he's a rugby ball. In the past week the baby has had two nose bleeds, one from head banging with OH and one from being dropped. Just tonight while I was tidying up in the kitchen (having five minutes peace!) the baby has screamed.... When I've gone in to see what's happened OH says he hit his head on a toy. He hits his head a lot during the day but never hard enough to scream. OH won't let me take him, calms him down and I leave the room, less than five minutes later the baby is screaming again apparently this time because he's hit the cupboard.

I just feel like I can't trust my OH to spend time with him alone. He's so rough with him and doesn't seem to understand that he's not old enough for the kind of energetic playing OH is used to doing with his (older) nieces and nephews.

It doesn't help that it's just before bed, he's tired and a bit cranky and my OH is trying to make up for all the hours he's missed while he is at work.

Am I being unreasonable or should I expect my OH to listen to me and dial it back a bit, play more gently and try and prevent any more injuries?

I know we can be overprotective but accidentally or not, your dh is hurting your baby, or not preventing him from hurting himself. He’s being irresponsible and can’t be relied on to take proper care of your ds. Be very firm and stand your ground. If he says oh he’s fine stop fussing, say no he’s not fine, he’s already been injured by rough play several times, he’s too small and can’t protect himself.

no I am not scared of him at all. He's not purposefully being violent!!

That's not what I meant. DH one told me to go to bed and he would take newborn DD. He was (idiotically) intending to sit on the bed in a dark room with his eyes closed but insisted he "wouldn't fall asleep". (Of course he would have, he was tired.) I told him in no uncertain terms that he was not to do this, at its not a safe sleeping arrangement, and if he did, I would fucking divorce him. He listened. It seems like you are scared to tell him in no uncertain terms to STOP. HURTING. THE BABY!

I think this is really concerning, you need to put a stop to it now. I agree girl, these are not accidents. You really need to protect your baby. He could sustain a head injury or worse.

he is horrified, he is upset that hes hurt.

After the first time he stopped throwing him around, then after the second time he stopped letting him crawl on the bed, when he bangs his head on something he stops him playing with it..... The problem is he doesn't think ahead enough to assess what's going to cause an accident, what's appropriate for his age etc. That's what he needs to change, rather than just reacting after an accident.

Jesus christ op. I had a toddler dd and I’ve had 2 accidents with her. Neither one caused a nosebleed or any lasting damage. Accidents happen, that’s life with small children.

These are not accidents. He’s not changed his behaviour after he’s caused a hideous injury to his own child. I have to agree with Sheep, if I knew you I’d be contacting SS asap. What a horrifying way to treat a baby. You have got to put your ds first and stop this. And if he doesn’t see sense he leaves. Is as simple as that.

Maybe the issue is that he doesn't listen to me or respect my opinion

And what makes you think he'll have more respect for random women on mumsnet?

As an aside, deliberate violence by people who want to get away with it tends to be more subtle and disguised as accidents, rather than the blatantly obvious punch-in-the-face variety...

he is horrified, he is upset that hes hurt.

Not enough to change his behaviour. What does that tell you?

Normal peopel owuld have toned down the orugh house the first time the babay was hurtn

Either he has the IQ of a slug, or he is an abusive monster who gets kicks out of hurting your baby when you're not in the room.

given he seems to hold down a job and otherwise function normally, I'm going for the second option.

There’s rough play and accident injuries, it happens.

How the hell does a baby get 2 ‘accidental’ injuries from a bit of rough play? I would have him in the house never mind on his own with the baby.

Would you feel comfortable telling your health visitor about this?

My 2 year old had a graze in his head from a fall the day before, health visitor saw and asked me about this and I said what happened and with the way dd was tearing around the room she could see how this happened.

For your baby’s age, I don’t understand how he got a nosebleed from rough ‘play’.

I don’t think you’re OH is being abusive. He just needs to get a clue when it comes to the baby.
Some folk are very physical, they don’t know their own strength. You need to spell it out to him.

Not only is he not altering his "playing", he doesn't give a shit that his baby has been left bleeding TWICE because of him.

If it was me, I would LTB. He is not a good father, everything has to be his way no matter how much pain and damage.
Get out now.
As fast as you can

Please, protect your baby.

This is not normal behaviour

Is he the baby's biological father?

OP, I have a daughter similar in age to your son. I would absolutely not under any circumstances leave my baby alone with anyone who had injured a baby to the point of bleeding twice. You shouldn't either.

What are you waiting for?

A head injury? Bleed on the brain? Broken bone? What?

@AnyFucker has the right of it here. I'm utterly appalled.

Seeing as he doesn't give a shit what you think and is too dumb to think for himself, you're just going to have to be around at all times until your child is old enough not to be seriously injured by him.

You need to spell it out to him.

That won't help. The OP has already said that he won't listen to her and doesn't care what she thinks.

He's not purposefully being violent!!

Isn't that what violent people say?

I mean, it doesn't look good does it? All the times your child ends up with bleeding and wounds is when the father is 'looking after' him. Bit of a coincidence.

It’s even more concerning, reading back how many injuries how occurred in a very short space of time

You say your partner changed his hours just to spend with the baby and at this time baby is cranky when he wants to play with him?

No one repeatedly hurts a 10 month old baby unless they want that baby to be hurt.

It's not carelessness.

I don't know why he keeps hurting your baby - to get at you? Because he feels anger/frustration towards him? Some misguided idea about toughening him up? The results are the same though.

Crikey, he's playing far too rough! I can relate to a certain extent in that DH gets home late and would then start playing games with DS who is only three months, peekaboo, tickling etc which DS does love and he laughs and smiles but it was hyping him up and affecting his sleep. I deal with night time because I'm bf and off work. I explained to DH but he said oh I just miss him and want to play with him before bed, so the last time he did it I woke him all through the night every time DS woke, so DH could settle him again. He got the picture. I do now delay bath time so DH can bath him, and give him a story before bed (I know he's a bit young but it's a nice routine). DH gets some quality time and DS sleeps better

You are defending a child abuser. He is repeatedly hurting your child.

Do something to protect your baby before it's down to outside agencies.

If any professionals see any injuries or evidence of the nose-bleeds, they are required to record a safeguarding concern. You could very quickly have a social worker assessing your ability to keep your baby safe.

Your DH needs to tone down the play and start risk assessing properly.

FWIW, I find it hard to believe that a ten month old baby managed to free himself from a safe hold by an adult. If he was holding him, he wasn't taking any care about it.

I would tell him you will call the police and mean it.. Why are you leaving the room while this is going on.

Please do not show him this thread. This place could be a source of support for you getting your child out of this situation. But not if he knows about it.