Dh is a complete arsehole?

[Cornishqween]

Ds has an ear infection and his eardrum burst at the weekend. I've somehow managed to catch a throat infection and this ear infection too and am in agony.

Dh is a director of a company and very busy. I woke him this morning at 6.45am to get him to help with the school run as I've not slept and was in so much pain I was crying. He normally puts up a fight if I'm ill and finds a way to get out of helping but today he took dd to nursery for the morning, he said he had to cancel a meeting over it. Ds ended up staying home with me as he's still not 100%.

Dh wasn't happy about it, but agreed to go pick her up too. Nursery is about a 7 minute drive from dhs work.

Anyway we've just had a blazing row because I've found she's gotten home and he hadn't handed back her folder (which was to be handed into her teacher today) despite me asking very clearly, he's left her nursery bag and drink there too. This is usual for him, when relied on he regularly sends the kids to school without coats in freezing weather, without lunch or drinks. It's wearing bloody thin.

Anyway i went to grab some ibuprofen only to find he'd finished the packet this morning (I asked him to bring me some before he went to work) and hadn't bothered to tell me and I was now in pain and having to drag both kids to the pharmacy whilst delirious with earrache. I would have gone several hours before if I'd realised he'd used the last ones before the pain came back.

He then launched at me that he'd moved heaven and earth to do her nursery run even though its nowhere near as important as his work stuff. I went ballistic because I already feel he's very hands off with the kids and just leaves everything to me unless I beg for help.

He reckons I need to get over myself and go to the pharmacy stop whingeing and that it's just an earrache. He made a sarcastic comment saying "well done you for shouting at me - your earrache can't be that bad can it" he went on to tell me how I don't do anything for him etc (despite me having both kids most of today, changing the bedding, doing 2 dishwasher loads to name a few things) Well I've just been to the doctors (with both kids in tow again)only to find I've got a burst eardrum because of the infection. They've given me cocodamol for the pain so tonight should hopefully be more bearable.

Aibu to be pissed off that if he needs a day off due to illness he lays in bed all day with me bringing him food drinks and medicine, and can always rely on me to take the kids when he's got a dental appointment or doctors appt etc? Yet when I need some support it's a case of 'get your big girl pants on'

OP have you hear the saying - Love is an action.

My ex thought that providing for the DC, and F all else, automatically made him father of the year. Sexist arsehole!

and contributing F all else

OK, I could have worded my last post better - if the OP does not see separation as the best way forward she wants her DH to take on more of his share of their 'partnership'. Ideally he would work out for himself what needs doing but it seems unlikely. So, although it's unfair, she's going to have to push/guide him at first. It's amazing that a functioning adult who can run a company can be a blind, self-centred douchebag when they don't want to do their share of childcare and housework.

Arguing back isn't a sign of being empowered or being in an equal relationship.

I’m with WinnieFosterTether here.

You just sound so powerless in your relationship. Like he can behave however he wants and you just have to put up with it, however much you argue with him. Because the arguing with him doesn’t make any difference at all, does it?

We've just had another talk. He's admitted to doing nothing because he doesn't care anymore. Says that I am hard to want to do stuff for.

And then he put his kit on and said he was going to football.. Then another talk about why it might be kind to stay and look after me a bit. He's now text and cancelled footie and is cleaning up downstairs and making me some food.

Doesn't have a clue why I needed him to stay apparently. Gonna be a rough few weeks I think. I don't want to split, I do love him. We've just been in a pattern of being mean to each other. Not sure how to come back from that

No the arguing makes no difference, it changes for a few weeks then back to square one.

I do have my own bank account aswell as a joint one, and a savings account with a little money in that couldn't be accessed by anyone but me.

He helps around the house during the week days on his nights off of kid duty (and footie). We alternate one puts kids to bed and one cleans

You're confronting him and it's hard. And you shouldn't have to, but that's the situation you're in. It's the only way to save your marriage, he may come to his senses. Maybe.

If he cares about the kids (more than himself) he'll put some real effort into spending time with them and looking after them. If he cares about you, he'll start doing his share of the housework so that you can retrain and return to work. He must support you in that op and you should absolutely expect him too. It's unbelievable that his head is so far up his own arse that he isn't doing this already.

He doesn't care any more ?

Game over, surely ?

When I was younger someone told me that as we get older we change, our opinions, tastes , views etc all change.

When we are in a relationship we still go through those changes and we either grow together or grow apart.

I do believe this is a reason why relationships fail (in some instances) because one person in the partnership has changed and the other partner doesn't know how to accept it or learn to grow with them.

A good example of this is a long time family friends. One partner wanted to change their lifestyle and live in alternative accommodation, something neither knew much about, the other partner wasn't 100% sold on it but went with it because it's what their partner wanted. 6 months on and they are living the life of Riley. A relationship 40 years on that is still going strong.

It may be that you have drifted apart. His priorities, needs, wants have changed and so are yours (wanting to return to work) and you either need to work together and accept those changes and how you both need to change to make it work. Or you accept that your wants and needs are too vastly different now and won't gel together and so therefore would be better being apart.

I also ended up speaking to a stranger in a pub where I worked who was telling me that he firmly believes that everyone we meet is for a reason so we can learn. We may only meet someone briefl, know them for many years or even our lifetime but during that time we learn what we can until there is nothing left to learn.

You may have learnt all you can from your husband or this might be the start of a new lesson for you both?

I hope I have explained that so it's understandable. It's easier to explain vocally than written down.

One things for sure.... I learnt from previous boyfriends (and other posters on here including you op) that my dh is the best man I have ever met and I am eternally grateful that he has come into my life. He keeps me in check when I behave like a spoilt brat and helps me to be a better person (including putting vitamins and water out to remind me to take them when I get ill!) He also picked up my soiled clothes when I had d&v and disposed of them and now makes a joke of it as I was so embarrassed.

Don't let someone make you feel less than you are, whether you are married to then, known them all your life or only just met them. Stand up for yourself and your right to be treated as an equal.

Thanks once again for the advice. Sometimes when you're in the middle of it you can't see the wood for the trees.

Cat he cares massively for the kids, and was hurt that I called him out on how little he involves himself. I think he's upset because it rings true.

Both of us have sort of stopped caring and are sniping all the time. I'm so resentful at having a 3rd child (which is how he behaves at times). He says he's not sure he can give me what I want, when I mentioned I'd like him to help me by taking a day off if I'm poorly.

I think he's got it tonight as he's suddenly started running around getting me medicine for the fever and food. It's not ending with this though, it needs a resolution or at least the start of one.

Im not staying in a relationship where the kids see us bickering and he has zero respect for me.

Im thinking some sort of couples counselling to see if we can work on it.

2birds I totally agree, my parents have been through this and have just grown apart. They're just after different things in life. I hope this isn't us it feels like throwing away 12 years of my life with him and starting over.

My father has always said he cares for us massively. As his child myself and my siblings disagree. Kids notice if their dad can not be bothered playing with them or spending any time with them. They know words are cheap and what matters is what you actually do.

Kids notice if their dad can not be bothered playing with them or spending any time with them.

Absolutely this. By the time the kids are older it'll be too late.

And I too would contact SS if I knew you. Not to be nasty, but your baby is massively at risk of a serious life changing injury. And sadly you don't seem to see the risks.

It is not a LTB situation obv

I would.

*clairemcnam" are you posting on the right thread?

Sorry you are right. The comment above was meant for the thread about a DH injuring a baby.
Obviously in this thread SS are irrelevant.

Hope you feel better tomorrow OP and that he improves his ways long term, not just for a week or two.

I was married to a man who ‘treated me like a princess’. He would shower me with lavish gifts, make grand gestures on birthdays and anniversaries. Friends and acquaintances would tell me how much he loved me and how proud of me he was. He would also drag me around the house by the hair, hit me with a belt, empty beer bottles and ashtrays over my head and on more than one occasion tried to strangle me. Gifts and grand gestures mean fuck all.

So you’ll stay with someone who has admitted that ‘he just doesn’t care anymore? - where is your self worth OP? Your children are watching.