Dh is a complete arsehole?

[Cornishqween]

Ds has an ear infection and his eardrum burst at the weekend. I've somehow managed to catch a throat infection and this ear infection too and am in agony.

Dh is a director of a company and very busy. I woke him this morning at 6.45am to get him to help with the school run as I've not slept and was in so much pain I was crying. He normally puts up a fight if I'm ill and finds a way to get out of helping but today he took dd to nursery for the morning, he said he had to cancel a meeting over it. Ds ended up staying home with me as he's still not 100%.

Dh wasn't happy about it, but agreed to go pick her up too. Nursery is about a 7 minute drive from dhs work.

Anyway we've just had a blazing row because I've found she's gotten home and he hadn't handed back her folder (which was to be handed into her teacher today) despite me asking very clearly, he's left her nursery bag and drink there too. This is usual for him, when relied on he regularly sends the kids to school without coats in freezing weather, without lunch or drinks. It's wearing bloody thin.

Anyway i went to grab some ibuprofen only to find he'd finished the packet this morning (I asked him to bring me some before he went to work) and hadn't bothered to tell me and I was now in pain and having to drag both kids to the pharmacy whilst delirious with earrache. I would have gone several hours before if I'd realised he'd used the last ones before the pain came back.

He then launched at me that he'd moved heaven and earth to do her nursery run even though its nowhere near as important as his work stuff. I went ballistic because I already feel he's very hands off with the kids and just leaves everything to me unless I beg for help.

He reckons I need to get over myself and go to the pharmacy stop whingeing and that it's just an earrache. He made a sarcastic comment saying "well done you for shouting at me - your earrache can't be that bad can it" he went on to tell me how I don't do anything for him etc (despite me having both kids most of today, changing the bedding, doing 2 dishwasher loads to name a few things) Well I've just been to the doctors (with both kids in tow again)only to find I've got a burst eardrum because of the infection. They've given me cocodamol for the pain so tonight should hopefully be more bearable.

Aibu to be pissed off that if he needs a day off due to illness he lays in bed all day with me bringing him food drinks and medicine, and can always rely on me to take the kids when he's got a dental appointment or doctors appt etc? Yet when I need some support it's a case of 'get your big girl pants on'

And no you are most definitely not U

This is like when a man carves the turkey at Christmas and everyone thanks him and says how great he is, while it's his wife who's thought of everything, shopped for everything, cleaned the house and cooked the whole dinner.

ANYONE can be nice for special occasions. I bet you put it all on social media and everyone thinks he's great. I bet all the relatives and friends know about those special occasions.

He's a prick who always puts himself first.

So he is great at throwing money and making a show of things

Can work but can’t follow simple instructions for his children

Yes he simply doesn’t care

Thanks all, I needed some reassurance that I'm not bonkers.

Fed up of begging him to help when he should just offer. Clearly that's what a partner does and what Ive been doing.

My argument exactly "if you cared you'd Know what the kids need, you'd never forget what day and time football is on, or who scored etc"

He just puts it all down to his job making him stressed and don't I know what pressure he's under?

I've been fooling myself that all men are like this... But no... Just the entitled ones like dh.

Yes but in his mind those meetings are life and death.

Also unless you have had a proper ear infection and burst ear drum it is impossible to truly know how painful it is.

NO excuses though, certainly not from me.

My solution: I got very angry indeed. Put my foot down as far as it would go, and demanded (much) better treatment. If they can get away with it, they will. Don't let him, expectations laid out in clear direct language and make it non neg. It lasted for all of one day but it was progress of sorts!

I had bronchitis last week. My dh arranged to work form home so he could take child to school and fetch every day. He brought me tea in bed and when i got up after 3pm he made me hot soup as my throat was sore. He also did shopping and driving child around to clubs at weekend. He also makes me feel special 365 days a years not just Xmas and birthday. You have got a bad deal OP. Your dh sounds very unsympathetic and selfish. You run around after him when he is ill and in return he bullies you. Not a man in my book. Tell him he needs to up his game and show him all of the replies on here.

I don't blame myself either op, I was never ever ill when I was young, so had not 'road tested' this particular character trait until we were married for five years with young dc.

It is not a LTB situation obv, but no harm in reminding him that indifference is harmful to a marriage, and perhaps agree some terms for the next time you are ill. He will then know what is expected of him.

You are describing my DH too. This much I have learnt- if you are ill then you stay in bed. If you put as much as a foot outside it or deal with the dc the men think you are not that bad and will not help. Soldiering on and being a martyr might be the right thing to do but you will get no brownie points for it at all. While you are sick you don't criticize how they do stuff- it might not be amazing and they might balls it up but as long as everyone survives intact then that's enough. you stay in bed until you are better. It's what they do. I sympathise OP- my DH is an utter wanker over this sort of stuff.

Please tell me you work and you are not financially dependent on him.
If you work he will have to take an equal role. If you are permanently at home, he will assume running the children is your work.

Are we married to the same man?
I feel I could have written this

You are with him for the money admit it. Why else put up with this vile pig? Do you work?

Cross post SalemShadow. Whenever, I read this kind of thread it so often involves a stay at home Mum feeling taken for granted. I always want to shout , 'step away from the 1050's and get a job'. Give yourself some independence.

Why are so many men like this? Women carrying the heaviest domestic load, men's time and commitments being more important than the woman's, abdicating responsibility in the home and with the kids....I could go on..... so unfair and unbalanced. Glad he's got redeeming features, OP!

OP I usually think SAHMs do need to sometimes suck it up when they’re ill; and have a day curled up on the sofa with DC watching TV rather than expect their working partner to take the day off for every little thing.

HOWEVER your situation is a world of difference - having a burst eardrum is excruciatingly painful and your DH needs to step up.

My heart broke a little when I noticed you consider it to be a little act of rebellion that you’re not going to wash his football kit for tonight. You do realise that any half decent man wouldn’t even consider going to his hobby while their wife and DC are that Ill and in pain?

Please seriously consider your way forward with this man. I think you should wait until a time when neither you nor he are ill, then sit him down and clearly lay out his responsibilities as a husband and father. Yes, as SAHM you should pick up the bulk of the childcare and housework; but that does not mean he gets to check out completely from family life.

Don't show him this thread. It is pointless for a man like this.

It is not a LTB situation obv, but no harm in reminding him that indifference is harmful to a marriage

Well, not if you don't mind staying married to someone who is completely inconsiderate to your needs and feelings. Not my cup of tea, personally. He is highly unlikely to change. If he runs a business, he knows how to behave competently, to meet the needs and expectations of clients and staff. It's not that he's 'rubbish' at helping you out- it's that he thinks it doesn't matter.

Arguing back isn't a sign of being empowered or being in an equal relationship. I've had long conversations with DSIS about this because DBIL is an abusive arse and she can't understand how she's so downtrodden when she argues back
Next time he is ill. Take yourself and the DCs out. Leave him home alone then you don't need to face his barrage of demands or calls of petty or being manipulated.
If your Dh has friends, family, then tell them next time you see them. 'Oh, yy DC and I were ill but DH took the last of the tablets, etc' It's a bit pa but it's also showing that you're not going to hide when he treats you all badly. I'm guessing outward appearances matter to him. Shining a light on his behaviour may be enough to make him change.

@cornishqween it's horrible to be ill. Dd has an ear infection, and I've got tonsilitus at the moment. Hope you feel better soon, and your DH stops being an arse.

What is your financial set up ?

Cornishqween it's awful being sick and in extreme pain and still being expected to soldier on. Everyone has a right to do what they need to do to recover from illness. Your husband should be helping you so that you can rest properly. He should be able to handle the tasks involved in looking after the dc. (If he was genuinely incompetent he wouldn't be able to be a director of a company). Are you contagious? Could you find a way to infect him?

Arrogant prick.

Stop serving him.

I would stop doing his washing, shopping, cooking etc.

I wouldn't bother engaging him if he starts fighting /arguing.

Does he resent you being s SAHM? Sounds like he thinks his only role is to work and bring home the money and the rest is on you.
Twat.

I hope to god you work OP and you're not financially dependant on him.

Well I used to get severe tonsillitis up until I had them out a couple of years ago and getting help was a battle then. I ended up in hospital with iv antibiotics in the end. I dealt with school runs whilst having a 40 degree fever. It was awful.

No Im not in it for the 'money', we've got a 3 bed semi, certainly not living a lavish life. We've just known each other since we were 13, got together at 16 and apart from us being on and off until we were 21 we've been together since. He didn't start out a director, he worked lots of lower paid jobs before (some that involved me moving around the country with him) and we've now settled.

I am about to start a qualification soon which involves voluntary work part time. I'm dreading it because I just know the childcare will still be 90% me. Nothing will change despite work, study time and college days.

I don't know how to talk about it all without it turning into a full scale argument.