Dh is a complete arsehole?

[Cornishqween]

Ds has an ear infection and his eardrum burst at the weekend. I've somehow managed to catch a throat infection and this ear infection too and am in agony.

Dh is a director of a company and very busy. I woke him this morning at 6.45am to get him to help with the school run as I've not slept and was in so much pain I was crying. He normally puts up a fight if I'm ill and finds a way to get out of helping but today he took dd to nursery for the morning, he said he had to cancel a meeting over it. Ds ended up staying home with me as he's still not 100%.

Dh wasn't happy about it, but agreed to go pick her up too. Nursery is about a 7 minute drive from dhs work.

Anyway we've just had a blazing row because I've found she's gotten home and he hadn't handed back her folder (which was to be handed into her teacher today) despite me asking very clearly, he's left her nursery bag and drink there too. This is usual for him, when relied on he regularly sends the kids to school without coats in freezing weather, without lunch or drinks. It's wearing bloody thin.

Anyway i went to grab some ibuprofen only to find he'd finished the packet this morning (I asked him to bring me some before he went to work) and hadn't bothered to tell me and I was now in pain and having to drag both kids to the pharmacy whilst delirious with earrache. I would have gone several hours before if I'd realised he'd used the last ones before the pain came back.

He then launched at me that he'd moved heaven and earth to do her nursery run even though its nowhere near as important as his work stuff. I went ballistic because I already feel he's very hands off with the kids and just leaves everything to me unless I beg for help.

He reckons I need to get over myself and go to the pharmacy stop whingeing and that it's just an earrache. He made a sarcastic comment saying "well done you for shouting at me - your earrache can't be that bad can it" he went on to tell me how I don't do anything for him etc (despite me having both kids most of today, changing the bedding, doing 2 dishwasher loads to name a few things) Well I've just been to the doctors (with both kids in tow again)only to find I've got a burst eardrum because of the infection. They've given me cocodamol for the pain so tonight should hopefully be more bearable.

Aibu to be pissed off that if he needs a day off due to illness he lays in bed all day with me bringing him food drinks and medicine, and can always rely on me to take the kids when he's got a dental appointment or doctors appt etc? Yet when I need some support it's a case of 'get your big girl pants on'

So he works hard, in a well-paid job, outside the home and thinks that is the sum total of his contribution. You have both accepted that everything else is your responsibility. Also, you make it sound as if his most attractive quality is his ability to buy you something nice a few times a year.

I don't think either of you have come out of this argument well, you seem a bit dramatic and he's just an arse!

If you want him to be more involved in family life you have to tell him. Is he playing computer games while you are spending your evenings on housework? If you think he will forget vital clothing/equipment for the children write him a checklist. Thank him for rearranging his work day to help with child care because you are ill but remind him that you should be a team, both working for the good of your family. (DH and I were both surprised when advised that my life insurance as a SAHM should be higher than his - working full-time - because it would actually cost more to get people to cover all my roles!)

He buys you nice birthday presents so you tolerate him treating you like shit the rest of the time

Ok

If you both split up, he will end up doing more child care. He will have to do all his own chores too.

Just saying.

He should make you feel special all the time, not just on special occasions. He sounds awful.

It's not about money, we really aren't well off. It was just the first thing that came to mind. As I said he's my best friend, knows me better than I know myself, we have a laugh together.

He is just also an arsehole. And yes I'm dramatic especially when I'm in pain.

It always makes me annoyed when people like @marnia15 say that you if you split he would have to do more childcare ( every other weekend etc). If someone is as selfish as OP’s H then he isn’t going to step up ! My ex ( note ex) was like your H and didn’t help. When we split he simply didn’t see the DC other than an hour here and there.
OP sorry that you are in such a difficult situation and I hope you feel better soon but I think a very serious discussion is required when you are better . 💐

If you got together so young, did you ever have a serious discussion about division of roles and expectations?

Don’t just wait until you start your training, nothing to change, then get fucked off and have an unproductive discussion because he’s immediately on the defensive. Approach the conversation ASAP. Lay out clear expectations - once you’re doing full time training and volunteering aimed at getting you employment; childcare and housework needs to be 50/50. Talk about all the tasks and who will do what, possible scenarios and how you’re going to manage them. If DC starts puking at nursery, who needs to take the day off? Look at finances and discuss whether getting a cleaner, for example, would be feasible?

So what would happen god forbid you got cancer and really ill. You need to think seriously. His behaviour is bang out of order. He sounds utterly selfish.

If you want him to be more involved in family life you have to tell him. Is he playing computer games while you are spending your evenings on housework? If you think he will forget vital clothing/equipment for the children write him a checklist.

Comments like this make my blood boil. How come the OP can pick her kids up and get involved in family life without having someone writing a checklist for her? We are talking about an adult here- a successful businessman. Why on earth does he need treating like another child and why is it the responsibility of his wife to make sure he knows what to do? Ffs.

*As I said he's my best friend, knows me better than I know myself, we have a laugh together.

He is just also an arsehole. And yes I'm dramatic especially when I'm in pain.*

Oh well, seeing as you say all that, it sounds like its your fault then OP

Yeah "He's your best friend" Hmm let's analyze this statement-his "help" sounds like the "help" provided by the guy that shaves your ankles before the electric chair! Good grief,raise your expectations and your self esteem! Your husband treats you like dog shit on the bottom of his shoe! Honestly you do everything and he does fuck all!

It is not a LTB situation obv,

This is not obvious to me at all.

YANBU OP

You don't do anything for him, other than almost his entire share of housework and childcare and mental load.

I think there are 3 options in these situations -

Go back to work full time and divvy up the rest 50 50.

Tell him to take a week annual leave while you go to work or retrain or whatever. He has to have no extra help ie can't call in his mum. He has to do it all 100pc without the excuse of work being too busy. And then after he's seen it from your perspective you talk again

You leave it threaten to leave and point out he will have to do 100pc if child related things on his days including sick days from school etc

Change nothing and let the resentment build up and then stick it out til they are old enough to fend for themselves

I also agree that his good points don't make up for the bad. Not supporting your partner when they are ill because he works hard is treating you like shit when you really need him. I work hard and so does my husband but guess what, we both work even harder when the other one can't manage it. That's what most people who care about the other person in their relationship do. Being made a fuss over on Xmas and birthday isn't an excuse for leaving you in pain and trying to manage by yourself

what goog points though - OP he doesnt do anything that he doesnt want to - that isnt the actions of a best friend or partner

and no not all men are like this

You know by now YABU.
You need to talk to him, my DP is exactly the same, when he's ill he just sleeps and I bring him drinks etc. But when I'm ill he does nothing, or he will do the bare minimum and only when asked several times.
I spoke to him about it last time and he's agreed that he was a dickhead and will try more next time. If he doesn't, then I will be taking his approach next time he's ill and doing nothing.
I would suggest you do what your DH does when he is ill. If he argues then throw everything he's said when he's ill back in his face :)

YANBU*
Meant to say!!

He just won't get it until I don't do it anymore.

I tried to have a discussion about what will happen when I go back to work. He shrugged and just said "nothing will happen" he says he cant do.more than he is, and isn't willing to change anything. He's under the impression that work will crumble if he doesn't do everything.

I've just been incredibly stupid because now if I go I have nothing in place. I have no help with childcare from anywhere else, no grandparents nearby or other family. I wouldn't even know where to start I obviously still love him which makes this harder.

Then just dont do anything for him anymore - certainly not washing his kit.

Aah he is one of those - somehow he is the only one who can do his all important job (only in v rare cases is that the case and this clearly isnt one) and his job is oh so important and his free time to do his hobbies and everything else is beneath him

OP you love the person you wish he was not the person he is

You need to say it is changing and he needs to compromise - it isnt a choice he needs to change things

Op don’t feel disheartened. No one is perfect. Your dh is rubbish at looking after you when you are ill, but is good in other ways. He could try harder, and I would def address the gaming.
When you feel better make a plan for your training with him.
Some people worry a lot about financial security, and my dh is one too. Because all of that responsibility is on him, so maybe he does panic about work but not necessarily because he doesn’t care.

He can piss off if he thinks I'm washing his football gear for tonight, when he asks why I'm going to say "because I never do anything for you apparently"

Don't do that. Instead take yourself to bed as soon as he steps in the door and leave him to deal with everything else. And summon food/drink to your room in whatever way he normally does when he's ill. Tell him he's being petty if he complains. Basically, demand to be treated with the same care and respect that he gets treated when he's ill.

How much free time do you get in the evenings vs him? I think you should start booking weekends away and expect him to step up. He'll never understand how much work it is to look after kids if he never does it.

How is he good in other ways? He makes her feel special at Christmas and on birthdays. And he makes her laugh. That is the sum total of the good things OP has posted about him.

He makes me feel special every birthday or Christmas or special occasion. Never forgets and always plans something he knows ill love

Now DP never does anything 'special' for birthdays or Christmas or any other time. The only time he ever bought me roses I went round all his friends asking what he'd done that he was making up for . He does get me a card, he's not that bad!

However I cook, he does all the washing up, we do the housework together. We laugh a lot. I have a hospital appointment this week, when I got the letter the first thing he said was 'I'll book the day off and take you'.

Guess what. I don't give a stuff that he never does anything 'special'.

I would be quietly planning an escape route if I was you. Do your training, try and start a secret savings account and seek legal advice.

I'm not saying you should split up yet but you might find yourself putting up with less shit if you give yourself the option to leave. The impression I get is part of the reason you out up with this us because you don't feel you have any choice.

Ultimately, I get that sahm's domain is mainly school and housework but it shouldn't be 100% and if you're really ill then you can't do it, no one expects him to go into work if he's really ill. He should also be able to remember simple things like coats etc when he does drop off but my dh is shot with this sort of thing as well.

Does he help at home op? Do things with the dc? Or are you expected to do house and dc 247?