Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To tell my 10 year old that I suffer with depression and anxiety?

83 replies

HereInMyHead · 25/02/2019 14:24

Just that really. Any thoughts?

OP posts:
whitehorsesdonotlie · 25/02/2019 14:26

Hmm, I'm not sure. You don't want to burden him/her with adult worries. Does it affect them? Why do you want to tell them?

Aimarge · 25/02/2019 14:36

I possibly would but only to destigmatize it if I was being positive and proactive in recovery.
For example I would tell my kids if I was having a panic attack or feeling anxious only if I was feeling the fear and doing whatever I was frightened of at the time. Only as a life lesson that people get scared but the feeling doesn't last forever and you'll get better eventually.
It took me over a year of CBT to realise that if I stay put the panic attack would eventually go. And that anxiety can't last forever our body wouldn't allow it.
Did it today telling them I was afraid to go on the fast water slide. But they saw me breathe properly and go on it anyway.

But... If I was telling a child I have depression and anxiety and life and adding worries to them no I wouldn't.

titchy · 25/02/2019 14:39

Dear God no. Why would you do that, not for their benefit that's for sure.

EwItsAHooman · 25/02/2019 14:43

I personally wouldn't as no matter how positive a spin you try to put on it, a 10yo is going to see it in the most simple terms of depression = unhappy and they're going to question why you're unhappy, what can they do to make you happy, are they the reason you're unhappy, etc.

DH has had depression for most of his life, usually well-managed but he has downward spirals now and again where it stops being manageable and he has to really work to get on top of it. It's hard on him when it happens but from the point of view of a person who loves someone with depression, it's hard on me too and at times it does make me question my value/worth - why aren't I enough to make him happy and not depressed? And it's taken me a lot of years, plus some therapy sessions of my own, to come to terms with the fact that I am not responsible for his happiness and I am not responsible for fighting his depression for him.

That is a huge weight to put on a child and I couldn't do it to my DC. They don't know their dad has depression and won't until they're much, much older.

SilverySurfer · 25/02/2019 14:45

Please don't put that weight on your child's shoulders who is too young to know of such things.

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/02/2019 14:46

Why would you he telling them?

PurpleDaisies · 25/02/2019 14:47

No. My mum did and it was awful.

PinkHeart5914 · 25/02/2019 14:47

No why would you?

Why would you be telling him? No child should have to listen to Mum moan about her issues, his a child

nombrecambio · 25/02/2019 14:48

My DM had severe MH difficulties throughout my entire childhood and our family attempted to protect my sisters and me from it. We had no idea she had such a difficult time until we were adults - that had a massive detrimental effect on us. They should have been open with us.

It depends on your situation and symptoms etc.

We had no idea why our mum was too ill to look after us and why we couldn't visit our poorly mum. We had no idea why our mum reacted the way she did and we couldn't understand some of her behaviours - I wish someone had talked to us about it all.

Paddington68 · 25/02/2019 14:49

Please don't

Namestheyareachangin · 25/02/2019 14:50

My Mum told me about her depression and suicide attempts when I was about 8 (possibly younger, I'm hazy). I don't know what the context is for you that you feel you want to tell him, but for her it was part of a pattern of colossal boundary issues which went on through my childhood, teens and twenties.

I was terrified of her killing herself and felt like it was my job to keep her happy so she wouldn't want to, to anticipate the rises and falls of her moods and manage them. I was very insecure and anxious of my own behaviour, and other people's feelings (what they might feel and what that might make them say and do and what that might make HER feel), and even now I am incredibly sensitive to other people's moods and can't stand confrontation or feeling like I've upset anyone. You can imagine how healthy and self-respecting my relationships are as an adult.

If your behaviour is frightening or upsetting your child, and you think explaining your mental health issues to them will help them contextualise it and manage better, you may need to tell them for their own good. But if you can avoid it, I really would.

BlueSkiesLies · 25/02/2019 14:51

No. You’d be selfish as it would be for you benefit not theirs.

Don’t let your MH problems impact your child. You don’t want them to think they have to moderation their behaviour/emotions for your MH.

AGHHHH · 25/02/2019 14:51

I wouldn't... They don't need to know at all, never mind at the age of 10.

Seniorschoolmum · 25/02/2019 14:51

I’m not sure you need to put it in such grown-up words. My 10yo knows when I am down, he gives me a hug and tells me I’m the best mum in the world. And that has to be enough. I don’t want him to have to deal with anything more.
Is there no-one else you can talk to?

nombrecambio · 25/02/2019 14:54

@Namestheyareachangin

and even now I am incredibly sensitive to other people's moods and can't stand confrontation or feeling like I've upset anyone.

You had the opposite to me and we've ended up with a similar personality...

I've always wished I'd been told. I wonder if my family were right to hide it from us!... I feel many of my sisters and my lifelong issues were from the secrecy and anxiety. But if we'd been informed it's likely we'd still have that anxiety.

WanderingDaffodil · 25/02/2019 14:55

No. It's OK to say 'having a bad day', 'not feeling well' and so on, but don't burden your child with this responsibility.

FortyFacedFuckers · 25/02/2019 14:58

I have a 13 year old & have worked hard at trying to hide anxiety from my son as when he was younger he could see that simple things scared me and then he would then become anxious about them to.

cees · 25/02/2019 15:03

No way

Namestheyareachangin · 25/02/2019 15:04

@nombrecambio

The trouble is, in an ideal world it's something you'd be open with your children about, have a calm discussion about what depression is, how it feels, why it happens (as much as possible) and what everyone involved can do to make the best of it.

However, where depression is symptomatic enough that a primary school child is aware of it and needs to be told is by definition a far from ideal world.

People in the grip of severe depression are not best placed to have that calm, reassuring, considered conversation, or to meet their child's emotional needs for feeling safe and prioritised. So the articulation of it, definitely to the point of knowing about suicidal ideation or intent, just crystallises what the child would have been experiencing as unease into clear and present danger.

I knew my mum was rarely happy. But to be told she felt miserable all the time, that she couldn't remember ever not wanting to be dead, that she had tried to kill herself not once but several times, including on occasions I was in the house and had never realised a thing... I don't think I ever stopped being afraid after that, until she did in fact kill herself last year (I'm now 34). I know it has shaped me, made me who I am today, and not in a good way.

You feel betrayed and lied to; but you were also protected. Even if it didn't entirely work, and you were aware of the problems without really knowing what they were; your family were trying to protect you, thought it was your right to be protected, and their job to do so. No-one tried to protect me. And that has also made me the person I am today. Someone who doesn't expect, can't expect, even the bare minimum of care within a relationship.

Blompitude · 25/02/2019 15:05

My DDs are 11 and 13. I'm coming through a depressive episode. They could see I was tearful, down etc and I explained that I was feeling unwell and that I would go to the doctor for help, which I did. I also explained that it was due to the first anniversary of their grandmother's (my mum's) death.
I thought it was better to be open with them about being ill and being proactive in trying to do something about it.
Throughout I encourage them to talk to me about their stuff like they usually do, and that there's nothing they can't tell me and I can still support them even if I'm not feeling well in myself. The younger one tends to confide me a lot and this is still happening.

peeblet · 25/02/2019 15:06

no, knowing about my father's caused me so much stress and worry for him, and then panicking i was going to end up the same because of the genetic link.

rattusrattus20 · 25/02/2019 15:07

i can't think of any benefits, to be honest - can OP?

as an adult i strongly believe in not worrying about things that are out of our control. this goes double for kids.

Omzlas · 25/02/2019 15:10

You'd tell them.... to what end? Do you have people IRL that you can talk to? Is your condition affecting your child in any way?

DrinkSangriaInThePark · 25/02/2019 15:10

No I absolutely wouldn't. They are only a child and it can't do any good for them.

I firmly believe in allowing children to be children and hiding most of our adult issues from them.

Auntiepatricia · 25/02/2019 15:14

No, I wouldn’t. If your illness is affecting them it’s ok to explain you are unwell and working on getting better and your Dr. is helping and you appreciate her and other people understanding as you get yourself better again. When she’s older she’ll figure it out and if she suffers herself later you will be well placed to discuss the topic with her then. But for now there really isn’t any benefit to going into detail about mental health issues if she herself is ok. At that age I was a little anxious and just learning about the world and it would have pulled the rug from under me to have to take on that my mum was scared and anxious. It would have frightened me and I would have been agonising about whether I also had anxiety and depression.

Swipe left for the next trending thread