To tell my 10 year old that I suffer with depression and anxiety?

[HereInMyHead]

Just that really. Any thoughts?

Yes, as someone who has suffered from severe MH problems I would be honest.

I had to do this with my DD and it is a difficult path to tread. You obviously need to not burden them, so no talk of any suicidal thoughts if you have them but a basic honesty about why you find some things hard/ are sometimes in a "bad mood". Being open to questions is vital, so they can get a better understanding and also be available to give loads of reassurance. Hiding things when they can sense things are wrong only leads to them worrying.

There are some books out there which can help explain things in an age appropriate manner.

I was older than 10 when my mum started having obvious issues (12/13) and while I understand the desire to shield kids from hard things, I wish that my family had actually talked about it in an age appropriate way.
My mum was often quite cruel to me when she was down, and so I felt that it was all my fault. I have an ok but difficult relationship with her to this day (I'm 41) as we never talked about it and I still catch myself feeling responsible for her happiness.
I think I would have faired better through it all of our family had talked about it and, importantly, if someone - ideally my mum during her better days - had said to me that she was feeling down and sometimes found it hard to cope, but that it wasn't MY fault. I think kids pick up on more than we realise, I knew she was mentally unwell without anyone talking to me about it. Eventually after a particularly bad episode my dad told me that she had got some pills from the doctors so would be better, but there was no conversation about it as such. I think it was due to them feeling ashamed tbh... so while 10 is young to burden with things - my instinct says that your DC is probably already burdened to an extent and so having an open, age appropriate conversation about it could actually help if you think you can do it calmly. X

I would suggest telling her, but with very carefully chosen words.

My mother has anxiety, and she would tell me when her reaction to something was anxiety driven so that I would know it was her problem and not to emulate it. She didn't make me responsible for making her feel better, and would always be there for me, it just might take her a bit longer than someone without anxiety, and she might look a bit pale or shakey.

Although by ten, if it was something minor (say, a spider in the bath), I'd probably deal with it myself just because I was an impatient little sod who couldn't be bothered to wait for her to calm down.

Yes agree with Gingerkittykat there is a way of telling your kids. I have told mine that sometimes I feel sad and worried for no reason and it’s not their fault or anything for them to worry about. They know that sometimes I have to take medicine to help my brain work properly and that sometimes I go and speak to a “listening lady” to get my worries off my chest. They know they can talk to me or their dad about it if anything they see upsets them or worries them. I hope none of this scars them, but I don’t think it can be any worse that seeing my depressive episodes and not knowing wtf is going on.

What is your reason for telling her OP?

Why would you?

Ot would depend on what the purpose of telling her was. And then how she was told. I can see several good potential reasons for telling her if that helps.

Changedmynametoolikeyou
"and it’s not their fault" - Yes, extremely important to get this across and I hope my DDs understand this.
"but I don’t think it can be any worse that seeing my depressive episodes and not knowing wtf is going on" - Totally agree.
I may err on the side of being too open with my DDs in various matters, but having grown up in a household full of hidden unhappiness and family rifts which were never openly acknowledged, I think this has left a deeper imprint on me than any MH problem my parents may have had. But they were of a much older generation and such things were "not talked about", even though we all knew something was wrong.

Given the possible genetic element in some mental health conditions is there not some benefit to discussing it with a child in an age appropriate way so that they know it's ok to talk about it if it happens to them too?

For context DH and I have discussed this (somewhat in advance as I'm not even pregnant yet!) as he has bipolar 2 which is sometimes thought to be passed on genetically. He had what he retrospectively identifies as depressive episodes from a fairly young age but because his family didn't talk about it he didn't know what was wrong with him and felt much worse as a result.

The other bit of context is that I realised very recently that my mum would have been going through the menopause at pretty much the same time I was going through puberty. So I was an arsehole (I really was) and she was angry what felt like all the time, and I'm fairly certain that's why we had such a fraught relationship until a few years after I'd moved out. I wonder if we'd been the kind of family who talked about how we felt, we might both have been in a position to take a step back and look at our relationship with a bit of perspective.

I'm not saying people should start telling their kids about suicidal ideation etc but a bit of age appropriate openness might be a good thing?

I kept mine sort of hidden until I went under, then it was a case of’yiu know how mum has her bad days and sometimes has a little cry? Well i’ve been have more bad ones so I’m getting help - it’s a good thing, don’t get worried, i’m getting help to get better.
For her it was a relief to know that I had finally admitted it, but every child is different

Actually, I don't think you'd be selfish or anything else if you did tell your DC.

My mum suffered with horrendous mental health issues when I was younger. I always thought her mood swings and behaviour were somehow my fault until I was older and my family shared the extent of her issues. It suddenly clicked with me that her behaviour was nothing to do with me and there was nothing I could do to 'make her better'.

As a youngster I remember feeling awful whenever something shit happened in our household. After I was given context, I was able to rationalise things much more easily and it certainly saved me a lot more pain.

It's your choice and very much depends on how your conditions exhibit but if you felt that your conditions could negatively impact your DC in any way, telling them might help.

My mum told me she had this same thought about whether to tell me about her anxiety, panic attacks mainly.

I was around 11 and we were out shopping when she had a panic attack and i was so scared i didnt know what was happening, thats when she told me in careful words obviously about her anxiety and panic attacks. I witnessed a few more after that and wasnt confused/scared i just knew to keep my distance and she will come round and not to take it personally.

It was years later when she told me the cause of her anxiety tho, im thankful she did.

I wouldn't burden kids with my medical problems unless something like having to go into hospital or a suicide attempt needed explaining. I hope you're getting better, it's not easy keeping an even keel for the kids when you're emotionally raw.

As someone with the same condition and an 11yr old dd. NO

why would you want to put that on your child, they have enough to worry about as it is. NO doubt they pick up on your mood swings already, it is not fair and a burden they do not need.

I'm surprised at so many people advising against telling dc? I was diagnosed with anxiety in December and given medication. Dcs (11 and 13) noticed me taking said medicine, they asked what it was for, I gave a brief answer appropriate for their ages. They weren't worried or upset, just asked if I was ok, I assured them I was and they moved on. We haven't discussed it since! I didn't really think to hide it from them...it isn't shameful or a secret...DH and I have always answered any of their questions pretty honestly and according to age.

No absolutely not, they are children and shoulden't be burdened with your issues.

I didn't really think to hide it from them...it isn't shameful or a secret...

No but it can be terrifying for a child. I was in that position and I hated it.

My kids know in a basic sense, what were we supposed to tell them when I was literally rocking at the table and off work? They know my brain doesn't always work too well, that I can struggle to do things and my mood can be up and down and that I take medication to help.

I think your child is too young to be told about your MH problems. It's not fair to them. Get counselling or CBT to gain the help you need.

Sorry to hear that, Purple daisies...I think if I thought they would be scared or worried, I may have answered differently?

It may be down to the individual child. I also didn't stop what I was doing to sit them down for a big talk, it was more a passing comment, like: "mummy sometimes can't stop worrying about stuff, so this medicine helps with that" (can't remember my exact words), so maybe that's why they took it in their stride.

Depends what you say and how you say it.
I wouldn’t be sharing suicidal thoughts or details of therapy.
I would say I was feeling sad or worried and was doing xyz to help.
It’s not a burden or something to be ashamed of.

I'd say it depends on the child. Some 10 year olds are quite mature and children themselves can suffer with depression and anxiety so I don't think it should be off limits, it's like naming feelings to help toddlers express themselves, it must be scary for children who do suffer if they have no idea what those feelings are.

Interestingly at ds's primary school they do an ongoing topic based around resilience, each term is a new topic and it's for the whole school so age 5 up. They get homework topics which they have to discuss with family and last term the topic was mental health and how not talking about your worries can make them bigger and lead to mental health problems and depression. So yes, they are talking about it in schools. I guess a lot of children live with parents who have mental health difficulties and personally I think we do need to discuss these things, destigmatize them and help children understand them.

Its all very well not wanting to burden or frighten your children with your mental health issues but if they've noticed them (and lets face it they're not invisible) then if you say nothing all your doing is leaving them to form their own (often highly innaccurate) explanation of what's going on and why. That can be pretty burdensome and frightening too, esp if they blame themselves.

I'm really shocked at some of the comments on here and I hope it doesn't make anyone else with mental illness feel as shit as I do right now.

I'd tell my 10 year old if I had a broken leg or diabetes, so he's also aware I have PTSD and severe anxiety. I think it would be scarier for him seeing me go through a bad panic attack and not know that it was a brain chemistry fault causing it than knowing it's part of my illness.

There is no shame, if explained in an age-appropriate way I feel that they should know. When I had a breakdown and spent a lot of time sobbing in bed, he needed to know it wasn't his fault and it was because my brain was poorly. When we sometimes have to leave a busy shop or I can't go out at all, he knows it's because I'm not up to it, not because he's been naughty or I can't be bothered.

It's really important to talk about mental illness. Some of those children will end up having the same issues and hiding everything could be detrimental.