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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To tell my 10 year old that I suffer with depression and anxiety?

83 replies

HereInMyHead · 25/02/2019 14:24

Just that really. Any thoughts?

OP posts:
StopMakingAFoolOutofMe · 25/02/2019 17:01

Oh and yes, as a teacher we do discuss mental health, resilience, mindfulness and illnesses such as depression and anorexia in primary school.

TheGoddessFrigg · 25/02/2019 17:10

Its not about making people with MH issues 'feel shit'- its about realising how as an adult sometimes you have to carry that weight and nit make your child themselves anxious or depressed or feeling they are responsible for your well being.

My parents both suffered from severe depression and told me EVERYTHING. I grew up a child always on edge, always trying to make everyone happy, always drawn to conflict and difficult people, hoping to heal them. As another poster said, it does not make for a happy adult life or fulfilling relationships...

AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD do not mention anything about a possible genetic link! That would have sent me over the edge.

Lizzie48 · 25/02/2019 17:11

No way should you do that, far too much responsibility to place on a 10 year old's shoulders IMO. You don't want them blaming themselves.

I suffer from PTSD as a result of childhood SA. I wouldn't dream of telling my DDs. Although tbf there is a particular reason why exposing my issues would be selfish in my case, my DDs are adopted so they have enough to deal with in their lives without me adding to their burdens.

StopMakingAFoolOutofMe · 25/02/2019 17:57

It's not about telling them everything though, is it? I wouldn't mention my suicidal thoughts or the things that make me panic. But for him to have an awareness of me suffering from a brain illness is beneficial for him.

StrongerThanIThought76 · 25/02/2019 18:09

My kids were 10 and 7 when I started going to see a counsellor (for a few things stemming from EA ex, difficult divorce and just generally feeling like a shit parent). I had to tell them why they were being picked up from school by someone else. I just explained that I was struggling with a few things (not what exactly but gave a couple of examples where I'd got cross or upset over something) and that my counsellor was going to help me be a better stronger mum.

So yes, they knew that I had been struggling - they'd seen it for themselves - but were happy with how I was dealing with it and that I was seeking help and support.

We all talk about mental health issues so why keep children in the dark about it? There are definitely ways to talk about things that are affecting you (and therefore the children, indirectly) that can be age-appropriate and positive without 'inflicting a burden on the children'.

NameChange112112321 · 25/02/2019 18:12

I think it depends on (a) how old the kids are and (b) how you tell them. Making a child feel responsible for you being ill is totally out of line, often comes from over sharing (I hate my life, I want to die, etc) but I think children knowing can be a huge relief for them (as many of them know something is going on and blame themselves. My mother never discussed here but at times made our lives excruciating.

When I was ill I compared it to my DDs recent site tonsils "You know how when your throat was sore so we went to the GP and he thought something was wrong so he sent you to a specialist and that specialist knew everything about tonsils so you went in as a day patient and he helped you feel better? Well something is similar with mummy, there's something in my brain that isn't working the way it should (it makes me teary, anxious, sad, scared, however it's manifesting) so I'm going to see the Dr and then a specialist and I'm going to work on getting better.

Children of people with mental health issues are much more likely to get similar issues so I see it massively as an opportunity to reduce stigma, if I hadn't felt that it was such a shameful thing I might have gotten help sooner & my life could have been so different.

Crystalintheeyes · 25/02/2019 18:13

No I don’t think you should.

My dad has anxiety and depression for a while when I was a teenager and I never knew.

I was a child and shouldn’t be burdened like an adult.

My dad never had sucidal thoughts though.

MustShowDH · 25/02/2019 18:31

My God! This thread makes me realise that stigma is alive and well.

I have anxiety and depression. I don't overtly discuss it with my DD. She sees me take various medications for this and other things. She sometimes asks why and I think I just say something like 'they're prescribed by the doctor to keep me well.' It's not her job (or anyone else's ) to keep me well regardless of whether its physical or mental health.

OP, I hope you're doing okay today. Is there something making you want to tell your child?

NeopreneMermaid · 25/02/2019 18:38

"*Yes agree withGingerkittykatthere is a way of telling your kids. I have told mine that sometimes I feel sad and worried for no reason and it’s not their fault or anything for them to worry about. They know that sometimes I have to take medicine to help my brain work properly and that sometimes I go and speak to a “listening lady” to get my worries off my chest. They know they can talk to me or their dad about it if anything they see upsets them or worries them. I hope none of this scars them, but I don’t think it can be any worse that seeing my depressive episodes and not knowing wtf is going on."

This.

I have severe depression, anxiety and panic disorder but have been on a heavily medicated even keel for nearly three years now. Anything I tell my DCs is factual and on a need-to-know basis. Notable examples include:

  1. When I had a major panic attack during a group outdoor activity and had to be rescued and taken away by staff to recover (DCs were safe with a friend but witnessed everything and needed an explanation)
  1. DC1 (9) suffers from anxiety and I decided it would be reassuring to say that I knew how it felt because I have/had it too but I'm ok now because I have medicine and had talked to someone. I wanted to demonstrate that it's not insurmountable.

If you need to vent, want support, just want them to know how you're feeling, talk to an adult rather than a child.

curlykaren · 25/02/2019 18:43

MustshowDH, I agree, I'm shocked at the extent that people are saying NO...HIDE IT.
Also, it seems like everyone who wasn't told anything about their parents MH issues, wishes they were and those that were, wishes they weren't. Which probably indicates there's no right answer. As such I'd advise an age appropriate explanation that fits your circumstances. OP, really hope you are feeling ok x

Allfednonedead · 25/02/2019 18:51

I’m also shocked at the number of people saying ‘hide it’, but then they’re making it clear they only have two models: silence or total openness.

My children see me take medication every day, so they ask why. I have an under active thyroid - that’s easily explained. My anti-depressants are pretty nearly as easily explained - something in my brain doesn’t work quite right, so I take this to stop it making me sad.

How is that giving them a burden? It’s all part of a much bigger conversation around resilience and mental health - with ASD and ADHD in the family, we need to be able to talk about these things without shame or secrecy.

I don’t tell them what it’s like to have depression, and if I had a bad episode now, I wouldn’t dream of sharing the details of suicidal ideation etc, but it would be very helpful to be able to say ‘the medicine isn’t working so well, so I’m going to ask the doctor for more help’, or whatever the case may be.

Talking about it while it’s not a problem makes it easier if it does become a problem.

Chouetted · 25/02/2019 18:51

I'm assuming that the people who advise not mentioning it, would also not tell them about cancer or a nut allergy, in case they feel burdened.

My mother told me once that her dad just took to his bed one day (with depression) and noone would talk about it, even when she asked. She was terrified. I see we haven't moved on much in the last sixty or so years.

Budsbegginingspringinsight · 25/02/2019 18:58

I disagree... I think if your behaviour has been a little strange it's probably worth being honest.

You don't have too get heavy about it but perhaps present it like getting a headache.
Just say sometimes mum gets this strange .... like headache and it makes me react slightly differently than if I didn't have it.

So sometimes if I seem .. blah...it could be that...??

Budsbegginingspringinsight · 25/02/2019 19:01

There's ways and means of saying things.siting child down in seriousness...as though someone has died....

Or perhaps making dinner with them or on a walk casually bring it up..

Doghorsechicken · 25/02/2019 19:08

I’d say no. My mum told me when I was young which would have been ok if she’d stopped there. But then once she’d opened up about it she would always talk about how low she was feeling and about things that had happened throughout her day that brought her down. I didn’t need to hear all that because it just made me worry constantly. She should’ve turned to my dad or her sisters not her young daughter. I didn’t need that adult stuff hanging over my head. I wasn’t a therapist, I was a child.

Medicaltextbook · 25/02/2019 19:10

Mind has a leaflet with tips on parenting when you have a mental health condition
here

tinydancer88 · 25/02/2019 19:12

My Dad has had mental health issues on and off throughout his life, including when I was a child. I knew something was going on, I just didn't know what it was. I think I would have preferred to have had it explained to me in an age appropriate way.

sighrollseyes · 25/02/2019 19:12

I wouldn't burden my kids with worry at that age. My mum has cancer when I was 11 - I understood everything and wanted to know what was going on but it placed a huge burden on me with worry.

BarbarianMum · 25/02/2019 19:13

Can people really not see the difference bw an age-appropriate explaination about why mum's sad sometimes and needs to take tablets and using your 10 year old as a therapist. Hmm

Do you think parents with cancer shouldn't tell their older children what's going on either?

SomeDayPerhaps · 25/02/2019 19:13

No!

MustShowDH · 25/02/2019 19:21

@Allfednonedead the other medication I take is also for underactive thyroid.

minionsrule · 25/02/2019 19:25

My DH was diagnosed with OCD some time ago, ds was 11. I wanted to tell him in a non scary way just to explain some things and how it affects DH.
DH asked his councellor her view and she said she didn't recommend it unless DH's behaviour was impacting on ds.
DH said he asked as his mum suffered from depression from when he was at college and he felt that was around the time his OCD began to come out.... it was his way of coping with it.

Sweetbabycheezits · 25/02/2019 19:27

BarbarianMum that's what I keep thinking while reading some of these responses. Answering my DCs question about taking medication was just a natural response, I would never go into detail, or expect them to support me!

I feel like hiding it would make it seem like something to be ashamed of, and I would hate to think that shame would keep them from talking to me if they ever felt anxious or depressed...that would be a far worse burden for them to carry.

AlexaShutUp · 25/02/2019 19:29

Wow! I'm really, really surprised at the number of answers on here advising parents not to tell their kids that they are suffering with anxiety/depression. I thought that we had moved on a lot further as a society than that, but perhaps not.

My mother has struggled with chronic mental health issues since I was a young child. I wasn't formally "told" about these issues until I was a young adult but I sure as hell knew that there were serious problems way before that! It is utterly naive to think that you can hide this kind of thing from a child who is living in the same house as someone suffering with these issues, and ridiculous to think that, in doing so, you will somehow burden them. On the contrary, it's far, far better to explain to a child that depression/anxiety is an illness and that medical intervention is sometimes required to treat it, as that can help to take the pressure off the child who might otherwise feel responsible for things better.

My mum did not share any information about her mental health issues with us when we were children, precisely because she wanted to protect us and not burden us, but in avoiding the topic, she made the burden infinitely greater. I was painfully sensitive to my mother's moods and worries when I was a child, and I spent most of my childhood/teenage years trying to "fix" her. I felt a huge weight of responsibility for her unhappiness and her worry, and yet couldn't talk about it because I knew that it was somehow considered a taboo subject. It would have been so much easier if she had just talked to us about it, instead of trying and failing miserably to cover it up.

Please, please do tell your kids what's going on. They will know that something is wrong in any case, don't kid yourself that you can cover it up. You don't have to share every detail, but they have a right to an age-appropriate explanation so that they know that it isn't their fault and so that they know you're getting appropriate help.

Digestive28 · 25/02/2019 19:29

I think it is more complex and depends on your symptoms, that is, so they likely no already and having a language to talk about it will be helpful? I wouldn’t want to burden them but I would want them to be aware I was struggling and be able to access their own support if they needed it. So tell them if you think it will help them, not because you want to do it for you