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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP's mood about work colleague

61 replies

teddypombear · 24/02/2019 12:46

I work in a relatively small group - about 10 people. I work with one male who also has a long term relationship and children. We work in separate departments (see each other for about 30 mins of the work day in total). We rarely message outside of work (and if it is, it's about something to do with something IYKWIM).

I'm not sure why DP has been funny about this guy to start with. He doesn't know him. He's never met him. He knows his circumstances (has a family).

We had a work gathering a couple of months ago and afterwards, I got a lift home with said colleague. DP was in a mood for the rest of the night (but trying to say he wasn't bothered but the atmosphere was horrible).

We had a night out around the same time. I came home to tell DP some general stories of the night and he got clearly bothered when said colleague was mentioned.

We've now got another night out coming up this weekend. I've just relayed the list of who is going so far. He got really snappy and really bluntly asked, 'thought you said he doesn't even go out often???' (I'd mentioned that in passing when we'd gone for last night out). I asked him if he had a problem and he was snapped 'oh for fucks sake, no' and then went on to say about how it's just weird that he 'never goes out' but is coming out again. We sat there for 5 more minutes in complete awkwardness with a horrible tension and I said, 'what is your problem?' And he got really snappy and told me to just go away and that I try and make it out like he has a problem when he's fine.

AIBU? Should I leave it? I just hate the awkwardness when he's brought up (even though it's really not often). I like to come home and tell little stories of my day and he's all happy and loves hearing them, I just feel like I have to only talk about my female colleagues otherwise he's got a problem and doesn't want to hear it.

OP posts:

Pumpkintopf · 24/02/2019 12:48

Sounds like he does have a problem or is certainly behaving like he does. Is he this emotionally manipulative in other ways? Sounds like he doesn't want you having any contact with this male colleague at all.

Original poster

teddypombear · 24/02/2019 12:50

@Pumpkintopf exactly - it's really frustrating when he's clearly bothered and making the atmosphere horrible and then acting like it's all in my head!

OP posts:

Merryoldgoat · 24/02/2019 12:50

Nope. He’s being utterly ridiculous.

He is like this with other stuff?

I barely register the names of my husband’s colleagues. If he goes out and has fun all I think is ‘oooh - a lovely evening to myself’ and him likewise.

He’s trying to control you. Don’t let him.

OftenHangry · 24/02/2019 12:52

How does he know so much about a colleague you see for max 30 min a day?

FudgeBrownie2019 · 24/02/2019 12:52

I just feel like I have to only talk about my female colleagues otherwise he's got a problem and doesn't want to hear it.

This is one of the textbook definitions of abuse. You're having to change how you behave and how you speak in order to try to 'please' your DP. OP you know it's him, not you. You know he's behaving like an arse. And it's a choice. He's consciously deriding you and making out you have a problem to try and hide the fact that he's a jealous arsehole.

LL83 · 24/02/2019 12:53

Sounds like he's got a problem but knows he is being unreasonable.

Sometimes I can be irrational and try not to show it but I am sure small bits creep out.

Could he be threatened/insecure? Give him some reassurance at a separate time, not in connection with this colleague.

Loopytiles · 24/02/2019 12:55

Controlling behaviour. Unacceptable. Is he like it about talk of exes too?

Original poster

teddypombear · 24/02/2019 12:55

@OftenHangry so much? Hardly.

When he got in a mood after I'd got a lift home, I'd said in defence that he's got a partner and children too so not some single guy (not that that'd make a difference anyway!)

And I just mentioned that he never really goes out when I was talking about who was coming on the last night out.

That's it. That's the extent of what he knows about him apart from his first name.

OP posts:

Pumpkintopf · 24/02/2019 12:55

It would be better if he could be honest with you about how he feels so you could reassure him if necessary or whatever- by denying that he has a problem whilst making the atmosphere unbearable he's being manipulative and, as you say, trying to convince you it's all in your head.

I'd be tempted to ask again 'do you have a problem ' and if he says no, behave as if he really doesn't and ignore any childish behaviour.

WRT the passive aggressive 'digs' like 'I thought you said he doesn't go out that often ' I'd reply something like 'well that's what he said but I'm hardly his social secretary am I dh, ha ha...' and move on...

But yes, it would be better if he could have an upfront discussion with you about how he's behaving and why.

Dimsumlosesum · 24/02/2019 12:56

Well, he sounds massively immature.

Original poster

teddypombear · 24/02/2019 12:58

@Loopytiles I never talk of exes. He always has a 'why do I care?' attitude when the topic is brought up (but has spoken openly about his in the past).

OP posts:

Merryoldgoat · 24/02/2019 12:59

He’s sounding worse with each post...

How long have you been together?

Original poster

teddypombear · 24/02/2019 13:01

@Merryoldgoat 3.5 years.

OP posts:

WarpedGalaxy · 24/02/2019 13:01

Hmm. It sounds like he’s being unreasonable, controlling and jealous but it also sounds like you have a lot of work social events and are mentioning this guy a lot when you don’t need to. He works in a different department, you see him for 30 minutes a day but you’re messaging out of work and, though you say he doesn’t go out often, he’s been out on each of the last 3 work occasions you’ve been out. I can see where to your DP it does sound contradictory and a bit like you’re protesting too much. And this relaying the list of who’s going on your social nights out? What’s that about then?

Original poster

teddypombear · 24/02/2019 13:04

@WarpedGalaxy well, we both relay who's going on nights out as general conversation and catching up with each other. I don't think that's weird?

It's 30 minutes in total so 5 minutes here and there throughout the day but we have a small group so we are all close, have a group chat etc. And we rarely message, when we do it's something to do with the work (ie what time is everyone meeting?)

OP posts:

HaveNoSocks · 24/02/2019 13:07

He's being quite manipulative by claiming to have no issue but clearly demonstrating that he does. I would just ignore him to be honest. If he claims he doesn't have a problem I'll take him at his word. If he does have a problem he can talk about it sensibly like a grown up.

Jaspermcsween · 24/02/2019 13:07

He’s definitely being ridiculous.

Interestingly if he posted on mn he’d be told to “trust his instincts” - advice I think is bollocks.

TheFirstRuleOfFightClub · 24/02/2019 13:11

I message a male about work outside of work - not unusual

I see him at work nights out, he doesn't go out usually - not unusual

I jump in the car with male work colleague if we have meetings or training together

My DH knows all about him, I talk about him as much as I do my female colleagues, he's just someone I work with. This is not unusual behaviour. Your partner is acting in a disproportionate manner, you need to have a think of other circumstances he acts like this, it is not normal.

Springwalk · 24/02/2019 13:16

I would stop talking about him to your dp. No this doesn't solve the bigger issue about your dp and jealousy issues, but at least you won't be stoking it up.

Stop talking about him and the problem goes away. If he feels threatened by the other man, then I would reassure him. There must be a reason why (at least in your dps mind) and just because he is married with dc doesn't mean very much to some people op.

HollowTalk · 24/02/2019 13:16

Does your partner only work with men? Does he ever mention women?

Springwalk · 24/02/2019 13:18

I also would say my dh acted like this out of the blue, I was really shocked that he was quite hostile about this other person. I was cross and said for him to get a grip. A few months later this very same man did try it on! Obv I did not take him up on his offer, and we were at a party so it was easy to disappear.
What I thought to be friendly banter was, on this occasion, a prelude to something more for this man, so it is not always the case that partners are wrong, sometimes they are quicker to pick up on it.

Just saying.

Original poster

teddypombear · 24/02/2019 13:21

@HollowTalk nope, and has mentioned females in the past, had lifts with them etc.

OP posts:

WarpedGalaxy · 24/02/2019 13:23

OP, I’m just pointing out how it looks from from what sounds like an insecure DP’s point of view. You’re dropping this guy’s name into conversation a lot and he seems to feature regularly on nights out, giving you lifts, messaging (regardless what about) - to your DP he’s looking like a threat.
Do you ever bring partners along to these work social gatherings? Maybe if DP met the guy it might help.

Original poster

teddypombear · 24/02/2019 13:27

@WarpedGalaxy no, no one ever does and to be honest, I wouldn't want to bring my DP. When his jealous/insecurities have came out before, he can be really hostile and passive aggressive and I wouldn't want to be embarrassed with my colleagues!

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 24/02/2019 13:27

Guilty conscience?

(Him, not you)

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