DP's mood about work colleague

[teddypombear]

I work in a relatively small group - about 10 people. I work with one male who also has a long term relationship and children. We work in separate departments (see each other for about 30 mins of the work day in total). We rarely message outside of work (and if it is, it's about something to do with something IYKWIM).

I'm not sure why DP has been funny about this guy to start with. He doesn't know him. He's never met him. He knows his circumstances (has a family).

We had a work gathering a couple of months ago and afterwards, I got a lift home with said colleague. DP was in a mood for the rest of the night (but trying to say he wasn't bothered but the atmosphere was horrible).

We had a night out around the same time. I came home to tell DP some general stories of the night and he got clearly bothered when said colleague was mentioned.

We've now got another night out coming up this weekend. I've just relayed the list of who is going so far. He got really snappy and really bluntly asked, 'thought you said he doesn't even go out often???' (I'd mentioned that in passing when we'd gone for last night out). I asked him if he had a problem and he was snapped 'oh for fucks sake, no' and then went on to say about how it's just weird that he 'never goes out' but is coming out again. We sat there for 5 more minutes in complete awkwardness with a horrible tension and I said, 'what is your problem?' And he got really snappy and told me to just go away and that I try and make it out like he has a problem when he's fine.

AIBU? Should I leave it? I just hate the awkwardness when he's brought up (even though it's really not often). I like to come home and tell little stories of my day and he's all happy and loves hearing them, I just feel like I have to only talk about my female colleagues otherwise he's got a problem and doesn't want to hear it.

But it doesn't matter if this guy does in fact have a by illicit intentions. So long as the OP doesn't her DP has nothing to worry about. We're always told on here that we can't excuse men's infidelity by blaming the ow. He can't be angry with OP if some bloke is friendly with her, or if he even made a pass at her. SHE is an autonomous person who will choose how to respond so if he's pissy with her it suggests he doesn't really trust her, which is a whole other issue

Christ, what's he like with your male friends? I would have serious issues if DP didn't want me around other men.

Gosh, hang on a minute, he’s good enough to be your dp and meet your family presumably but too embarrassing to meet your colleagues? That seems the wrong way around. Are you sure about this relationship?

@EvaHarknessRose no, just it'd be embarrassing if he was in a bad mood and hostile. I'd say the same if he was likely to be like that around my family (or anyone for that matter!)

@CookPassBabtridge I don't have any!

So you know he’s jealous, insecure, hostile and passive aggressive because he has been in the past and yet you can’t understand why he’s being jealous, insecure, hostile and passive aggressive about this man?Sorry, OP, but it sounds like you’re on a bit of a wind up here, you already know all these things about him so what are you looking for here? You have a choice, you either put up with his moods and shut up about things that trigger them or you get it out in the open and ask him to seek help with managing his jealousy issues. There not really anything else anyone here can tell you, well, other than LTB.

@WarpedGalaxy in the past it's been with a reason (never acceptable and I've brought it up) but I mean like, I've had history with that person in some form or another. This is completely random and weird.

I had a partner who was an arsehole about me spending any time with other men. Quite a few of my friends are male and he couldn't even handle me being alone in a room with a male doctor. I couldn't live with that so I ended up dumping him and had to call the police as he completely lost his shit.

Hmm. My feeling would be that he and the colleague have met before and that it is in a situation that does not reflect well on one of them so he can’t say.

I would stop talking about him to your dp. No this doesn't solve the bigger issue about your dp and jealousy issues, but at least you won't be stoking it up.

Stop talking about him and the problem goes away. If he feels threatened by the other man, then I would reassure him. There must be a reason why (at least in your dps mind) and just because he is married with dc doesn't mean very much to some people op.

Yes, the reason looks to be that he's an insecure, jealous, angry man. Are you seriously suggesting that the OP alter her entirely blameless behaviour to pander to his tantrums?

I'm not sure why DP has been funny about this guy to start with. He doesn't know him. He's never met him. He knows his circumstances (has a family)

Unless you've spoken about the colleague in front of, or directly to your DP, how comes he even knows about him, apart from getting a lift

Could you have (inadvertently) hit a hot button by you raising him in regular conversations? that's surely the only way he can know about things like relationships he has/had etc.

He sounds pretty damn insecure if he's so defensive about him, but is there a back-story, for example a previous partner cheating on him with a work colleague and he now thinks that history is repeating itself....

When his jealous/insecurities have came out before, he can be really hostile and passive aggressive and I wouldn't want to be embarrassed with my colleagues!

So he's a jeaous, controlling twunt.

Can you put up with it, OP, or is it a deal breaker?

Darling you’re obviously in a mood. I’d like to have an adult conversation about it, but you are an adult and if you tell me you’re fine then I have to believe you. If you still want to be in a mood go do it elsewhere, don’t inflict it on me.

What I thought to be friendly banter was, on this occasion, a prelude to something more for this man, so it is not always the case that partners are wrong, sometimes they are quicker to pick up on it.
Isn’t the point that your partner should trust you no matter what another person’s motives. It shouldn’t matter that the guy made a pass as long as you would never reciprocate. It’s also the case that he might think that of ten colleagues and only be right about one of them. That doesn’t mean he got it right, even a broken clock is right twice a day.

I’m astounded his behaviour is considered rising to the level of controlling and “textbook abuse” Yes, he’s apparently acting like a jealous idiot, but controlling and abuse is so much more than just that. OP is apparently picking up on his vibes, but if he consistently says there isn’t a problem, maybe there isn’t, except that she keeps pushing him on it, that gets pretty irritating pretty quick.

Just don’t mention him in the future. You might well find he doesn’t ask, in which case he’s been honest when he says there isn’t a problem.

We are getting one side of the story, we assume the OP is blameless, which may well be true, but is there another perspective on this. There very often is.

Stop talking about him and the problem goes away. If he feels threatened by the other man, then I would reassure him. There must be a reason why (at least in your dps mind) and just because he is married with dc doesn't mean very much to some people op.

What crap advice, Springwalk. Why on earth should the OP change her blameless behaviour just to keep her (unreasonable, jealous) H happy? She shouldn't. That's a slippery slope.

Are you seriously suggesting that the OP alter her entirely blameless behaviour to pander to his tantrums?
Are you seriously suggesting that in a long term relationship it’s entirely acceptable to keep doing something you know pisses them off, when not doing it doesn’t actually cause you any issue?

There are some things that really annoy my husband so I don’t do them. It makes no difference to my life not to do them so why wouldn’t I avoid it? Isn’t that what being in a relationship is about?

I'd bin him off. Partners are supposed to be good for you. That's why you choose to spend your precious time with them. Don't waste your life on this one.

I know that if I go home and talk on a regular basis about some random bloke at work, take lifts off him, etc etc, then it's likely to eventually hack my DH off or alienate him if he starts to get the impression this random is cropping up in a lot of conversations. So, irrespective of nothing at all going on in any way shape or form, I tend to take the view, why bother going into detail and souring a good relationship for no valid purpose.

This may be absolutely off the mark for the OP, but perhaps food for thought if it is true.

obviously green eyed jealousy sees this man as a threat to him hes being ridiculous and sacrificing the happiness between you for this its a shame really is problem is finding a way to show how silly he is being

We've x-posted Yabbers !

Has he had an ex who had an affair with a colleague perhaps?

I know that I found it difficult to adjust to a partner who was friendly with female colleagues after being cheated on by an ex. It wasn't OK, but was hard to help being jealous after getting badly stung previously. It took time and a patient and understanding new partner to reset the paradigm. He needs to be honest with you about what's in his head though - punishing you with his bad moods is unacceptable and doesn't sound great for your future.

But it’s not random and weird is it? This behavior hasn’t come out of a clear blue sky from nowhere. This is a man you see every day, talk about a lot and go on nights out with so there is ‘history’ in DP’s view.

Your DP has form for jealousy. Clue 1.

This was a problem for DP two months ago when he ‘got in a mood for the the rest of the night’ about the lift. Clue 2.

Another night out when he got ‘clearly bothered’ about you mentioning the guy. Clue 3.

YANBU to object to your DP being jealous and controlling but YABU to keep insisting you don’t get why when you actually do.

Are you seriously suggesting that in a long term relationship it’s entirely acceptable to keep doing something you know pisses them off, when not doing it doesn’t actually cause you any issue?

There are some things that really annoy my husband so I don’t do them. It makes no difference to my life not to do them so why wouldn’t I avoid it? Isn’t that what being in a relationship is about?

There's a difference between not leaving the toilet seat up/leaving your slippers in the middle of the bedroom floor and self-censoring in case you happen to mention a male colleague and it sets off your husband's rampant insecurity.

This I'm not sure why DP has been funny about this guy to start with and this When his jealous/insecurities have came out before, he can be really hostile and passive aggressive are contradictory. Clearly if he is jealous and insecure you talking regularly about a male colleague, getting lifts, having nights out would lead to him being jealous and insecure if he is prone to that.

There's a difference between not leaving the toilet seat up/leaving your slippers in the middle of the bedroom floor and self-censoring in case you happen to mention a male colleague and it sets off your husband's rampant insecurity

There really isn’t (and “rampant insecurity” may well be going too far). It’s not exactly walking on eggshells not to tell an insignificant story about “wot I did at work today” Laughable to suggest that it is.