DP's mood about work colleague

[teddypombear]

I work in a relatively small group - about 10 people. I work with one male who also has a long term relationship and children. We work in separate departments (see each other for about 30 mins of the work day in total). We rarely message outside of work (and if it is, it's about something to do with something IYKWIM).

I'm not sure why DP has been funny about this guy to start with. He doesn't know him. He's never met him. He knows his circumstances (has a family).

We had a work gathering a couple of months ago and afterwards, I got a lift home with said colleague. DP was in a mood for the rest of the night (but trying to say he wasn't bothered but the atmosphere was horrible).

We had a night out around the same time. I came home to tell DP some general stories of the night and he got clearly bothered when said colleague was mentioned.

We've now got another night out coming up this weekend. I've just relayed the list of who is going so far. He got really snappy and really bluntly asked, 'thought you said he doesn't even go out often???' (I'd mentioned that in passing when we'd gone for last night out). I asked him if he had a problem and he was snapped 'oh for fucks sake, no' and then went on to say about how it's just weird that he 'never goes out' but is coming out again. We sat there for 5 more minutes in complete awkwardness with a horrible tension and I said, 'what is your problem?' And he got really snappy and told me to just go away and that I try and make it out like he has a problem when he's fine.

AIBU? Should I leave it? I just hate the awkwardness when he's brought up (even though it's really not often). I like to come home and tell little stories of my day and he's all happy and loves hearing them, I just feel like I have to only talk about my female colleagues otherwise he's got a problem and doesn't want to hear it.

It's very often the case that passive aggressive or sulkiness comes from a deep seated fear of a situation getting out of control. Not everyone is adept at articulating their feelings often men so they lapse into communication by withdrawal, silence and negative body language.

Depending on how much you value the relationship and whether your DP is someone who, at his heart, is a good man, will determine whether you invest time in a deeper conversation in a quiet moment, when there's time to get into some detail about his behaviour. If you think it's a lost cause, then time to walk away. But don't allow it all to fester like a wound, that's very unhealthy

Your OP reminds me of my sister's situation, My BIL is a dick, always sat and sulked, she worked with a lovely man 20 years older, had a family absolutely nothing inappropriate but a similar sense of humour, BIL used to go into full on sulk and accused her of all sorts after her Christmas do. She has left work, rarely goes it, is nicely under the abusive spell.
He is a prick. He should trust and respect you.

Sounds like abit of gaslighting on his part.

I really have no time for unreasonable jealousy at the end of the day he either trusts you or he doesn’t!

You know your doing nothing wrong just ignore him and go out as normal - if he becomes aggressive or worries you in any way you can leave him as it’s his problem. This is in no way your issue and you don’t need to change how you are.

What happens if you change jobs with more male colleagues?

I worked on a site where I was the only woman with 40 men DH didn’t give a shit and I made some lifelong friends who he is now friends with.

There really isn’t (and “rampant insecurity” may well be going too far). It’s not exactly walking on eggshells not to tell an insignificant story about “wot I did at work today” Laughable to suggest that it is.

There's nothing laughable about the OP having to censor what she says to her husband to pretend that a member of her ten-person team does not exist because he has a penis, and is somehow therefore threatening to her moody, jealous husband. What other kind of blameless behaviour would he like her not to indulge in to pander to his insecurities? To not go on work nights out if the male colleague is going? To not accept a lift from him?

It is control whichever way you look at it.
DP works with a few women too, some beautiful ladies.
I would never make him feel uncomfortable to mention a colleague.
Is he usually miserable if your having any contact without him.

So is this bloke the only male you work with?

God knows how he would cope with me - I work on a team of 13 and am the only female! I only ever talk about men at work because there are no women!

Are you seriously suggesting that in a long term relationship it’s entirely acceptable to keep doing something you know pisses them off, when not doing it doesn’t actually cause you any issue? Except maybe lose her job for not working wellwith colleagues!

It hardly matters how or why he is as he is... if he cannot or will not discuss it then OP has few choices. One of which is to censor herself every time the subject of work comes up.

Of course, a truly insecure person would then accuse of deliberately not mentioning said colegaue, so the must be something going on!

Sorry OP - you have got yourself almost 4 years into a relationship with a man who tries to control you and you suspect would be an embarrassent in public. You have tried too hard.... forgiven too much, perhaps!

You do have other options!

@Mumoftwoyoungkids one other who is gay, so he's never bothered about him (although I took about him often, he's one of my favourite colleagues!!!)

OP, is the colleague attractive? Like, could that be why your DP might feel threatened? Might explain his behaviour if he is. Of course, this doesn't mean you fancy him, but your DP might be worried that you do.

I think it's normal to feel a bit insecure sometimes, and keep it to yourself etc, but certainly not acceptable to behave the way that he has been.

Seriously, what are you getting out of this? He sounds like a child. You’re embarrassed by his behaviour and he wants to limit your behaviour.

Fuck’s sake. Another woman putting up with shit for no good reason.

He's extending his 'fence' of who he gets jealous and stroppy about. First it was your exs, so you stopped innocently mentioning them. Now it's a male colleague. If you change your behaviour or pander to avoid his strops, he'll continue to extend the fence. Soon it'll be male friends- he knows men and they're only after one thing.. Then female friends - as they might corrupt you and encourage you to speak to men. Then it'll be family who suddenly don't like him and you are disloyal for seeing them.

He may not say these things directly, but he'll sulk and strop until it's easier for you to give in and isolate yourself.

What's he like if you go out with friends without him? He says it's fine, but is funny with you when you do?