That thus just wouldn't be fair? (Wedding related)

[GirlOnIt]

Ok so I'm thinking way in advance only just looking into weddings etc and it will be October/November next year at the earliest.

But there's a venue that I've always said I'd love to marry at and when I've imagined getting married it's been there. We're going to look next weekend so could be we could sort something out or that I'm not even as keen when we do go.

But looking at the online quote and information. We could do and afford a weekend in November (I originally wanted September/October but that's more). The minimum day guests we can have is 50 but the price includes weekend stay for 30 guests and obviously ourselves. But that would mean 20 guests wouldn't be able to stay and there's over things they put on that just the guests staying can attend.

I don't know how we'd decide the 30 to stay and the 20 not to and we plan up invite some just to the wedding reception but I think it feels like too many tiers of who we think is worth coming and staying, coming to the wedding and not staying and only being invited to the evening do.

It's around 2 1/2 hours from where we live and the majority of family and friends. Although I've friends nearer too.

Dp says it doesn't matter we book what we want and if people don't want to come that's up to them. He's only bothered that his mum, dad, brother, best man and his partner stay. And the rest I can choose. I guess if it's immediate family and wedding party bridesmaids etc staying that's probably ok.
Do people expect to pay to stay over somewhere if they go to weddings? We're going to one this year and the couple asked if we wanted to book a room at the hotel as they had to fill the rooms, but we've paid for it not them and we didn't mind at all. But I do know they struggled to get all the rooms booked so presumably a lot of guests did mind.

Well if DSis paid for little sis and not me, yes. If DCousin paid for his sister but not me, no.

Same with friends. It just needs to seem fair

Would those of you who wouldn't expect accommodation paid for. Would you be offended at all if some guests had it paid for?

As people says it all depends on the circumstances. Paying for all family if I was a friend? Of course I wouldn't be offended! Paying for some friends and not others? Yep that's divisive I'm afraid and will upset people.

I’m always happy to pay for accommodation at weddings, but probably would be a tiny bit miffed if over half had it paid for; although if it was family and close friends and I was a work colleague who had been invited, I wouldn’t be too fussed. Could you maybe ask for a contribution for the rooms except for the wedding party maybe? Some people would naturally want to make other arrangements ie travel home, stay in an air bnb- but also wouldnt run the risk of bad feeling (which although you shouldn’t have to worry about on your wedding day, can anyone be arsed with the drama?) I imagine it would also help you out a bit too.

If my friend was getting married and they were paying for their family, I wouldn't be offended if I had to pay for accommodation. So long as I wasn't being forced to pay £200 a night when there was a travelodge up the road I would be quite happy to pay.

I’ve gone to weddings a few hours away where I haven’t been invited to stay at the main hotel, I’ve instead got a hotel or Airbnb nearby and got taxis back and forth. It didn’t make me feel unwanted, I just understand the bride and groom have put family and wedding party in the hotel. It depends on your experience of weddings of course but my friends got married all over the country so booking my own accom has always been what I expected of weddings.

There's other places to stay near by. Looking at around £80-115 for the time of year we'd be looking at, that's this year though and we won't get married till next year.
There seems a few b&b pub style places so Dp said why don't we go for a drive round when we visit next weekend and see if we can get a deal to book all the rooms, then we can hopefully offer accommodation a bit cheaper and if people are at the same place we can put transport on to get back there after the wedding.

I don't know, I envisage the cost creeping up and up at this rate.

Wedding party (ie parents, bridesmaids, best man and their partners and kids) - you should expect to pay for.

Everyone else will expect to pay their own accommodation costs - that's perfectly normal at a wedding.

So work out how many rooms you have spare after the wedding party has been accommodated, and charge other guests, maybe a mates rate, and say it's first come first served. Send links to nearby hotels/b&bs to everyone else.

That's fair to everyone then.

We are doing a similar things where there space for about 30 to stay. We are choosing based on distance, those who travel furthest and would definitely need a hotel get to stay, then we'll pick friends we trust not to cause chaos, basically mine can stay, his all have to go home haha

Do people expect to pay to stay over somewhere if they go to weddings?

I would, yes - but I'd expect to choose the place and not to find that my room rate involved subbing others

Personally I detest places which push a "package" for limited numbers, clearly intended to encourage extra payment for add-ons. It also creates the issue you have with different "layers" of guests, which is why I'd much rather pay for just the wedding parts and leave everyone to sort accommodation as they see fit

I realise you're keen on the venue though, so good luck sorting it all out

I don't think everyone will expect or want to stay at the venue itself. I went to a wedding in a nice hotel about two hours drive from where I live, and shared a room with one of the bridesmaids at a local Travelodge. Fifteen pounds each, we were a lot happier to pay that than the hundred or so to stay at the venue. The wedding invitations left it up to the guests whether they wanted to book a room at the venue and also gave details of hotels nearby because there wouldn't have been room for everyone to stay. It worked really well, nobody was offended.

I think we'd have
My mum and partner
Dp's mum and dad
Dp's brother and guest (if he wants one)
My grandparents x 2
Dp's grandparents x 1
Three of my friends and partners two would be my bridesmaids.
My great aunt and maybe a friend of hers as rooms are for two.
My cousin and her partner/kids as I'd have the two girls as bridesmaids and I know they wouldn't be able to afford to stay and we are close.
That's 10 rooms so 5 left. I should let Dp invite a few more friends to equal it out. But I'm not sure who else. I feel like I'm forgetting someone.

If I was a guest at your wedding I would expect it to go like this:

"As part of our wedding package we do have a limited number of rooms available that we have already paid for. These cost £xx And we are offering them out on a first come first served basis. Let me know if you want further details. We will allocate them strictly on receipt of payment in otder to cover costs and be fair to everyone. Otherwise the following local establishments are a short walk/uber etc away from the venue..."

Have a wonderful wedding! Don't cover the cost of 30 people staying... that opens the door to all the CFs... 🙄

I've been a bridesmaid 6 times and only one has the bride paid for my accommodation which was very generous and unexpected. Like a pp said, I'd ask those staying to contribute if they'd like the stay at the venue (with the exception of parents). Then use this money to pay for more day guests or an open bar.

If you invite anyone other than close family and bridal party and pay for them you'll no doubt cause friction with other guests.

I think if we open it up to anyone though. We wouldn't necessarily be spending the extra time with who we'd choose.
Plus after wedding party and family there's not many rooms left.

Do men have saying other than best man?

Anyone not saying! Cracked phone screen 😂

That's 10 rooms so 5 left. I should let Dp invite a few more friends to equal it out. But I'm not sure who else. I feel like I'm forgetting someone.

You and DP?!

Yes we'd be paying for guests who stay at the hotel with us.

Why????

As PPs have said, I've been to lots of weddings like this and wouldn't ever expect the room to be paid for.

If you are set on "paying for guests" I would limit it to the immediate bridal/groomal (!) party and only those who couldn't afford to pay or those who are "workers" on the day (ie. chief bridesmaid/best man) where it would be kind to pay for them if you can afford it.

For example, you mention your mum & her partner. I'm pretty sure most mothers wouldn't miss their daughters wedding and would be prepared to pay for a once in a life time hotel room - especially if they have a new partner (who I'd hazard a guess) is working and has their own income. Why should you pay for "a partner" of your parent to be brutal about it.

Beyond that, weddings like that I've been to, when you get the invite it has some sort of information sheet with it (I've had everything from beautifully designed and printed booklets to a type written sheet of A4) that explains limited rooms in hotel venue (usually with a discount code/reduced rate offered by the hotel) and gives a range (about 3) of nearby hotels close to the venue with different price brackets so the guests are directed towards specific other hotels as its nice for people to be all together.

Bottom line: it's your day, you will only do this once, make it the way you want it. If you've always dreamed of this venue it would be sad and probably something you'd regret if you sack it off for over-worrying about logistics.

Ha! The 30 aren't including us MrsCBY.

Are ushers just if you have a church wedding? And is groomsmen a American thing? I don't think we want to bother with either of them.

We'd be paying because it's part of the wedding then staying. There's a bbq the night before and some other things. I know my mum would pay (although her partners been in my life a long time and I'd rather him there than my father). Same with Dp's parents but I think it would feel like they are paying to come to the wedding as there will be set things on, does that make sense. My mum is offering to buy my dress and bridesmaids dresses so more than paying for a room and Dp's parents are giving us a generous amount towards the overall cost.

You don't have to open the offer of rooms to everyone to ask for a contribution - ask those you want to stay most first and put it on the invite if you have a few unallocated.

We called our men ushers but see them described as groomsmen too. They have been at both church and civil weddings that I've been to.

Plus I know two of my friends would struggle with paying but I'd love them there as would my cousin but we're close and I want her and her dc there.
DP's grandparents could easily afford it but one of mine not so much. I don't think charging one lot is fair and not the others though.

If I was told which hotel I was to stay in, then I would expect it to be paid for.

If I'm paying, then I would want to choose whether and where I stayed.

So in your shoes I would offer the accommodation firstly to the 30 guests who mean most (parents etc) and then to the people you least think can afford a whole weekend stay, and let the others find their own.

Negotiate with the venue about what ancillary events there are, and whether they can be extended to non-residents (there's no reason really why they can't, but there might be a supplementary charge. You can haggle)

I’ve been to a wedding like this. All the family and very close friends stayed in the big house. And I got a room in a traveloge about 1/2 hour away with about 20 others. To be honest, I stayed at the big house till about 3 so i didn’t care what it was like.

No one was upset. Everyone was happy with the arrangement.

Oh yeah and I was invited to the pre-wedding bbq even though I wasn’t staying atthe house. So that might be something you could ask about.