Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

To ask if I’ll ever stop loving him?

104 replies

AuroraAdoreHer · 23/02/2019 15:09

Please be gentle on me. I have NC for this.

I’m married with 2 children. Last year I met a man at work and developed strong feelings of attraction towards him. It brought into sharp focus that I’m very unhappy in my marriage. DH and I had relationship counselling but have decided to split up.

My friend from work (also married with children), no longer works at my company but we have remained close friends and chat often.

He’s a very good person who prioritises his family although he seems unhappy in his relationship. He’s happy to give up his own happiness for the sake of his family.

Nothing physical has ever happened between us but I think we’re both attracted to each other.

As our time apart has increased I hoped I would forget about how I feel about him. Instead the feelings have evolved into something deeper and I believe that I love him.

I don’t know what I’m asking really. All I know is that I miss him constantly, I love him dearly and really miss him.

What do I do going forwards? Be his friend and stay in his life in case his circumstances ever change? Will this love and longing ever go away?

Has this ever happened to you and did you have a happy ending?

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:

lottielady · 25/02/2019 10:01

OP you’re not having it are you?

What do you want to hear?

‘You’ll never get over it because it’s true love. He feels the same way as you. In three months time he’ll leave his wife, and she’ll be grateful because she’ll finally get a chance to experience true love with someone else. He’ll turn up on your doorstep with his kids and pets, and you’ll all make one big happy blended family and he will say during his wedding speech that he didn’t think he could love until he met you.’

There. That better?

KingMash · 25/02/2019 10:02

It doesn't matter whether he's kind and decent or not, he's married to someone else. As I said you're just prolonging your own pain and being unfair to his wife in the process.

And I suspect while you're constantly caught up in fantasies about him you're not being fully present in other areas of your life such as for your kids (speaking from experience).

Let it go, for all your sakes, it's not a healthy situation.

Letsmoveondude · 25/02/2019 10:07

Yes you do get over them, it takes a long time. There was a man who I just couldn’t make it work with when I was 18/19, we could have had an amazing life together, for years I chased him, I chased him. I told him I loved him and missed him, how I would love no one else like I’d loved him. He said the same to me, when I wised up, I moved on.
In the back of my mind I was still available to him. Then i married my DH.
I spoke to him a year into my marriage. He was telling me how he would never get married, not now that the one person who he would have married was taken. At that point we had been apart for 6 years, and he had complete ownership of me for 3 years before that. I know it’s not the word people use in relationships, but I would have done everything and anything for that man. I was SO in love with him.

When we had that conversation after I was married I was giddy, then I realised I had to get over him. I really had to put it to bed.

I haven’t spoken to him since. We’re 3? Years away from that point. I rarely think of him, and when I do I don’t have that ache in my chest anymore. We couldn’t be together, and in some ways I feel like I’ve had a lucky escape.

But I do want to say, this man isn’t blameless in this situation.

He is a married man, when I spoke to my ex, I never told him about my feelings for my husband, I never let him in that way. To do so would have been a level of betrayal I couldn’t commit against my marriage. I would view it similarly if my husband was to tell a female workmate about our relationship. Definitely in a dodgy territory.

He isn’t acting like a loyal man to his wife.

Andromeida59 · 25/02/2019 10:28

OP it sounds like you're just fixating on him because of problems in your own life. I've known people go through similar experiences. She put her entire life on hold waiting for him to truly reciprocate.
You're wasting your time OP. Have your fantasy but it can be nothing more than that. Any decent man wouldn't be telling another woman that he'd "never been in love", he sounds like a snake and is loving the attention. You don't know him, you know the persona he shows at work.

ALargeGinPlease · 25/02/2019 10:31

If he's such a good person etc etc, imagine how would you would feel if you were married to each other and then you found out he was behaving like this with another woman....would you think he was such a good man then?
Cut contact now, move on, there are better men out there, who won't have EA's behind their wives backs.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 25/02/2019 10:34

Why would a married man tell another woman that he's never been in love? Seriously, think about that one very very hard. It's extremely disloyal to his wife. What purpose would saying that possibly have? He's not the nice guy you think he is.

I think your own marriage breaking down has led you to see this man as the antidote to your situation, you've set him up in your head as the perfect husband for the perfect marriage you should have had. But the perfect husband would never go telling another woman he'd never been in love would he? Think about the way he's treating his wife in doing that, you're very naive if you think he'd treat you any differently. He's not an innocent little victim too honorable to leave his unhappy marriage, he's a bad husband. How would you feel if you were his wife and found out he'd said that to another woman?

It's quite natural to get infatuated with someone on the rebound, but you could do a hell of a lot of damage here, to yourself as well as others. Go NC and get on with your life. And maybe look into counselling or someone mentioned something about hypnotherapy that could help.

arethereanyleftatall · 25/02/2019 10:56

You're excusing his shitty behaviour, by thinking that it's only cos he's so in love with you that he's behaving like such a disloyal shit to his wife. And actually he's a really lovely man. No, he's not. If you were a lovely man, you would not say anything at all to you unless he was free to do so. Stop it, just stop it.

AnyFucker · 25/02/2019 11:46

Op isn't listening. She is swept up in the Mills and Boon starcrossed lovers who will be together one day if she just waits long enough.

It's a fantasy. A damaging fantasy because it has made her press the pause button on her life.

We are all wasting our time because all she wants to hear is affirmation of her delusion.

Original poster

AuroraAdoreHer · 25/02/2019 12:54

I am listening. I know you’re right. If he actually loved me he would want to be with me. He’s stringing me along because he likes the ego boost.

My dilemma now is whether we stay in touch as friends.

OP posts:

AornisHades · 25/02/2019 13:09

No. No staying friends. That's a way of waiting.
There that's your dilemma sorted.

outpinked · 25/02/2019 13:13

You don’t love him, you lust after him as some sort of distraction from your miserable life. Sort your life out and block him, you have absolutely no reason to be talking to a married man in this way.

ALargeGinPlease · 25/02/2019 13:45

If you stay in touch as friends, you will continue with this fantasy you've built up, NC is the only way you can move on.

PBo83 · 25/02/2019 14:01

He would never leave in a million years. His goodness, his loyalty and his integrity are all part of what I love about him.

Someone said this way up thread and I would say PLEASE don't test this. He may have the best intentions but clearly there is a connection between you. Fidelity is absolute until it is tested.

PBo83 · 25/02/2019 14:02

*Sorry, not someone, you (it was going to be a bigger quote originally)

CantStopMeNow · 25/02/2019 16:00

The most he has ever done is say things like how attractive he finds me, how beautiful I am, how much he enjoys my company, how much he likes me as a person, how much he enjoyed his job because of me, how he’s not sure what ‘we have between us’, etc. This coupled with him calling me a lot, and long lingering eye contact has made me think he thinks of me as more than a friend. But maybe that’s just normal friend stuff?

No. This is NOT normal friend stuff - and i have more male friends than female.

It's manipulation pure and simple.
He's doing just enough for YOU to read the situation the way YOU want to.....if you ever confronted him over how his words/behaviour are coming across to you he will deny it - and say it's all in your head.
I'm talking from painful and humiliating experience.

You're not emotionally detached enough to remain friends with him.
It's you who's going to get hurt in the long run.

User31011985 · 25/02/2019 16:05

If counselling has not worked end your marriage.
Do NOT engage with this other man at all. He is a distraction.

Afamat · 25/02/2019 16:27

I've been in a very similar situation and I promise you it will only end in you getting hurt. I'm also not going to belittle your feelings towards him because I think you probably do love him.
I was in love with my best mate (a married guy) for like 8 years. I put my life on hold hoping that one day he would feel the same. He did love me but not in that way.
I backed off for 6 months before I found out he had left his unhappy marriage to be with somebody else. I was heartbroken. All those years wasted waiting on him.
At most you will get a fling/affair out of him but you will never have the love and happy ending you want.

Sorry to say you need to take a step back, try and look at it from outside. It does get easier but it takes time. Go out and find a handsome avaliable guy to have fun and spend time with. You will soon see this for what it is.

IAmNotAWitch · 25/02/2019 20:12

Sounds like he (and you) are going for the "Great, but tragic" love story option to justify your affair.

When it happens it will just be the usual sordid version.

Time to grow up and control yourself. What do you actually want to happen?

Graphista · 25/02/2019 21:50

"He is not a decent man. A decent man does not say those things whilst married. End of!!!"

Which I and others sussed from the beginning.

He's a fickle, disloyal creep who doesn't really care for you or his wife.

He has NO BUSINESS talking to you at all let alone interfering in your marriage and betraying his!

NO if he loved you he wouldn't be with you he'd LEAVE YOU ALONE because that would be the best thing for you! When you love someone you do what's best for them not what's best for you.

Same applies for you loving him to be honest. If you REALLY cared for him you'd LEAVE HIM ALONE

Original poster

AuroraAdoreHer · 26/02/2019 15:14

You have all helped massively. I have found my anger! Thank you.

OP posts:

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 26/02/2019 18:53

That's great news!

I hope you can start to see a way forward from this and away from him now.

Original poster

AuroraAdoreHer · 26/02/2019 19:19

Thank you. I’m sure this has been said upthread but I feel like he’s been giving me just enough to keep me hanging on but nothing to incriminate him. I think he’s attracted to me but he has zero intention of ever doing anything about it. He’s a coward. I think he found the attention thrilling and I have been a six month ego boost.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 26/02/2019 20:38

Thank Christ for that

Monty27 · 28/02/2019 05:01

Ditto AF

sweetsaltypopcorn · 28/02/2019 06:12

OP, I'm guessing he's not currently on a Dadsnet-type site writing lovey-dovey posts about how wonderful and amazing his ex-colleague (you) is.
He's probably shagging his wife and getting on with his life.
Glad you're no longer mooning over him - I'd bet thousands he was never mooning over you.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread