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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if I’ll ever stop loving him?

104 replies

AuroraAdoreHer · 23/02/2019 15:09

Please be gentle on me. I have NC for this.

I’m married with 2 children. Last year I met a man at work and developed strong feelings of attraction towards him. It brought into sharp focus that I’m very unhappy in my marriage. DH and I had relationship counselling but have decided to split up.

My friend from work (also married with children), no longer works at my company but we have remained close friends and chat often.

He’s a very good person who prioritises his family although he seems unhappy in his relationship. He’s happy to give up his own happiness for the sake of his family.

Nothing physical has ever happened between us but I think we’re both attracted to each other.

As our time apart has increased I hoped I would forget about how I feel about him. Instead the feelings have evolved into something deeper and I believe that I love him.

I don’t know what I’m asking really. All I know is that I miss him constantly, I love him dearly and really miss him.

What do I do going forwards? Be his friend and stay in his life in case his circumstances ever change? Will this love and longing ever go away?

Has this ever happened to you and did you have a happy ending?

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Surfingtheweb · 25/02/2019 01:13

He's married, leave him alone.

Sorchajanebright · 25/02/2019 04:05

I feel really sorry for this man's wife. If it's genuinely true, and he's not just spinning you a line, that he's never been in love with his wife, then what a prick this man is to have married her and not have ended things when he realized he wasn't in love with her (i.e before he'd married and had children with her 🙄). Try and put yourself in her shoes and Imagine her incredible hurt and heartbreak if she were to ever find this out. He's effectively stolen her chance (assuming they never break up) to have this. You have to be a deeply selfish person to do this to someone, so sorry OP, I don't agree with your assessment that he's a good man.

Monty27 · 25/02/2019 04:27

Like I said upthread OP. Deluded. Good luck with that one in real life Hmm

swingofthings · 25/02/2019 05:49

He’s happy to give up his own happiness for the sake of his family
This is where you are totally deluding yourself.

Men who are truly unhappy in their relationship go, even the loyal and responsible ones.

What happens if they tell you about the things that are missing in their marriage which lead you to conclude they are unhappy. What they don't tell you are the things that do make them happy or commited to their wives.

Don't be fooled by thinking he is a poor matyr staying for the good of his children.

Oysterbabe · 25/02/2019 06:42

Don't buy his nonsense, he's just enjoying the attention.

Original poster
AuroraAdoreHer · 25/02/2019 07:19

CantStopMeNow, you’re right that he says he doesn’t do love. But it’s confusing because he does come across as a warm, loving person. Are you saying that he does do love really but he’s just saying that to me for some reason? However, he seems very anti affairs. So why would he adopt that strategy?

OP posts:
Original poster
AuroraAdoreHer · 25/02/2019 07:20

Thank you Gone4Good, you’re very kind.

OP posts:
Original poster
AuroraAdoreHer · 25/02/2019 07:21

Sorchajanebright, if he doesn’t love her then I think he knows she loves him and he doesn’t want to hurt her.

OP posts:
Original poster
AuroraAdoreHer · 25/02/2019 07:25

swingofthings, you make a very interesting point. I think he probably is happy at home: regular sex, all his meals cooked for him, washing done, playing with his children and pets.

Why would he reel me in so far that my own relationship falls apart if he didn’t feel anything for me other than friendship and an ego boost? It seems so cruel.

OP posts:
Bowchicawowow · 25/02/2019 07:58

You are just an interesting diversion for him. A bit of excitement. He doesn’t love you.

arethereanyleftatall · 25/02/2019 08:16

I don't think I'd go as far as cruel - more just self absorbed; he's only thinking about how much he's enjoying the attention, not how much it's messing with your life. Mind, I'm afraid the same could be said for you. You're only thinking of your own fantasy, not how much it could potentially mess with his kids lives.

TheWildRumpyPumpus · 25/02/2019 08:22

Why would he reel me in so far that my own relationship falls apart if he didn’t feel anything for me other than friendship and an ego boost? It seems so cruel.

Can you clarify that this man has never once said that he is attracted to you, let alone wanted to have an affair with you or for you to leave your marriage to be with him?

You seem to have built an enormous fantasy around not very much at all - perceived looks, open conversations you might have with a friend - nothing that actually crosses a line?

In your position I’d ask myself - what do I get out of what I am doing and how I am feeling right now? It doesn’t seem to the outside that your current stage of longing and hoping is doing anything positive for you, so why stay on that rollercoaster?

Original poster
AuroraAdoreHer · 25/02/2019 09:03

He’s never said that he wants to have an affair. He’s certainly never expressed that he’d leave his wife for me. The most he has ever done is say things like how attractive he finds me, how beautiful I am, how much he enjoys my company, how much he likes me as a person, how much he enjoyed his job because of me, how he’s not sure what ‘we have between us’, etc. This coupled with him calling me a lot, and long lingering eye contact has made me think he thinks of me as more than a friend. But maybe that’s just normal friend stuff?

OP posts:
Original poster
AuroraAdoreHer · 25/02/2019 09:04

I’m feeling sad and empty and a bit used.

OP posts:
Stopandlook · 25/02/2019 09:13

You need to thicken your skin and cut contact. It is so hard, I’ve been in a situation where I couldn’t bear to walk away and the only solution was to toughen up and live.

It will get easier, I know it doesn’t seem possible now.

LunchBoxPolice · 25/02/2019 09:14

What he says and does is irrelevant. The man is married, and his behaviour towards you suggests that he isn't a very nice man.

Original poster
AuroraAdoreHer · 25/02/2019 09:18

Stopandlook, you’re probably right about cutting contact but it’s so difficult. He’s my favourite person in the whole world (except for my children) and I really really like him as a person. So the thought of cutting contact is unbearable.

OP posts:
Original poster
AuroraAdoreHer · 25/02/2019 09:20

LunchBoxPolice please trust me that he is a nice, good person. I don’t think he ever intended to feel an attraction towards me. I think he feels terribly guilty about it. If he was a bad person he’d have followed his desires and at least kissed me. He’s trying to be good and is avoiding meeting up alone.

OP posts:
Original poster
AuroraAdoreHer · 25/02/2019 09:21

Is there not an option to keep him in my life in case his circumstances change?

OP posts:
Jamiefraserskilt · 25/02/2019 09:24

He is not yours and will never be yours because he is married and intends to stay that way.
He is playing with fire. Keeps you hanging on with looks and comments. Nothing here will end well so one of you needs to be the grown up.
Cut contact and go and find someone who is free to love.
He may be the best friend you have and excites you in every way but he is taken. Move on. It will be the greatest favour you can do yourself.

Stopandlook · 25/02/2019 09:32

I wasted 10 years on a similar man. Honestly no one could have adored anyone more than I did him, and he totally strung me along. I don’t think he meant any evil, he was just a weak man underneath and didn’t realise the harm that he was causing. I was sleeping with him (not married but he hadn’t got out of a long distance relationship with someone he loved more than me). His relationship didn’t survive but even so, it wasn’t a magic happy ending for us because I saw the light. Cut contact for a few years, during which my life turned around, I got my life back, married a truly decent man and made a success.
We are in contact a bit now that I’m stronger, but on a totally different basis.
You need to get a bit angry.

KingMash · 25/02/2019 09:42

I've been where you are OP and it was extremely painful. Please believe me when I say that you have to go NC with this man. He knows how you feel (to some extent at least) and all you're doing is prolonging the agony for yourself.

A pp suggestion of hypnotherapy is a good one.

I'm not going to lie, it took me years to get over after I cut contact but I did eventually meet someone else and am in a good relationship.

Like you he highlighted the problems in my relationship and I feel grateful that he was the catalyst for me leaving a horrible controlling relationship. After I'd cut contact I tried to hold on to that as a positive.

I still think about him (strangely I dreamt about him last night) but not in a longing way, more in a hope he's happy kind of way.

No good can come from this situation at the moment Flowers

DuffBeer · 25/02/2019 09:45

Oh, so he's trotting our the "you're so beautiful" "I've never met anyone like you" crap, whilst simultaneously telling you that he's never been in love!

You're both having your egos boosted, but unfortunately for you, you've now fallen in love whilst he's still happy to have you fawning all over him.

He is not a decent man. A decent man does not say those things whilst married. End of!!!

Original poster
AuroraAdoreHer · 25/02/2019 09:54

DuffBeer but what if he’s a kind decent man who dated his wife and got swept along with the ease of it, eventually getting engaged because it was expected. (I’m not saying that’s what happened but I can totally imagine him doing that). Then in his late 30s he actually meets someone who he DOES fall in love with. He tries so hard to be the honourable person he always thought he was. But very occasionally the truth slips out. These little lapses are about 0.01% of our interactions. The remaining 99.99% of the time he’s being ‘my friend’, giving me advice on how to fix my marriage.

OP posts:
Cobblersandhogwash · 25/02/2019 10:00

He'd not really a decent kind of man and nor is he family focused if he's spending hours talking to you.

I don't think this man sounds as wonderful as you think he is.

Step back. Don't be in touch.

Find a single bloke if you're interested in a relationship.