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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is STBX? (obviously he is)

58 replies

Kismetjayn · 23/02/2019 14:09

We are splitting up. Have written a list each of things we want when no longer living together.

I've tried to put DD first in everything so my list is stuff like, no mudslinging. Pay percentage maintenance to level the lifestyle instead of residency (I don't earn right now so he would be paying me, but I'm on track to potentially outearn him down the line. I don't want her having to go and stay overnight somewhere depressing, but I don't want him Disney-dadding it either, I think this is fairest on her.) Also outlined how Christmas & bdays would work.

When discussing this one of his first questions was how I'd feel if he started seeing someone else Hmm and one of the top things on his list was to tell each other if something 'major' happened in our lives. I suspect this is more control & lack of privacy for me while he sees himself free to swan off with anyone else (because he's such a catch...)
He also wants petrol reimbursed out of any maintenance which seems utterly petty and pathetic to me but he doesn't want me 'taking advantage' and I also have to 'make the effort' for travel as I don't drive and am moving an hour away (we were meant to be moving together.)

AIBU and full of cynical resentment?

OP posts:
Jaspermcsween · 23/02/2019 14:32

It's good you are putting your daughter first.

But you seem to be laying down all the rules.

Why shouldn't she stay overnight with him ?

Jaspermcsween · 23/02/2019 14:33

Yes it's reasonable of you both to inform the other of major life changes.

bridgetreilly · 23/02/2019 14:34

Jasper, I don't think she was saying no overnights, just that she didn't want huge disparity of circumstances in the two homes when there were overnights.

OP, his list seems fair to me. I think you may not be seeing things very clearly.

IWantChocolates · 23/02/2019 14:36

I think the OP meant when she's earning more than her ex, she will pay some maintenance to him so he can have somewhere reasonable for their daughter to stay.

I don't agree with his petrol money coming out of maintenance if the reason you're moving an hour away is because it's something you agreed to as a couple, but now you're separating you are still obliged to go. If it's not your choice to go there alone then your daughter shouldn't be penalised for that.

PinkHeart5914 · 23/02/2019 14:38

So he pays you money as you don’t currently earn any, so he is paying all your living cost Confused

Why the fuck can’t he have his child overnight? Like it or not you are not the only parent

Why do you get to outline how Christmas and birthdays work? Again you are not the only parent

Anything major happening in each other’s life would obviously effect the child, so yes you would mention it

I wouldn’t say his being unreasonable. You however haven’t come across great in your post.....

Original poster
Kismetjayn · 23/02/2019 14:40

No, he'd definitely have overnights! I'm just worried that she'll start off living somewhere not-so-nice with me and having no treats at all, then living somewhere nice with me with a nice lifestyle and sent for overnights somewhere more grim and not resenting it by the time she's in her teens.

What would you guys class as major? I think this is my wariness- if I start dating however far down the line, I'll have to tell him when, how often, who, even if DD not introduced or aware, and he'll keep 'informing' me of things that side too. Me fancying other people has always been very high on his agenda while it doesn't really register on mine.

Thank you for helping me see things more levelly. Hard not to seethe so do want to be fair.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kismetjayn · 23/02/2019 14:42

*and resenting it

I stopped work to raise for DD4 as he was unreliable re picking her up etc. I've been studying for a year around her to get back into work.

OP posts:
TearingUpMyHeart · 23/02/2019 14:43

Obviously some posters are hard of reading

Original poster
Kismetjayn · 23/02/2019 14:44

Re Christmas and birthdays, I wanted us both to state preferences and negotiate. He said he didn't care.

OP posts:
IvanaPee · 23/02/2019 14:44

I don’t know what you’re problem is, to be fair.

You don’t want her staying somewhere grim when you can eventually afford somewhere nicer than him? Just, what??

TearingUpMyHeart · 23/02/2019 14:46

Those things you outline are not 'major' imo and sound controlling. Sure, it's not great to introduce dd to a string of new partners so perhaps you could both agree a length of time before that happens, but otherwise ...your dating life is your business

TearingUpMyHeart · 23/02/2019 14:48

Don't worry about things a long time off. He might have dropped out of her life by then, or have a better job, or be remarried ...who knows.

CanILeavenowplease · 23/02/2019 14:49

You underestimate your child. What she will want is to see her dad - even if his home is ‘grim’. Maintaining contact is what is important - children can process that one household is better off than another and deal with it accordingly. It’s not really an issue - we all have friends with smaller houses or bigger houses or who live in a crap area or who are untidy or something else.

When you first split up, it is worth trying to put stuff down as you are doing but ultimately, you end up doing things by ‘feel’. What feels important today may be less of an issue when it actually happens 4 years from now. Major life changes which may impact your child should be communicated - moving in with someone, pregnancy, serious illness of ex, new partner, new baby or close family etc. That either of you is dating or you threw up last night, not so much.

Original poster
Kismetjayn · 23/02/2019 15:15

True. All makes perfect sense, thank you.

Not sure what to do about maintenance, then. He wouldn't be paying my living expenses, I get benefits, will get student loan & starting working a horrible call centre type job from home to manage, but 10% of his relatively small income would still make a good difference. I don't want to be grabby and say because she lives with me I always get money from him regardless of circumstances. But no one above seems to think me paying is a good idea...

OP posts:
IvanaPee · 23/02/2019 15:23

Maintenance should be paid by the NRP to the RP.

Everything else is just messy.

TacoLover · 23/02/2019 15:26

I'm just worried that she'll start off living somewhere not-so-nice with me and having no treats at all, then living somewhere nice with me with a nice lifestyle and sent for overnights somewhere more grim and not resenting it by the time she's in her teens.

Hmmwhat are you on about?

Crabbyandproudofit · 23/02/2019 15:29

I think you are right about maintenance - if you end up earning substantially more than him, even if your daughter spends more time with you (and that might change) you should be prepared to pay maintenance to him.

You are obviously still feeling a bit raw about this and not wanting to be taken for a mug but keep reminding yourself that your DD comes first. Seeing her parents handle their split like civilised adults will be the thing that does her the most good in the long run.

UserUser123 · 23/02/2019 15:30

I had a rule about telling my ex about anything “major” as in, if it was going to affect the kids then he should know.

I didn’t tell him when I started seeing someone else, but 7 months down the line when I was ready to introduce my now DP to the kids, I did let my ex know as I didn’t want the kids going back to him and telling him they had met “mum’s new boyfriend” without him being told about it first.

I think you need to establish what “major” means in this instance.

BejamNostalgia · 23/02/2019 15:37

No, he'd definitely have overnights! I'm just worried that she'll start off living somewhere not-so-nice with me and having no treats at all, then living somewhere nice with me with a nice lifestyle and sent for overnights somewhere more grim and not resenting it by the time she's in her teens.

Lifestyle change when parents split is not unusual and as long as parents handle it well then it doesn’t have to be particularly damaging. I’d go as far as to say that parents who can coparemt civily are far more beneficial to a child than material wealth.

What would you guys class as major? I think this is my wariness- if I start dating however far down the line, I'll have to tell him when, how often, who, even if DD not introduced or aware, and he'll keep 'informing' me of things that side too

What I would class as ‘major’ is anything which had more than a minor impact on your children.

He has no right to know if you are dating or seeing people socially. However if you are getting to the point of introducing children or moving in together then, yes, it would be good to tell him because then both of you would be able to support them well during a time that some children find distressing and confusing. Also planned job or house moves or major health issues. He only needs to know anything when it is beneficial for your children that he knows and can support them.

On the other hand, that also means he is obligated to tell you the same which means you’ll be armed with the knowledge if you think he’s handling it badly and it’s impacting on your kids.

It all sounds pretty normal. What both of you have asked for seems perfectly reasonable and the groundwork for an amicable split might be there if you choose to take it.

BejamNostalgia · 23/02/2019 15:42

what are you on about?

The OP is in training now and is not going to be in a very good position financially after the split. She will be studying and doing a low paid job for a bit. During that period, she would like her ex to supplement her income from his.

When OP is done training, she will be earning more than her DP, so then she thinks she will send him money so DD has a similar lifestyle with him.

Original poster
Kismetjayn · 23/02/2019 15:45

Okay, all sounds good. Yes, those kinds of major changes are reasonable, I'd specified that if circumstances change that affect DD (work, housing, living with partner) we should notify and also said we should be able to communicate amicably about DD. I really do want to coparent amicably.

He amended that to 'any major changes in our lives'. I'll get him to pin down specifics on major.

I think we both are too involved with each other. I am too worried about how he will manage. He wants to retain too much of a say/control in my life. I think that's my problem, to PP- it's the pattern of our relationship.

OP posts:
CanILeavenowplease · 23/02/2019 15:47

I think you need to establish what “major” means in this instance

I wouldn’t. Trying to work out the rights and wrongs, pros and cons of a situation that hasn’t happened - and might never happen - just leaves the gates open for endless discussion and endless potential for ‘but we agreed...’ when quite clearly what you agree today is probably not applicable in 10 years time anyway. It can be used to control and worse, leave you in a situation where you are endlessly reporting whole hordes of nonsense to the ex rather than getting on with life.

I find asking myself will it matter tomorrow/next week/next month/next year before asking my ex anything always helps. It also really helps if you recognise early on that you can’t stop them doing whatever it is they want. No teeth cleaning before bed, staying up late, mixing with kids you don’t like...not grounds for arguments, not grounds for stopping contact or calling social services. Also worth remembering the threshold for social service intervention is very high when you see your child wearing pants two sizes too small and throusers 2 sizes too big!

TacoLover · 23/02/2019 15:48

The OP is in training now and is not going to be in a very good position financially after the split. She will be studying and doing a low paid job for a bit. During that period, she would like her ex to supplement her income from his.When OP is done training, she will be earning more than her DP, so then she thinks she will send him money so DD has a similar lifestyle with him.

Thanks for explaining.

OP personally I think that's a bit ridiculous, you shouldn't be sending each other money as a requirement just for treats. Your child will learn that you can't have everything all the time and it's not like they aren't having treats at all, just not with one parent. And what happens if the incomes fluctuate again in the future? And again? Will you keep switching who should send money to the other so that your child can have an identical level of luxury with both parents?

TitsAndTomatoes · 23/02/2019 16:04

Look. You're worryinh about the wrong thing.
Stop thinking about the differences in the olaces she lives in (one being Disneyland and one grim), thats not really the issue.
She just needs to be settled and happy. That is the sole focus for you both.
If you are resident parent, he should pay you mainetenance.
Reimbursing for petrol is fucking ridiculous. He needs to grow up.

Mediationd and/or legal advice. Put her first and let the rest follow.

TitsAndTomatoes · 23/02/2019 16:05

FML excuse the typos.

Also when you do earn more just get legal and financial advice on what to do then. Cross that bridge when it comes. For now focus on the current situation.