Or is STBX? (obviously he is)

[Kismetjayn]

We are splitting up. Have written a list each of things we want when no longer living together.

I've tried to put DD first in everything so my list is stuff like, no mudslinging. Pay percentage maintenance to level the lifestyle instead of residency (I don't earn right now so he would be paying me, but I'm on track to potentially outearn him down the line. I don't want her having to go and stay overnight somewhere depressing, but I don't want him Disney-dadding it either, I think this is fairest on her.) Also outlined how Christmas & bdays would work.

When discussing this one of his first questions was how I'd feel if he started seeing someone else and one of the top things on his list was to tell each other if something 'major' happened in our lives. I suspect this is more control & lack of privacy for me while he sees himself free to swan off with anyone else (because he's such a catch...)
He also wants petrol reimbursed out of any maintenance which seems utterly petty and pathetic to me but he doesn't want me 'taking advantage' and I also have to 'make the effort' for travel as I don't drive and am moving an hour away (we were meant to be moving together.)

AIBU and full of cynical resentment?

If he is mean and controlling now he still will be when you aren't together.

So resign yourself to this. He wont change.

Use the csa calculator to work out what he owes you so that you can pay for childcare and to meet the other needs of your daughter.

This could change in future. Maybe it will be him that earns more? But if not, that is his choice and it isn't for you to sub him.

OP you are well over thinking this.

Once he is out spending money on other Women and possibly their children, you will harden up.

With someone like him, you plan for the next six months-year and just live your own life.

Your still under his control and at the same time, solving any problems he has, you need to break that mindset.

I will guarantee that if you did the freedom programme it would be an eye opener.

I remember bending over backwards for my ex during/after the split - thinking the more reasonable I am, the more reasonable he will be and the better our coparenting relationship will be for the sake of the DC. Unfortunately it doesn’t work like that and as soon as he didn’t like something, all the goodwill I thought would be there because of everything I had done for him that I didn’t need to... let’s just say I may as well not have bothered. Things for the DC are great though, despite him barely being able to look at me; we are civil and they are happy, which is all that matters.

Ask for the calculated maintenance. I can understand his point about the travel costs given you’re moving away (which sounds the right thing to do). Those costs usually are down to the NRP but perhaps you could offer a £30 reduction for one of the round trips, making it clear though that if he starts to be funny about maintenance and asking for other reductions/money for extras etc, you’ll just go through CMS which will ignore any agreement you make now.

Being fair and open to discussion about Christmas, holidays and access is of course the right route for everyone - just don’t be a pushover because you still feel obligated to please him/guilty about your new opportunities.
Well done and best of luck!

I think you are being very responsible and considering your DD’s needs well, it’s a shame more parents can’t do this.

Anyway, I don’t see an issue with informing one another before you introduce a new partner to your DD at all. You don’t need to inform each other when you’ve started dating someone but it’s nice to let the other one know before you introduce to DD.

Thank you everyone. I guess I'd best ask for proper maintenance, £180pcm minimum as it stands and more if he gets moved the next bracket up in April. Oh well, £180 minus the petrol money is the £120 I was going to ask for anyway.

I'd already said changes to arrangements with DD should be discussed such as meeting new partners, since that was the first thing he asked about. But he means major changes in our personal lives, and his reasoning was in case DD mentions it so he doesn't assume she's lying

I said if he suspects she's lying about something he can text and check but why would she lie about something in my personal life that doesn't have an impact on her?

I don't think he's abusive like the relationships in the freedom programme, he's just selfish. And I don't think he'd date any women with children as (and I know how bad this sounds) they would be evidence she had a dating history before him, and he likes to be the rescuer, swooping in and 'saving' girls from their bad boyfriends, 18-24 being his preferred demographic (he's 26, I'm 24.) So he's unlikely to just get a new 'family', but he probably would self sabotage to end up in poor circumstances for pity.

reasoning was in case DD mentions it so he doesn't assume she's lying

He knows that she won’t lie. That’s just a tactic so you feel obliged to tell him everything.

It also means there’s a chance you’ll modify your behaviour because you won’t want to tell him things. I have a friend who won’t go on dates because she knows her ex will freak. And her ex has no interest in reassuring her, in fact he happily stirs is as it means he keeps his control.

All you have to commit too is sharing relevant information.

You pay for half the fuel costs not all! Don't feel too obligated over fuel money he shouldn't care less about it as long as he sees his child, my ex husband sees his kids twice a week half the time I'm dropping off and collecting them from him as its convenient for him not convenient for me but I do it for my kids

Only half? Oh god I'm such a noob at all of this!!

Oh, well, I'm over being generous now. He just came crying to me that he has seen the error of his ways, that he is turning into a horrible person and he regrets it. All with a bite mark on his throat from some random girl he met in the pub.

Talk about last straw