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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is STBX? (obviously he is)

58 replies

Kismetjayn · 23/02/2019 14:09

We are splitting up. Have written a list each of things we want when no longer living together.

I've tried to put DD first in everything so my list is stuff like, no mudslinging. Pay percentage maintenance to level the lifestyle instead of residency (I don't earn right now so he would be paying me, but I'm on track to potentially outearn him down the line. I don't want her having to go and stay overnight somewhere depressing, but I don't want him Disney-dadding it either, I think this is fairest on her.) Also outlined how Christmas & bdays would work.

When discussing this one of his first questions was how I'd feel if he started seeing someone else Hmm and one of the top things on his list was to tell each other if something 'major' happened in our lives. I suspect this is more control & lack of privacy for me while he sees himself free to swan off with anyone else (because he's such a catch...)
He also wants petrol reimbursed out of any maintenance which seems utterly petty and pathetic to me but he doesn't want me 'taking advantage' and I also have to 'make the effort' for travel as I don't drive and am moving an hour away (we were meant to be moving together.)

AIBU and full of cynical resentment?

OP posts:
Jaspermcsween · 23/02/2019 16:14

Thank you bejam for explaining

Original poster
Kismetjayn · 23/02/2019 22:16

The trouble is I am worried about her being settled and happy. I can control my home environment, our lifestyle, and she is always happy with me. But I can't control what it's like with him.

He's not the most reliable, mature, amicable person or I wouldn't be separating from him. He errs towards the hard done by even when I am doing everything for him and affects a woe is me attitude even to DD3. I thought giving him some kindness in my wishlist of rules (it's not just him always paying, I've guaranteed him contact & holidays, etc) would help DD to be settled and happy, rather than spitefully chasing every penny I'm owed and trying to limit his contact.

I didn't want to just say, oh, you owe me X amount of money a month, and I'm having majority custody. That sounds so cruel.

But if he'd quibble over petrol money and be thinking of who he'll date next before we're even in separate rooms, me trying to be kind is probably worthless.

OP posts:
IvanaPee · 23/02/2019 22:19

Unless you’re worried for your dd’s safety you can’t control what happens during his contact and nor should you.

It’s none of your business if she’s not in danger emotionally or physically, and the sooner you realize that the happier you’ll be.

It’s part and parcel of separating.

slipperywhensparticus · 23/02/2019 22:25

I would be wondering what does he mean by major? I get a new car that's major to me means fuck all to my ex husband

Cherrysoup · 23/02/2019 22:38

Are you going for 50/50 residency?

Cranky17 · 23/02/2019 22:47

The trouble is I am worried about her being settled and happy. I can control my home environment, our lifestyle, and she is always happy with me. But I can't control what it's like with him

I hear what you are saying but honestly you can t control the situation and you can’t get him to toe the line.
I’m 8 months down the line and we Hadid of what we expected of each other which have gone out the window since then.

We commicate better about the children but I don’t even try to tell him how to parent anymore unless I feel it’s dangerous.

He also knows nothing of my life anymore which is a positive thing. Initially for example I would tell him when I baby sitter in but it just got difficult to know when to draw the line.

Cranky17 · 23/02/2019 22:51

. He errs towards the hard done by even when I am doing everything for him and affects a woe is me attitude even to DD3.

Ex was a lot like that, nothing was ever enough got quite right or whet right for him, he was always the loser looking for sympathy.

He still does but I don’t have to listen to it anymore that part of his personality and he won’t change however nice you are to him he will just take

Tennesseewhiskey · 23/02/2019 22:55

Honestly this all sounds batshit crazy.

I would imagine that, since you are living away a judge could say that you would have to do all the travelling.

You also can't state he can have over nights as long as his place isn't depressing but also not amazing.

mummmy2017 · 23/02/2019 22:59

I am not being funny , but I bet if he got given a chance of not paying he would...
The way it works is who even does not have the children for the majority of the time pays towards living expenses.
You will be paying childcare, he won't.
You will be buying 95% of clothing, most of Xmas and birthday gifts, presents for her friends when you take her to parties and any hobbies...
You will more than cover things for your child, when your income increases.

Why should you give him some , the more you offer, the more he will take, will he get a pay rise everyone you do?
Your talking about 15 years here.
No. Just let the NR pay, even if you match it and put it in an account for her...

Original poster
Kismetjayn · 23/02/2019 23:11

Well, I get unreasonable but 'batshit crazy' sounds a bit strong...

I just want things to be nice for DD. He will always have overnights, I've never said he wouldn't. It won't be 50/50 as he has said he doesn't think he could look after her for that long. It will be EOW, and a week on holiday with his family (they do annual family holidays). Plus, shared birthdays, Christmas, and I've said as long as he lets me know in advance if he books leave for her eg in school holidays we can arrange it. I don't think he will but want flexibility in case he changes his mind.

I don't want to tell him how to parent- if she goes a few weekends without brushing her teeth or having nothing but McDonald's it's not the end of the world.

I can't drive and it's a 3 hour journey by train, or 1 hour by car. I used my savings from before we were together to fund his driving lessons & buy his car as it helped with his job. We were supposed to move together for me to go to uni, but part of the reason for us breaking up is down to his sudden refusal to 'let' me study.

OP posts:
janetforpresident · 23/02/2019 23:16

The trouble is I am worried about her being settled and happy. I can control my home environment, our lifestyle, and she is always happy with me. But I can't control what it's like with him.

Sorry but that's you being controlling not him.

Trust me your dd would prefer to be with her dad in a grotty bedsit to never seeing to. And when she is a teenager she can opt out and just meet up with him if his living arrangements are that disgusting to her.

For me you wouldn't have to tell him that you simply have started seeing someone but would have to say if you were going to introduce a new partner or move him in or get married or change address. That's reasonable and what most people would request I think.

He has a right to be remunerated for petrol if he has a drive to collect/drop off. I know someone who had to drive 2.5 hrs there and back eow because his ex had a new partner further south. She refused to meet half way or share the drives. Why should he pay all the travel?

Having said all that I sympathise totally. You just have to let go of some things because you can't control them, he has as many rights wrt dd as you.

Purpleartichoke · 23/02/2019 23:17

If you can’t do travel, it isn’t unreasonable for you to cover 50% of travel costs. Normally, if you are the person moving away you should cover 100%, but this sounds like a special circumstance.

Sharing about major life events is normal. You should get a heads up if he is moving in a girlfriend or your child is about to find out a new sibling is coming.

justilou1 · 23/02/2019 23:47

He will probably lose interest in chasing up his “rights” to see his kids anyway, tbh... particularly once he starts chasing up other things, iyswim. His interest in controlling you will also wane accordingly (until he is dumped - and that sounds a given!) I would try and see a mediator. They are experienced with this. They know what is reasonable. I think the petrol money coming out of maintenance is definitely NOT!

lyralalala · 24/02/2019 03:59

I think a lot of people are misunderstanding your point about his place. You absolutely shouldn’t pay him maintenance when you are earning more if he has your dd every other weekend.

If you wanted to be generous then at that point you could reduce what he pays you. You could if you wanted stop him paying anything, but no way should you commit to paying him anything.

Weenurse · 24/02/2019 04:42

He didn’t want to ‘let’ you study?
You are well rid of him.

Original poster
Kismetjayn · 24/02/2019 09:17

I've had another think based on advice.

When I'm earning more, perhaps instead we could put it all in a bank account for DD for when she's older, if he reduces his maintenance to a lower percentage of earnings and I match that, she'll still have a good couple of grand for uni or whatever.

And yes @weenurse, it does feel that way now. I worked hard and qualified for an Oxbridge uni (hence move). He then told me to stay a SAHM even though we would go into debt because he didn't want me to study any more.

OP posts:
TearingUpMyHeart · 24/02/2019 10:38

Don't think too far ahead. It's just your way of trying to feel in control, I know (and I don't mean - control him!!) But even 6 months down the line you will be thinking differently. This stage is totally normal, I went through it too, but now we have been separated a while and my kids are okay and I am okay, I see things differently.

Could I suggest you are maybe not used to prioritising yourself? Take care of you as well xx

EhlanaOfElenia · 24/02/2019 11:30

Right now everything seems out of control and you're trying to pin everything down. You need to accept that you can't. He loves your DD, and you will have to trust that he will continue to love her and do right by her.

Don't try to think of money in the future. As circumstances change, who pays what in maintenance will change. You really shouldn't try to presort it all out.

For all you know he'll met someone with 4 kids, move in, and then the amount of maintenance he is obligated to pay you plummets. These things are out of your control and the sooner you accept that, the more able you will be to tackle each new obstacle as it comes up.

Oh and tell him that your future relationships or jobs etc are none of his business. Unless they impact majorly on your DD he doesn't get to be told by you. He sure as hell doesn't get to be consulted before any changes, unless they affect his time with DD.

Original poster
Kismetjayn · 24/02/2019 17:36

But then if I'm not looking at the future, I'm just telling him he owes me £180 a month maintenance...

Wouldn't that be even worse? And he'd definitely not be lax on petrol money then. And he'd probably be really petty about everything else.

OP posts:
slipperywhensparticus · 24/02/2019 19:11

How much does Google say it costs for petrol for the journey?

LEDadjacent · 24/02/2019 19:24

Don’t make it so complicated. All this planning ahead for joint savings is silly at this stage. Just ask him for the amount suggested here:

www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance

EhlanaOfElenia · 24/02/2019 20:52

Why would that be worse? What he owes you in maintenance is dependant on his income, and how many days you each have the children. It's a set formula. You're not making things up for the sake of it. It is also based on your CURRENT circumstances. You cannot predict what your circumstances will be in the future.

How he feels about things isn't your responsibility, either. You can't make him 'happy' about it. You can't make him feel 'better'. You've broken up. It will hurt, even if you both want it to happen, it would still be painful. You have to divide up your time with your child. That is painful. You can't make it 'better'. You need to stop trying to 'fix it'. Fixing it time is over.

Weenurse · 25/02/2019 06:24

Congratulations on the place at Uni

Original poster
Kismetjayn · 25/02/2019 10:05

No, true. I only feel it would be worse because he would then see it as me being out to get his money and DD and leave him with nothing, ruining any chance of an amicable split...

He's said in the past if we broke up he wouldn't make it easy for me. And he's not been too bad so far, so I thought if I could be kind he wouldn't make it harder, which would be better for DD...

Thankyou @Weenurse :)

OP posts:
Original poster
Kismetjayn · 25/02/2019 10:09

I used an online calculator and it was £29.54 round trip from his parents house, where he'll be staying, to where we'll be living.

OP posts:
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