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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How often do ex husbands see there child

25 replies

Lindap121 · 22/02/2019 14:25

Me and my husband have been seperated for a year hes been having our LB for tuesday evenings from 6pm as i work my late shift brings him back wednesday morning...then friday from 6pm brings him back sunday at 1pm every week....is this normal...to much.?.im thinking later on when weathers better id want to take him and his brother out on weekends for family time.....i do at the moment only work 2 long days at work so i do have time at the momemt with my 2 boys but will be working more hours when my LB goes to school in a year and a half.....any suggestions???

OP posts:
PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 22/02/2019 14:28

50/50 ?

Queenofthestress · 22/02/2019 14:29

Either do 50/50 so thurs to sun night or every other weekend like most do

Divgirl2 · 22/02/2019 14:29

I would say every weekend is a bit unfair, you'd be missing out on an awful lot once they start school.

dietcokemegafan · 22/02/2019 14:30

most do every other weekend, otherwise the resident parent gets all the school time and the non resident parent gets the fun at weekends.

DustyCropHopper · 22/02/2019 14:36

I don’t think it is ‘too much’, but will in time be an unfair split with you not having any weekend time with him. Maybe go every other weekend and on the weekend he is not having him he has him another evening or 2 in the week?

YouSayPotatoesISayVodka · 22/02/2019 14:40

Depends entirely on different circumstances I think. My children go to their dads every other weekend, no extra time in the holidays and no days during the week. Ex hasn’t asked for more time and I’m not prepared to ask him to take them more for a multitude of reasons.

My friend shared residency of her children 50/50 with their dad but he is a much more involved parent and wanted 50/50. Other children I know see their NRP much less or not at all. Not sure there is a “normal amount”.

Shodan · 22/02/2019 14:46

We're a bit different to the 'norm' -ds2 goes to his Dad every Thursday evening and either stays until Saturday or Sunday (alternating weeks). However now we've started a one weekend a month thing where ds2 comes back on the Saturday morning, so I get more weekend time.

We do this because XH works long hours in London during the week so can't get back to see ds2 midweek.

We split holidays 50/50, although I do have to keep an eye on it as XH will try to 'nab' more of the time sometimes, but as we are amicable it all works out well.

Original poster
Lindap121 · 25/02/2019 20:33

Thankyou for your replys x

OP posts:
Duchessgummybuns · 25/02/2019 20:40

My school age DD goes to her dad’s every weekend, unless I want to take her out somewhere one weekend or he has other plans and can’t do a weekend, we communicate and change around when needed

BG2015 · 25/02/2019 20:42

Different here. I've been divorced for 10 years now and my 2 DS are now 19 and 15.

The 19 year old lives with his dad now (more convenient for work) but the 15 yr old goes for tea every Tuesday and stays over Friday night for 24 hours.

My ex also takes them on holiday a lot. Just be ready to change things as your kids get older.

To be fair my ex husband and I get on really well and have both mellowed over the years. We are very flexible and swap stuff around.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 25/02/2019 20:46

We don't have a set routine, we never have; we tend to just say "oh I'm hoping to take him to x that weekend" and we work it around one another.

When we initially split DS (now 13) was under 6 months old. It was in nobody's interests to do 50/50 and as awful as those early days were, I'm so glad we could be honest that neither of us wanted that. It's worked well not having set days, though, and means that if events or important stuff pops up we can try to ensure DS gets to attend and it's rare he misses out on stuff with either of us.

spanieleyes · 25/02/2019 20:50

My ex sees the children once a year, occasionally twice. When they were younger he would have them for at least a week at a time but had only phone or email contact in between. However, because he lives abroad, this was fine.
The point being that there is no "set amount" that has to be followed. Each case will be different depending on circumstances. What works best is when the parents can agree and be flexible.

zoekickin · 28/02/2019 17:53

Heya :)
We are a VERY blended family, and I don't think there is a normal amount of time! For example...

My two teens are with my ex partner, they live with us, and he sees them every other weekend and half the holidays.

My youngest, who is my ex husband daughter lives with him. She is and always will be a daddies girl, and as much as I miss her living with me, shes happy so i am. I see her five weekends out of eight(because of ex hubby's work commitments) that will be changing soon to every other weekend. I also see her most of the holidays.

My current partners two children live with their mum. We see them every other weekend, and every Wednesday over night.

Fiveredbricks · 28/02/2019 17:58

50/50. Always if you can - if he's a good parent he should want this anyway. No way I'd ever let my kid's Dad get away with being a 'disney dad' if we ever broke up. Not a chance in hell.

BusySnipingOnCallOfDuty · 28/02/2019 18:13

When I had my ex take me to court because I wanted him to actually commit to a regular schedule of contact, the solicitor said that its not advised to give the other parent every single weekend because of varying factors such as the child will eventually get party invites and miss out on those, and that you never get proper down time with them as after school is all homework and clubs and stress usually.

BitchQueen90 · 28/02/2019 18:15

Going against the grain but I actually don't think 50/50 is usually best for children. I think in most cases they need one "base" home and then overnights with the other parent. From what I've learned a lot of children find 50/50 difficult especially if the parents don't live near each other - being shipped from one home to the other all the time, missing out on things when they're at the other house etc.

In our case 50/50 would not have been convenient anyway as my exh's job involves day/evening/night shifts and he works 2 out of 3 weekends. So I am the RP and due to his shifts exh has DS for a long weekend every 6 weeks and then midweek overnights in between.

We are both happy with the arrangement and it makes sense for us.

Fiveredbricks · 01/03/2019 11:38

@BitchQueen90 50/50 doesn't mean they get carted between two homes. It normally means the nrp does the parenting at the rp's house a few weeknights while the rp is out or at the gym or with friends or whatever, and the other evenings the nrp is free to go out and do whatever when the rp is home with the kids. Also every other weekend at the nrps home. That is true 50/50 but it does mean the nrp (if a guy) generally has to fit it around their job just like the rp has to.

outpinked · 01/03/2019 11:43

My ex is a bit of a joke so I don’t think this is typical (or at least I hope not...). He rarely has them for a whole weekend, it is usually either Friday evening until Saturday evening or Saturday evening until Sunday evening so no more than 24 hours really. Some weekends he won’t bother at all, depends on his rota. This weekend he’s just seeing them during the day for a bit on Sunday Hmm.

I saw my Dad every weekend as a child and my friend in school did too.

Doyoumind · 01/03/2019 11:51

Fiveredbricks your definition of 50:50 is not what generally happens at all. Children, on the whole, do move between two homes. I agree that this isn't best, particularly for young children.

A standard solution is EOW and one or two week nights per week.

It's important to put an alternating weekend schedule in place as it gives both families the option to go away for weekends or for children to see other family members or friends and attend events that happen at weekends.

I would get this in place now so it's the standard by the time the child is at school.

Sunshineinwinter · 01/03/2019 11:59

My sc go to their mums every other weekend and half the school holidays.

CandyCreeper · 01/03/2019 12:03

Mine dont see their dad at all because he doesnt want to see them. I dont agree with 50/50 either. It wouldnt work for me and my ex anyway as he lives 2 hours away.

LMW1990 · 01/03/2019 12:07

We're more or less 50/50. DSS are with us Tuesday through to Thursday morning then Friday night to Saturday teatime. This is mainly due to fit in with the shifts we all work and we split the weekend so that each side gets a day. It works for us. We are flexible too so for example if the kids need to stay with their mum Tuesday night, we swap and have them Thursday night instead.

BitchQueen90 · 01/03/2019 12:16

@Fiveredbricks I don't know anyone who does that sort of arrangement. I am on excellent terms with my exh but I personally wouldn't want him spending extended periods of time in my house. Our lives are separate now.

pinkhorse · 01/03/2019 12:21

I do 50:50. This means 2 homes. I've never known anyone doing 50:50 to do it in the same house. It works perfectly for us as exdp is a very good dad and we are good friends so work well together.

Seniorschoolmum · 01/03/2019 12:29

Most Sundays 9-5, 4 or 5 day visit three times a year.
Seems to suit everyone. Ds is 10.

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