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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this is a sign of toxic masculinity or just a nasty person?

66 replies

Fretty · 21/02/2019 07:28

I will try to make this short. Promise!

To set the scene: We are expats in a dominantly English speaking country. My first language is not English, but I learnt English at school, went to uni in the UK and have been working in my field for over twelve years. I am in a Management position and regularly represent the company I work for (events, press, PR, etc.). I have an extended professional network and never had any comments on or issues with communicating. (What I am trying to say is I don't think the below was due to me not being clear.)

I was looking to partner with a particular company for a project. There is plenty of competition for them, not so much for us. It would be a project they couldn't get directly and would be a kind of a sub-contractor for us. They were recommended by an acquaintance, so I got in touch.

The guy cut me off after about 2 minutes with:
"Listen, I don't understand what you are talking about. Frankly, I took none of what you said in. You better think about it, write it down and send it in an e-mail. If I am interested, I will let you know.
[in a "don't call me, I will call you" tone]

I wasn't particularly bothered and asked for his e-mail. He tried to give it to me but got mingled up and was mixing up spelling, didn't remember if it was .co or .com, etc. In the end, he told me:
"Anyway, it's on the website. Look it up. Bye."

I was more surprised by his unprofessional behaviour then upset, but it got me thinking; Is this a sign of toxic masculinity? Being aggressive and dismissive to show that they are the boss? Or is this just plain arrogance and rudeness?

I don't think there is anything I could do about it now [definitelly not sending anything], but what would you have done? Is there any way to react to this kind of behaviour other than ignoring it?

PS: It was a scheduled call.

OP posts:
Vulpine · 21/02/2019 07:32

Sounds like a cock. I wouldn't have anything to do with him or his company.

shinyNewPound · 21/02/2019 07:35

Agree with Vulpine. He was just being a dick. Chalk it up to experience and move on.

cleanhousewastedlife · 21/02/2019 07:35

I'd put that down to a complete lack of professionalism!

TakenForSlanted · 21/02/2019 07:39

Don't work with him! Imagine what a PITA he's going to make himself during a joint project if this is what he acts like before it's even sold! No revenue in the world is worth being degraded and humiliated and dismissed.

He sounds like an arse.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/02/2019 07:39

He's a dick and if you're female possibly a misogynistic dick. If you have even a hint of a non-English accent, I'd put it down to him being a racist misogynistic dick too.

You wouldn't be talking about Australia here, would you? I live here, and although there are plenty of non racist, non misogynistic blokes here, there are still some diehard racist misogynistic dicks around.
I had to deal with one who was a house painter - he talked over me, referred his questions to my husband (who knew nothing about decorating), called me "darlin" and said something about shopping - so I fucked off and left the husband to it and said arsehole didn't get the job.
I also know a few of the racist variety who, if they hear a hint of an Asian accent, instantly claim to be utterly unable to understand a word they say.

But I'm sure other English-speaking countries ALSO have such racist misogynistic wankers as well - sorry you came up against one.

Just take your business elsewhere - you'll not get any respect off this one.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/02/2019 07:42

And in terms of anything you could have done differently, I think I wouldn't have bothered to ask for his email, I would have said "I'm SO sorry to have troubled you, we won't be needing your services/company after all, thanks, goodbye."

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 21/02/2019 07:46

Is he the boss of the company? If not I'd be writing to the boss, and yours to explain why the collaboration didn't take place. If it kicks off he will blame you.
He's a cock btw.

SeeSpotRun · 21/02/2019 07:47

He sounds like a cock to me too.
However, if he has a lot of competitors then perhaps he doesn't have the time or money to partner in projects, he just wants a contract to do a job and get paid. Very much the sub-contractor mindset, no interest in the bigger picture.

longwayoff · 21/02/2019 07:52

perhaps you spoke to the tea boy by mistake? Of course its both toxic masculinity and he's nasty. Both. Don't attempt to work with him.

Troels · 21/02/2019 08:51

Lucky escape there, he sounds like a nightmare to work with.

talktoo · 21/02/2019 10:27

He messed up his email address and he couldn't take in what you said. It could very possibly be that he has an auditory processing weakness. Some people (esp toxic males!!!' Will respond with anger and blame as the processing problem exhausts and frustrates them. He may not even know that he has the problem and just thinks everyone babbles incoherently and too fast. I knew a man I. Quite a devious role at an investment bank. He was very rude and aggressive and demanded that people kept their reports very short. He would throw long ones back at people screaming that he didn't have time for all the nonsense. Then he mentioned struggling with his dyslexic son and it all became clear. People either don't want to discuss their conditions or don't know they have them.

talktoo · 21/02/2019 10:28

Oh my. Typos. . 'Quite a devious' should read 'in quite a senior role'!

NewGrandad · 21/02/2019 10:32

Or is this just plain arrogance and rudeness?

Got it in one. Lucky escape.

MyAuntyBadger · 21/02/2019 10:33

Right up until your 'P.s. It was a scheduled call' I thought he treated you as if you were selling something he didn't want or cold calling. But he is either a bit simple in that he struggles to understand things, or he's an arrogant wanker. Either way I wouldn't want to partner up with him.

talktoo · 21/02/2019 10:35

MyAuntieBadger having an auditory processing weakness is no more 'being simple' than dyslexia is. I'm not suggesting this bloke isn't a twat but please don't perpetuate the notion that learning difficulties/differences equal stupidity.

Bloomini · 21/02/2019 10:39

Agree with Vulpine what a cock!

Lucky escape there OP, what an arsehole and I wouldn't waste another moment on worrying about whether it was toxic masculinity. He is a tool. I'd be tempted to report him to the manager of that company but why bother.

PBo83 · 21/02/2019 10:44

Just sounds like an unprofessional twat to be honest. I encounter people like that (men and women) in my work (marketing) all the time, it's got nothing to do with "Toxic Masculinity" (overused phrase alert) and everything to do with arrogance.

OftenHangry · 21/02/2019 10:48

I bet you he deals with other man in a same way.
Dick. Simple.

If I were you, I would go and find that email and send him something along the lines of
"Thank you for your time the other day. We chose a different company based on a professional behaviour of their representatives.
Best luck in a future.
Kind regards
Xxxxxxx"

Sewrainbow · 21/02/2019 10:49

He sounds an absolute idiot, rude, unprofessional and obnoxious. I wouldn't have anything to do with his company they'd be a nightmare to work with.

Sewrainbow · 21/02/2019 10:50

In fact oftenhangrys email is perfect Smile

IvanaPee · 21/02/2019 10:53

Rude, obnoxious prick.

I would send an email saying “After our call it’s clear that this isn’t an area you’re skilled and knowledgeable enough in to suit the project’s needs. Since we need to get moving quite quickly, and you’re obviously working under time constraints given the briefness of our scheduled call, it would take far too long to explain the nuances to you so we won’t move forward on it at this time.”

But I’m a bit of a PA cow.

RiverTam · 21/02/2019 10:56

hahahaha, Ivana, that's perfect.

He was an obnoxious prick and it could be probably is because he's a misogynist but who knows.

Atthebottomofthegarden · 21/02/2019 11:04

He obviously gets a lot of sales calls and thinks you’re one of them. We get dozens at work, we all try to be nice but sometimes it’s a struggle!

Original poster
Fretty · 21/02/2019 11:06

No, definitely no business from me.

As for reporting him, he is #2 in the company and top of the division.
TBH, I don't have time or energy to waste on him. It just made me think if there is an appropriate way to "call out" someone like this.

I have two young-ish DCs, and we talk a lot about respect and self-esteem (theirs and others). I know it's not like #metoo, but I don't want to stay silent next time. Hope that makes sense?

OP posts:
IvanaPee · 21/02/2019 11:26

Do you think he’ll follow up with you at all if you don’t email him the info?

Because if he does, I wouldn’t hesitate to tell him you found his attitude off-putting!