To share what my Smear nurse said?

[LellowYedbetter]

On Friday I went for my smear ... after two weeks of dreading it. The embarrassment, the awkwardness, what if I smell? What if the nurse thinks I look weird down there? What if .. what if ... what if ...

Well I got there and sat down. The nurse made small talk about unrelated stuff and then sighed and said “I’ve got 12 smears today, all one after another! I’m going to be smeared out by the time I leave work!”

Ok so apart from the “smeared out” comment making me laugh like a giggling school kid I IMMEDIATELY relaxed. This procedure that is a nightmare for the patient is just one of many jobs on that nurses list. There are at least 11 other women having their smear today with this one nurse. As if this nurse is going to remember the smelly fanny of patient number 3, or the hairy legs of patient number 1, or the fat belly of patient number 8 ... it made me realise that although the procedure is a massive deal for the patient, to the nurse it’s just another 20 minute appointment. It helped me. And I’m posting this hoping it might help others?

My last smear the nurse told me that I have a "beautiful cervix" I felt unjustifiably proud, although I guess I did grow it myself

I'm not sure what to make of the comment my last nurse said to me. 'Oh, you're very small down there'. WTF does that mean?
I had another nurse years ago tell me that she couldn't find my cervix. Yeah, go ahead lady, root around down there while I stare at the ceiling tiles.
I had a placental abruption when pregnant, but cervix didn't dilate.
I think my cervix is a bit 'special'. And small, apparently!

Smear-trix.

Baby girl conceived in the rush of relief after a smear test and chocolate celebration.

Also I recall one asking me have you ever given birth? (C-section).
Can they tell by your cervix whether you have or not?

I'm glad, Jellycat

I always tell my patient that although I've seen eleventy million sets of genitals that they only have one and I'll treat it like I'd like someone to treat mine. I hope that helps, if it sounds like bollocks, please tell me.

A cervix that has dilated looks a bit different to one that hasn't - bodies are very cool :)

Also, fannies aren't smelly.
Sometimes an infection will make it smell a bit different but unless its properly galloping BV it doesn't smell of anything really.

I think that helps hugely - if you’re feeling anxious, having someone who really understands that a routine part of their job can be a very big deal to the patient makes a big difference. For me it says it’s ok then if I’m not coping well with the procedure, because you understand that it’s “my” genitals and my experience may be different to the ten other people you’re due to see that day.

IDontlikeZombies
Thanks. I suspect she knew from my file that I had a dc but maybe my rather special cervix lied.
That or she couldn't figure out what this special cervix was telling her.
If you can be annoyed at a part of your body, I'm annoyed at my cervix. You had one job Cervix!!!

My last smear the nurse sais "oh I wish they were all as easy as yours"
I replied "you're basically saying in I've got a baggy fanny"
Neather of us could stop laughing for ages 😂

I have just read back and am lmao at 'You have an unremarkable cervix'. If someone said that, I'd be inclined to try to train my cervix to excel at its next smear test! I'll show you how unremarkable my cervix is lady!!!!

Plum the last but one smear I had (I'd have been around 52 at the time) was not especially painful but the comments of the nurse performing it were not brilliant (not appalling, but not brilliant).

It went along the lines of her (having only slightly wetted the speculum) kinda trying to just push it in as opposed to placing it in position at the entrance to the vagina, starting to push v slightly, then giving a moment to allow it to go in before pushing) nope, just flat out tried to push it straight in. Not painful but just - stupid really - that's not conducive to it (literally) going smoothly is it!! Then she made some sideways kind of comment along the lines of "hmm, how old are you, do you suffer from vaginal dryness?". Well, when a woman who won't make eye contact, looks pissed off and is trying to shove a speculum up my crack, I must confess that I don't get all wet at the thought of it, no. !!!

Then she couldn't 'find' my cervix (I assure I do have one and had brought it with me) - she commented on it with a certain amount of disdain as though I'd hidden it on purpose and just seemed generally pissed off.

Interesting though how I've had different experiences over the years. I think there has been a marked difference (for me) from the metal speculum days to today's plastic (I always hated the sound that the metal ones made, urgh). And when I was younger they seemed to use something like a smaller version of a loo brush and it wasn't uncommon that I'd bleed as soon as they'd done it - I don't seem to have that problem any more however in between times did have some pre-cancer cells lasered off. Somehow it doesn't feel as painful scraping the actual cells off in recent years than it used to. Odd how it changes so much.

Never given one sht about my vag being looked at by a medical professional.*

Congratulations. Would you like a little badge?

You’re seriously lacking in imagination if you can’t understand why other women might struggle.

Another time, I was having unusual bleeding so my GP had a look up there and said 'your cervix looks healthy'. For some reason I had thought they were going in blind. I hadn't realised that they could actually see it!

Yep agree. I was literally in the room for 2/3 mins on my last one. Easy as rolling off a log

Lucky you

@hamstersaremyfriends, with your lack of imagination, lack of empathy and compassion I suspect hamsters may be your only friends for some time to come.

For those not wanting to go due to previous trauma which gives you flashbacks can I suggest EMDR therapy.

EMDR made me much worse, sadly, more traditional therapy has helped enormously and I do really well most of the time but specific triggers are hard.

Here is the U.S. they are called pap smears and a gynecologist does them, not a nurse. I think it's because they do more than just a smear, they do a full pelvic exam. Bounce the ovaries about and palpate your uterus, that sort of carry on. You make your own appointments with the gyno, no referral needed. I always had a gyno when I was younger. You see them about all your reproduction and plumbing issues.

I can't imagine showing my bits to my old GP, he'd be horrified as well if I told him I had an issue with my whatsit. He'd blush bright crimson quickly run out to his receptionist and tell her to get her an appointment with a gynecologist.

He loved to sent me off to different specialists. Maybe he was trying to get rid of me. He's retired now - well least that's what he told me.

I'm amazed in 2019 that there is not an easier way of screening for cervical cancer that does not involve such an invasive procedure.

punx there will be a urine test for HPV soon. That will almost certainly replace the smear test.

I believe the annual gynae visit in the US is just a money making con. Women don’t need their reproductive organs under yearly surveillance.

They found a 2nd cervix with mine last year!

I guess the hpv vaccine will make a big difference to the next generation of women too.

Ha can I just add to the smear nurse love?

I asked my last one if I looked a little bit prolapsey - she had a look, got me to cough, then said ‘Well you’re not going to be firing ping pong balls too far luv, but I’ve seen alot worse’