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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not let my father walk me down the aisle

61 replies

GingerSwan · 20/02/2019 12:33

My DF didn’t come to my DD’s christening due to a my DM being there. They’ve been separated for over 30 years and she didn’t care at all. This was only in the last year or so.

I thought it to be extremely petty and although I didn’t kick off or say anything unpleasant I was disgusted. I simply said “it’s your choice but it’s a shame for DD as it’s about her”. Not only him but the entire side of his family including DGran, Aunties, Uncles, Cousins etc didn’t turn up.

I’m now planning my wedding and arranging the guests. At first I thought I wouldn’t invite any of them to come at all. Then I decided to invite them but have DF as a guest and not have him walk me down the aisle. My DS can do that instead.

DP agrees with me but I think DF is going to hit the roof. I’m his only DD and his only opportunity to ever do this. I thought inviting none of them would be equally as petty as them not attending the christening so trying to be the bigger person by sending them invites.

Aibu about my DF? To be honest I can’t garuntee any of them will turn up anyway as my DM and her family is also invited.

OP posts:
MaiaRindell · 20/02/2019 12:36

Will your DF and his side of the family want to come? If they do, it's not a right to walk your daughter down the aisle. You do what makes you happy, OP. It's your wedding.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 20/02/2019 12:38

Your wedding = your choice!

He sounds like a pretty shit father if he's petty enough to miss his grandchild's christening. Don't bother inviting the rest of them; why would you bother?

Sexnotgender · 20/02/2019 12:40

Stick to what you want. It’s your day and don’t be bullied into having him walk you down the aisle.

I know a couple who walked down the aisle together. I really love that idea, they walked in as equals.

Jackshouse · 20/02/2019 12:42

Not unreasonable at all. Make sure you set a date to RSPV by on your invitations.

FizzyGreenWater · 20/02/2019 12:46

No of course you don't ask him.

Who the fuck is he, anyway? He's happy to show in public that he cares more about his pride and what HE wants to do than your feelings or those of your daughter.

That's not a dad.

Can't believe you're even considering it, especially as you even say yourself that it would be about HIM - HIS only chance to experience something. Says it all really doesn't it! You don't say 'He'd be so sad not to be able to share it with me' or something like that, you expect him to kick off at being denied an experience, or embarrassed.

Let him kick off and just say 'You and your family have shown that you're happy to hurt me when it suits, you've no loyalty to me, why on earth do you think I'd want you to walk me down the aisle? You'd probably cancel on me at the last minute because Mum is there.'

KC225 · 20/02/2019 12:49

Your wedding, your choice. Seriously, he doesn't get to play at being a Father when it suits him. You don't get to shun one event and kick off about another especially when it is not about you.

Did the rest of his family not attend because he didn't want them to? After 30 years, that must have been one acrimonious break up.

You have a big heart OP to include him after the christening. If he doesn't attend, he doesn't deserve you or your baby.

Disfordarkchocolate · 20/02/2019 12:53

Unless your mother did something as serious as assault or abuse I can't understand why he couldn't attend the christening. Based on his actions I don't think he's going to attend your wedding if your Mum does so it may not even be an issue. At my second wedding, I walked with my husband and it was perfect.

askingalways · 20/02/2019 12:55

My dad didnt walk me down the aisle - I am not close to him and I hate the idea of being 'given away'. I am no ones property.

My daughter walked with me down the aisle and it was magical.

My dad didn't like it but I just replied with the facts and explained that it's my wedding and my choice.

No one else mentioned it and just said how happy we looked and how perfect it was for my DD to walk with me.

palmtree80 · 20/02/2019 12:56

Why don't you just walk yourself down the aisle? You're not anyone's 'belonging' to give away.

FizzyGreenWater · 20/02/2019 12:58

Or you turn it right round if he kicks off.

'Walk me down the aisle? Hang on, I thought you had made it quite clear that given your feelings towards Mum and one side of the family, you wished to be able to dip in and out of family occasions as it suits you, rather than seeing yourself as my father and therefore duty bound to support me even if that puts you in a difficult situation? You established that at the christening, right? You felt absolutely no duty to be there for me or DD. I've accepted that as your choice, it was very hard but I've respected your decision and no hard feelings, hence inviting not only you but all your side of the family to the wedding even though they snubbed me too. I think it's a little late to say you quite fancy the dad role that involves being at the centre of things, sorry.'

IncrediblySadToo · 20/02/2019 13:01

I wouldn’t even invite them. Any of them. They couldn’t put their feelings about your mum to one side for DD/you then they wouldn’t get to either leave me on edge not knowing if they’ll turn up or not or show boating at my wedding. No bloody way.

I’ve no idea why you still speak to any of them.

Belenus · 20/02/2019 13:02

I hate the idea of being 'given away'. I am no ones property.

For me, this would be the main reason for not wanting my father to walk me down the aisle. I'm not his to give away. I'm his only DD so it would be his only chance, but I don't GAF because as far as I'm concerned it's an outmoded tradition that should die a death.

Your reasons are different but if you don't want him to do it, don't ask him to. It's not about him. You don't have to please him.

Motherofcreek · 20/02/2019 13:03

I didn't have my father walk me down the isle either as he'd seriously let me down through out my life.

When I told him he wouldn't be walking me down the isle he was shell shocked and upset but It just wouldn't have felt right for me because I was still incredibly hurt by him.

Just because he is your father doesn't give him an automatic right, he doesn't get to cherry pick what he participates in.

Tbh I would invite the rest of your family who didn't turn up either - however I've hit 40 this year and cut a lot of dead wood from my life!

thecatsthecats · 20/02/2019 13:04

What's SOOOOOOO great about being the bigger person? How does it benefit you? You get to keep these people in your life? What sort of a prize is that?

I exercise judgement, I keep my standards and my boundaries. I'm probably not the bigger person all that often, but fuck me, my life is filled with fantastic people and anyone who treats me like shit doesn't get to see me, mess with my life or my head.

Start treating them as they're treating you: being in your life and your special occasions is a privilege which you can withdraw. They'll either behave or fuck off, either is better.

ChrisPrattsFace · 20/02/2019 13:04

My dog walk me down the aisle. (Yes I’m one of those people)
My dad was not happy when I told him it wouldn’t be him, I said I didn’t care and it was my wedding day and my choice. He didn’t turn up until the evening do.
Your wedding, your choice.
(And my dog looked amazing)

woolduvet · 20/02/2019 13:07

Yes to the post saying unless your mum was abusive etc he had no reason not to come.
And I'd extend that to not even inviting him or his family.
How rude were they in not coming to your daughters christening.

homegrownmumma · 20/02/2019 13:10

I didn't have my dad walk me down the aisle simply because I don't believe I am something to 'give away' , no one mentioned it , it's your wedding so do what you want

PBo83 · 20/02/2019 13:10

It's completely upto you who you have walk you down the aisle (if anyone), I've seen brother's do it and I've seen brides walk in by themselves.

A lot of fathers will want to fill this role in a wedding though and it's not unreasonable if they are disappointed when not chosen. In your case you have good grounds to say why though and are perfectly entitled to make that choice.

5foot5 · 20/02/2019 13:11

Better still have your DM walk you down the aisle!

Alaimo · 20/02/2019 13:13

My dad didn't walk me down the isle. Nothing to do with my dad, I just don't like the symbolism of 'being given away'. Instead, husband-to-be and I entered the venue together. I'm an only child, but don't think my dad minded too much, but even if you think your does, you don't owe him this. If he wants to play a major role in family events, he should have put effort in maintaining a normal relation with you (such as by attending your DD's christening).

Amoregentlemanlikemanner · 20/02/2019 13:14

"My dog walk me down the aisle. (Yes I’m one of those people) "

ROFL!

whiteroseredrose · 20/02/2019 13:18

Unless there's a back story eg your mum ran off with his best mate who is now her DH then YANBU. Even then he should have come to the Christening and just avoided your DM.

IDoN0tCare · 20/02/2019 13:19

My dog walk me down the aisle 🤣

Let’s be honest, you’re dog is less likely to piss on your happiness. 😁

IDoN0tCare · 20/02/2019 13:21

Your 😳

Belenus · 20/02/2019 13:25

My dog walk me down the aisle. (Yes I’m one of those people)

We should give thanks for the fact that it's not very practical to fit horses in churches or registry offices, otherwise I think you'd find there are quite a lot of people like you.

Although, given an outdoor venue...