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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let my father walk me down the aisle

61 replies

GingerSwan · 20/02/2019 12:33

My DF didn’t come to my DD’s christening due to a my DM being there. They’ve been separated for over 30 years and she didn’t care at all. This was only in the last year or so.

I thought it to be extremely petty and although I didn’t kick off or say anything unpleasant I was disgusted. I simply said “it’s your choice but it’s a shame for DD as it’s about her”. Not only him but the entire side of his family including DGran, Aunties, Uncles, Cousins etc didn’t turn up.

I’m now planning my wedding and arranging the guests. At first I thought I wouldn’t invite any of them to come at all. Then I decided to invite them but have DF as a guest and not have him walk me down the aisle. My DS can do that instead.

DP agrees with me but I think DF is going to hit the roof. I’m his only DD and his only opportunity to ever do this. I thought inviting none of them would be equally as petty as them not attending the christening so trying to be the bigger person by sending them invites.

Aibu about my DF? To be honest I can’t garuntee any of them will turn up anyway as my DM and her family is also invited.

OP posts:
pallisers · 20/02/2019 13:26

He actually thought your mother should be excluded from her granddaughter's christening to suit his mood?? Is he on glue.

What makes you think he will go to the wedding? Presumably he will have the same issue with the outrageous idea that your other parent being there? I'd not bother inviting them. Mention the wedding and say "of course I won't bother inviting you and gran and uncles and aunt as I know you'll refuse like you did with the christening because of course I'll be inviting mum"

HollowTalk · 20/02/2019 13:30

Why would he come to your wedding but not your child's christening if he hates your mum that much?

BTW did your mum divorce him or vice versa?

HeyNannyNanny · 20/02/2019 13:30

I'm not inviting my father to my wedding.

And Im fairly certain I'll have my dog walk me down the aisle Grin

So YANBU

HeyNannyNanny · 20/02/2019 13:33

Cross Post.

High five with @ChrisPrattsFace 🙌

Melroses · 20/02/2019 13:34

Walk down the aisle with your DP.

Start as you mean to go on - together.

No need to be 'walked' down the aisle or 'given away'

You are your own person.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 20/02/2019 13:37

I'll go with yes you should invite him/them and absolutely no to having him walk you down the aisle - why should he get top guest billing at your wedding when he cba to put his pettiness aside for your DD's christening?
Fuck that.

I like the idea of asking your DS to do it - although I'd be tempted to ask Mum instead, that would certainly knock DF's nose right out of joint if he actually showed up!

PopGoesTheWeaz · 20/02/2019 13:39

I agree with all of the above about It's your wedding, your choice etc with the stipulation that he isn't paying. If he is contributing a significant amount that changes the whole dynamic.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 20/02/2019 13:39

You've already invited all of his side of the family to DD's christening and they boycotted the event. What would make them change their attitude to your wedding. Its your choice who walks you down the isle, no one else's. It's an honour not a right. If DF hits the roof. That is his problem. He will probably boycott again and it sounds like you will all have a much nicer time without him
On the bright side, no one has said anything yet.
If you are inviting DF and DF's side because of your DH or his family's expectations, not knowing them as well as you, he may not fully understand why you are worried about this, you should have a really good talk and make it clear because once the invites are out it's hard to retract them and it would be a shame if unreasonable people spoil the run up to your wedding or make you anxious about how the day will work.
I ended up having to organise and pay for six bridesmaids, instead of two little ones I'd envisaged, because DH thought it would be "sweet" invite two from his side who were not even expecting to be asked. He didn't really know my family at that stage, assumed people would be reasonable and just didn't understand or comprehend that it would cause problems, plus I felt it was over the top and a bit embarrasing to have 6! Some members of my family were really unkind to me about it and I wish I'd been a lot clearer up front before the "extras" were asked.

MotherOfTheNoise · 20/02/2019 13:39

My children walked me down the aisle, they were 4 and 5 at the time so it was a touch of squeeze but everyone thought it was really sweet. My dad was just a guest.

NannyRed · 20/02/2019 13:43

It’s your wedding, you get to choose who walks you down the aisle.

I think asking your sister is a lovely thing to do, I also think your dad doesn’t get to pick and chose which events in your life he wants to be part of, he made his decision when he snubbed your dd christening.

My dad didn’t even reply to my wedding invitation and would rather miss out on walking his only daughter down the aisle than talk to me. Families are a bloody nightmare!

thecatsthecats · 20/02/2019 13:52

Pop - if money is something that can buy control, then maybe it is also something that can buy forgiveness? In this case, for his previous failure to support OP, and his rather nasty corollary of his side of the family?

In which case, any financial contribution sets his 'credit' back to zero, and OP can still choose as she pleases.

(disclaimer, obviously I think the above is an awful way to see things - I just think it's the logical extension of 'money buys him the privilege' argument)

ShartGoblin · 20/02/2019 13:53

Him an his entire family refused to come because of your mother? That is extreme and really leads me to think your mother did something truly awful. There must be more to this as this level of reaction from this many people is very odd. If there really isn't more to it then life will probably be easier without them.

monicastwinsister · 20/02/2019 13:59

i walked myself. i`m no ones property and at the age of 30 i was a big girl!

Piapiapianopianopiano · 20/02/2019 14:00

I walked myself as I'd recently gone NC with my father for a lifetime of being neglectful and emotionally abusive. Best choice by far. He sent me a text, asking to come in, give me away and leave.
I totally ignored him and haven't seen him in 5 years now. Nobody commented or asked, I'd have told them if they did because it's totally my decision.
Do what you want to!

Original poster
GingerSwan · 20/02/2019 14:50

It feels so good to see that im not BU, to answer a few questions he left DM for another woman and married her. DM has never remarried and kept his name (although i think that was a done thing as she wanted to match her DCs). It wasn't a nice break up but nothing worth all this drama 30 years later, especially considering DM said she wouldn't begrudge them being there.

After reading your replies i am even more tempted not to invite any of them and say "as you didn't come to the christening i was aware you wouldn't want to attend the wedding".

The biggest shocker for me was that me and DF have a decent relationship and him not attending the christening was such a shock to me. I knew he and DM didn't talk but they live miles away from each other so why would they. It really is just a "i wont be in the same room as my ex" scenario.

But i think as walking me down the aisle would be "for him" he would turn up, which makes me think my DD isn't important to him so he doesn't deserve it

Love all these stories of people walking down with their DP as equals, that's beautiful!

OP posts:
Nesssie · 20/02/2019 14:53

It’s your wedding, you choose. Your son would be a lovely choice.
I don't think of it as being 'given away', I thought of it as my dad supporting me on my big day. And I definitely needed to hold his hand as I was so nervous!

Original poster
GingerSwan · 20/02/2019 14:55

Also he isn't contributing financially in any way and hasn't done so when i've been struggling in life (when i was a single mother on benefits) even though he's on a very high salary and has lots of fancy cars/hot tub/big house/lots of holidays etc.

Now i look back he just does the bare minimum so that he isnt completely out of the picture or what he was court ordered to do

OP posts:
pinknsparkly · 20/02/2019 15:01

We actually eloped and didn't have any family at the wedding but I wouldn't have had my dad walk me down the aisle if we'd had a "normal" wedding (and I don't have any kids who could have walked me down instead, I would have walked down alone or with my husband-to-be).

My best friend was walked down the aisle by her daughter, and her dad attended as a guest. In her eyes, if anyone was "giving her away" or "sharing" her with her new husband then it was her daughter not her father. If you are keen to avoid any family drama as far as possible then you could use this as an explanation (though you are 100% entitled to simply say "I don't want you to!" to your dad).

PlinkPlink · 20/02/2019 15:15

My DF has been a bit of a disappointment tbh. He's not big on emotion. He and my mum separated long ago... 23 years ago. Things are still a little awkward between them. They get on okay and make idle chit chat when they do see each other.

He missed my graduation because there were only 3 tickets which would have meant him sitting with my mum and stepdad. Pretty awkward I'm sure but I would have liked him to put it aside for once and see me graduate. I never usually ask him to do something like that.

He rarely speaks to me. Christmas and birthdays is all. We don't fall out but he's pretty absent.

When I was planning my wedding, I couldn't make the choice between my SF and DF so I chose to have no-one walk me down the aisle.
I didn't get married in the end so it didn't matter 😂

But I found myself wanting to spare his feelings if my SF walked me down the aisle. And I wanted to spare my SF feelings because he's been more of a father to me than DF.

cometinmoominvalley · 20/02/2019 15:21

Do you really want to invite his side of the family to your wedding if they deliberately missed your Dad's christening for such a petty reason? Even if they want to come I can't imagine wanting to share my special day with people like that, not to mention it will drive up your wedding costs.
YANBU not to ask him to walk you down the isle; just say it's archaic and you're an independent modern woman with a child etc so it doesn't feel right. No need to give the real reason.

Gina2012 · 20/02/2019 15:24

I’m his only DD and his only opportunity to ever do this

It was his only opportunity to be at your DDs baptism but that didn't seem to bother him

mogtheexcellent · 20/02/2019 15:47

You are his child and he hasn't really bothered with you by the sounds of it. Doing the bare minimum does not give him the right to walk you down the aisle.

Sadly I realised that after my dick of a father had walked me down the aisle. Don't make my mistake!

JingsMahBucket · 20/02/2019 15:54

@Sexnotgender

I know a couple who walked down the aisle together. I really love that idea, they walked in as equals.

That’s a great idea and thank you for sharing it. I’m going to ask my OH if he wants to do the same for our wedding.

pallisers · 20/02/2019 16:05

I still can't get over that 30 years after marriage breakdown he thought you shouldn't invite your own mum to her granddaughter's christening because he demanded it. he sounds deranged on his own ego.

Drum2018 · 20/02/2019 16:11

I'd still invite him but let him know that it won't be the traditional way of him walking you down the aisle. He was very petty about the christening. As for the other relatives, in fairness why would you even invite aunts, cousins etc? Have never seen extended family like that at a christening. Anyway, may as well invite them and let them be the petty ones again if they decline.