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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like im being backed into a corner by ex dh

54 replies

Chickaletta16 · 20/02/2019 10:53

Ok here goes...

I was married to dh for 10 years.. we had 4 children and he was having affairs and dud not.appreciate a thing I did during this time. Fast fwd 3 years i am much slimmer? Happily single and having fun.

Ex dh is now grovelling and gas noticeably changed. He want a to get back and be a father to his kids and a husband to me again. Thing is..I appreciate that he is a different man now..he has no home..a rubbish.minimum wage job..and no partner..but even though I feel sorry for him...aibu in that I am loving my life right now and don't particularly want him back. It would make the kids really happy but not me. Saying that I haven't met anybody I could settle down with in these 3 years..should I give.him another chance or no...

OP posts:
CryptoFascist · 20/02/2019 10:54

Definitely not.
He won't have changed that much, he's just hankering for his easy life with you.

Onacleardayyoucansee · 20/02/2019 10:59

Do whats right for you.
Ultimately would hurt the children if he came back and you had to go through another split.

Enjoy your happily single life, not being cheated on.

Well done!

7yo7yo · 20/02/2019 10:59

NO NO NO NO NO

userschmoozer · 20/02/2019 11:00

No! He is doing this for his benefit, not you or your kids.

glitterbiscuits · 20/02/2019 11:01

No.

Nquartz · 20/02/2019 11:02

It really doesn't sound like it would be what you want or best for you to get back together.

Could you realistically ever trust him?

I don't generally subscribe to putting your happiness over your child's/happy mum happy kids stuff but in this instance you definitely should prioritise yourself.

Just because you haven't met anyone in 3 years doesn't mean you won't, it must take a long time to get over a 10 year marriage.

PinkHeart5914 · 20/02/2019 11:02

Thing is he can be a good dad if he wants to be regardless of if you are together of not, so the only question here is do you want him? And you say it wouldn’t make you happy so No is the answer

Never go back.....

IDoN0tCare · 20/02/2019 11:03

Oh please! He hasn’t changed one bit. He’s just going through the ‘poor me, I’ve changed’ act, because the shit hit the fan and he’s not enjoying the single life.

He’s made his bed. Let him lie in it. After all he wasn’t worried about you when he was lieing in another woman’s bed.

PtahNeith · 20/02/2019 11:03

Feeling sorry for someone who treated you like crap for a decade is not a good reason to get involved with them again. It's not a good reason to get involved with anyone.

Especially when you love your life as it is and don't want to get involved with them!

In what way do you feel "backed into a corner"? (Which also is hardly an indicator of a healthy relationship or a healthy reason to get into one.)

Sounds like this guy:
m.youtube.com/watch?v=d5NHBn5p9vY

If you were together for ten years, he already had roughly 3652 "second chances". Why on earth would you want to give him another one when your life is good? Is your self esteem that low?

MRex · 20/02/2019 11:09

No, he had enough opportunities to be a husband when you were with him. Find someone new who won't cheat on you when things get difficult.

outpinked · 20/02/2019 11:12

You’d be surprised how often this actually happens. He has basically discovered that the grass ain’t greener and is attempting to crawl his sorry ass back to the other side.

Continue being strong, you have done so well to move forward with your life and it makes absolutely no sense to go so far back. He’s a slimy cheating bastard.

TheSandgroper · 20/02/2019 11:15

This is all I could come up with www.columbia.edu/~sss31/rainbow/wife.html

AuntMarch · 20/02/2019 11:18

Are you actually serious?
In three years he's got himself no home (back at parents?) And isn't earning above minimum wage. He wants to come back because it will be easier for him.

You probably appeal to him again because you are happy. Happy people have an attractive glow about them. How long do you really think that'll last.

Original poster
Chickaletta16 · 20/02/2019 11:20

Thank you all. You are all saying what I knew already - he's just so insistent and I keep thinking maybe the kids would be happier if he was here. But..I do love my single life too much x

OP posts:
woollyheart · 20/02/2019 11:21

It still sounds like he is mainly out for what he can get from you rather than what you and children will get from him.

Your children have a home and you to care for them. Until he is capable of being at least responsible for looking after himself (home, living wage etc) how does that think he could improve your life and your childrens' lives? Truth is only he will benefit. Once he feels comfortable again, he will start having affairs again. He will be very happy - you won't.

IDoN0tCare · 20/02/2019 11:22

Just be careful OP. You know the wanker will start trying to manipulate the children. As a pp has said, there’s nothing to stop him from being a good father and if he can’t see that, then it says a lot about him.

Oliversmumsarmy · 20/02/2019 11:23

Turn this around. If he was doing great and you weren’t do you think he would even consider getting back with you.

YouTheCat · 20/02/2019 11:24

Concentrate on you and your kids. He won't have changed. He just wants an easy life.

Karigan195 · 20/02/2019 11:24

Nope. Affairs, no home, and dead end job.... you’re much better off out of that!

Quartz2208 · 20/02/2019 11:24

He hasnt Changed his circumstances have and he now wants to come back because unsurprisingly he is unhappier

You however are happy - your kids need a happy mum and to see what happens if you make poor choices

Put yourself first here and tell him no

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 20/02/2019 11:25

NO NO NO a thousand times NO!

he has no home..a rubbish.minimum wage job

Whereas you are single and happy and flourishing and he thinks life will be easier with you.

You don't need to give him a reason so say no. You don't owe him an explanation. He's just not good enough for you.

Stick to your single (happy) life!

Skittlesandbeer · 20/02/2019 11:27

Life’s too short to make the same mistake twice. At least make new ones, hey? Smile

VanillaSauce · 20/02/2019 11:27

There's a reason ex's are ex's. Leave them in the past.

NewFoneWhoDis · 20/02/2019 11:32

YANBU.

You say you are happy now. Don't forget the journey it took for you to get to that point. His life is what he made of it. Yours is what you made of yours. Just because he made terrible choices in the past it does not mean that you should make a terrible choice for you in order to mitigate the effect his choices had on his life.

He can still be a brilliant dad to his kids without sharing your bed.

ThreeAnkleBiters · 20/02/2019 11:34

Do not get back together with this man. He was a selfish dick then and I bet he's still a selfish dick now. He hasn't become selfless he just knows it's to his advantage to be with you and is doing what he can to make that happen.

It's not like in the past he didn't realise he was being a dick, he just thought he could get away with it.