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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel like im being backed into a corner by ex dh

54 replies

Chickaletta16 · 20/02/2019 10:53

Ok here goes...

I was married to dh for 10 years.. we had 4 children and he was having affairs and dud not.appreciate a thing I did during this time. Fast fwd 3 years i am much slimmer? Happily single and having fun.

Ex dh is now grovelling and gas noticeably changed. He want a to get back and be a father to his kids and a husband to me again. Thing is..I appreciate that he is a different man now..he has no home..a rubbish.minimum wage job..and no partner..but even though I feel sorry for him...aibu in that I am loving my life right now and don't particularly want him back. It would make the kids really happy but not me. Saying that I haven't met anybody I could settle down with in these 3 years..should I give.him another chance or no...

OP posts:

AuntieOxident · 20/02/2019 11:40

Sorry OP but what makes you think he won’t cheat on you again, once the novelty of getting back together has worn off?
Seeing as he was a serial shagger before. Once a cheater....
.

ChuckleBuckles · 20/02/2019 11:40

He is an ex for very good reasons OP, so keep him an Ex.

Do not allow yourself to be manipulated into accepting him back for the "good" of the kids, it will do them no good to see anyone harm their mum, and what he did was harmful. By cheating he exposed you to disease, emotional distress and uncertainty. He did all that to the mother of his children.

He is crawling back now when you are thriving and happy as he has realised the one truth that comes to all cheaters eventually, the grass on the other side was greener because it is well fertilized with bullshit.

madcatladyforever · 20/02/2019 11:45

Yes I get you, I often think of having my ex back. Life was so much easier then and we have two decades of history together. All of my friends and family would have a complete fit but it's not them that has to live alone and deal with the stuff I have to deal with.

IHateUncleJamie · 20/02/2019 11:46

Your children will be much happier with stability and not walking into tension every day, which is what will happen at some point if you take him back. Much better for them to have a happy, calm single parent. You know this and that is why your gut is saying no. Keep listening to it.

Nephilim1964 · 20/02/2019 11:48

Is his happiness more important than yours? If the answer to this is no, then don't take him back.

Remember why he's your ex. You've moved forward into the light and he's still lurking in shadows - leave him there. If he can't be a good dad to your children unless he's in the same house as them, then quite frankly he's not a good dad full stop. He's using your children to get his foot in the door. Tell him to fuck off.

Springwalk · 20/02/2019 11:56

No why would you?? Enjoy your life. He had his chance

Holidayshopping · 20/02/2019 11:58

How has he noticeably changed?

BlingLoving · 20/02/2019 12:00

hahaha. He wants to come back because his life is shit now and he thinks that if he gets back together with you it will go back to how it was, including affairs and the rest. Don't do it. He's made his bed and now you are happily living a life that works for you.

Clutterbugsmum · 20/02/2019 12:01

Your children won't be happier if he was back home, because you won't be happy.

He doesn't need to be back 'home' to be a better parent to his children. he could and should be looking at improving his life and his children lifestyle.

He just looking at a easier life for himself and not you or your children.

I would explain to the children that you and their dad will not be getting back together but that doesn't mean you don't love them any differently.

AuntieCJ · 20/02/2019 12:02

That's a big fat NO!

HollowTalk · 20/02/2019 12:07

Oh god, you'd be mad to even consider this!

Does he think you should be grateful he wants you back?

diplodocusinermine · 20/02/2019 12:07

Just remember what you felt like when you were with him. A good partner will be supportive and raise you up. He held you down. He only wants back because of the situation he's in now, and because he sees you soaring.

You are not the one hurting your children - he did that with his affairs and disrespect. Teach your children that they deserve a partner who will love and cherish them as equals, not treat them like your ex treated you.

PalmTree101 · 20/02/2019 12:09

Why on earth would you take him back? Look at how much better you have done without him! High five and go you!

He can start by having the kids 50/50 if her really wants to be a father to them.

Maelstrop · 20/02/2019 12:18

No and don’t let him guilt you into anything by using the children. He hasn’t really changed, he’s just trying to get back his nice easy life.

AlaskanOilBaron · 20/02/2019 12:19

I can't believe you actually have to ask this.

pictish · 20/02/2019 12:19

No! Omg!

Of course he wants back with you, he’s homeless and has a shit job and nothing going for him. Of course he sees an opportunity to get his feet back under your table...how convenient! And now that you’ve lost weight, even better!

Do not give up the life that you have strived to create on your own, to chuck your lot in with this proven mismatch with whom a relationship fell apart before, based on his intolerable behaviour.
Come on now.

SunburstsOrMarbleHalls · 20/02/2019 12:34

Please do not even consider getting back with this idiot.The only reason he is suddenly is a reformed character and full of remorse is because he can finally see that the grass wasn't greener and his life is rubbish, while you on the other hand are happier, healthier and have a positive future. It sounds as if he is is viewing the possibility of reuniting as an easy solution to his current life issues.

He treated you with total disrespect, lied and cheated on you during your marriage. Yes while the children are young of course they would love mum and dad to be together but this will not always be the case, as they grow up they will have so much more respect and understanding for the choice you have made.

You have done the difficult and emotional stuff 3 years ago when you separated, to go back to this situation and expect a different outcome is madness.

Its not surprising that he has said he wants to Get back and be a father to his kids - this is emotionally manipulative speech that indicates that he hasn't changed at all! He knows that the children's well being will be your priority so he is trying to exploit that for his own benefit.
Why the hell can't he "be a father" now? Being a non resident parent does not mean that you can't be a fantastic dad. He needs to step up to his parental responsibility and put their needs first for once.

funinthesun19 · 20/02/2019 12:38

Ugh no! There is a reason (or many reasons) he is an ex. He just wants an easy life, don’t fall for it!

Oliversmumsarmy · 20/02/2019 12:40

I don’t get why you are being backed into a corner.

I would be explaining to your dc that whilst you feel sorry for their father because of the choices he has made, pitying someone is not the basis of a relationship.

He can be a father to his children whilst living elsewhere. He had his chance and he wasn’t interested at the time. Life has moved on and so have you

Foslady · 20/02/2019 12:46

Oh dear - it ended up with his grass being scorched and yours being greener and now he’s using the children to try and wheedle his way back in - he didn’t give a damn about you before and by the sounds of things he still doesn’t.

No fucking chance!!!

mummmy2017 · 20/02/2019 12:48

Good only mumsnet fave..

No that won't work for me.

IncrediblySadToo · 20/02/2019 12:49

No. Because you will be unhappy, you’ll want out again and that will hurt your kids all over again.

TheSerenDipitY · 20/02/2019 12:50

as they say... when someone shows you who they are, believe them.
you know who he is, who he really is, you had 10 years learning who he is, do you really think he could change?

YouSayPotatoesISayVodka · 20/02/2019 12:54

Don’t be soft. You’re happier now, your children are too mainly because you are. The only one who isn’t is him because he’s stuck in a hell of his own making.

By the way don’t be afraid to enjoy the shit show that is his life even just a little bit.

BusySnipingOnCallOfDuty · 20/02/2019 12:54

Biggest mistakes ive ever made have generally been getting back with exes/ trusting exes

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