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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner not working full time

57 replies

TimMw · 19/02/2019 17:57

Am I being unreasonable to ask my partner to work full time? We have a son that is 13 years old, 14 in a month. He travels on his own to school and has house keys. We need every penny. For the last 5-6 years, her excuse has been starting a business and waiting for it to take off. Some weeks she may get some clients others none. It is very unreliable income. On average she is working about 15 hours a week. The pressure and strain of being the main bread winner is depressing and taking it tow on me. We don’t have a young child any more and there is nothing wrong with her to work full time. It is depressing seeing her sleep till midday, and work only a couple of days a week. The house work was so bad I now have to pay for a cleaner. I would appreciate some advice and input. Am I being unfair ?

OP posts:

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 19/02/2019 18:02

Interested to see the replies on this one. Can guarantee if it was a bloke there would be LTB comments every other.

yourfeetstink · 19/02/2019 18:04

Yanbu
Sounds like she isn't pulling her weight financially or domestically

Sirzy · 19/02/2019 18:04

You need to sit down and talk to her about things. Look at the budget together so she can see the strain it’s causing

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 19/02/2019 18:06

Sleeping till midday, house a tip - bigger issues at play here than working .

But if this were a gender reversal she would be a cocklodger and you'd be told to LTB

SleepingBooty · 19/02/2019 18:06

Absolutely, especially if she's not helping out at home.

showerpower · 19/02/2019 18:07

YANBU

Decormad38 · 19/02/2019 18:07

No it would wind me up but apart from two lots of mat leave I’ve always worked full time. Are you compatible because I would lose respect for someone quickly in that situation.

lanbro · 19/02/2019 18:08

No I don't think you're being unfair, sleeping til midday is odd though...even during periods when I've not worked for money I've been too busy with other tasks to spend half the day in bed.

But...you can't force her to if she doesn't want to, and likely more resentment will creep in and could well end your relationship, are you prepared for that?

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 19/02/2019 18:09

No you're not being unreasonable. Is she depressed?

zsazsajuju · 19/02/2019 18:09

Absolutely. She should be working. She has no right for you just to perpetually support her even when you don’t want to. Time for her to get a job.

drinkygin · 19/02/2019 18:10

No you are not being unreasonable. Relationships should be an equal partnership and she sounds like she’s taking the piss out of you.

DoneLikeAKipper · 19/02/2019 18:10

Can guarantee if it was a bloke there would be LTB comments every other.

In the situation described, plenty of posters would suggest, and actually expect, any partner who’s children are secondary school+ to be working more than minimum hours. I’ve never seen posters on here think it’s ok to be a stay at home parents to teens if money is tight (unless the circumstances are ver specific of course).

So, unless there is a good reason, your partner really needs to either find extra work, or give up the business and find other employment. Perhaps have a talk by going through all the financial stuff, sometimes seeing in black and white that you’re just about managing (or not) could be a good kick up the bum?

HoraceCope · 19/02/2019 18:11

you need to talk to each other, communicate,

RomanyQueen1 · 19/02/2019 18:12

How long has she been like this OP?
I've become like this doing less and less, my dh was really worried too and still is about money.
I have clinical depression and am scoring the highest marks every week I visit my counsellor.
Could she be depressed, I know I'm struggling to find work atm due to this, there's so little i could manage atm.
YANBU, but talk to her and let her know the strain you are under and suggest she sees her gp. If she is fine you know there's no underlying reason.

PumpkinPie2016 · 19/02/2019 18:12

YANBU - if she wants to continue the business then she needs to get a part time job around that for the time being.

Sleeping until midday is odd!

I am the main earner in our house (for different reasons to yours though). My husband gets up every single morning when I do and then around takig our son to school (he's 5) he does loads!

OurChristmasMiracle · 19/02/2019 18:13

Does she suffer with depression? Sleeping til midday seems over the top. Is she exhausted etc? If so get her to a doctor.

If not sit her down and say the current set up isn’t working. She needs to contribute equally to the bills/house and needs to find a job to do that. If she can make enough in 2 days that’s fine. But if not then she needs to find a job that does. Also you expect her to do her share of the housework.

glitterbiscuits · 19/02/2019 18:13

If my partner was in good health and not looking after small children or elderly relatives I would expect to live in a palace and be eating gourmet home cooked food if they worked so few hours.

Are they ill or depressed?
It's unfair for one person to shoulder the financial burden.
If I had wealth enough for my partner not to need to work I would want them to do some volunteering or something purposeful so I had respect for them.

JacquesHammer · 19/02/2019 18:13

How long has she been like this OP?

On the face of it YANBU, but you need to ensure there isn’t anything else going on.

You absolutely need to have a conversation regarding the strain you’re under.

RomanyQueen1 · 19/02/2019 18:15

OP, I also sleep till dinner time, I can't sleep at night.
Can I suggest you help her get up, would she be ok with this? I've asked my dh to help or I'd never get up.

elliejjtiny · 19/02/2019 18:17

Yanbu. If you are a part time worker or sahp to teenagers then you need to spend as much time doing cooking, cleaning, appointments, admin, helping with homework etc as you would doing a full time job.

grasspigeons · 19/02/2019 18:18

I think it warrants a discussion. it sounds unreasonable to expect someone to support you when the childcare role has dwindled and its affecting to workers mental health.

Has she lost confidence/unable to find a job? I know its easier to say 'get a job' than it is to make it happen. eg lack of a reference, or recent experience to talk about at interview.

on another note is their anything you can do to improve your own lot - eg look for a job you enjoy more. or is just the pressure of being the breadwinner that is getting you down (understandable!)

goingonabearhunt1 · 19/02/2019 18:19

Is she depressed?

Dimsumlosesum · 19/02/2019 18:20

Ynbu. But as other posters have said you need to sit down and discuss how your feeling and what the strain is doing to you.

goingonabearhunt1 · 19/02/2019 18:20

If she's not ill or anything I'd say it's not OK unless you're earning enough as a household that you can both go part-time and share domestic responsibilities as well.

BeanTownNancy · 19/02/2019 18:20

Not unreasonable. Both people in the relationship should, in my opinion, be putting the same effort into the "household" - this could be a balance of childcare, housework, life admin, or paid salary work (or anything else you had mutually agreed should be considered of shared value such as caring for a family member), but I would definitely start to resent a partner who was happy to lay around and watch me busting my arse every day to keep the household running.

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