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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner not working full time

57 replies

TimMw · 19/02/2019 17:57

Am I being unreasonable to ask my partner to work full time? We have a son that is 13 years old, 14 in a month. He travels on his own to school and has house keys. We need every penny. For the last 5-6 years, her excuse has been starting a business and waiting for it to take off. Some weeks she may get some clients others none. It is very unreliable income. On average she is working about 15 hours a week. The pressure and strain of being the main bread winner is depressing and taking it tow on me. We don’t have a young child any more and there is nothing wrong with her to work full time. It is depressing seeing her sleep till midday, and work only a couple of days a week. The house work was so bad I now have to pay for a cleaner. I would appreciate some advice and input. Am I being unfair ?

OP posts:
AssassinatedBeauty · 19/02/2019 18:20

No, YANBU. It sounds like she has had plenty of time to get her business going, but isn't really putting in the effort to get it to where it can be a reasonable money earner.

What has she said to you when you've talked to her about how this is affecting you? If she knows and doesn't seem to care then that's telling you a lot about your relationship. Have you considered asking her to move out?

HavelockVetinari · 19/02/2019 18:22

Unless there's a massive backstory here she's a cuntlodger. She needs to get off her arse and get a proper job, it's incredibly unfair on you to force you to shoulder the entire financial burden of supporting the family.

TrainSong · 19/02/2019 18:22

Talk to her. Tell her you feel used and that she needs to eithe rbring more money in or at least put the hours in as a homemaker. No shame in working part time if you cook fresh food from scratch, do the cleaning, shopping, admin, taxi-ing etc.

But I'd be worried too if she sleeps till midday. Does she not get up to see your DC off to school, to make breakfast, fix lunch or snacks, check he has what he needs? Not communicating with her child before school each day is an issue that seems like mroe than laziness.

KlutzyDraconequus · 19/02/2019 18:22

Sounds like one of them thar Fanny Freeloaders.

Merryoldgoat · 19/02/2019 18:22

YANBU at all.

Maintaining the house, childcare and money including funding the budget is the responsibility of both parties. However that shakes down is up to individual circumstances but with a child no longer needing such hands on care a job with reliable regular income is a reasonable expectation.

I’d say that whatever the sex of the poster.

Princessmushroom · 19/02/2019 18:23

Setting up a new business is hard but could be really worth it. It was for me. Saying that, I worked before my full time job and in the evenings to get my business to where it is today.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/02/2019 18:26

YANBU and if the business isn’t paying its way after 5 or 6 years it’s not going to and she needs to find proper paid employment and start to contribute fairly.

HamiltonCork · 19/02/2019 18:27

I think you need to have a proper discussion and explain how much of a strain being the main breadwinner is and that she needs to financially step up.

You also, however, must accept that her earning power might not be that great if she had been out of the workforce for so long.

justonemoreminutepls · 19/02/2019 18:34

if she was seriously trying to start a business, she shouldn't be sleeping in til midday............ laziness to the extreme. she's not a teenager.
your poor son.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/02/2019 18:36

What time does she go to bed / sleep? Wondering also if she’s ill / depressed.

HollowTalk · 19/02/2019 18:44

I think this is going to turn into one of those "throw a hand grenade into Mumsnet" threads.

DangermousesSidekick · 19/02/2019 18:45

You could usefully ask her to look for some regular part-time income while trying to get the business to start off. Some sort of discussion is in order. Be aware of what sort of jobs are realistically available to a woman of her age (whatever it is) with time out of the workplace before you start. Women are discriminated against, mothers even more so.

BarrytheFatcat · 19/02/2019 18:49

Why isn't she doing the housework?
I've got a 3 month old baby to look after but I still manage to keep my house clean.

AlexaAmbidextra · 19/02/2019 18:51

Be aware of what sort of jobs are realistically available to a woman of her age (whatever it is) with time out of the workplace before you start. Women are discriminated against, mothers even more so.

Well there’s nothing to stop her getting a job at McDonalds or in a supermarket. If she has a 13 year old she’s likely to be late thirties/early forties so hardly too old to get off her arse. If she expects to get a CEO position then she’s being unrealistic.

user1486250399 · 19/02/2019 18:58

Of course YANBU
Why should she be able to work part time? Tell her you want to swap - you'll go part time for the next 15 years and she can be the main bread winner.

BusySnipingOnCallOfDuty · 19/02/2019 19:05

Would she consider working nights? Sounds like the extra income is needed. She could also be depressed.

I end up in bed forever, but I have multiple chronic illnesses.

Could something be causing her to suffer fatigue?

You deserve better but might there be something under it all.

DangermousesSidekick · 19/02/2019 19:13

Well there’s nothing to stop her getting a job at McDonalds or in a supermarket. If she has a 13 year old she’s likely to be late thirties/early forties so hardly too old to get off her arse.

Another one who needs to have a realistic look at jobs nowadays. It depends where you are, but retail jobs are being shed and there is competition for work everywhere. It might not be as simple as you think.

DangermousesSidekick · 19/02/2019 19:13

Care work is the only thing that is expanding.

AlexaAmbidextra · 19/02/2019 20:48

Another one who needs to have a realistic look at jobs nowadays. It depends where you are, but retail jobs are being shed and there is competition for work everywhere. It might not be as simple as you think.

This ‘other one’ has had a realistic looks thanks. Just today I noticed my local McDonalds and Morrison’s are both advertising for staff.

AlexaAmbidextra · 19/02/2019 20:49

Care work is the only thing that is expanding.

Well there you are then. The perfect solution.

Dimsumlosesum · 19/02/2019 20:56

"Just apply to mcdonalds" etc does make me laugh. They get sometimes over a hundred applications for just ONE role. For my old cleaning job that was just a handful of hours a week just over 70 people applied. When I was a manager in a supermarket we had over 120 apply for (one) what was essentially a shelf stacking role. It was crazy.

M00vinBl00s · 19/02/2019 22:28

I would suggest start by reviewing all your income versus expenses and see if you can make some savings. This should include a review of her home business. Then look at short and long term saving goals, perhaps family holiday, pensions, savings, retraining, job. At this point, I would set some timescales for some improvements to have occurred, which would include the house work. Does your child do chores too ? Then review and go from there

Nothinglefttochoose · 20/02/2019 03:43

Male or Female, no you are not being unreasonable. She is being absolutely lazy. At 13 your child is very independent aside from needing rides to sports practice etc. she definitely could be working but it doesn’t sound like she wants to...

MelanieeYuan · 20/02/2019 03:53

I'd suggest you need to have a sit down conversation with your partner. Let her understand the financial demands in your household and tell her that she needs to be proactive to get more income for the family.

Try to reason with her about the importance of having a stable income in the family. Let her know that her business is secondary but she still needs a day job. Perhaps if you could find a suitable job that she might be interested in. Hope this helps!

araiwa · 20/02/2019 04:02

She's lazy

She needs to pull her finger out or be got rid of