How long do you leave your teenager?

[redwinelove]

Sorry I know this has been done to death!

My son was 13 in December.
He is an only child.

He has been left for a maximum of hour and half. I'll leave him to pop to the shop but if I knew I would be more than a couple of hours I would make him come with me. According to him I'm a wuss and can leave him for longer.

My partner agrees with him.

How long are you comfortable enough to leave them for?

All day. I'd also expect a teenager that age to be using public transport alone, going into town, etc, by themselves.

Maybe on mumsnet but not in real life.

Don't you know any families in real life where both parents work?

Dd3 has just done her second full day at home. She is 11. Gets up to wave me off(bless) goes back to bed for a lie in. Over to her friends for 11ish. Couple of hours in the park, back to ours with her friend for late lunch and then watch a film. Tomorrow she is walking up to another friend to go for a hot choc in a cafe.

Blimey I’m clearly very negligent
At which point are you going to start leaving him longer
16?
18?
21?

Yes he does do scouts so when he is away with them he is semi independent.

To the past poster who asked about breakfast, we are having breakfast as well so just make his.
He gets the school bus so when he does after school clubs one of us has to pick him up so again limits time alone.

Ds nearly 13 and was on his own for about 4 hours today

Single parent & only child here. DD spent the day alone in school holidays from being 12 years and 0 months: she went to a CM in the summer hols between primary and secondary then stopped, so on her own from Oct half term.

At 13 I was babysitting for up to 5 or 6 hours at night into the early hours of the morning.

Mine have been getting themselves to school and home again with no one in the house since starting secondary school, so about an hour most mornings and 1-2 hours most afternoons and all day on a training day.

And getting the bus to the nearest town/city for a couple of years, usually with friends.

*My youngest is 13 this year. I leave him for a couple of hours maximum if I need to. I certainly wouldn't leave him all day long and I don't think it's 'usual.' Maybe on mumsnet but not in real life.

I'm not over protective - I have a 20 year old at uni. But I strongly believe in parenting properly and , for me, that means being around for a young teen*

So anyone who works doesn't parent properly?

In my real life that's us and all of our family and friends, nothing Mumsnet about it.

@reallybadidea I do! I also don't think 13 year olds should be left from 8-6pm each day as some previous posters are doing.

We are allowed to think differently. The op asks what individuals are comfortable with. I'm not comfortable with that

4 hours or so (half a day). He's not keen on being left for a whole day, even if Id be prepared to (which I'm not).

@3greatkids
Alone overnight is neglectful, where are you or her DF or any family members?

My children are 9 and 11 and get left linger than that! Admittedly we are usually only 5 mins away but we have left them for about 2/2.5 hours before.

Once the youngest starts secondary school next year (so they will be 11 and 13) I will likely leave them all day when we are at work. I will probably come home for lunch at first to ease them into it but won't for long.

When I started secondary school, I would have to leave the house and lock up on my own as my parents had both left for work.

I was eleven

If I was unwell, I had to look after myself as my parents were working.

No house burnt down or problems

It was not even questioned

My 13 YO is left 7:30-18:00 one or two days a week during school holidays. Occasionally GPs will pop in for an hour to check everything is ok. And we also have a dog keeping her company.

She usually sleeps until midday anyway so half the day is gone by that point but she’s perfectly happy with this arrangement.

I don't think posters are saying that they leave their DC all day every day during school holidays. Just that they do sometimes (and as childcare for secondary school age children doesn't really exist there isn't a choice if both parents work). Most families will split the time between them taking some annual leave and the DC being at home. . My DC don't sit on their own at home all day any way, they make plans with friends and go out.

It's certainly not an"only on MN " thing, it's absolutely the norm with virtually every family of teens we know unless they have a non working parent, and even then the teen might we'll go out for the day with friends and no adult in sight.

I feel really over protective after reading this thread. I don't leave my nearly 15yo although he has high functioning autism and 13yo home alone during the holidays, they go to a family member and my 8yo goes to Holiday Club

My DS is an only child & at age 13 I would leave him for half a day, I was fortunate not to be working full time when he was that age & the first time we left him on his own overnight he was 16.

I definitely don't leave my children (12 and 14) all day, every day in the school holidays. But they have days where I'm off or WfH, days where they go to grandparents or are at a friends house and days when they are home alone. This half term, they are with someone every day, but in a long summer holiday, I think there will be perhaps a day or so a week that they are alone.

I think year 8 was the first time that I left them for a whole day whilst we were both at work. Even now, I limit it, not because they're not safe, or can't make their own lunch or will do anything foolish - just because they will likely spend their whole day gaming (son) and on social media/phone (daughter).

I haven't yet left in the evening when we've not been local (plenty of times when we have), but I think that will happen soon-ish.

At 13, and presumably yr8, I would definitely say that you should be aiming for him to be left for longer than you do. Working up to you feeling comfortable for him to be left for a full day occasionally by the summer holidays would seem like a good idea.

I wouldn't consider Scouts being an indicator of semi-independence. It's a group activity run by adult leaders.
I think you need to consider what an 18-year-old would/should be able to do and start leading up to that with independence skills.

Do any of you leave your 13 year old in the evenings, if so for how long? I am a single parent with a 13 year old so it's not easy to get out in the evenings.

But Scoutd teaches them a lot of skills that promote independence and good decision making. Ours were always being set quite major projects to tackle without adult help.

Do any of you leave your 13 year old in the evenings, - yes, mine was babysitting for other people in the evenings.

My ds is 16 next week and has Aspergers. I used to be ridiculously over protective of him until I realised he had to take 4 buses to and from school at 11 so lots of freedom and independence came from that.
He is the most sensible kid I know and tells his mates off for drinking at parties unlike me at his age and at 13 he was left for a number of hours if he didn't want to come out.
There is an 8 year gap between ds and dd so he was often not interested in doing family stuff and of course dd didn't get the choice to stay at home ( though I left them both for an hour today together ) so I believe that it has been a positive thing for him.
He regularly travels all over the country ( from Liverpool ) to watch his beloved Everton and we drop him at coach and pick him up again but he's often alone for 10-12 hours if a far match like Southampton.
Does them the world of good to feel trusted and grown up.