To be upset mil doesn't bother with my dcs

[midnightgirl]

I have 2 dcs of my own 12 and 15 and 2 step children 13 and 14. I have a lovely mil and she's very caring but it just upsets me when she takes her grandchildren out and my 2 are never included, it's been 6 years now and she still doesn't really seem to bother with them. Maybe it bothers me more because I'm sensitive to the fact both my parents and their dads parents are deceased and my dad only died 2 years ago, he used to spoil them but now they have no one.

I get she's known her own grandchildren since they were born and there's a natural bond so I probably am being unreasonable but it becomes so obvious sometimes. I just feel they only have me ! Does anyone understand were in coming from?

Did your Dad spoil his step children when he was alive?

I do get where you are coming from BUT your children are not her grandchildren. This crops up quite a lot on MN

Yes actually he did in the short time he knew them. Anyway I don't expect her to spoil them just acknowledge them there is a difference!!!!!

My mil actively bothered with my dc, snubbed her own dgc when it came along.
Honestly op, use the time to do stuff with your dc, make the decision to accept it's her loss.
We are nc with her now.
Life is great.

I'd be speaking to your partner and asking them to tell her it's not on. You are a family. She has all or none. She will be aware your two have no grandparents to spoil them. It's not nice.

Oh I do, I do lots with them and my step children, still upsets me don't know why

It what ways doesn't she acknowledge them? Does she blank them?

Exactly @BlueMerchant I think it's off, but no one seems to notice

No she doesn't blank them, although she will ask how her gc day went at school and not ask mine or things like parents evening, both on the same evening she'll ask how her granddaughters went but not my ds, then will continue to praise her all perfectly normal but doesn't say a word to my ds.
She'll take hers out for dinner or a day out mine get left at home and not occasionally but every time, they live with us most of the time, but I will take all 4 of them out. It just would be nice if she made a little effort sometimes. I don't think I'm asking a lot but I know blood is blood!

Your dh needs to speak to her. Imo sibling relationships need nurturing and she is risking that - they should not feel that some are more favoured by mil.
Looking at the bigger picture, maybe she feels if she accepts them as dgc she would be expected to reflect that in her will and she doesn't want to...
Just a thought.

Well presumably they also have your DH and their own DF as well so not just you. Do you have any siblings?

It's tricky. My DF remarried and had 4 more DC. I loved my stepmum and her parents were always very welcoming but I would never have expected them to treat me as their own daughter / granddaughter. I'm not.

I suppose my point is, I don't expect her to treat them the same but just sometimes it would be nice if she showed a bit more compassion or interest that's all I'm asking

I suppose my point is, I don't expect her to treat them the same but just sometimes it would be nice if she showed a bit more compassion or interest that's all I'm asking.

These second relationships, where each bring 'steps' to the table and expect the extended second family to treat the first as their own. Do you make the same demands of the first family, that they should treat subsequent children the same as their own because they are half or step siblings? Of course not.

Imo sibling relationships need nurturing - I hate to point it out but 'steps' aren't siblings, there is no tie. If this parental relationship split, it is quite possible the steps would not have contact again through choice.

I enjoy the company of my step sister but she is not my sister.

This often comes up on MN and I understand people are hurt at perceived snubs from inlaws, but really why should your MIL take more than a polite interest in your children? She wants to spend quality time with her own grandchildren.

It’s not tricky it’s mean. I have DD and 2 DSC both my DM and DMIL are very fair with all 3. They might not be treated exactly the same all of the time but when it comes to presents, treats, days out they are all treated as siblings.

Your DH should speak to her.

I agree plainspeaking. A couple in our friendship group split as the DW was having an affair. She married the OM and her DC live with them over half of the time. The OM has 4 DC (2 ex wives!) who live with them part time. DD is still friendly with one of the DDs. They really don't think of the OM's children as siblings. They barely acknowledge each other at all.

A couple may want to get together and think that they're all one family, but they're not really. The OP's MIL obviously can't pretend. Do the assorted DC think of each other as siblings or as housemates?

I understand where your coming from and the feelings of hurt. I have similar but different, in that my children’s dad doesn’t want to be part of their lives. My now dh is a great step dad but he has his own kids and loves them more. Hurts so much even though I know it’s normal and reasonable.

Of course MIL’s not going to feel the same about your kids but She should in my opinion make an effort as she knows there is a gap in their lives. Perhaps your dh could gently talk to her and explain this.

can i ask what your DH thinks about this? with it being his DM.

DS has a friend - "M", is one of 11 and when you probe this, he is Child No 1, M&D split and got a new partner each, each had two new children, but the new partners each brought 2 steps to the relationship; these relationships split and M&D each got a second new partner, had another child a piece. Plain ridiculous to expect all these grandparents to take on other children on a whim.

Child 1 now doesn't see any of his steps, other than in passing, and doesn't have much to do with some of his half siblings by his father either, as the mothers have residency.

One of the steps is also at school with DS, and along with "M" he has a completely different set of 4 half siblings and a swathe of steps, none of whom he knows.

One of the other steps then hooked up with one of her ex step mothers ex's (are you following this so far?) and had a baby by him. I cant even worth that complexity out.

Well when you are in the situation it is hurtful, everyone's situation is different and the one you are describing @PlainSpeakingStraightTalking is very complicated and not like my situation at all.
My 2 have no gran parents, their dad does very little my sister doesn't bother with them. For the last time I do not expect her to treat or feel the same as she does about her own gc of course not, but just to be interested just to care a little, what is so wrong or hard about that . I would be unreasonable to expect her to feel the same I know that!

There maybe an element of self-protection in this behaviour too.
I knew a couple who had no GC of their own and were thrilled to get step-GC. They treated them like their own and loved them to bits but when the mother split up with their son, that was the last they saw of the kids and they were heartbroken.

Not that I'm saying your marriage won't last OP! Just perhaps the GPs have heard a few stories like this and try to keep your kids at arms length a little.

It's not for your MIL to fill this perceived hole in your children's lives. Some grandparent relationships are lovely but they are an addition not a right. It may suit the mental image of family to have her swoop up your 2 but they aren't her grandchildren. If you feel there is a gap for your children then perhaps look at other extended family on your side and their father's side. Personally I would just go with the idea that it was lovely for them to have a grandparent who spoiled them whilst he was alive and it's very sad that he's gone but that is that is the situation.

My parents rarely see DSS (15) as when he's here they take a step back so that he can spend quality time with his dad. They see DD (6 months) at least weekly and love to spoil her. I think if you set up a dynamic for children to feel hard done by then they may very well do so. We always tell DSS that actually he has plenty of family on both sides who spoil him whereas DD only has 2 sets of grandparents as her aunt and uncle are disinterested at best (he has several great uncles, cousins etc). All families are different.

I think you or preferably your DP should have a word with your MiL. She will always care more about her actual relatives of course but it's not asking much that she asks after your kids and takes a general interest in their lives. Her behaviour seems very thoughtless. I've got 3 grandchildren of my own and 6 step-grandchildren. My partner died last year but both before and since his death I cared about them, initially for his sake but then for theirs. They are great kids and very affectionate. Remembering birthdays, going along to the occasional school concert or family outing, doing the odd bit of babysitting is no big deal. You are definitely NBU!

I say this not to be harsh but because although in her 70s now, MIL has a gigantic chip on her shoulder about growing up with only 1 set of GPs because the other lot had the sheer audacity to die. Shes been raised to see this as a huge issue and still talks about it a lot. However, I actually lacked a relationship with both sets of GPs due age, health, family arguments etc but really wasn't bothered because that was my normal and my parents made it clear that whilst my friends had lovely GPs we all have different families and that's ok.