To be upset mil doesn't bother with my dcs

[midnightgirl]

I have 2 dcs of my own 12 and 15 and 2 step children 13 and 14. I have a lovely mil and she's very caring but it just upsets me when she takes her grandchildren out and my 2 are never included, it's been 6 years now and she still doesn't really seem to bother with them. Maybe it bothers me more because I'm sensitive to the fact both my parents and their dads parents are deceased and my dad only died 2 years ago, he used to spoil them but now they have no one.

I get she's known her own grandchildren since they were born and there's a natural bond so I probably am being unreasonable but it becomes so obvious sometimes. I just feel they only have me ! Does anyone understand were in coming from?

My dd is 15 so is mature and good company my ds possibly is as he's 12 and a boy

I assume you meant to say that your 12 year old ds possibly isn't.

In that case, maybe she doesn't want to take him out for that reason, and feels she can't invite your older son and not him too.

How does it work in reverse? Does your MIL come over to your place (or out) for birthday dinners for your DC? Do you all visit her house or is it just your DSC who visit her house?

Do you go out together as a family, with all the DC and invite her?

Because in all honesty, if she isn't willing to treat your DC a little bit better, I wouldn't be inviting her to these things.

If this relationship has occurred naturally, I can't see how pushing it would make it better. Its more likely to cause resentment. Do you children complain? Children rarely notice about these things.

Are there any surviving older relatives that could take the grandparent type role. My mum is Gran type figure to the young girl next door. Her grandmother (now deceased) lived in Eastern Europe and my mum has had the girl in since she was tiny. Now she is a teenager but my mum is still invited to concerts and plays and my mum always gets her favourite treats in, birthday and Christmas presents etc. She is a delightful girl and it doesn't impact on the her relationship with her own grandchildren at all.

@Lillyannabel my oldest is my 15 year old daughter not son, and it might be the reason for you and I can understand that but I honestly don't think it is the reason here. She has a lot worse to deal with lol, but I hear you

Your OH MUST have a chat to his mother about this, or if he's one of those who doesn't like the idea of saying something to his mum then you have to. It's not nice for the kids. Taking two of them to McDonald's and leaving the other two waving at the window is horrible. MIL must realise this surely. If I was in yours and your partners situation then they all go. Or none.

Step grandparents can, and do, make a huge difference to people's lives so I think it's a shame that your mother-in-law can't be bothered to put in the effort. I have step grandparents that I adore, they treated me and my siblings as 'real' grandchildren from the beginning and made the effort to get to know us. I never saw them as any different to my biological grandparents and definitely got on better with them than my stuffy British grandparents. When my Pops died I dropped everything to travel to Australia to be with my family and when I got married last year my grandma couldn't face the journey to the UK (she is 101 so a reasonable excuse), she sent us a gift equal to a flight from Sydney which we're using to go home to see her (and the rest of my family) at Christmas.

I can understand why you’d feel hurt on behalf of your dc OP, it isn’t nice to see them left out. I don’t think you can force your MIL into taking them out with her though, she has her reasons for not doing and that’s her choice I guess. She includes them at Christmas and birthdays which is a good thing. Personally I wouldn’t be making DH speak to her, I don’t like the thought of people doing something because they’ve been “spoken to” you would never know if she was then taking them because she’d been forced and not because she wanted to.

I don't agree at all with the pp who said children rarely notice these things IME children are a lot cleverer and more aware than they ever get credit for and anyway the ops eldest is 15 are you really saying she won't notice??

I really feel for you OP. My DM is lovely to her DStep grandchildren and I read a beautiful eulogy recently from Steps who were completely assimilated into the family.
It is so hard to understand the "well, they are aliens" point of view. I've heard people say kinder things about their partners pets than their partners stepchildren. Yes they are family! Of course they are family!
Being as your children are at the tablet/smartphone/gaming age & therefore could be a bit 'out of sight, out of mind' would it be worth you having a gentle word with MIL. Point out your children consider her their grandmother and would love to go out with her & their siblings. It could be she is feeling the pinch and you could offer something towards their meal? Or go out en masse, including grandma - emphasise you are a proper family?
I am sorry though, it just seems really sad.

Would your step-kids resent you and your kids if they muscled in on their relationship with their grandmother though? That would worry me more.

Tbh it's very hard being a step parent you get resentment whatever you do, I think as long as they got preferential treatment they would be ok, which of course they would, I'm only talking occasionally

I don't feel you are being unreasonable in the least. If you partner won't discuss it then perhaps you can gently bring it up with her. I don't think you are asking too much imo. What drives me crazy is the unequal and obvious favoritism in my husbands family with the grandchildren. My PILs went nuts over the first two GC then my boy came along and then fast forward widowed MIL lives with SIL and helps raise the last three GC. Middle child syndrome.

I think it's a shame, the grandparent I am closest to is my grandmother, or technically my step grandmother, my DMs step mother. I'm probably closer to her than her biological GCs who she has a good relationship with, biology never mattered with us. I also don't differentiate between cousins, regardless of biology. I think it's one thing when the relationship is new but when it's been years, family is family.

I feel your pain op...my il sometimes buys her biological gc a gift on front of my own !!!!!
Ok there is not the same bond but i would NEVER do that ...infuriates my dp too. If you are trying to blend families it isn't right.

I just think it's her loss. She has the chance to bond with more young people and be a loved step grandparent but dosn't want to. Oh well....she looses.