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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset mil doesn't bother with my dcs

64 replies

midnightgirl · 18/02/2019 19:29

I have 2 dcs of my own 12 and 15 and 2 step children 13 and 14. I have a lovely mil and she's very caring but it just upsets me when she takes her grandchildren out and my 2 are never included, it's been 6 years now and she still doesn't really seem to bother with them. Maybe it bothers me more because I'm sensitive to the fact both my parents and their dads parents are deceased and my dad only died 2 years ago, he used to spoil them but now they have no one.

I get she's known her own grandchildren since they were born and there's a natural bond so I probably am being unreasonable but it becomes so obvious sometimes. I just feel they only have me ! Does anyone understand were in coming from?

OP posts:
Davespecifico · 18/02/2019 22:45

You can’t make her be an empathetic person. If it’s not occurred to her that your children might benefit from some inclusion from her, she won’t be able to change even if you ask her to.
Does it bother your children? If it doesn’t, then just roll with it. If it upsets them, talk it through and help them understand that it’s not about them.

Yesicancancan · 18/02/2019 22:47

Your children are not her grandchild. You can’t inpose or force it, it’s pointless. Rise above it, unless it’s really cruelly obvious, there is nothing you can do without seeming sour.

Frazzledmum123 · 18/02/2019 22:47

Going against the grain here but I'm totally with you on this OP. No it's not her gc but they are still children, I wouldn't have a kid over to play and spend ages asking mine how their day went etc and not the other child, it's rude imo. To me though, family isn't about blood, my MIL buys gifts for my sister's kids (nothing to do with her) and has offered to look after them in the past, my sister's PIL came to my son's sports day and does my kids big buckets of sweets at Halloween etc, it's about loving the family of the people you love surely? Technically a DIL isn't blood but you'd expect them to have a relationship of sorts with them. Maybe speak to dh op and ask him to mention it?

ssd · 18/02/2019 22:51

That sounds very hurtful for your kids and really difficult for you to swallow
I don't know the answer but I wouldn't forget her treatment of my kids
The say will come when days out with granny are a thing if the past and she may look to you for help and support.... I wouldn't bother, going by her logic she's not your mum....

ssd · 18/02/2019 22:52

A bit of thought and kindness takes nothing

SilviaSalmon · 18/02/2019 23:01

I don’t think you can blame your MIL for the GP gap in your own DC’s lives. From your OP it seems that this is only an issue because your DC sadly lost their GP?

Your MIL is naturally going to be a lot more interested in her own GC. YABU IMO.

ssd · 18/02/2019 23:04

The op isn't blaming her MIL, don't put words in her mouth. She just wants her MIL to show some interest in her kids, what is wrong with that.
There's some hard hearted buggers out there, MIL is one of them

BusySnipingOnCallOfDuty · 18/02/2019 23:12

I've been in a LTR where my parents treated my stepson like their own GS. And another LTR where my kids were spoilt just the same as their step siblings and my parents would have all of us over and watch the five kids (two being mine) so that ex and I could pop out.

We now live with my amazing OH who has no kids (but is 110% better at this parenting lark than I am) in a flat we have bought together. His mum treats my kids the same as her countless other GC. I feel lucky because I know others who have had more of your sort of experience.

Original poster
midnightgirl · 19/02/2019 07:20

Well it's good to have different pov, she obviously finds it hard too, she is a nice person though and caring, she does buy them gifts at Birthday and Xmas. I do get on with her I think though because the bond isn't naturally there she may need to be poked a bit about it. At least this way her grandchildren don't get jealous but then they have grandparents on both sides plus an older half sister to spoil them. I know it bothers my dcs sometimes they look a bit disappointed when nan turns up to take her 2 to Mac Donald's or whatever.

OP posts:
ourkidmolly · 19/02/2019 07:34

I think if she's buying them gifts, then she's not unkind just not invested. And you know, that's ok. You're projecting your need into a perceived need for your kids. She's their step granny, she doesn't want to take on more emotional baggage. Everyone has a limit. Taking 4 teenagers out for a meal is a big ask too.

stillworkingitout · 19/02/2019 07:36

My DSis is getting married this year. She has one child, my nephew, he has two more (teens). I’m fond of my nephew, his birth was a difficult time for us all and DSis was a single parent for many years. Her DP seems pleasant enough - I’ve only met him a few times (distance) but we all got on well. I have literally zero interest in his DC. I’ve not actually met them, and couldn’t spot them in a crowd. They’re not far off being adults now. That doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t be polite to them, or ask some questions. But I don’t really have an opinion about what they should do with their lives. DSis tries to make ‘fetch’ happen sometimes and be this big blended family. It’s great for her that they all get along, and I think the kids have a good relationship with my parents (though not the same as my nephew who lived in their house for several years). I’m just not that interested, a bit like any other extended relative I suppose. I wish them no ill, but I’m not especially invested in their lives. And whilst my DSis’ relationship appears to be growing stronger, if they did split I’d probably not see them again anyway.

Original poster
midnightgirl · 19/02/2019 07:39

And thank you for your comments @ssd

OP posts:
whiteroseredrose · 19/02/2019 07:45

I've been thinking about this. With my DStepM and her parents I would have never expected to be the same as their own DC or GC but I loved them to bits and vice versa. They were always interested in me and included me. It's hard to describe the relationship. Possibly more like a neice.

I suppose that's the problem. You can't expect your MIL to think of your DC as her GC but they are children in her family so you can expect her to take an interest eg after parents evening. I take an interest in my friends' DC as they are children that I care about.

Original poster
midnightgirl · 19/02/2019 07:45

@stillworkingitout that's a bit different though they are grown up, you have no input in their lives hardly see them, my mil sees mine all the time.
And if she did ever take my 2 out for dinner I would give her the money or give the money to my dcs, she has other gc from dps brother so she has to think about them too, so I wouldn't expect her to pay. But sometimes she has 6 gc with her just never mine, it does look unfair from my dcs POV , I'm just saying it would be nice once in 6 years but never ??????

OP posts:
Original poster
midnightgirl · 19/02/2019 07:47

Yes I agree @whiteroseredrose

OP posts:
stillworkingitout · 19/02/2019 07:56

Well, you might be able to get closer to what you want by trying to improve their relationship. Most likely it isn’t an actual snub, just that she’s never considered it. I have to say that if she’s already doing something with 6 GC then adding yours at that time probably isn’t fair, but maybe you can orchestrate something by including her in some days out/meals out with your kids.

The fact that your DC don’t have their own GP isn’t her fault though, and she doesn’t have to fill that space. She might be willing to, and she might not want to overstep. You probably have to have a conversation with your DH to see a way forward. Moving forward will depend on whether she wants to/is open to building a relationship with your DC

Idiota · 19/02/2019 07:57

So she already buys them Christmas and birthday presents? In that case, she clearly hasn’t been acting all aloof from them and I think your perspective is very skewed.

And besides, you can’t prod her into asking how your dc’s day went - how fake is that going to sound every time she does if she’s only asking because you told her she had to?

BarbarianMum · 19/02/2019 08:20

And do your parents still see all those ex step children Busy? Do they still act as grandparents to them, even though you've moved on?

OP I dont think you're being unreasonable exactly but it's a tricky situation - how close to get and when and how to do so without overstepping. How do you think your step children would feel about sharing their grandparents time and attention?

CherryPavlova · 19/02/2019 08:22

Even with birth families grandparents often show favouritism for one of their children’s offspring compared to others. Often their firstborn’s.

It doesn’t sound deliberate at all. Maybe just arrange whole family things that she joins in to,build that relationship. What do,your children call her? If her grandchildren call her granny but yours call her Myrtle then the relationship will be different. What you need to do,is avoid her feeding bad or awkward and destroying the relationships she has for fear of being criticised.

Disfordarkchocolate · 19/02/2019 08:25

I find this really sad. My PIL's found themselves with 3 extra grandchildren and they were nothing but warm and welcoming. By opening their hearts to my children everyone benefited and I knew I have married into a good family.

ssd · 19/02/2019 09:26

See the problem here isn't that the op is noticing the difference its that her kids are noticing the difference. Op, you won't change her she is what she is. Maybe you could offer her the money to take your kids along when she takes her grand kids out if you can? I know it's not the same but maybe that way your kids would feel more included. Tell her all the kids like doing stuff together. Obviously there will be times she just wants her own 2 grandkids to take out but if your own kids were included once in a while they wouldn't feel like they were left out.
It's a hard one and you have my sympathy. I had something similar, not a granny but similar.

Original poster
midnightgirl · 19/02/2019 10:13

@Idiota it's not about presents though is it! It's about the dcs emotions I've already said I don't expect them to be treated the same I don't think any of what I've said makes my perspective 'skewed' as you put it. I understand what you are saying your right I can't prod her to say the right things when I think, but I can suggest my 2 would like to join the others at Mac Donald's or were ever and maybe meet her there or there's a few other delicate things I can do. I can't force the relationship but I can encourage things I guess.
My point was if she can take 6 gc out all together, at a separate time she could take mine out with my step children, not every time just occasionally. I would pay, I really don't think I'm asking a lot. I do a lot for all her gc too, especially my sc, again it's a different relationship but I treat them the same, I take them out I deal with a lot of parenting issues I even do a lot for their half sister who my dp was step dad to when he was with their mum.

OP posts:
Idiota · 19/02/2019 11:55

I do a lot for all her gc too, especially my sc, again it's a different relationship but I treat them the same, I take them out I deal with a lot of parenting issues I even do a lot for their half sister who my dp was step dad to when he was with their mum

It's not the same at all. You chose to have a relationship with a man who had kids - you therefore chose to become a step-mum with all the obligations that entails.

She didn't choose to become a step-gran.

Plus, she didn't meet your kids until they were what - 8 or 9? The same bond isn't going to be there. Snubbing them would mean not buying them presents, so only your stepchildren got presents from her at Christmas. She's not doing that - she's being considerate. But you can't force her to want to spend time with them.

Lillyannabel · 19/02/2019 12:11

I'm actually in a similar position to your MIL, OP.

My son has two daughters, and after their mother sadly passed away when they were very young, he remarried a few years ago to a woman with two sons.

I do spend a lot of time with my granddaughters - we go out to the theatre, or we go shopping, or we go for lunch together. I don't invite my step-grandsons on these trips because - to be honest - I don't want to spend time with them.

On occasions when I have looked after all four children at my DS and DIL's house, I have found my step-grandsons to be very immature compared to my granddaughters. They're very loud and very disruptive. I don't want to take them out, because I'd be constantly worrying about how they would behave and it would ruin the trips.

Could this be a factor with your MIL? Are your dc noticeably less mature than your stepchildren? Girls do mature more quickly, so that could be a factor. And maybe your MIL just wants to spend some girl-only time with her granddaughters?

Original poster
midnightgirl · 19/02/2019 12:30

@Idiota well all I will say to that is my children didn't choose it either. It's not their fault either.

@Lillyannabel I can understand your position tbh! Sometimes I just want to go out with my 2 on my own and of course she'll want to do the same. My dd is 15 so is mature and good company my ds possibly is as he's 12 and a boy but I honestly don't think it's the reason, just the bond isn't there, and there's nothing I can do about it really just still upsets me, but as I'm reading more responses it's just the way it is I guess.

OP posts:
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