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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Visitor's access to your fridge

120 replies

Magnificentbeast · 18/02/2019 15:52

This one is on the light-hearted side. I am curious.

Do the friends' of your DCs have 'free' access to your fridge/food? My DC had a friend over recently who declared that 'her' fridge is an open house to anyone who comes to her house. At the same time implying that this should be the case in all houses. She's 10. This was the first time she had been to our house.

I'm not really sure why but I didn't feel comfortable with this idea. I also wouldn't like the idea of my DC (they wouldn't) to go to a friend's house and help themselves to the contents of the fridge.

I'm not sure if it makes a difference but this particular friend has a health condition which requires her to have a restricted diet. I gave her lunch as directed by her mother but no guidance on snacks. She said that her DC knows what she can eat. She was hungry again later so I ran through which snacks we had in so that she could tell me what she could eat. This involved her having a nose through our fridge and cupboards. This isn't my AIBU as there was a 'consultation' going on. It's more the idea that anyone's fridge is an open-house.

I then started to wonder if I'm BU about it.

OP posts:
TheJobNeverEnded · 18/02/2019 17:10

I have a drawer in the fridge that is a free for all for my own children as they have a snack after school, they are almost 16 and 13.

They also have a snack drawer in a cupboard which includes crackers (cheese is in the fridge snack drawer) flap jack things, cookies, nuts etc

Then there is the fruit bowl.

But no, everyone asks, it is just polite. I might have planned to use apples for dinner (sausage and apple bake) or cheese (tuna pasta) so I cut stuff up and it goes in the drawers, it leaves plenty for meals and they get to police themselves these days.

Never have I ever had a child simply open my fridge or cupboards and help themselves.

HollowTalk · 18/02/2019 17:12

I wouldn't use WhatsApp if I knew my friend's child was reading the messages. I think that's really rude.

NoSquirrels · 18/02/2019 17:16

there’s no need to ask at my grans.. she will force feed you the contents of the cabinets if you look remotely peckish so you never need to go looking for a snack
This made me think of my late grandmother and Grin

No, I would find this unspeakably rude. My DC have to ask - they can have free access to the fruit bowl, and drinks, but they ask for any other snacks.

Once they are teens I imagine we'll go for the free access to certain stuff (bread, Super Noodles!, biscuit tin, limited sandwich stuff etc.) but not to everything.

My parents would never refuse us anything from the fridge or cupboards, even now as adults, but we'd always ask or wait to be offered. Obviously putting the kettle on and adding the biscuit tin to the tea tray is normal, but I just cannot imagine being in the situation where "helping yourself" to any food you fancied from someone's - anyone's - fridge without asking would be OK.

Perhaps everyone who does the 'help yourself' approach has unlimited budgets & the time to keep stocking up, or never cooks from scratch so the missing cheese or cold chicken won't be an issue as it's not needed for a meal. Otherwise how can it work?

blueskiesovertheforest · 18/02/2019 17:16

Actually thinking about it my youngest has two friends who ask me instead of him, in a very demanding way - one regularly demands I cook pancakes because the first time he visited I happened to make pancakes. I dislike this pushyness and only offer these children boring healthy snacks BlushGrin Both those children are very demanding and hard work generally, compared to all my kids' other friends.

PlasticPatty · 18/02/2019 17:18

No.
If I allowed visitors, I would not allow them access to the fridge or cupboards.

longestlurkerever · 18/02/2019 17:18

Of course yanbu. No one walks into someone else's house and helps themselves to the cupboard/fridge without invitation, whatever their age. Not sure why you are second guessing yourself.

anniehm · 18/02/2019 17:18

No, but my kids are free to offer food themselves (they know what is snacks and what is potentially dinner!)

brassbrass · 18/02/2019 17:19

I also didn't want my dc sitting there eating stuff she couldn't. Seemed unfair.

Not unfair just different. No reason why your DC shouldn't eat what they would normally eat. It's good for her to understand her restrictions and how to manage them herself without expecting the world to revolve around her. I find all this pandering just leads to entitled expectations. If it were my child they wouldn't be having unsupervised play dates until they were able to manage this independently (and politely!)

sillysmiles · 18/02/2019 17:24

You guys have all just explained something that I find weird about my niece-in-laws. It would never occur to me that children would ask if they could eat something out the the fridge in their own house.

I'd annoys me when sil kid moan about being hungry and wait to be offered something by their mother instead of getting up and fixing something for themselves.

sillysmiles · 18/02/2019 17:25

Of course yanbu. No one walks into someone else's house and helps themselves to the cupboard/fridge without invitation, whatever their age. Not sure why you are second guessing yourself.

LOL Never visit my family!

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 18/02/2019 17:28

I struggle with this internally...I have a crap cupboard which houses all the treats...my family help themselves when ever they want.I also have a thing about buying proper cans of pop...juices,,bottled waters etc all housed in a seperate fridge again they help themselves to be honest its a rarety if anyone does as they can take or leave it it just doesnt seem to bother them but I guess they are used to it being there so it holds no fascination for them,however when my husbands family come to visit,,,its madness the greed is astonishing to behold,Kids and adults just open all our cupboards and the kids might take a bite out of this then leave it and move on to opening something else ,,open the mineral water leave/spill it then open a can of pop...its greedy and wasteful and they never ask I find it so rude but feel mean if I say anything cos they say stuff like oohh we love coming here you have the best food we dont get this our mummy cant afford it,But the thing is if they ate or drank it that would be ok they just dont they waste it ....I just feel for the sake of harmony not to say anything but I hate it ....His side of the family have no manners and they never ask they just think its ok to do as they please .....After they have been theres never anything left for those of us who do live here! Oh I sound awfully mean but I am not just hate rudeness and bad manners!

Zoflorabore · 18/02/2019 17:33

Another one who has snack drawers in the fridge, one for each dc.
They are very different in their likes and dislikes ( one is a vegetarian and one isn't ) and they know that anything for packed lunches is not in their drawers.
I have a fruit bowl which mostly ends up in the bin and all goodies are on the top shelf of a cupboard in baskets.
Dd (8) doesn't know when to stop so has to be policed but ds ( almost 16 ) is on SW and self regulates and will ask me for anything.

I always offer friends food and drink if they come to our house and often feed the neighbours kids too if I've made a big dish.
My ex sil was obsessed with looking in my fridge. I found it rude.
My fridge is in the pantry across the hall from the kitchen. I've been asked several times by kids why we don't have one!
I am a bit food obsessed though and like to be well stocked, i always have enough to feed random waifs and strays.

longestlurkerever · 18/02/2019 17:37

The DCs' constant snacking annoys me anyway. Just eat the sodding meals I put in front of you and then you might not be so starving all the time. What would yours help themselves to, given free reign? Mine are a bit younger than the girl in the OP but I can't imagine them picking the most nutritious option available.

GreenTulips · 18/02/2019 17:41

Just looked in mine

Easy to tell the steak and sausages are for dinners, yougurts and chocolates are snacks

Can’t see how kids would confuse themselves and accidentally eat the meatballs

ThreeAnkleBiters · 18/02/2019 17:42

The usual etiquette is that visiting DC would ask DC whose house it is for a snack and that'd would get them something (they would know what's fair game and what isn't). When I was a teenager I had mates who were really into rugby and could literally clear out the fridge. One of them could happily munch through the lasagna that was meant for the entire family's dinner. My mum bought some cheap snacks to offer and stuff like pasta and pesto we could cook up but didn't do a free for all. They would have eaten a weekly shop between. Them in one afternoon.

WorraLiberty · 18/02/2019 17:42

I'd annoys me when sil kid moan about being hungry and wait to be offered something by their mother instead of getting up and fixing something for themselves.

That would annoy me too.

Why don't they ask instead of waiting to be offered? Confused

brassbrass · 18/02/2019 17:43

Your own DC helping themselves is very different to a visitor doing it though. Especially a one time visitor as doubt she would get a second invite, she sounds obnoxious Shock!

Bluntness100 · 18/02/2019 17:47

I don't really understand the mindset of your child having to ask for food in their own home, unless there is an eating disorder

I would no more have had my daughter restricted from thr fridge, than my husband or I, and as she had free access she could then chose what or what not to give her friends. She's now 21 and there has never been an issue.

longestlurkerever · 18/02/2019 17:51

The mindset is that I am responsible for ensuring she has a balanced duet, whereas DH and I are adults and in charge of that for ourselves, surely?

NoSquirrels · 18/02/2019 17:54

Easy to tell the steak and sausages are for dinners, yougurts and chocolates are snacks

Can’t see how kids would confuse themselves and accidentally eat the meatballs

But what if the cheese that they eat the block of with crackers was needed to make dinner (lasagne/whatever)

What if the cold sliced chicken breast was needed to make noodles for dinner?

What if the cream cheese was wanted to make a cheesecake?

What if any of the snackier savoury stuff was needed for tomorrow's packed lunch (or the juice boxes, or the crisps, or the yoghurts)?

I just think everyone must have bigger budgets!

blueskiesovertheforest · 18/02/2019 17:54

sillysmiles there's a point between never asking and helping themselves to anything, and waiting passively moaning - they should be asking their mother whether it's ok to help themselves to something.

Otherwise surely the odds on them cooking themselves something intended for a meal or making themselves a substantial sandwich close to a planned meal are high.

highearners · 18/02/2019 17:55

Even DH asks before eating some stuff from the fridge - I (loosely) meal plan (I can't be the only one) and it would be pretty frustrating if someone else (guest or family) ate a key ingredient. Separate shelves does sound a good idea, though we might need a bigger fridge!

blueskiesovertheforest · 18/02/2019 18:03

I have a meal plan (a couple of words maximum per day, except where I need someone else to cook so include a few directions about where to find ingredients) attached to the fridge.

We brainstorm meal requests and who will cook when I'm on lates once per week.

This does help prevent the eating dinner ingredients, but it doesn't altogether avoid it.

My older two are home alone for lunch and for 3-4 hours at least twice a week, so obviously have free access then, and don't go crazy, but somehow the rule about that not including crisps and biscuits introduced itself.

blueskiesovertheforest · 18/02/2019 18:07

DD did once cook and eat 500g of pulled pork intended as savoury pancake fillings though... We were incredulous and didn't believe that she could have eaten all of it and laughed in astonishment, and told her it was intended as pancake filling for 5 people - she was embarrassed and wouldn't do it again, but she was going through a growth spurt! ShockGrin

Original poster
Magnificentbeast · 18/02/2019 18:16

I like the snack drawer in the fridge idea. I'm also happy for DD10 to sort out her own snack it's good practice for when she's home before us when she goes to secondary school.

I do have to monitor snacks though otherwise meals go to waste because they've filled up in between.

My smallest dc is constantly looking for food although she will accept fruit as well as other things.

OP posts: