To be upset over DP's friends comments.

[GracieEllis19]

I've been with my DP who is 29 for three years but known him for over 7. We live together and are TTC at the moment. For background, we live in my DP hometown and his friends are from childhood. I'm 27.

I've always had a good relationship with DP's friends. Would meet them on night outs, invite them over to our place, and have always been welcoming and kind. They have always been friendly to my face.

I've struggled with weight most of my life, and I'm currently a size 14/16, I'm also at the moment doing Slimming World. I used to be a size 10 before university, however DP and his friends have never known me any different. All their girlfriends are size 8/10 if that makes a difference.

Earlier this year, DP asked me to check his phone to see if his mum had text. As i clicked on the home screen, notifications from his group chat popped up- calling me a whale, saying I must crush DP when we have sex, and that they can't believe he'd go out with me- must be ashamed etc. I confronted DP and was upset, and he told me that they are just messing about, but that he does warn them to stop.
He showed me a message from earlier that week, where he'd said enough is enough.

Ever since, I've not felt up to socialising with DP's friends. I did send them a message when it happened saying how hurtful it was, and that I've only ever been nice to them, and they do it without giving me a chance to defend myself. They replied with a half arsed sorry it was only a joke.

DP has been upset the past few months that I won't socialise with his friends. He said that they're sorry, and that it's just 'lad banter' which in my eyes makes it even more vile, and that I can't be upset as I was never meant to see it. He agrees it's wrong, but basically has said he can't Police the group chat and tells them to stop it. I don't feel up to socialising, as I know they will rip me apart in the group chat as soon as I leave.

Flash forward to this week, once again, DP asks me to go put his phone on charge, and once again there are comments about weight and me, calling me porky etc. I got upset again and DP said that he cannot control what his friends say- but always defends me and tells them to shut up etc.

It's really affecting our relationship, I love DP and I know he adores me. We have a lovely relationship, very kissy/cuddly, same life goals, interests, weekends away etc but I feel he's being really weak regarding sticking up for me. I don't know what to do either about future events, as I really can't stand to be in the same room as them, and have refused to invite them to our upcoming wedding- it's causing a lot of friction.

How do i solve this? :(. Apart of me is thinking of ending my relationship, but then they just win!

165 messages in not much more than a couple of hours, all saying pretty much the same thing.

This is probably the biggest warning you're going to get, OP, it's really up to you if you decide to listen to it.

This has nothing to do with your weight, and it's not even really much to do with his 'friends' (though they certainly add to the pretty unsavoury picture painted here - birds of a feather, don't you know!)

This guy is not a keeper.
Three years? It's not that long. It might seem quite long at only 27, but it's not. You've still got a hell of a lot of finding out to do about this guy and it seems that you've just had a pretty big indication of the 'real him'.

Sweetie cuddles are the easy bit. You get on, it's nice, yep fine.

But it's what happens when the chips are down that matters.

He doesn't have your back.

He's weak, and a coward, and is prepared to throw YOU under the bus if it's easier for him.

Is that who you want to choose as the father of your children? As your companion through life? The person you're going to need to rely on 'in sickness and in health'?

His 'friends' have the measure of him. He's the runt of their litter, the one they can pick on because he's too spineless to do anything about it. Bet they wouldn't dare treat others in the group the same. How embarrassing, to be with a man who has such gutter standards when it comes to friends. Absolute loser.

Have a very hard think about what this situation tells you about the character of this man you're about to choose as The One. Because what this tells me is that in another three years, when you've maybe got a toddler and life gets tough or you need support, you're going to bitterly regret overlooking this and throwing your lot in with him.

While you think, do two things.

Stop TTC.

And practice drawing your boundaries, because you're going to need to look after your own heart if you stay with him, because he won't. Tell him in no uncertain terms that his friends are a bunch of fucking shits and no, they won't be at your wedding because you don't intend to see them again.

Don't downplay this, you will live to regret it.

I've put on quite a bit of weight since going back to work after having my baby. I've gone from a size 10 to a 14 since August. No "lads banter" resulted in any of DH's friends making fun of me and I'm fairly certain of they had, they would have less teeth!
Your partner is not being a partner and I would not be having kids with him until he grows up

These stick thin girlfriends of theirs may not stay that way forever and at least you have the smug satisfaction of knowing their relationships are based on the fragile assumption that they'll always be skinny!

I'd imagine these women aren't exactly treated well by them. They sound like complete misogynists and therefore, there will always be something they can use to pick on them.

There's no reason to pick on the OP, she's not a whale, she's a normal woman.

I don't think you can blame your DP for the fact his friends are idiots but you can absolutely blame him for not stopping this as soon as it started.

I'm overweight and I'm pretty sure some of DHs idiot mates think similarly about me BUT they would never say it because DH would tell them where to go without hesitation. He actually did it once when one of his 'friends' made a comment to my face and then told DH to calm me down because he was "only joking" when I called him out on it

Your wedding is coming closer so your DP is going to show you who matters more. He's either going to tell his 'friends' they can't come because they're complete twats to you or he's going to pressure you into accepting the 'banter' and push for them to attend.
I have a feeling it's going to be the latter and that is blatantly saying he cares more about upsetting them than he does about upsetting you.

they sound like a bunch of immature 13 year olds. and no, it is not lad banter. your DP is hugely minimising their behaviour.

Either dump him or get him to dump his friends

Wow! I feel upset for you, they sound like a bunch of nasty bitchy teenage girls. Who actually comments, repeatedly, on their friends partners looks?

You DP should be telling them to all piss off. If he doesn't then I suggest you piss off and go meet someone who will treat you with the respect you deserve.

Does your partner not realise that these people are not his friends? In criticising you they are also criticising his choices. If he doesn't realise that, either he's really not bright or he's so anxious to keep in with the crowd that he's deliberately blocking it out. It may be worth pointing that out to him.

I think the best revenge is to keep at slimming world, and then throw my skinny ass in their faces!

I know you say you’re joking but I don’t think this will even change. This isn’t about revenge on them. They’re doing it because they are getting away with it.

If it’s not your weight it’ll be your face or your teeth or your car or the clothes you wear or the fact they think you’re a slut, or whatever. Do you genuinely believe they’ll respect and like you when you’re two stone lighter? They won’t.

I wish you the best on your weight loss journey but for you. Not for them. What will they say when you’re pregnant and after you have the baby?

This is a PARTNER problem. Not a weight problem or a friend problem.

Relationships are tested when things are not going swimmingly. He has failed the test; he has not stuck up for you enough or shown loyalty.

I think your partner is just as bad as them-actions speak louder than words. I would not be friends with people like that and yet your partner is happy to go along with it.

I am so sorry - I am a 16/18 and if anyone including someone from my husband's family dare make any negative comments about me - my hubby would shut them off completely. You may have some similar values but this is a major one that unfortunately you do not share - respect for you. I'm sorry.

Your DP is a weak excuse for a man. Any decent man would've put a stop to this from the start. In fact, a decent man wouldn't have allowed it to start. Find someone who will reciprocate your loyalty and affection.

Please ditch him op. It's hard enough being overweight without your partner being complicit in the judging from others. He's absolutely in the wrong here. Why do they think this is okay? He's let them.

If you lose the weight and start socializing with them again they'll think you did it for their approval and they were right to make those comments about you because it got you to diet.

You need to cut these toxic people out of your life. If your DP won't stand up for you, he's toxic too, or at the very least he's weak. Do you want a life partner you can't respect?

The thing is your partner has shown himself to be an emotional coward and that is one of the most unattractive qualities there is in my book. It means he won't stick up for you ever. You won't be able to trust him to stick up for your children if you have them. He's spineless.

If I were you I'd have no respect for him at all now. Pathetic manchild going along with what his unfunny mates think (and the "child" part is actually offensive to children. I have a 4 year old who knows that there's nothing funny about calling people fat and she would shut down your DP's sad little friends by telling them that "we don't call people that and it isn't funny").

He just doesn't seem to 'get' that this really, really upsets you. Either he's unbelievably thick-skinned or he seriously doesn't give a rat's arse. But either way, he's not someone I'd want to spend the rest of my life with. Living with someone you don't believe has your back is soul destroying.

I agree with those who have said to stop TTC. You don't want to co-parent with someone who doesn't have your back. And you don't want to be stuck in his town for the next 20 years because you share a child and don't want to move that child away from its father.

You need to have a serious talk with him. Not just a passing one about his mates hurting your feelings, but a calm 'sit-down we need to talk' discussion about trust, having each other's back, and demanding respect for one's partner from one's friends and family. It doesn't matter if he thinks 'it's only banter' (I hate that word), it doesn't matter if he thinks you are being 'sensitive. It doesn't matter if 'they all do it to each other' It. Doesn't. Matter. You don't like it, it's disrespectful, it's putting someone down who isn't there to defend themselves. That's enough reason for him to stop.

BTW, if it's 'just their way' then ask him to show you some other messages where they're taking the P out of someone else's girlfriend for her appearance.

These stick thin girlfriends of theirs may not stay that way forever and at least you have the smug satisfaction of knowing their relationships are based on the fragile assumption that they'll always be skinny!

I don't think there's any need to judge these women or to triumph over them. They're not the problem - their boyfriends are. The boyfriends are tossers and I'd feel sorry for anyone in a relationship with them.

An almost unanimous thread, very rare! I second all those above, my husband would've had strong words them left the group chat at a minimum.
Unless he can see why his behaviour is lacking I don't forsee him having your back when you need him to!

Your “partner” sounds like a wet fish, at best.

Show your partner this thread..x

I'm sad for you that your partner is so lily-livered that he can't stand up to his friends who are so disrespectful towards you - does he not see how disrespectful they are also being to him, because he chose you and loves you?
He is being an utter doormat for them to wipe their foul misogynistic feet upon.

If he chooses to still be "part of their gang" then I don't see that you have much choice except to leave him, because he obviously cares more about them than you and your feelings.

He is weak - this is not a desirable feature in your life partner.

Wow! I feel upset for you, they sound like a bunch of nasty bitchy teenage girls.

Men/boys can be just as "bitchy" as women, except when men are "bitchy" they're likened to women, it's annoying and why the stereotype persists imo

Oh god. Dump, dump, dump! As someone else said: you don't have a weight problem, you have a bf problem.

It's a shitty thing to find out, but at least you know. Information is power. Use it and get away from him.