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Original poster

My (ex) boyfriend says he can't have a relationship because I have children

56 replies

Rosewilliam · 18/02/2019 07:12

Me and my partner have been together a year next week. We were going along very nicely (amazing relationship) he took on my children, played with them, helped them with homework, took them out for dinner, even did the Father Christmas thing!
His dad passed away all of a sudden in October . He has been dealing with grief! In December he said he needed space and we separated. But he keeps coming back, asking about the children. As I said he even filled their sacks are the mince pie and pretended to be Father Christmas! We have been seeing each other for a few months now when the children are at dads.
But now he says he has feelings for me but can't act in them because of the children. It can never go anywhere so he doesn't want to see me anymore!
I don't know what to do! Is it the grief talking still should I stick around and support him or is he an absolute sod and I should walk away now!
Sorry it's long!

OP posts:
PalmTree101 · 18/02/2019 07:17

Not entirely sure why you were letting a new boyfriend play daddy. Way to go giving your children a stable family life...

FlagFish · 18/02/2019 07:18

What does he mean though? Does he mean he doesn't want to take on step kids and wouldn't date seriously any woman with DC? Or does he want kids himself and thinks you won't want any more? Or is he saying it's for the benefit of your DC, and they'll be better off if he wasn't in their lives?

PerryPerryThePlatypus · 18/02/2019 07:21

It sounds like everything moved way too quick. His dad dying could have been a factor in realising this. He's not a sod, he is just being very honest with you.

Hittapotamus · 18/02/2019 07:22

@PalmTree101

Not entirely sure why you were letting a new boyfriend play daddy. Way to go giving your children a stable family life...

The OP is literally above your comment and it clearly states she's been with her partner a year. Hardly 'new'. Judgemental much?

Hollowvictory · 18/02/2019 07:23

He's not a sod. You aren't compatible so let it go.

Fiveredbricks · 18/02/2019 07:23

Why are you letting a new man play daddy after only a few months, especially when they already have a dad they see? Confused

blueskiesovertheforest · 18/02/2019 07:27

He isn't a so, although he's weak and inconsistent if he keeps coming back, he should make up his mind!

Cut ties and move on, wish him well and tell him not to contact you at all unless he's ready to accept that you are part of a package deal.

Whatever it is you're doing now torturing each other with some half arsed pretend play mind games relationship isn't helping anyone.

Next time don't let/ encourage anyone to "take on" your children and play daddy so fast! A year into a relationship is way, way too soon for that - you should only recently have introduced them!

LilaJude · 18/02/2019 07:27

It may be grief, it may be that his dad dying has caused him to reevaluate his life and he doesn’t know what he wants any more. I would give him some time but accept that he may not want this relationship any more.

londonrach · 18/02/2019 07:32

Sounds like his dad dying has made him rethink his life. I suspect he wants his own children and doesnt want the complication of stepchildren and blending family. Hes being honest. You didnt say how long you been together so guessing new relationship (less than a year) so apologises if longer but Op try and not introduce next boyfriend to your children unless you been together some time. Let this one go, hes told you too.

Angrybird123 · 18/02/2019 07:32

Sorry but I'm another who feels it was too much too soon for everyone. If it's a year next week that means it was 10 months at Xmas. That is not long at all. I have been dating a guy for over two years but only very recently has he spent any time at all with my kids and is not in any way going to 'take them on'. Obviously your ex has been through a lot and it's made him rethink things. He's allowed to do that. Unfortunately, it's now not only you but also your kids who will have to deal with the feelings of hurt and rejection. If this is over, please, on the next one think about going much much more slowly.

adaline · 18/02/2019 07:35

The OP is literally above your comment and it clearly states she's been with her partner a year. Hardly 'new'. Judgemental much?

A year is far too early to have introduced another man to your kids to the extent that you're going on holiday as a family, playing Father Christmas to them and essentially acting as their dad. They have a dad - they don't need another!

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 18/02/2019 07:35

Having read and heard all the Step woes I think he is just being very very honest

Let him go . You and kids deserve better and he needs to be happy too

It’s a sad ending

blueskiesovertheforest · 18/02/2019 07:35

londonrach the very first sentence of the openning post states how long they've been together (yes, under a year; she says a year next week but given that they split up in December and are now doing some kind of on-off friends with benefits mind games, live you but can't be with you, semi secretive nonsense I'd say he's an ex she had a 9 month relationship with last year).

Millimollimandi · 18/02/2019 07:43

I have been dating a guy for over two years but only very recently has he spent any time at all with my kids and is not in any way going to 'take them on'

Everyone is different - if I had done that my son wouldn't have met his DSF until we'd been married 6 months! I met and married my husband in 18 months - my DS was 3 when we met and had no contact with his biological father. He is now nearly 30 and not at all traumatised by the fact he met his DSF after a few weeks. Hmm

TortoiseLettuce · 18/02/2019 07:43

It sounds like he’s done his best to accept them but ultimately has come to the conclusion that it isn’t working for him and he doesn’t want to make that effort any more. Perhaps the bereavement has made him think long term and he’s realised being a stepdad isn’t for him. Imo you have to let him go.

Yippeee · 18/02/2019 07:51

I think in new relationships there is the honeymoon period where a man in this situation will make lots of effort but reality does strike at some point.

TeachesOfPeaches · 18/02/2019 07:56

Too much, too soon

Janethevirgo · 18/02/2019 07:56

I’m surprised you even need to ask this, put your kids first and walk away.
How does their actual dad feel about him “taking on your children “

Angrybird123 · 18/02/2019 08:12

milli its lovely that that worked out for you and yes everyone is different but you only have spend 5 mins on the relationship board to see it very often doesn't and I'd rather minimise the risk of my kids being more damaged following their father buggering off when they were toddlers.

LellyMcKelly · 18/02/2019 08:14

He doesn’t want to see you any more because he doesn’t want a relationship with you. Listen to what he is telling you and move on. He’s not the one for you.

JinglingHellsBells · 18/02/2019 08:14

Losing a parent does focus the mind on what you want out of life (I've been through that lately.)

She wasn't letting her boyfriend 'play daddy'- what a stupid comment.

They'd been dating 9 months by last Christmas and he was around and dressed up as Santa- what on earth is wrong with that?

It doesn't make him a 'daddy substitute'!

He's a bloke and he dressed up as Santa.

OP For your own peace of mind it would help if he could say why he wanted to end things.

I assume he is quite young (how old?) and he wants kids of his own (his dad's death might be something to do with this.)

Maybe he feels he doesn't want them with you in a larger family unit- who knows.

I think he owes you a bit more information out of kindness to let you know where he's coming from on this but my guess is he doesn't want to take on another family now reality has hit.

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 18/02/2019 08:19

My friend experienced exactly this. They cut contact only for him to make another go of it in the summer.
They went out for a good few years afterwards.
But I would agree he should be in a relationship with you primarily and as a family friend to your children. As people have said, they have a father.
In you situation, consider it over. Don’t ring him, or suggest he comes round for tea and sympathy. Work on making yourself great and date other people. It’s up to him if he comes back so don’t overthink it.

Original poster
Rosewilliam · 18/02/2019 08:20

He is 40. He has never had children and never wanted children.
He came round Christmas Eve to bring the children's presents that were stored at his house. The children were asleep in bed. He put the gifts in their sacks and spent the evening with me while they were asleep.

OP posts:
TaimaandRanyasBestFriend · 18/02/2019 08:20

You need to walk away. Block him and tell him you need to move on. Next time don't assume everyone you date is a 'partner' and definitely take longer to introduce them to your kids.

TitsAndTomatoes · 18/02/2019 08:21

I think you need to step away and move on.
I think you were also very quick to allow him to be so involved with the kids. Itll be awfully confusing for them. Yes it's sweet but its toying with their feelings. He's allowed to feel this way, he may have felt he'd got in too deep when in reality he doesnt want a blended family and wants one of his own. Step kids and partners exes bring a host of complications that not everyone wants.
You live and you learn. Id probably be a little less hasty introducing a new partner next time.

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