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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My (ex) boyfriend says he can't have a relationship because I have children

56 replies

Rosewilliam · 18/02/2019 07:12

Me and my partner have been together a year next week. We were going along very nicely (amazing relationship) he took on my children, played with them, helped them with homework, took them out for dinner, even did the Father Christmas thing!
His dad passed away all of a sudden in October . He has been dealing with grief! In December he said he needed space and we separated. But he keeps coming back, asking about the children. As I said he even filled their sacks are the mince pie and pretended to be Father Christmas! We have been seeing each other for a few months now when the children are at dads.
But now he says he has feelings for me but can't act in them because of the children. It can never go anywhere so he doesn't want to see me anymore!
I don't know what to do! Is it the grief talking still should I stick around and support him or is he an absolute sod and I should walk away now!
Sorry it's long!

OP posts:

Hollowvictory · 18/02/2019 08:21

Lovely. But he's entitled to change his mind about the relationship

Cazziebo · 18/02/2019 08:30

A year is too soon for he took on my children . Now the children have lost a relationship as well.

And not not a sod, just being honest. Don't look for excuses. Your family is not for him. Better finding that out now than further down the line.

Janethevirgo · 18/02/2019 08:32

jingling it’s not a stupid comment when the op herself states “ he took on my children.

JinglingHellsBells · 18/02/2019 08:38

I don't think joining in with her kids for a few things and even helping with homework is 'being their daddy' or taking them on.

It means he was happy to see them and join in stuff they did as a family.

I think the OP has chosen her words badly. BUT if she did mean she had him lined up as a stepdad, then yes, far too soon.

JinglingHellsBells · 18/02/2019 08:40

I also cringe at people using the word 'partner' when they mean a boyfriend.

Someone is not a partner after barely 9 months of dating when you don't live together.

Original poster

Rosewilliam · 18/02/2019 08:42

No no no! I never wanted him as a step dad! I have told him this! They have a dad. He doesn't want to be their dad! I don't want him to be their step dad.
He just enjoyed the family life. That is what he now finds hard. So i have suggested just us! No children involved for a good few years!

OP posts:

blueskiesovertheforest · 18/02/2019 08:43

JinglingHellsBells she said "he took on my children" - what else does that mean? It's a well known, widely understood if rather old fashioned phrase meaning he took the children on as his own, he took on the dad role. Of course he was playing daddy if he "took on" her children.

Vulpine · 18/02/2019 08:44

I'd tell him to jog on

TwitToWoo · 18/02/2019 09:08

OP - you are backtracking considerably. How was he playing Father Christmas if all he did was visit yiu on Christmas Eve when the kids were in bed?

No - “he took the kids on” means he was playing Daddy which is highly inappropriate given a) they already have a dad and b) the ahort duration of your relationship.

I do not buy this “package deal” business people are always going on about. That’s only true when people are contemplating moving in together or getting married.

Until then there is no reason at all why just because you’re having a relationship with someone that your children have to too.

Seems to me your ex is being responsible. He doesn’t want to “take on” your kids so if you want to carry on seeing him it needs to be just you, not your children too.

adaline · 18/02/2019 09:37

I never wanted him as a step dad! I have told him this!

Then why on earth did you let him play dad to your kids? Going on holiday together after a year, letting him help them with homework, taking them for meals?

After a year, he should still be mummy's boyfriend - maybe coming around for tea occasionally or being there when you take them to the park. There's no need for all the other stuff. Keep it for when your children are with their father.

Sounds to me like he got swept up in it all and now has realised it's not what he wants - that's fine, it doesn't make him a bad person. But next time you need to put your kids first, because they've now lost someone they really care about because the adults in the situation insisted on rushing.

adaline · 18/02/2019 09:39

Everyone is different - if I had done that my son wouldn't have met his DSF until we'd been married 6 months! I met and married my husband in 18 months

And you're lucky it all worked out. Have you not read all the hundreds of threads on here where women have rushed their relationships and introduced the children far too soon, and then man has changed his mind, leaving the children devastated because the man has no obligation to them and has walked away?

TortoiseLettuce · 18/02/2019 11:02

I do not buy this “package deal” business people are always going on about. That’s only true when people are contemplating moving in together or getting married
I don’t see the point of dating someone with kids and only thinking about it if the relationship becomes serious. Surely you’re wasting your time and theirs if you already know you don’t want kids? You should think about it from Day 1 and if you don’t want kids in your life then don’t even bother with the first date.

I never wanted him as a step dad! I have told him this!
But if the relationship progressed he would eventually become a step dad. Ok you might not expect him to do any actual parenting, but the kids will always be around and in his life to some extent, taking up time and money. He obviously doesn’t want that.

QwertyLou · 18/02/2019 11:37

OP, I remember your post in January. You were very single then and lonely. So after splitting with you in December, this guy has still been “coming around” when it suits him... for sex?

He’s made it clear there is no future in the relationship, so you can’t make any demands on him. But he’s showing just enough interest so you’ll have sex with him. If he meets someone else, he will disappear.

OP, he’s using you. Cut him loose.

(If no sex is happening, or he is serious about giving it another try - I might reconsider. Please clarify.)

Original poster

Rosewilliam · 18/02/2019 13:03

Ok there is sex. But he doesn't leave or push me away after sex. We have spent several nights together just like it was when we were first together. We chat (texting and phoning each other) every evening for hours just talking about silly day to day things.
Friday night (our valentines night) we spent the evening together having dinner wine, chatting. Then I slept over and we spent the night cuddling. Just like when we first got together.
So I don't think it is just sex! I think he is struggling to work out what he does want!

OP posts:

WarpedGalaxy · 18/02/2019 13:33

He’s told you he can’t have a relationship because of the kids. Not sure why you are asking if this relationship is worth pursuing in that case. He doesn’t want kids and never has. Where do you think there is room for compromise there? Presumably you’re not prepared to ditch your kids? In the absence of any other options this is a relationship that’s done so draw a line under it and move on.

JinglingHellsBells · 18/02/2019 13:58

@blueskiesovertheforest Mon 18-Feb-19 08:43:21
she said "he took on my children" - what else does that mean?

I think she was using it loosely. I know perfectly well what it means, but in reality she means he 'accepted' her children and didn't mind seeing them.

JinglingHellsBells · 18/02/2019 14:01

It's not 'just' sex in the sense you have sex then he leaves. But it IS just sex because he's made it clear he doesn't want to carry on with a relationship.

How old is he? How old are you?

My gut feeling is he cares for you but- prompted by his dad's death- he realises he may one day want his own kids, to create the father-son thing he had with his dad- doesn't necessarily want a blended family, so you aren't going anywhere.

You need to stop seeing him. This is death by a thousand cuts. Far better to end it once and for all. You are losing your self respect. tell him you will not see him again.

Mmmmbrekkie · 18/02/2019 14:03

He was trying to impress you
Now bored

Quite honestly, a man saying this to me would be the easiest possible break up in history.

Mmmmbrekkie · 18/02/2019 14:04

It sounds like you allowed a LOT of interaction from very early on with your children

Live and learn. Next time be a lot more slower

Mmmmbrekkie · 18/02/2019 14:05

slower

PBo83 · 18/02/2019 14:17

It sounds to me like he was really trying hard with your children and was trying to throw himself into, what he perceived, as 'family life'.

You say that he never wanted children so it's very possible that he's decided, after trying out for the role, that one of 'stepdad' isn't for him (which is ultimately what he would have been if the relationship developed).

Unfortunately it's a bad situation all round but at least he has been honest with you.

WarpedGalaxy · 18/02/2019 14:18

Frankly, OP, the only one struggling to work out what he wants is you. He’s told you what he wants or rather doesn’t want and he’s going through some emotional upheaval following a bereavement so let him be to deal with that. You tried to push him into happy families, you extrapolate him visiting you on Christmas Eve after the kids are in bed and eating a mince pie into him ‘playing Santa’.

Now you seem determined to have a relationship for the sake of having a relationship even to the extent of ‘no child involvement for a few years’. You’re coming across as needy and desperate; you don’t have a DP problem, you have a you problem.

NameChangeNugget · 18/02/2019 14:24

I cannot believe you introduced your children to them this quickly.

Popular rule of thumb on here, is a minimum of two years and you can see why looking at this.

Rushing to play happy families always feels wrong to me. Your children have to come first

idontlikebirthdaycake · 18/02/2019 14:33

But OP DID state how long they were together
"Me and my partner have been together a year next week"

As a Single Mum here, I'd say let him go. The death of his Dad has obviously knocked him for Six. He needs time to be alone, not you and your kids trying to coerce him into playing Happy Families

It's harsh but it's true. I'm sorry for you though, and I wish you all the best

outpinked · 18/02/2019 14:40

Block him and move on. Please think twice before introducing your DC to anyone in the future, they need stability.

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