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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want everyone to assume I'll look after the children?

59 replies

HaveIturnedintoThatParent · 17/02/2019 20:50

DH has some very old and dear friends, who are in many ways absolutely lovely. However, literally every single time we visit or meet up with them, the husband in this family is extremely keen for DH to come and do something else with him, somewhere else. If DH goes, this often leaves me looking after our two young DC in an unfamiliar, non-toddler-proofed house, or trying to do an activity with two small children that is just harder when there's only one adult to two young DC, or where I don't necessarily have equipment which would make it easier to do alone - e.g. swimming, cycling, etc. If DH declines, the friend repeats his request several times over the course of the visit until sometimes it can get a bit tricky. I should say that this friend has children also.

I have no problem with DH doing things with friends; he has a couple of weekends away with friends each year and goes out much more in the evenings than I have the chance to do at the moment, although I'm working on this. I just rather resent the suggestion that I'm the default childcare and that the men are free to spend their day exactly as they please without any discussion about whether this is OK with their other halves, who are now going to be doing all the childcare. DH is now batting off these requests for the men to disappear elsewhere for the day every time we see them, but the intensity with which they are made is starting to feel a bit uncomfortable to me. As DH and I are each 50 per cent responsible for the kids at the weekend, I feel that it's not exclusively his time off to spend as he chooses, any more than it's mine. AIBU?

OP posts:

bibbitybobbityyhat · 17/02/2019 20:54

Yanbu. Sounds like a set up from the 1920s!

Maelstrop · 17/02/2019 20:57

If your DH is on side with you, which he sounds like he is, then set it up so YOU tell his mate no, in a jokey way so it not offense. Ensure your DH resists the ug ug man do men thing bollocks. What is the wife doing while the menfolk dump the womenfolk?

HeathRobinson · 17/02/2019 21:00

Get in there first and invite the wife to do something, leaving the children with the men?

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 17/02/2019 21:00

What's his wife saying at these suggestions? Maybe she's as pissed off about it as you are? Band together and get in there first!!

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 17/02/2019 21:00

Next time say: great, the DC will enjoy a little trip with you two!

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 17/02/2019 21:01

Great minds @heathrobinson

Yesicancancan · 17/02/2019 21:01

Would it matter if you were not quite so literal in the 50/50 rule once in a while? Sounds like a bore to me.

Iloveacurry · 17/02/2019 21:03

Let him go and visit his friend by himself, and you stay at home.

Sexnotgender · 17/02/2019 21:03

YANBU.

Why can you not do an activity that you can all do? You don’t invite a family then only choose to do something with one member.

TheseThingsAreFunAndFunIsGood · 17/02/2019 21:04

Totally agree with drinkfeck - whatever the suggestion say 'oh great you can take the kids they'd love a trip out with their dads!' to Whatever it is. What.ever.
They will definitely struggle to wiggle out of it!

MidniteScribbler · 17/02/2019 21:29

"Great! Mrs DHFriend and I have booked spa days, so the kids will love to spend the day with their dads going fishing. See you at 6." Out the door before another word is said.

marvellousnightforamooncup · 17/02/2019 21:34

Organise the weekend activities in advance so the 'man trip' isn't sprung on you when you arrive. Also team up with the wife for a day out together.

Toomanyspoons · 17/02/2019 21:35

I knew a friend like this. In fact I suspect I know several but I can only definitely pinpoint one. First child born and he would go off all saturday, every saturday; cycling. Second baby arrived and he shortened it to half a Saturday. What a guy. Trouble is, if you don’t stamp it out on the first occasion- you’re doomed. I also loathe the implicit eyebrow raising criticism of “can’t you cope/not a proper mother” if you argue (no sorry correctly restate) that all parents are parents and need to pull their weight. Just tell them (together) that until they understand that dads need to do their share (why is it need not want) you won’t be over.

DanglyBangly · 17/02/2019 21:37

Where’s the friend’s wife in all this?

Papillon45 · 17/02/2019 21:37

My DH has friends like this. They also think that they should go on lads holidays for stag dos and 40ths etc at the expense of going on family holidays. Their wives all work full time and genuinely seem ok with doing all the childcare and housework while their DHs go off doing activities together/going the pub/camping weekends/stags abroad the list goes on. It does not seem to be reciprocated and the women would never expect their DHs to sort the house kids while they did the same. We’re all from the same city, but I’m from an affluent suburb and their from a more inner city area. They’ve all done quite well for themselves and now live in my town 😩 I can’t stand them and their weird pre female liberation views. The thing I loathe the most though is the way they try and goad my DH into going along with their plans when he clearly often doesn’t want to.

Original poster

HaveIturnedintoThatParent · 17/02/2019 21:39

YesIcancancan, when I say that we're splitting the responsibility 50/50, for some activities that really means that we're taking one child each, rather than that we're each responsible for half the day. It's really hard to teach a small child to ride a bike when you also have a toddler in a bike seat on your own bike, for example. Obviously there are some weeks where one of us has a break or does more parenting, but in general, weekends are both of our responsibilities and if one of us wants to opt out of that responsibility, then it requires a chat to see whether the other one of us is ok with that. I wouldn't mind anywhere near as much if it were a day out with his mates which we'd discussed in advance - I could just stay at home and keep the DC entertained quite easily!

OP posts:

PersonaNonGarter · 17/02/2019 21:42

This is a weirdly common set up.

What does his DW think?

Original poster

HaveIturnedintoThatParent · 17/02/2019 21:47

I haven't raised it with her; I'm not sure how to explain my frustration without it sounding like a criticism of their marital arrangements, which I think are probably more traditional than ours. She's a very capable woman and it doesn't seem to bother her as much, although her children are also quite a lot older. I'm not sure whether she would have been annoyed when they were little. Maybe I'm over - reacting due to sleep deprivation!

OP posts:

Sureyouwill · 17/02/2019 22:04

I don't think men necessarily think of the children.

BackforGood · 17/02/2019 22:09

As your dh seems to 'hear' what you are saying, but feels a bit under pressure from his friend, then why not have the conversation (dh and his friend) before you go next time.
Get dh to ask him if this is a weekend for the 2 families to spend time together, or if he (friend) is expecting dh to go off for the day with him, as, if that is the case then it is a different scenario and there isn't any point in you and dc going. Dh needs to spell it out to the friend. "Yes, we can arrange to meet up and do something, just the Dads, occasionally, if you like - obviously around both families diaries - but, if we are coming as a family then I'd rather we spend the time together as a family. You must remember what it is like traveling with 2 little ones and trying to look after them away from home - it's hard work, and well worth it if we are all spending time with you, but a bit difficult for Havel if she's just left on her own all day with both the dc"

You aren't over reacting, but, tbf, it is much easier when the dc are older, so he might have forgotten or might not have had the experiences of juggling 2 small dc in someone else's house on his own

Que0 · 17/02/2019 22:10

OP, I think you may be over-reacting just a little, tbh, but it’s indersyandsble if you’re tired. As you say, he only goes away for two weekends a year - it’s not much. Would it make much difference if he was there really? He probably thinks you’ll just chat to the other woman.

GregoryPeckingDuck · 17/02/2019 22:17

Why don’t you just stop coming along when your DH sees this man?

altiara · 17/02/2019 22:55

Just seems a bit pointless to invite all of you if the friend just wants to socialise with DH. Easier to stay at home with the kids and do what you want to do and have everything to hand.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 17/02/2019 23:08

I don't think men necessarily think of the children.

A rather sexist comment. My DH pisses me off with lots of things but not thinking of his own children certainly isn't one of them!

OP as DH agrees with you why don't you arrange for DH to go with either both or one of the kids ( make an engagement up) just don;t put yourself in that position

Catinthetwat · 18/02/2019 00:59

I couldn't put up with this at all. I can also see how it's hard to get out of once you're there. If we split off when with friends, DC's go with one group for a bit then swap. If this isn't happening and you can't speak up/ or are being ignored, don't go. But make sure you get your turn to go out too obvs.

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