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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want everyone to assume I'll look after the children?

59 replies

HaveIturnedintoThatParent · 17/02/2019 20:50

DH has some very old and dear friends, who are in many ways absolutely lovely. However, literally every single time we visit or meet up with them, the husband in this family is extremely keen for DH to come and do something else with him, somewhere else. If DH goes, this often leaves me looking after our two young DC in an unfamiliar, non-toddler-proofed house, or trying to do an activity with two small children that is just harder when there's only one adult to two young DC, or where I don't necessarily have equipment which would make it easier to do alone - e.g. swimming, cycling, etc. If DH declines, the friend repeats his request several times over the course of the visit until sometimes it can get a bit tricky. I should say that this friend has children also.

I have no problem with DH doing things with friends; he has a couple of weekends away with friends each year and goes out much more in the evenings than I have the chance to do at the moment, although I'm working on this. I just rather resent the suggestion that I'm the default childcare and that the men are free to spend their day exactly as they please without any discussion about whether this is OK with their other halves, who are now going to be doing all the childcare. DH is now batting off these requests for the men to disappear elsewhere for the day every time we see them, but the intensity with which they are made is starting to feel a bit uncomfortable to me. As DH and I are each 50 per cent responsible for the kids at the weekend, I feel that it's not exclusively his time off to spend as he chooses, any more than it's mine. AIBU?

OP posts:

halfwitpicker · 18/02/2019 01:02

Either stay home in the toddler proof home or suggest something in advance to the wife.

If you do stay home, you need a child free weekend too.

thedogattacksthetissuebox · 18/02/2019 02:28

I would just say 'no sorry, this is my weekend too and I don't want to do all the childcare. So if you're going out, you'll need to take the kids.'

Or I just wouldn't go.

Margot33 · 18/02/2019 03:40

I wouldn't go. But I'd make it clear that he's having the kids the next day to make it fair.

BogstandardBelle · 18/02/2019 03:50

DH often goes out with a friend for the day, maybe 6 times a year, to do a shared hobby thing (not cycling!) and his wife and I will stay home with the children. The difference is that his wife and I are really good mates, our children get on very well and we make a great day of it with lunch, play, gossip and board games. In your case OP, if you aren’t good friends with the other wife, i would just stay hone and let yr DH have a day with his mate.

pissedonatrain · 18/02/2019 04:06

Sounds terrible tbh. You go away for a visit and here you are still doing all the childcare. I just wouldn't go anymore as it doesn't sound fun for you at all.

MyBaa · 18/02/2019 04:51

Why doesn't your husband meet his friend without you? That's what I'd suggest. My DH has a couple of friends I just don't like...or don't like their wife...he sees them without me.

mediumbrownmug · 18/02/2019 04:54

My dad is like this (same with my BIL). My DH has been dragged in on many occasions, so we had to put a stop to it as well. Could your DH just tell his friend that no, he'd rather stay put to help you with the children? It's worked fine for us. When pressed that "Medium can watch them", DH just shrugs and says yeah but I want to, too (or, it takes us both at this age, etc.). If it gets awkward, fine. We aren't the ones being weird!

Bumpitybumper · 18/02/2019 05:55

YADNBU and I am shocked by PP who suggest otherwise.

Every family obviously operates differently and I imagine lots of parents have reciprocal agreements where they alternate taking time away from the kids to enjoy leisure activities on their own or with their friends. Nothing wrong with this, but that clearly isn't the case here as OP generally doesn't get the same the childfree opportunities as her DH.

Also sadly I think a lot of women want to be "cool wives" that don't restrict their DH's leisure activities as this will cause friction in the relationship and they don't want others to judge them as being difficult/boring. I think it's still depressingly common for men to be afforded more leisure time than women and for the assumption to be that women are the default childcare/homemaker. Even some of the responses on this thread imply this with posters asking what's the big deal or questioning why things have to be fair .

If I were OP I would be telling the DH that I won't be facilitating this activity as it makes things difficult for everyone else in the family. If he was absolutely desperate to go then I would be making sure that he committed to facilitating a similar opportunity for OP and that this was booked in the diary to make sure it does happen.

emilybrontescorsett · 18/02/2019 06:07

Id either do as Backforgood suggested, or tell dh you are not going as what is the point?
Of heroes go alone, then make it clear this is his free time and you will be having the next weekend ( or whenever is suitable) as your free weekend.
When you put it like this your dh might not be keen to go.

AgentJohnson · 18/02/2019 06:09

Isn’t no in your H’s vocabulary? His friend isn’t the problem, it’s your H’s ability to say one thing and do another that is.

Juells · 18/02/2019 06:47

TBH I don't know why you're going along. As PP have said, let him go alone, then the next weekend will be 'his' for looking after the children.

It all sounds ridiculously palsy walsy anyway, for adults who have small children. The men go off for the day and leave two wives (who presumably aren't close friends) together for the day child-minding? FFS. I'd have done anything to get out of that situation.

Snowflakes1122 · 18/02/2019 06:57

I wouldn’t go. It sounds like these visits are just for your dh and his friend to get together.

Why tag along to be bored? Arrange something fun with the kids.

Just make sure you get to visit your friends childfree too

Rosered341 · 18/02/2019 07:31

Hmm, sounds to me like the friend wants a jolly day out with his mate without any wingeing kids hampering it?
You are both right to push back, I think your dh needs to ask in advance if the friend is planning anything on their own, and if so you stay behind at home (or say he can’t make it).
I hate all this ‘men bugger off to the pub and leave the wife & Kids at home’ stuff.

bundesdelboy · 18/02/2019 07:53

I think it sounds like the friend doesn't need to think about his kids (because his wife is doing it all, she's doing all the mental load/default parent) and when he hears differences in setups... He either doesn't like it (so, undermines it) or simply doesn't care. Not sure which is worse.

Sounds like the sort of setup where if he takes on actual co-parenting responsibility he'll use phrases like "helping" with the kids (vom).

Honestly, I'd not get into defending yourself in this situation - either push back on it bluntly since your DH appears to be a proper team player ("hey Bob, if you & DH go off to do that cycle ride all morning, wife and I will be popping out to enjoy that walk all afternoon - does 1pm or 1.30pm work better to hand over the kids to you?" / "You're off Bob? DH said this was a weekend for us all, if it's just solo childcare I won't be coming next time").

Then do it.

Don't try and change this man / his wife setup, you'll end up putting your DH in an awkward situation where you're attacking the friends setup.

But that does not mean you have to accept it meekly as part of your weekend either - challenge it for change and explain why X doesn't work for you, or opt out.

(This reminds me of dinner parties I've been to where all the women in the group clear up/help the hostess while the men walk off to chat - I'm all for helping but refuse to do it when I know the host and DH is the plus one and when I'm also the plus one, it's like an undercurrent air of unacknowledged sexism even in a fairly young 40s-50s "liberal" crowd, it's BS)

MortyVicar · 18/02/2019 08:43

She's a very capable woman and it doesn't seem to bother her as much, although her children are also quite a lot older.

But if you're the ones doing the visiting, it means she's in her own home, which is also easier.

Do they ever come to you? If they do, what happens?

Butterymuffin · 18/02/2019 09:37

Your DH needs to be the one tackling this. He seems to be very passive in just going along with his mate even though he sees that it's unfair on you. He should be saying 'listen, mate, we've come away for a family weekend so I don't want to just dump the kids on HaveITurned - let's do something all together'. Get him to step up.

ThreeAnkleBiters · 18/02/2019 09:43

Me and DH have the rule that if we're with people who are predominantly one of our friends/family the other person is default childcare so whichever one of us can catch up with the friend. It's equal as he'll do the same for me. This seems quite a common arrangement so I don't think the friend is necessarily assuming you're on childcare duty as the wife but it's fairly normal surely for old friends to have some time to catch up and do stuff without their families in tow?

It's always more of a challenge looking after young kids in an unfamiliar house (especially once without young kids living in it) but I would just go as prepared as possible.Obviously if you're visiting for the weekend he shouldn't be off for the entire weekend (or he may as well just go for a catch up alone) but surely if these are old friends of DH it's expected you'll be on childcare duty more than DH?

Original poster

HaveIturnedintoThatParent · 18/02/2019 14:14

Threeanklebiters, once we would probably have done the same. In recent years, however, we've tended to spend more time with DH's friends than mine - not because he is being difficult about it or anything, but mainly just because on the whole, DH's friends live nearer us and also more of them have kids. My friends are still mostly in London and spend their weekends in nice restaurants and don't necessarily want to hang out with very little ones. I can't understand why. :)

As a result, if we employed that rule, I'd unfortunately spend every single weekend on sole childcare duty...

OP posts:

oh4forkssake · 18/02/2019 14:21

Don't go. Just don't go.

DH and I visited friends of his twice where this happened. I won't go back. Every so often DH suggests it (in fairness they do live in a really beautiful spot and I would objectively absolutely be up for going) and I remind him of our last two visits. I just won't go.

He gets it.

RoyalChocolat · 18/02/2019 14:57

YANBU.
Whether it is for work or to visit his family abroad, DH assumes I am the one looking after the children at weekends or during the holidays.

If I say something, I am a bad mother - how dare I suggest that looking after my own flesh and blood is a chore!

In your particular situation I would not go. It would be easier to look after your DCs at home.

ThreeAnkleBiters · 18/02/2019 15:06

Fair enough sounds more like his friends have now become your friends in which case you shouldn't be the default nanny! I'd just not go with him to that particular friend's house. He can go alone and another time you can have a lovely day out in London at nice restaurants while he takes the kids.

RiverTam · 18/02/2019 15:10

isn't this because they are his friends? If we visit friends/family of DH I expect to do the lion's share, and vice versa if it's friends/family of mine.

sorry - just seen your last post. But you're still referring to them as his friends. I think this is all a mindset thing, in a way.

Or you could just be less sociable? I find that works well ...

Juells · 18/02/2019 15:42

Stay at home and relax. Or let him take the children with him, the visits would peter out

MyDcAreMarvel · 18/02/2019 15:46

I think you are being a bit wet tbh , I have a ratio of five to one with my little kids , older two would probably stay at home. Why can’t you spend time with his wife and your two children?

Original poster

HaveIturnedintoThatParent · 18/02/2019 17:08

MyDCareMarvel, with the greatest of respect, I would feel extremely uncomfortable giving each of my children (the youngest of whom is just turning 18 months) one fifth of my attention in a place with an open fire, very steep and slippery stairs, small lego pieces belonging to the host's older children etc, or where they were as yet unconfident on bikes or in water. Everyone has their own views on what is safe or not safe to do with their own children but wherever your boundaries lay, it is quite stressful when you are placed in a position where it is hard to adhere to them. If that makes me wet, then that's completely fine. I will of course bow to your superior parenting if you can manage all of these issues with five children - that's pretty impressive, but I suspect, fairly uncommon. Most of us are just mere mortals, unfortunately.

OP posts:

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