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Original poster

To be annoyed at MIL pressuring us to announce pregnancy?

56 replies

Bananayog · 17/02/2019 13:37

NC for this. Wasn’t sure whether to post this in AIBU or pregnancy!
DH told me his mother was saying we have to start telling people, (we are 17weeks), because people will find it “odd” that one minute everything’s normal the next we are having a baby in a few months, and that she feels awkward that she can’t tell her family members.
Without going into detail we have personal reasons to leave it as late as possible, have only told our respective parents and I’ve told my manager so I can attend appointments. I’m not showing and have no obvious symptoms so as far as me and DH are concerned we are perfectly happy with our secret until we feel it’s the right time! I was personally aiming for at least after the 20 week scan, maybe a few weeks more if I can get away with it.
Just wanted a rant really, feel so p**d off that she feels it’s ok to give her opinion and make my DH feel we’re doing wrong. Who the hell cares if we don’t announce til later? No one will be put out and if anything makes the “waiting” shorter for everyone else! I know she wants to share the news with her family (siblings cousins etc) but I want to scream! It’s OUR news to share when we feel safe to do so and I haven’t even told my best friends yet! Nor my own siblings!
deep breaths

OP posts:
randomsabreuse · 17/02/2019 13:40

Most of my friends seem to announce at around 20 weeks, we basically told people as we saw them and it was often very obvious. 1 group of friends knew at 8 weeks because I wasn't drinking in a situation where I normally would... definitely not weird to wait!

MsVestibule · 17/02/2019 13:44

Of course it's completely up to you when you tell people, but 20 weeks seems very late to me. Everybody I know has announced it soon after the 12 week scan and normally told close family and perhaps a couple of friends before that. I have worked with 100s of people since the late 80s and I can't think of one who left it that late.

Do you think she'll continue to keep it quiet?

lellowdinolaur · 17/02/2019 13:47

YANBU the less people know the better in my opinion.

I felt so sorry for my lovely SIL who had to have an amniocentesis after some concerning results and people were asking her extremely personal questions relating to it, that she didn't even know the answers to herself yet. She had a couple of people give very strong and forceful opinions on the matter. It was awful for her and her DH.

Thankfully everything was fine, but it really added to the stress of their situation and she said in hindsight she wished she hadn't told anyone until much later in the pregnancy.

Good luck op and I hope all goes well for you x

NotSorry · 17/02/2019 13:47

his mother was saying we have to start telling people

you don't HAVE to do anything - what she means is "I want to start telling people"

I don't know why PP thinks it's late - it's your pregnancy, do what you are comfortable with

WhatchaMaCalllit · 17/02/2019 13:48

I wouldn't be surprised if she (your MiL) has already let the cat out of the bag to her friends, so even though you haven't made an announcement, she probably has and said to them "Don't let on that I've told you. Act surprised".

It is entirely your (you and your DH) decision when you want to announce it.

Congratulations btw!

Alsohuman · 17/02/2019 13:48

A secret is only a secret until you tell someone. If I was prepared to tell one person, I’d tell everyone. Presumably MiL is excited and wants to share the good news.

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 17/02/2019 13:49

You have reasons to want to wait until 20 weeks (assuming you want the scan out of the way). That's not even half way through. It's not even 2 months from the first scan. It's not like you're waiting until your due date. Your dh needs to firmly tell her to back off.

EwItsAHooman · 17/02/2019 13:50

It's entirely up to you when you tell people and she should accept that. My MIL told loads of people when I was pregnant and I was only 6wks, DH told her that we understood she was excited but it wasn't her news to tell and she had to stop. Next pregnancy she did the same again and DH told her that next time we wouldn't tell her until we were ready for people to know, the whole thing was made worse by the fact I had a MC so I had people who knew about the pregnancy but not the MC asking me pregnancy questions. Next pregnancy and, true to our word, we didn't tell her until we were ready for people to know which was around 17wks. She was very annoyed that we'd kept her in the dark but had no one to blame but herself.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 17/02/2019 13:50

But it isn't her news to tell. ...
Beware this could be the start of her lack of boundaries.....

TheFaerieQueene · 17/02/2019 13:51

She can think what she likes but it is irrelevant. This is your decision not hers.

ambereeree · 17/02/2019 13:52

I don't understand people who feel a burning desire to announce a pregnancy. Especially one that's not even their own.
Don't be pressured into telling people. What difference does it make to people?

Heatherjayne1972 · 17/02/2019 13:53

One of my friends didn’t even tell her own mother until she was in labour!
Do what you think is right op

caughtinanet · 17/02/2019 13:54

Entirely up to you, if there's a next time don't tell anyone until you're comfortable to, no one has a right to know. No normal person is going to think it's off that you haven't told them imo.

sweetpeach91 · 17/02/2019 13:55

I'd probably try and tell everyone as late as possible to see how long I could fool people and then it doesn't feel like as long of a wait with people asking about the baby all the time!Grin

But yeah most people tell at 11/12 weeks I've found.

Billben · 17/02/2019 13:57

As soon as I see “pressuring” or “demanding” in the post title, my blood pressure goes up.

Put your foot down and sort your MIL out. This is YOUR pregnancy and YOUR future child. She’s got no say in the matter.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 17/02/2019 13:59

She is probably just excited, to her it's just some great news she wants to shout about! But it's totally your decision and she should not at all be pressuring you to tell people before you're ready. Nobody would think it odd and even if they did, so what? If you tell them after 20 weeks they will still have over 4 months to 'get used to it' which is more than enough for someone else's pregnancy!!

Stick to your guns, because if she gets her way on this then she might interfere in other things. I waited til 17 weeks ish to announce, I just wanted to get my head around it first.

bullyingadvice2017 · 17/02/2019 14:00

Your husband needs to have your back on this.

Twickerhun · 17/02/2019 14:02

Stand your ground and try not to let the pressure from her bother you.

It’s for reasons like this that we delayed telling my mother in law. She would have told loads of people right away and then complained that we wouldn’t officially let her tell people.

flumpybear · 17/02/2019 14:03

Just tell her no - get used to putting up these boundaries if she's that bloody pushy Angry
Your news to share when you're ready

Snipples · 17/02/2019 14:04

I don't think it is strange to hold off until much later these days tbh. I didn't tell anyone until 16 weeks. A few friends of mine waited until after the 20 week mark. It's not weird at all. It's noones business. Just wait until you are ready OP. And congratulations!

ohfourfoxache · 17/02/2019 14:04

Your pregnancy, not hers.

Tell her to butt the fuck out

Alsohuman · 17/02/2019 14:06

Why on earth do people share so much with their families? All this could be avoided if you just tell everyone at the same time.

Jenny17 · 17/02/2019 14:08

It's only 3 weeks or so for MIL to wait!

AldiProsecco · 17/02/2019 14:09

If you're 17 weeks you'll show soon so tell her that in two weeks she can tell people. Even with a first I'd be surprised if you didn't show at 19 weeks.

I can see both sides, it's so annoying when other people try to take control of your news but it's also very 'precious' to control its release.

TwoRoundabouts · 17/02/2019 14:10

@MsVestibule my partner has one child with disabilities I wasn't going to delibrately bring into the world another one if I could help it. Hence I didn't tell most people who wouldn't have understood until I had my 20 week scan.

On the other hand some friends' of mine have had miscarriages up to that point. Again they didn't tell everyone until they are passed that stage.

It is common courtesy amongst many but not all my family but certainly all my friends to ask the person telling them if they are allowed to mention it to everyone.