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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at MIL pressuring us to announce pregnancy?

56 replies

Bananayog · 17/02/2019 13:37

NC for this. Wasn’t sure whether to post this in AIBU or pregnancy!
DH told me his mother was saying we have to start telling people, (we are 17weeks), because people will find it “odd” that one minute everything’s normal the next we are having a baby in a few months, and that she feels awkward that she can’t tell her family members.
Without going into detail we have personal reasons to leave it as late as possible, have only told our respective parents and I’ve told my manager so I can attend appointments. I’m not showing and have no obvious symptoms so as far as me and DH are concerned we are perfectly happy with our secret until we feel it’s the right time! I was personally aiming for at least after the 20 week scan, maybe a few weeks more if I can get away with it.
Just wanted a rant really, feel so p**d off that she feels it’s ok to give her opinion and make my DH feel we’re doing wrong. Who the hell cares if we don’t announce til later? No one will be put out and if anything makes the “waiting” shorter for everyone else! I know she wants to share the news with her family (siblings cousins etc) but I want to scream! It’s OUR news to share when we feel safe to do so and I haven’t even told my best friends yet! Nor my own siblings!
deep breaths

OP posts:
Notasunnybunny · 17/02/2019 14:13

Completely up to you, you will probably find it tough to keep it under wraps much beyond 20 weeks as those little beasties have a habit of growing and fast. One minute your jeans are a bit snug and all of a sudden you resemble a weeble, even your face will start to change shape pretty soon.

BlueMerchant · 17/02/2019 14:14

On no....the interfering is starting already...
Set boundaries quickly and forcefully.

RelaisBlu · 17/02/2019 14:14

Why did you tell her early? It's so much easier if you tell absolutely no-one until you are ready, then tell everyone at the same time

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/02/2019 14:15

It's not "precious" to want to wait until 20 weeks and after the anomaly scan, if that's something that could be of concern to the OP - she hasn't said, but has indicated that she wants to wait until then.

MIL should back off - I also reckon she's told people and has told them to keep it quiet and not let you know that they already know.

My MIL casually announced to her family that I had a MC at 9w, I was pretty damn cross about that! I know it's nothing to be ashamed of, and I wasn't, but it was also my private news and her wider family had absolutely no need to be told of it.

Cornettoninja · 17/02/2019 14:17

but it's also very 'precious' to control its release

It’s not at all. I can think of a few reasons to wait till after twenty weeks not least because if any abnormalities were detected at that point I would want to be able to make any decisions necessary without external pressures.

Pregnancy for me was like a second puberty on speed with all the body changes and hormones. I felt really private about it all and odd when people discussed my body - which they do, all the time when you’re pregnant.

Women should absolutely be in control of who knows when about their pregnancies.

MsVestibule · 17/02/2019 14:21

Without going into detail we have personal reasons to leave it as late as possible

@tworoundabouts I have to admit, I missed this bit of the OP and I fully understand that some people have reasons like yours to not tell people until after all of the health checks and anomaly scan are complete but IME, most people don't leave it that late, so it is unusual to me. It doesn't mean they're right or wrong, just very different to all of my friends and everybody I've ever worked with.

Of course it's completely up to the individual to choose when they announce their pregnancy but if I was going to wait until after 20 weeks, I just wouldn't tell anybody earlier, including family - generally speaking, people are not good at keeping secrets for too long!

cuppycakey · 17/02/2019 14:24

I think your mistake was telling some people and not others.

You will just have to hope she keeps her gob shut for the next three weeks and avoid her as much as possible in that time.

Birdie6 · 17/02/2019 14:25

One of my friends didn't tell anyone at all ! She just wore concealing clothes, had the baby and then told everyone. So no it's not "too late to tell". It's up to you when you tell , it's not MIL's baby and not her right to spill the beans.

Londonmummy66 · 17/02/2019 14:38

Get your DH to tell her that if she continues to pressurise you, she will be the last to know next time....

SassitudeandSparkle · 17/02/2019 14:44

It sounds as if your MIL has made one comment - that's not pressuring IMO! Of course she wants to share the good news. I didn't confirm my own pregnancy until quite late on so I see where you are coming from there, but we simply didn't tell anyone until later on and tbh, a lot of people had already noticed the evidence!

Muddysnowdrop · 17/02/2019 14:50

She’s a MIL so must be in the wrong, rather than merely excited.
It is unusual to wait till 20+ weeks to tell your best friends and siblings. It just is. That doesn’t mean you can’t do it, but there is no point painting your mil as an enemy when she just wants to talk to people about becoming a grandmother. Why not give her a date - three weeks to go or something. It also gets a bit silly when you don’t tell when it will be clear to many people that you are pg. There are plenty of threads on here complaining that the grandparents don’t show much enthusiasm for their dgcs - I wonder why.

Aridane · 17/02/2019 14:54

Why on earth do people share so much with their families?

DP telling his mother that his wife is pregnant is hardly over sharing!!

DontCallMeCharlotte · 17/02/2019 14:55

But it isn't her news to tell. ...

True.

Beware this could be the start of her lack of boundaries.....

I hardly think her wanting to tell people at 17 weeks is overstepping the mark. Does she understand your reasons for keeping it quiet?

My DH was so chuffed, he couldn't keep it quiet and told people at about 7 weeks. When I lost it at 12 weeks, everyone was so lovely, it actually helped.

Loopytiles · 17/02/2019 14:55

DH should deal with this and tell MIL to keep her views, and the information, to herself.

MRex · 17/02/2019 14:56

She probably doesn't understand why you have concerns, rather than getting angry try talking to her so that she understands. She's your MIL, she's in your life for better or worse so the better you can understand each other the easier things will be in the future. Most people are happy to say something after the 12 week scan, if you want to wait until after the 20 week scan then tell her that. If she has a date in mind then it should help. We told close family and a couple of work colleagues who needed to know at 12 weeks, the rest at 20 weeks, and we didn't tell all and sundry until he was born. My family were excited and particularly keen to tell wider family and friends, but I asked them to hold off until after the 20 week scan confirmed everything was ok and then let them break the news to various others. I think they rather enjoyed saying they'd known for months in the end.

Alsohuman · 17/02/2019 14:56

It is if they complain because she wants to tell other people. Tell all or none.

Mirime · 17/02/2019 14:56

Yanbu, and I say that as someone who ended up telling people a lot earlier than I would have liked because I was so sick - had to tell (she guessed actually) my line manager at five weeks, as there was painting being done outside the office and I couldn't stay, in laws, including BIL and GP-in law knew at 8 or 9 weeks as we were on holiday with them, and so on.

If you want to wait and are able to as symptoms aren't giving you away, do it. Not up to someone else, it's just between you are your DH.

Divgirl2 · 17/02/2019 14:58

I didn't tell my own dad I was pregnant until I was 26 weeks, didn't tell my boss until 23, didn't tell my colleagues until about 32 (although how they didn't guess I don't know - I was waddling around the office).

Your body, your baby, your news.

elliejjtiny · 17/02/2019 15:03

I had a problem detected at my 20 week scan with one of my dc. Not life threatening but life changing and I was upset. With my next baby I didn't tell anyone until after my 20 week scan.

Muddysnowdrop · 17/02/2019 15:03

I didn’t tell one of my dc until I was 35 weeks (he just thought I was fatter than usual) - but listing how late we told isn’t really answering the OP’s issue. I hope you get good news at your scan OP and can enjoy the rest of your pg (and enjoy some of the attention of being pg - it doesn’t happen so much if you have a subsequent child I found!)

Wakk · 17/02/2019 15:05

I agree that she's told people and wants you to before it gets out that they already know.

Original poster
Bananayog · 17/02/2019 15:07

Thanks everyone for your views. To clear a few things up - she knows our reasons for not telling anyone besides our own parents, as they were explained to her when we told her! Main one is wanting to make sure everything’s ok after the anomaly scan due to concerns earlier on in the pregnancy but also other reasons I won’t go into here. She already has 5 grandchildren from SIL and BIL (haven’t told them either). I understand her wanting to share the news but it’s disrespectful imo given that we asked her not to tell anyone and explained why we would be keeping it to ourselves as long as possible Hmm

OP posts:
MumUnderTheMoon · 17/02/2019 15:32

YANBU pregnancy is a medical condition and as far as I'm concerned you don't have to share your private medical business with anyone.

AldiProsecco · 17/02/2019 15:44

Yeh, waiting for the anomaly scan when you have good reason to need that reassurance before announcing is something she should understand!

Loopytiles · 17/02/2019 15:45

Even if you hadn’t disclosed your reasons she’d be U to break your confidence and disclose your pregnancy, and / or make repeated, negative comments about having been asked to keep it quiet.