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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Overweight DH eating everything in sight

79 replies

YouToMeAreEverything · 17/02/2019 13:02

AIBU?

I love my DH and want him to be happy and healthy for himself and our family.

The problem is that he is about 5 stone overweight, according to him, it could well be a little more. He does no exercise other than walking to where he needs to go (maybe 2-4 miles on weekdays), going to and from work and then around the office etc. He eats obscene amounts. I've just seen him make lunch and he's opted for baked beans on toast topped with an enormous pile of noodles. Little to no nutrient value there! Just looking at it made me feel physically sick. I said nothing as what good would it do, right when he's about to eat it?

We've talked about trying to get healthier before, and even talked about it again yesterday having gone for lunch at a health food cafe (which he loved, but could have eaten the whole menu for lunch). I'm no skinny mini and would like to loose a stone of baby weight that still hasn't shifted, but it seems even if I try to lead by example (no alcohol / chocolate / crisps in the house etc) he just bypasses it and eats really badly when at work. I cook healthy food, helped by having a 2yr old who needs a decent amount of veg etc, we mainly have what she has, but once she's gone to bed he'll crack open the beers or crisps he's bought.

What can I do?

It's not just about his health, although it mainly is. I don't feel attracted to him anymore as he is just so overweight and lazy with it; no exercise, constantly on the computer games. I love him dearly but something has to give. Even his family (who are real health lovers) have tried to talk to him about it before as we're all worried he's going to kill himself going this way. He's 35 and when we got together 10 years ago was a good 4 stone lighter and all muscle. We haven't had sex for months as the thought of it is just off putting right now. He craves affection which I try to give as I do love him, but I'm just so grossed out by his greed and size.

OP posts:

ChasedByBees · 17/02/2019 13:06

How does he feel about it?

CountessVonBoobs · 17/02/2019 13:08

Other than being honest with him about the effects on you and the fact that your relationship is at stake, there really is nothing you can do. Nagging or criticising will do nothing except increase your mutual resentment and quite possibly make him eat more.

Think of something you do that you know you probably shouldn't. How would you respond if someone was on your back about it a lot? ....yeah. he will be the same. Nothing will change in his health, diet, exercise until he changes it for himself. All you can do is keep yourself healthy and be honest in your communication with him.

BarbedBloom · 17/02/2019 13:09

The problem is that only he can decide to make the change and it doesn’t sound like he wants to, even knowing the health implications and potential danger to his marriage.

Cheby · 17/02/2019 13:09

It doesn’t sound like you love him or are worried about his health. You’re disgusted by his size? Wow.

Cookmysock1 · 17/02/2019 13:16

People pussyfoot around this issue so much, youll get told if you say anything you're fat shaming
He should feel shame at deliberately digging his own grave with a knife and fork and making himself unattractive and unhealthy, I would be telling him in no uncertain terms
Sometimes it's a kick up the arse and dose of reality that's needed

ItWentDownMyHeartHole · 17/02/2019 13:18

Cheby you arse.

OP I think you have to talk to him about this. All of it. I bet his desperation for affection is linked to you two not having sex at the moment. You clearly love each other but he’s got real issues. You need to say. And keep on saying.

Or else be desperately worried about saving his hurt feelings rather than keeping him from dying young...

Original poster

YouToMeAreEverything · 17/02/2019 13:19

@chasedbybees he says he wants to be thinner, but hates talking about it/going shopping/talking about clothes/even wearing nice clothes, to an extent. I don't think he realises how unhealthy he's become tbh.

OP posts:

Treble9 · 17/02/2019 13:22

Not helpful Cheby. Don't shame her for being honest about her feelings.

OP, this is a tricky and sensitive situation. Usually, there will be a root cause/reason for this sort of thing and eating/engaging in unhealthy behaviours is just a manifestation.

So some questions......
Is he bored? Is he depressed? Is he educated on nutrition? Has he ever had any health problems? Does he or did he have hobbies? Would he go to the GP for a health mot? Has he got too comfortable?

You probably need to have a serious discussion with him when you are both calm and relaxed, and whilst you do need to tell him how you feel you also need to acknowledge how he is currently feeling and what he will feel as a consequence.

Instead of thinking "gross" or "lazy" try to reframe it - what is happening in his head to have led to these behaviours? He hasn't always been like this so what is it about his life that's changed?

WickedWytch · 17/02/2019 13:23

I took photographs of my dh playing on the beach with the kids. Usually he’s the one behind the camera and he was shocked when he saw them. Up to then he’d been dieting half heartedly and splurging for every and any reason at all. Nothing I did made any real difference until he decided for himself.
It’s scary watching someone you love eating themselves to an early death.

FiveRedBricks · 17/02/2019 13:40

If he craves affection but you wont give it then he is in a comfort eating cycle. One has to give for the other to happen so you have to explain to him, bluntly that you love him but if he carries on you wont be attracted to him any longer and that you don't want that to happen as much as he doesn't.

Intohellbutstayingstrong · 17/02/2019 13:40

It doesn’t sound like you love him or are worried about his health. You’re disgusted by his size? Wow

Oh FFS..... always one twatty response. Peop[le are perfectly able to love someone nut lose attraction for whatever reasons. Jesus Christ there really are some arseholes on here just waiting to jump on posters for whatever fucking reason.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 17/02/2019 13:41

OP can you get him off the sofa and out for a long walk? Tell him you would like to spend some time with him, talking, and that you'd like it to be a regular thing. If he can exercise it will at least slow down his weight gain.

Juells · 17/02/2019 13:43

Cookmysock1
He should feel shame at deliberately digging his own grave with a knife and fork

Love that expression

19lottie82 · 17/02/2019 13:43

Obviously he is overweight but, walking 2-4 miles a day is more than most people do, and for a man I wouldn’t say that lunch is too calorific, although it could be healthier!

19lottie82 · 17/02/2019 13:44

The beer and crisps in the evening is most likely the killer here!

VietnameseCrispyFish · 17/02/2019 13:56

You’re just gonna have to be brutally honest OP. Cos your marriage is dying anyway already.

“Husband, I love you, but at the size you’ve gotten to I am no longer attracted to you. I’m worried about the health risks you’re storing up for the future, and the message it will give our children to see the relationship you have with food as one of their role models. I believe we can get things back, but not if this continues. What are your thoughts on the future of our marriage the way things are?”

And then be quiet. See what he thinks. Whether he is willing. How he reacts once the shock wears off. I imagine he’s likely to call you a hypocrite if you have a stone you want to lose but haven’t yet, so prepare for that. If you’re serious about it get on MyFitnessPal and start reducing your calories and it’ll model for him what he needs to be doing, if he wants to.

I can understand someone doing what he’s doing if they’re single, hell I can understand it if he’s married as long as he realises that people often lose attraction when a partner changes rapidly from how they were when you fell in love, and that he isn’t guaranteed a wife for life even if he lets himself go. But with young kids it’s just not on, he owes it to them surely to keep even a moderate eye on his health so he’s around for their futures and raising them in a healthy way. I think most people would feel the way you do OP, even if you’ll get the odd person crying ‘fat shaming!’ and making out like you should stay with him even if he piles on 20st or gets a face full of tattoos or changes his appearance very significantly! But you’re not wrong to feel like this and it’s good you’re being honest and want to work on it before it’s too late.

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 17/02/2019 13:58

I wouldn’t focus on how he looks or the fact greed is not an attractive quality.

Maybe focus on his health, risk of heart attack stroke etc. Get his bloods tested, BP etc.
Send him on a health holiday somewhere lovely. You can shift nearly a stone in two weeks. Might inspire him to change.

He’s eating for a reason though and you’ll have more success if you can change that.

QueenieInFrance · 17/02/2019 14:03

I am 5 stone overweight and if someone had been on my back to tell me what I should or shouldn't eat, I would have done exactly what your DH is doing.
He is the only person that can change and decide to eaten a different way.
It also looks like he needs some support, someone to guide him in eating in a different way. But thb, I suspect he isn't going to change unless he has a REASON to do it (eg pain etc...)
Telling him you are not attracted t him anymore would sound like fat shaming if my partner had said that to me.

However, what I did notice the fact you associate his weight with him being lazy (see comments about him playing on computer games all day long). Which I agree IS a right libido killer.
That comment also makes me wonder how much he I actually doing around the house too.

IncrediblySadToo · 17/02/2019 14:03

You're not attracted to him anymore, you’re ‘grossed out’ by his size. Stop dressing it up as concern over his health. I think it’s pretty shallow, but you’re entitled to your feelings, but at least own them. The way you talk about him is horrible

We've talked about trying to get healthier before, and even talked about it again yesterday having gone for lunch at a health food cafe (which he loved, but could have eaten the whole menu for lunch)

Your attitude to him and constant sneering will not be helping.

VietnameseCrispyFish · 17/02/2019 14:11

Also you say he’s about five stone overweight, maybe you’re aware already but someone who is five stone overweight, according to a BMI calculator, is actually obese.

I say that as it’s easy to use language to minimise weight issues, overweight sounds like just a little extra, when in reality once you’re that overweight you’re in a whole other class of problems and are clinically obese. If you reckon he’ll just brush your concerns off you might want to make a BMI calculation using his height and weight, not to throw in his face but to ensure if he tries to say it’s not that bad that you know the cold hard facts. You could even suggest he does a BMI for himself. It might shock him into action.

JonestheMail · 17/02/2019 14:13

Overeating is very often a sign someone is unhappy, but cannot express that. Eating large quantities, and especially sugar and carbs, gives exactly the same dopamine hit as a runners high - it's a way of self medicating.

Combine that with feelings of self-hatred for being overweight and you have a habit which is really difficult to break.

If you love him you need to get to the bottom of this but gradually in a kind and caring way, Do not nag or threaten him or tell him he repulses you, I guarantee that will not give you the result you are seeking.

Would you consider the two of you going to relationship counselling to talk about your lives and relationship as a whole without talking about weight at all in the first few sessions? Look on it as a positive way of taking stock of your lives as a whole and making plans for the next few years.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 17/02/2019 14:18

The photos on the beach thing was a wake up call for my DH too. He was 30 at the time, living like he was a teenager, eating crap and not exercising. The belly was not a good look.

He’s mid fifties now and very fit and still laughs about his shock at those photos.

VeryLittleOwl · 17/02/2019 14:18

constantly on the computer games

Could you gently point him at Nerd Fitness? It basically turns losing weight and getting fit into a real-life computer game. www.nerdfitness.com/

Stripyhoglets · 17/02/2019 14:19

Can you suggest you do slimming world together? It's good for hungry people as there are some foods you can eat in unlimited amounts as long as you avoid others. It encourages veg eating as well. Then the whole family is eat8mg better at home and it might motivate him to eat better out of home. I'd say you are scared for his health and want to try and make a positive change as a family.

Chloemol · 17/02/2019 14:19

Why don’t you join a slimming club together? Lots do

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