Overweight DH eating everything in sight

[YouToMeAreEverything]

AIBU?

I love my DH and want him to be happy and healthy for himself and our family.

The problem is that he is about 5 stone overweight, according to him, it could well be a little more. He does no exercise other than walking to where he needs to go (maybe 2-4 miles on weekdays), going to and from work and then around the office etc. He eats obscene amounts. I've just seen him make lunch and he's opted for baked beans on toast topped with an enormous pile of noodles. Little to no nutrient value there! Just looking at it made me feel physically sick. I said nothing as what good would it do, right when he's about to eat it?

We've talked about trying to get healthier before, and even talked about it again yesterday having gone for lunch at a health food cafe (which he loved, but could have eaten the whole menu for lunch). I'm no skinny mini and would like to loose a stone of baby weight that still hasn't shifted, but it seems even if I try to lead by example (no alcohol / chocolate / crisps in the house etc) he just bypasses it and eats really badly when at work. I cook healthy food, helped by having a 2yr old who needs a decent amount of veg etc, we mainly have what she has, but once she's gone to bed he'll crack open the beers or crisps he's bought.

What can I do?

It's not just about his health, although it mainly is. I don't feel attracted to him anymore as he is just so overweight and lazy with it; no exercise, constantly on the computer games. I love him dearly but something has to give. Even his family (who are real health lovers) have tried to talk to him about it before as we're all worried he's going to kill himself going this way. He's 35 and when we got together 10 years ago was a good 4 stone lighter and all muscle. We haven't had sex for months as the thought of it is just off putting right now. He craves affection which I try to give as I do love him, but I'm just so grossed out by his greed and size.

Does he want to change?

I speak as someone who until a month ago was 4 stone overweight and has just lost a stone. My DH is fit and skinny.

I knew I was unhealthy I'm not stupid, I'm a doctor FFS but the change has to come from you. Luckily for me my DH loves me whatever size I am and whatever I eat.

But losing weight is really really hard. I now do a load of exercise, eat far less than my DH who can eat whatever he bloody likes and I have to face that will be it for the rest of my life, watching him eat sodding cake. And I'll be honest I only got prompted to do it after several health problems

We are surrounded by really big people eating really big amounts of food. It's very easy for him to have no idea he is eating far too much and avoid the issue.

I could’ve written this post a few months ago. It is not shallow to find someone who is obese unattractive, whether they are your husband or not, you cannot help how you feel and have to be honest about that. You also probably feel resentful too as you feel he is not looking after himself enough, perhaps you feel that you are not important enough for him to prevent himself being either very ill or killing himself through being overweight. The only way out now is to be honest with him. Tell him how you feel. Yes he will probably feel hurt and may even be offended but it’s the only fair way to treat him now, give him the chance to change before your marriage breaks down completely

He is NOT eating everything in sight.

There have been threads on this site about people who do eat everything not caring that food has to last all week. To the point that food had to be purchased each day to make packed lunches or someone in the house would just guzzle it and not care.

You are blaming his weight but IMO the real issue is that you have lost respect for him.

Is he struggling with the demands of being a Dad ?

If my husband fat shamed me the way you are fat shaming your husband it would make me feel like I was back in the school playground being bullied for being fat. (I am still fat and I am on this year's weight loss regime.)

He's struggling and comfort eating because of it. I hope he shames you one day the way that you shame him.

If you need to lose weight maybe suggest joining a gym together as you need the motivation and moral support.

He may see right through this but you should know.

He is comfort eating.
He probably knows you aren’t attracted to him anymore, and feels even worse. You could be making things worse with all of your ‘hints’ and ‘comments’

Have you considered he may be happy to be bigger? That he likes eating crisps and doesn’t care about the way he looks?

I know quite a few men just like this, happy and content with being chubby and very well fed.

Fat shaming is becoming the most overused phrase ever. It's not fat shaming to find a gluttonous obese person unattractive, sorry.

I think it’s fine not to be attracted to someone that has gained 5 stone in your relationship, I wouldn’t expect to still fancy me if I gained that much thb. You can however still love someone but find the weight gain unattractive.

Thing is with a child in the house, stuffing himself is setting a bad example. At the moment your child is 2 so doesn’t notice but they will as they get older.

Also who has noodles on top of beans on toast? It’s just greedy and just adding unnecessary calories to the meal that offer no nutritional value

Ultimately his only going to stop and do something about his weight when he wants too, no magic solution to this

What’s with all this fat shaming bollocks? God everything these days is shaming someone 🙄

Why is it you can’t comment or talk to or about a partner about the fact they are very overweight? But they can expect you to find them attractive? You are also expected to watch them damage there health with the bad habits, you’d comment if one was an alcoholic so why not becuase they eat too Much?

Focus on health and family, not sex and affection.

‘You are behaving irresponsibly and have lost sight of Normal eating habits or healthy behaviour. It’s selfish, life limiting and it has to change. You have my full supper, but you need to change.’

Watch the i can make you thin Paul McKenna videos on YouTube.

I agree and moreover it’s to do with health, if you’re obese then you are not healthy and I personally wouldn’t find that attractive in my husband either as would feel like he didn’t care

I would struggle if my husband gained a lot of weight, and I know he would if I did too. We are both active, go to the gym and yes it’s important in a relationship to still fancy your other half. Could you go to a slimming club together? Book a half marathon and train together.? Explain that you really love him but the physical side of stuff has changed because he has physically changed.

*full SUPPORT not supper

Hehehe. I think he has had enough supper.

A slimming club is good. You say you want to lose weight. So it is something you can do together. I took photos of my OH and others at a party it was a lot of pictures. When he saw his tum in profile he was so shocked he decided to do something about it.

I agree the term fat shaming is overused. Presumably the OP doesn't want her partner to die of a weight related issue. How are you meant to explain to your spouse that you're worried about them if you can't mention their weight gain?

The problem with ‘fat shaming’ is that over eating can be a very complex issue, that is as much an emotional one as a physical one.

Someone, like me, who eats because they hate themselves, and are already depressed, will not respond well to fat shaming - it will merely make me feel worse, and sap what little motivation I do have to eat healthily.

I would be very surprised if ‘fat shaming’ worked as a spur to weight loss in many people. Most of us already know we are obese - we already hate ourselves for it, and societal shaming/nastiness from our nearest and dearest is not going to help us feel better about ourselves - and poor self esteem, self loathing etc are not a good basis for the positive mindset and hard work needed to successfully lose weight.

I have struggled my whole life with my weight. It is a really hard thing to manage. If I was an alcoholic or hooked on drugs, or a smoker, I could quit, cold turkey. Empty the house of every last cigarette/bottle/pill, and just say NO. I can’t do that with food. My body needs fuel, even though I have such huge reserves, so I still need to have meals. It is a lot harder to be moderate with an addictive substance than to simply do without. Food is delicious, legal and socially acceptable. And it is a central part to so many of life’s celebrations.

Which is not to say that it isn’t possible to eat healthily and lose weight - it is, and I have. But then I fail and back slide and feel even worse about myself, and picking myself up and starting over gets harder and harder. Making me even more ashamed of myself than I already am is not going to help me.

If I was an alcoholic or hooked on drugs, or a smoker, I could quit, cold turkey.

Yeah, because people find that so easy

I'm sorry SDT I always find the" it's so much harder with food as I have to eat" argument very weak and a great get out. Alcoholics still need to drink they just drink other things. Same with food. We all know what is shite so don't eat (or drink) it. Cut out processed sugars, sweetners and saturatwe fat completely for a start. That's no more difficult than wine, beer and spirits to an alcoholic.

If I was an alcoholic or hooked on drugs, or a smoker, I could quit, cold turkey. Empty the house of every last cigarette/bottle/pill, and just say NO. I can’t do that with food. My body needs fuel, even though I have such huge reserves, so I still need to have meals. It is a lot harder to be moderate with an addictive substance than to simply do without. Food is delicious, legal and socially acceptable. And it is a central part to so many of life’s celebrations.

This^. Thank you. Very eloquently put.

Fat people aren't allowed to be hungry, apparently.

I can live the rest of my life without any cigarettes, illicit drugs or alcohol. Live the rest of my life without food. That's easy, apparently. Anyone can do it.

Alcoholics drink other things ?

Like what ? Paint thinners, turps, meths ? Then they are at end stage alcoholism aren't they ?

That would be like an overweight person on a t.v. show similar to 'my 600lb life.' Not someone trying to get control of their weight.

Only people who comfort eat because they are upset then feel ashamed then comfort eat because of the shame will understand. Nagging like the food police will just make someone feel defiant and ultimately worthless. So the comfort eating starts again.

I do think that SDT has a slight point xmas/easter/halloween/pancakeday all about food. Then there is going for coffee, valentines day meal and even people visiting bring food. You have to food shop. This country -a lot of the world are onsessed with food. Even relatives who know you are overweight even obese and when visiting there still give the 'penis portions'.
I think over decades weight is generally creeping up. It does come down to how much do you want to be thin. And a lot of people genuinely dont care or are too worn out (certainly dc have had this afgect on me). Life and jobs and kids are stressful and most people have some sort of vice.
Op if you are overweight too i imagine you need to try to overhaul meals and meal sizes and what you have in the house.
I also think some people feel hungry when tired.
I think culture from some people's family upbringing contributes. Literally 'pushing' sweets/chocolate at kids and adults.
I personally find it hard to eat normally after eating a lot of chocolate etc over xmas

@Juells - my apologies - I did not mean to imply that it is easy to quit, cold turkey - I know it is exceedingly difficult, and didn’t mean to imply otherwise. All I was saying was that you can live without alcohol, drugs or cigarettes, you can’t live without food, so you have to be in daily contact with the subject of your addiction.

”Live the rest of my life without food. That's easy, apparently. Anyone can do it.”

In fairness, @ToEarlyForDecorations - one could live the rest of one’s life without food - it just wouldn’t be a very long life!

I think in that sense if the addition is that strong then eating food in an unappealing tablet form only would help. Shrink the stomach and disassociate from food being anything other than a necessity. As with drinking water as opposed to anything else.
Possibly all eating tablets in private would help. As seeing food constantly doesnt help. You can see with children they immediately want what others have.
Going back to the religious gluttony is a deadly sin might help too. Maybe we will end up with warnings on food like on cigarettes so a starving child to make people feel guilty. Or peoples clogged heart veins.
Im not sure we are intended to self regulate, it seems likely there was feast and famine, so we are battling our own survival instincts

Fat people aren't allowed to be hungry, apparently.

"It's so much harder for me than it is for everyone else in the world, even heroin addicts sob hic."

Of course it is difficult, of course there are temptations and many occasions that revolve around food. At the end of the day it is about choice, if you value yourself enough then you don’t allow yourself to continue on a downhill spiral that is going to make you ill or kill you, simple really

Helpful Juells.
It’s a recognised problem that people with food issues have the additional problem of having to negotiate a relationship with food for the rest of their lives when other addicts can be helped to completely give up. How many times do you hear an ex-smoker say they couldn’t even have one or they would be back on 20 a day (or whatever). Alcoholics cope by never drinking alcohol again - if they have one, they very iften relapse. People with an addictive relationship with food can’t do this. They have to face the issue daily.
But it’s so easy you think you can make jokes about it. Says more about you than the obese person.