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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Overweight DH eating everything in sight

79 replies

YouToMeAreEverything · 17/02/2019 13:02

AIBU?

I love my DH and want him to be happy and healthy for himself and our family.

The problem is that he is about 5 stone overweight, according to him, it could well be a little more. He does no exercise other than walking to where he needs to go (maybe 2-4 miles on weekdays), going to and from work and then around the office etc. He eats obscene amounts. I've just seen him make lunch and he's opted for baked beans on toast topped with an enormous pile of noodles. Little to no nutrient value there! Just looking at it made me feel physically sick. I said nothing as what good would it do, right when he's about to eat it?

We've talked about trying to get healthier before, and even talked about it again yesterday having gone for lunch at a health food cafe (which he loved, but could have eaten the whole menu for lunch). I'm no skinny mini and would like to loose a stone of baby weight that still hasn't shifted, but it seems even if I try to lead by example (no alcohol / chocolate / crisps in the house etc) he just bypasses it and eats really badly when at work. I cook healthy food, helped by having a 2yr old who needs a decent amount of veg etc, we mainly have what she has, but once she's gone to bed he'll crack open the beers or crisps he's bought.

What can I do?

It's not just about his health, although it mainly is. I don't feel attracted to him anymore as he is just so overweight and lazy with it; no exercise, constantly on the computer games. I love him dearly but something has to give. Even his family (who are real health lovers) have tried to talk to him about it before as we're all worried he's going to kill himself going this way. He's 35 and when we got together 10 years ago was a good 4 stone lighter and all muscle. We haven't had sex for months as the thought of it is just off putting right now. He craves affection which I try to give as I do love him, but I'm just so grossed out by his greed and size.

OP posts:

Sarcelle · 17/02/2019 17:43

Telling your partner who is 5 stone overweight (who wasn't when you started the relationship) that you no longer find them attractive isn't fat shaming, it's the truth. You can still love someone, and be concerned about them, but not finding them attractive is not fat shaming. From the opposite side, he is showing his partner and kids disrespect. He has become complacent and comfortable - he would not be like that in a new relationship, he would be making the effort.

Bouchie · 17/02/2019 17:44

Alcoholics still have to drink, just not alcohol. Overweight people still have to eat just not shite or too much.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 17/02/2019 18:01

I am trying to explain why it is not as simple as tell the stupid fat person that they are shameful, greedy, terrible and worthless, and they will immediately be able to untangle their complex emotional relationship with food and start making perfect decisions about food.

I am being open and honest about things that cause me real pain in an effort to help people understand that an obese person has a complex, emotional relationship with food, and that making them feel worse about themselves is probably going to make it harder for them to love themselves enough to want to change.

I’m not saying it is harder than coming off heroin. I have explained and apologised, only to come back and find another jibe.

But it is hard. I hate myself - why would I bother to do things to look after the health and future of someone I don’t even like? People say I could be shortening my life - that looks like a way out of the pain, for me. Fat shaming me, making me more unhappy - how is that going to help me?

KateGrey · 17/02/2019 18:58

I’m 5 stone overweight. My relationship with food is complicated. I can never give up food as I need it to live. And food is seen as a sociable activity.

My dh has never said a bad thing about my weight but I feel uncomfortable. I avoid doing things with my kids like swimming because of my weight. But it feels like a big mountain to climb. Ultimately only he can change but who brings the junk into the house?

twinnywinny14 · 17/02/2019 19:19

You don’t have to give up food to loose weight, it can be an addiction but usually addiction to a particularly type of food

TotHappy · 17/02/2019 19:22

But alcoholics spend the rest of their lives managing their relationship with alcohol too. They can never get complacent. I sympathise with how hard it is, but when I posted a very similar ting about my husband's drinking, I was told to get out, he would never change. It was recognised that his behaviour was having a disastrous impact on me and my daughter. No one blamed me for 'drunk shaming' him. And alcoholics hate themselves too, feel worthless, want to escape. But people take a much tougher line with them.

Thehop · 17/02/2019 19:24

My dh and I are doing weight watchers. He just does it online via the app so he doesn’t go to groups. It’s working wonders!

joystir59 · 17/02/2019 19:25

You have my full supper

TeachesOfPeaches · 17/02/2019 19:29

Beans on toast with noodles on top? Wtf?

joystir59 · 17/02/2019 19:30

I think you should focus on yourself- your own health and need to lose the baby weight. Forget about changing him, just go about changing yourself. Hopefully he will see what you are doing and join in. My wife and I have switched to eating normally and healthily by using portion control, only having fruit for desert of for snacks. We also have one day a week when we eat whatever we want, but as the weeks go by we tend not to bother with the old fatty sugary treats we used to crave. It started by her just saying she was going to be healthy. I knew I needed to make changes or die young.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 17/02/2019 19:35

@TotHappy - I would never advocate ‘drunk shaming’ an alcoholic. Dh is an alcoholic and I know how hard it was for him to deal with this and carry on dealing with it. I have been nothing but supportive - because I know that love, positivity and support are will help anyone who is struggling with an addiction - whereas shaming them will not.

Dh has been equally loving and supportive towards me, with my weight struggles. If I loved myself half as much as he loves me, maybe I would be more successful in caring for myself.

joystir59 · 17/02/2019 19:38

I have always had a difficult relationship with food- i use it to reward, to numb, to comfort, to compensate. I have been every size from 10 to 20. I will never diet again, and I know I cannot do what everyone else seems able to do and just 'eat what I want, when I want'- I don't know when to stop. So now I eat three small meals a day that total to around 1200 calories- I am trying to gradually lose weight. On Saturdays I eat whatever I want- so I always know that if I really want cake or ice cream or chips I can have them one day a week- in reality I eat pretty much the same on Saturdays, now I am weeks in. I feel so much better- I am not overfull, feel lighter and more energetic and much happier with myself- I feel normal again.

Crystalintheeyes · 17/02/2019 19:44

Beans on toast with added noodles. Iv never heard of that one before. It doesn’t even sound nice

RhiWrites · 17/02/2019 20:03

OP, I think @SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius has provided you with some really empathic comments about how your husband might be feeling.

I recognise my past self here. I was 5 stone overweight and I got to that point through a mixture of not paying attention and feeling that people just naturally got fatter as they got older and “diets don’t work”.

There were a few things that changed my mind, among them seeing other people who had done it (on the r/loseit subreddit for example), learning to understand the mathematics of food and exercise, and making “healthy eating” and exercise a priority in my life.

But, and this is crucial, I don’t think anyone could have made me want to do those things. My partner never stopped finding me attractive but if he had and had told me that, I don’t think it would have helped.

This isn’t a journey or a gift you can give anyone. It’s one people have to come to for themselves. There are enough messages telling fat people they shouldn’t be fat, your husband will already be feeling unhappy about it. I don’t think making him feel bad is the answer.

For me, I had to want to change more than I wanted to stay the same. And to believe it was possible. Does your husband want to change? Does he think he could?

RhiWrites · 17/02/2019 20:04

PS: I would totally eat the baked bean noodle toasts. They sound lush. I wonder if he added butter?

PickAChew · 17/02/2019 20:07

2-4 miles a day is more than most people walk. The problem is the amount that he eats, though.

He needs to want to sort that out for himself, though. You cannot take charge like you can with a toddler.

HolidayReads · 17/02/2019 20:08

There's some arseholes on here tonight.@YouToMeAreEverything don't be put off by them, you sound totally normal I would be the same.

TotHappy · 17/02/2019 20:39

STDGisAnEvilWolefGenius agree that drunk shaming doesn't work. But I think there is much more support for people who say, in stress, to their alcoholic partners that they can't live like this anymore and they're no longer attracted to them. Much more recognition of how hard it is to live with an addict and keep respecting them. I think more support for those with eating addictions/obsessions AND their families would be great.

WTBE · 17/02/2019 21:08

I agree with PP that "fat shaming" doesnt work, but its still ok to not want to be with someone who is over weight and have not tried to help themselves.

I understand its like an addiction, i agree with it can only be when the person is ready. But no one would judge a woman for saying "i have been with my husband for years and he is an alcoholic, ive tried helping him all i can but he wont help himself i am leaving, i am not attracted to him anymore"

Emeraldshamrock · 17/02/2019 21:27

I get it OP. I am not a big foodie but DP is. I saw him many times with noodles toast and beans. I also find it yuck to eat something with no nutrients or even taste for the sake of it.
We had a heart to heart he done really well lost 3 stone, he was ecstatic and motivated, I was doing most of the cooking, when he took over cooking he stopped he has put at 2stone back on and probably won't get onto it again for a long time.
unless I do all cooking and managing I am not doing it again
Comfort eating is like all addiction, it is a continuous cycle of self satisfying ones addiction. The only way to stop is breaking the cycle.
You can still eat but self control and regulation to get over the addiction is key.
DP walks miles and is active but obese if he lost mobility he would be screwed.

accendo · 17/02/2019 21:33

Watch my 600lb life with him, it's very confronting.

CheshireChat · 17/02/2019 21:44

Oh come on, let's not pretend that living with an alcoholic is the same as living with an obese person!

Alcoholics are often violent, argumentative, don't remember things, you can't rely on them, they lose jobs and become dependent.

That doesn't really apply to the vast majority of overweight people so the impact is much, much lower.

Obviously, still not healthy or anything, but not the same.

Siameasy · 17/02/2019 21:55

DH sounds like a food addict or more to the point, a carb addict. Only a carb addict would eat that baked bean-toast-noodle combo. If you’re interested head over to the low carb bootcamp threads. I speak as a fellow carb addict who could’ve also eaten everything in sight. It’s a pain free way of eating (Keto) and after an initial brief period your carb cravings go and you’re rarely hungry.
I also recommend WHY WE GET FAT by Gary Taubes for a good explanation of fattening carbs, the carb-glucose-insulin rollercoaster and how to stop it

Juells · 18/02/2019 08:45

I agree with PP that "fat shaming" doesnt work, but its still ok to not want to be with someone who is over weight and have not tried to help themselves.

Social acceptance doesn't work either, that's why America has such a problem with overweight people.

Emeraldshamrock · 18/02/2019 08:58

I think the issue with the OPs DP goes deeper. As I said on a pp DP is obese but he isn't lazy at all, helps with lots of house work, he is great with the DC.
Is it the lazy attitude adding to the stress.
Again I agree fat shaming won't work it is so pc now, any mention of fat comes across as fat shaming and it won't work to ignore it either.

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