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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother said she’s embarrassed of our rental status

84 replies

Blackcelebration73 · 17/02/2019 10:35

My mother told me yesterday that she’s embarrassed of our status as renters. Her husbands kids have just bought an expensive big house for a million quid. She’s ashamed that we never bought and we live in a tiny rental house.
I don’t even know what to say I am so shocked she’d verbalise this.
Aibu to be shocked? It’s really made me feel shit/ a failure etc.

OP posts:
dragonflyinn10 · 17/02/2019 11:33

@TaimaandRanyasBestFriend there's not a stately homes thread long enough with my mother issues !!!

greenpop21 · 17/02/2019 11:37

I'd tell her I was embarrassed to have a parent who was so shallow and vain!

This precisely.

MeetJoeTurquoise · 17/02/2019 11:38

I just don't understand some parent's attitudes. Thankfully mine aren't like this but it must be awful having a mother who looks down on their child for such a minor issue of renting over buying.

greenpop21 · 17/02/2019 11:39

We have a good life though-

This is all she needs to know.

AstralTraveller · 17/02/2019 11:50

I'm with a PP. Use this as a jumping off point to relief that you won't have to invite her to your humble home OP Grin

TaimaandRanyasBestFriend · 17/02/2019 11:51

I just don't understand some parent's attitudes.

She's one of those who demands a specific expensive present from adult children or to be taken out for expensive meals or holidays.

WhoNose88 · 17/02/2019 11:52

That generation have a different idea of home ownership - very few people when they were growing up were unable to afford a home, and 100% mortgages on properties that were not priced at 10 x the average wage were available.

I've had this with my parents - a total lack of understanding of what it's like to get on the property ladder these days.

Original poster
Blackcelebration73 · 17/02/2019 11:52

@taiman my mother does expect expensive presents actually because our presents usually don’t meet the same standard as those of the million pound house kids

OP posts:
TaimaandRanyasBestFriend · 17/02/2019 11:54

@taiman my mother does expect expensive presents actually because our presents usually don’t meet the same standard as those of the million pound house kids

Black you really need to get to those threads and learn how to stop enabling and disengaging from this type of nasty behaviour and how to learn to stop allowing her behaviour from manipulating you or making you feel guilty. You don't deserve this.

Ellie56 · 17/02/2019 11:57

my mother does expect expensive presents actually because our presents usually don’t meet the same standard as those of the million pound house kids

@Blackcelebration73 Does your vile, shallow mother actually contribute anything to your life?

If not, I'd tell her you are ashamed of having her for a mother, and you're having nothing more to do with her.

diddl · 17/02/2019 12:01

"my mother does expect expensive presents actually "

You're not so embarrassing that she won't take expensive gifts from you then?

Knock that on the head & tell her that you need the money for a deposit!

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 17/02/2019 12:08

Next birthday send her gift inside a carrier bag.
A Poundland one.

Ellie56 · 17/02/2019 12:13

Next birthday send her gift inside a carrier bag.
A Poundland one. Grin Grin

Knittedfairies · 17/02/2019 12:16

I'd be tempted to say that if I am such an embarrassment to her, with my rented house and non-expensive presents that I have decided it would be a kindness to her that I back quietly away from her life. Sorted.

What a vile woman.

JasperKarat · 17/02/2019 12:24

Your mother is an arse, but the people saying only those who are gifted things can buy are also offensive. I live in the South east, my parents are not well off, no way could they have given me a deposit etc. I bought my first flat on my own at twenty five (2010) DH and I bought our house by both working a second job to save as much as we could while lots of people have fancy lease hire cars and designer clothes we didn't. We didn't live like church mice we still travelled and socialised but we worked our socks off to buy, and bought a wreck and did it up. So did my DB and SIL and everyone I know who owns, none of us were gifted large sums. I don't judge renters, but am often assumed to be a spoiled brat because I own a nice home.

ScruffbagsRUs · 17/02/2019 12:25

Next time she says she's embarrassed to have a renter for a DD, tell her that you're even more embarrassed to have such a judgemental person for a mother. And if she doesn't apologise for making you feel inferior to other folk (a mother's duty is to nurture their DC, not make them fell inferior to others), then you'll have no other choice but to cut contact until she sees sense.

NutElla5x · 17/02/2019 12:26

Wow how nasty! You should be the one who is embarrassed of her and her attitude,and I'd be telling her that if I were you too.

MortyVicar · 17/02/2019 12:28

The suggestions that she stumps up for the deposit might be lighthearted, but don't do it. If the other DCs paid for their house entirely on their own it just gives her more ammunition.

And to be honest, I suspect she'd still say she was embarrassed if you bought a house but it wasn't a million pound one.

If she constantly puts you down, I'd seriously think about going NC/LC. I know it's hard, she's your mum after all, but tell her she doesn't need to be embarrassed any more - because you'll bow out of her life to save her the bother - and you'll feel very much lighter.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 17/02/2019 12:30

Tell her you're embarrassed by the stench of piss that follows her from room to room
Grin

MrsSchadenfreude · 17/02/2019 12:34

My mother is embarrassed that we live in a flat and not a house!

Thecreosotekid · 17/02/2019 12:44

Tell her you are embarrassed that she’s so judgemental and that where you live and how you pay to live there doesn’t define who you are. Better a kind, compassionate, non snobby person who lives in a rented place than a judgey, shallow and unaware one who lives in a million pound one.

This British obsession with home ownership is now not only ridiculous but unobtainable for so many people. I’m in social housing after my ex did a massive number on me and left me homeless and in debt. I’m grateful to have this place and love the fact that when the boiler packs in someone will come and fix it. My DB lives in Europe and there’s just not this attitude that owing your own home makes you somehow better/worthier.

AldiProsecco · 17/02/2019 12:52

That is a mean comment. A pointless comment.

Tell her that you're embarrassed your own mother hasn't the status to help her children.

AldiProsecco · 17/02/2019 12:54

Ps, my mother is embarrassed I'm divorced and she doesn't understand how I could want to go on holiday alone because obviously you're not living if there's no partner there to witness it.

I have learned to stop caring what she thinks. When YOu realise that you have experienced emotional 'growth' way beyond what your mother is capable of, it's a bit of a moment because you're not really connecting, you're making small talk and avoiding rows.

PentreBachCymraeg · 17/02/2019 13:06

Is her name Hyacinth Bucket..pronounced 'bouquet'?

Belenus · 17/02/2019 13:13

The fact is renting is very common as a lot of people don’t have the funds for a house deposit, and paying high rents can means it’s hard to save - creating something of a cycle.

This. My rent is as much as many mortgages. I cannot afford to save for a deposit and pay the rent, so I continue to rent. I do own a horse, and if I hadn't ever had horses I could have saved for the house. I'm happy with the choice I made.

I would just keep minimal contact with your mother OP. She sounds judgemental and rather toxic.