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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I have the right to keep my children from my husband?

86 replies

Cornish83 · 17/02/2019 10:11

Can I stop my husband having contact with our daughters if we separate?

Just after our daughters were born I discovered that my husband had sexually abused both his younger sisters over a long period of time which he admitted to after his sister mentioned it in an argument, she also claimed he has done it to her young daughter which he denied but said he did do it to his sisters.
I would have left him but I knew he would then be more of a risk to our daughters as he would have contact without me so I have stayed with him and made sure the children are always with me and he’s never alone with them, I really want to leave but fear he would get contact with my daughters alone and possibly over night and I wouldn’t be there to protect them.
His sisters would never testify in court about this as they have put it behind them and are close and would be on his side so I have no evidence of this other than that they told me and he admitted to it.
I feel like scooping them up and running but feel the law would be on his side and the girls are safer if I am here to with them and never leave them with him.
Do I have any rights to keep my children safe from him if I feel they’d be at risk with him? they’re only 1 and 3 so I couldn’t even ask them if he did anything.

OP posts:
flirtygirl · 17/02/2019 11:39

ApolloandDaphne this is how the system should work. But I think the op made the point of the adults not changing their minds and the parents thinking it was okay too.

Without any kind of proof and without another adult backing her up, ss would look at the facts. So 5 adults saying it did not happen and 1 lone adult saying it did and I want sole custody and no unsupervised visits.

Which way do you think this would go? The courts look at testimonies and facts before them? 5 sworn statements versus 1. The op has nothing to say the abuse is fact.

ApolloandDaphne · 17/02/2019 11:44

It would be taken very seriously i can assure you. OP says that she was told the sisters child has also been abused so as a starting point she would be interviewed by police and SW to see what she has to say. Then decisions would be made about next steps.

Bobbycat121 · 17/02/2019 11:44

Im not convinced by ss im afraid.
I was recently told my violent and severely mentally unwell ex SHOULD be having contact with my children as its “in their best interest” and that I should send him a message asking for him to see them (despite him not wanting to) but apparently children have a right to have contact with the other side of them no matter what, that was directly said to me by a social worker. So im not convinced your husband wouldnt get contact op.

itisnotgoodenough · 17/02/2019 11:44

*She has no proof and with the climate of parental alienation and the recent cases where rapists and paedophiles do get access to their children and sometimes not even supervised then I think the op is well to be wary.

I agree with this*

I know someone in a similar situation who has looked into and everything points towards the above being right, so I agree with this too, the OP is right to be wary.

You can protect children under the same roof if hands are showing all the time and the children are not in the same room and if the children sleep in the same room with doors locked, until the children are a certain age.

It is all very well saying that the OP could be seen as complicit (I think the pp meant complicit not implicit) but what a choice - keep quiet and protect your dc or be sure you are not seen as complicit but at the same time run the risk of unsupervised access?

I wouldn't know what to do, but it sounds like the law needs to be looked at pronto.

mariethecat · 17/02/2019 11:47

Also what about other children he has access to - are you going to stop your daughters having play dates at the house?? How would you explain that - well daddy's a peodophile so you can't have friends over and what if something happened to one of those children? That would be on you??

I would go to the police with what you know and put it in their hands - don't wait until after you've left him as that might look like you are being vindictive but be prepared to answer some difficult questions as to why you've left it this long

Smartieshavetheanswer · 17/02/2019 11:47

Mightily pissed off that some are covertly blaming OP here. There are massive systemic failures here in the UK and I'd feel as stuck as OP.

I hear you OP and see why you stay but you cannot see everything. I think you know this which is why you're reaching out. This is a god awful situation and it's utterly baffling why the sisters are silent especially if they suspect that their own daughters have been abused. He clearly has control of them, the parents are also clearly calling the shots.

Keep talking, post in legal, contact NSPCC and social services ASAP.

mariethecat · 17/02/2019 11:50

To add I also know of a father who is under suspicion of SA of a step child and he has been kept away from the family whilst it is investigated so don't let some of the posts on here scare you off from reporting it.
End of the day he has committed a terrible CRIME and you are now complicit in it

lunicorn · 17/02/2019 11:52

Contact centres aren't very nice, but there would be supervision.

GregoryPeckingDuck · 17/02/2019 11:52

I think that the best way you can protect your children is to educate them about sexual abuse. As PP have pointed out he could be abusing them already. You have to empower them to recognise and report sexual abuse. Scheduling regularvibdeoendant counselling for them may be helpful in that it will provide them with an opportunity to report that a safe adult in the event it should ever happen.

Re preventing contact I think you will struggle without evidence but what are the chances there is no evidence? Do you think he’s been accessing images of child abuse online for example? Or you could try recording conversations with his sister as someone suggested up thread. I would be cautious about making any reports you can’t substantiate because it might alert him to your intention.

DoneLikeAKipper · 17/02/2019 11:56

Again, ignore deadliftgirl. Quite honestly, after some of the other nonsense they’ve been spewing on here recently I’m actually surprised to see they haven’t been booted off MN. Others have been for less.

You need to leave him though. It’s not a case of if he could abuse a child, he already is a child abuser. If it transpires later he has hurt your daughters, and you already knew this, you could well be facing court action yourself. Never mind the guilt you’ll carry for the rest of your life.

ApolloandDaphne · 17/02/2019 11:57

Sorry meant complicit not implicit.

DC3dilemma · 17/02/2019 11:58

@Cornish83

Have you considered what would happen if you simply left, with the children and didn’t facilitate access. Make it clear that he would have to seek access through the courts?

It may be that he simply wouldn’t do this to avoid the family secret coming out?

mariethecat · 17/02/2019 12:03

@GregoryPeckingDuck
Exactly how do you educate a 1 yr old and 3 yr old to protect themselves from a sexual predator - what an ignorant and dangerous bit of advice!

ReaganSomerset · 17/02/2019 12:08

I think you'd do far better to contact ss while still with the father, if you wait until you've left it might be viewed as an attempt at parental alienation.

Romanov · 17/02/2019 12:10

You need to get out and get your dc safe - they are not safe now,

like pp have said
Keep talking, post in legal, contact NSPCC and social services ASAP

MeganBacon · 17/02/2019 12:11

The sister who accused him of doing it to her daughter - will she work with you? Will you be able to record a conversation with her at least? She is worried about her own child and must understand how you feel with two small daughters at risk. Appeal to her maternal instincts and her sense of injustice. You say they are close but from what you have written it sounds like she knows the risks still.

mariethecat · 17/02/2019 12:12

Considering that he actually admitted what he did if you don't report him now maybe your children need protecting from you as well as him?

Josiebloggs · 17/02/2019 12:13

I agree with flirtygirl, without any evidence this is likely to go badly. There is also the potential for the courts to think that by staying with a man you believed was paedophile you put your own children at risk whether they believe the allegations or not.

iolaus · 17/02/2019 12:16

Bear in mind if it comes out that he has abused them/another child and that you were aware of his history and didn't protect them by leaving you could loose your children for that as well

It's a heartbreaking situation for you to be in

Frogsdinner · 17/02/2019 12:17

OP what if you got rushed into hospital, How would you protect them then?

kateandme · 17/02/2019 12:19

Similar càse.he was doing it when mum was asleep.getting dressed.literally turning back to look at the hob.
But wen reported continued the offense in the supervised visiting room.staff were there but they were sat on DADDY'S FUCKING LAP IN THE CORNER THEY ARE Shit poor at visits.
Then grandparents said they would have them and he was left alone.called to come see them,you get the disgusting picture.the mum couldn't do anything.
So I see why op is fearful of what is best.
Either way a paedophile finds a way.trust me.and they are patient.and clever.and they do not change.do not stop.and the victims(hardly)ever can tell someone.

alreadytaken · 17/02/2019 12:28

with no evidence he would get unsupervised contact if you left and took the children with you. His family are not going to say anything to help you. Therefore you have to stay put, when there is at least some possibility of protection, for the time being.

Try to get a recording of either one of his relatives or him admitting to it. Voice recorders are small. I dont know if the evidence would be allowed in court but the risk that you would take it to the police should be enough to stop him seeking access.

mariethecat · 17/02/2019 12:29

@kateandme
That case sounds horrific but how would the child have felt if it came out their mother KNEW and NEVER reported it - that would be unforgivable as well

PtahNeith · 17/02/2019 12:37

His family haven't "moved on"; they're in denial.

That denial is protective for them in the sense that it means they don't have to face the reality and the painful consequences of what he has done. If they had genuinely "moved on" they would have responded appropriately and taken steps to protect the other children in the family. He would not still be part of their lives. And they would not be angry at you for disrupting their denial by wanting to take action to protect your children.

Covering up for an abuser - including pretending it didn't happen, wasn't that harmful, and couldn't happen again - is not "moving on".

GregoryPeckingDuck · 17/02/2019 12:40

@mariethecat it’s what all good parents do for their children. Ultimately they could be abused by anyone. The only way to keep children truly safe is to make sure that they know what is wrong and what to do about it.

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