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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do I have the right to keep my children from my husband?

86 replies

Cornish83 · 17/02/2019 10:11

Can I stop my husband having contact with our daughters if we separate?

Just after our daughters were born I discovered that my husband had sexually abused both his younger sisters over a long period of time which he admitted to after his sister mentioned it in an argument, she also claimed he has done it to her young daughter which he denied but said he did do it to his sisters.
I would have left him but I knew he would then be more of a risk to our daughters as he would have contact without me so I have stayed with him and made sure the children are always with me and he’s never alone with them, I really want to leave but fear he would get contact with my daughters alone and possibly over night and I wouldn’t be there to protect them.
His sisters would never testify in court about this as they have put it behind them and are close and would be on his side so I have no evidence of this other than that they told me and he admitted to it.
I feel like scooping them up and running but feel the law would be on his side and the girls are safer if I am here to with them and never leave them with him.
Do I have any rights to keep my children safe from him if I feel they’d be at risk with him? they’re only 1 and 3 so I couldn’t even ask them if he did anything.

OP posts:

imanoldbattleaxe · 17/02/2019 11:00

Your husband is a paedophile. Please get your DC away from them ASAP.

blackteasplease · 17/02/2019 11:06

The sisters don’t have to testify in court - sworn statements will do. He is a paedophile and measures would be put in place to ensure he doesn’t have unsupervised contact. Personally, if I could I would run.
^^

I was also going to say something along these lines. I'm fairly sure the sisters wouldn't have to give evidence and certainly not assist in a prosecution for it to be used by the family court.

blackteasplease · 17/02/2019 11:07

Also if he's admitted it to you /in front of you that's evidence that a family court can use.

blackteasplease · 17/02/2019 11:08

But please get proper legal advice

ferrymeoff · 17/02/2019 11:08

get him out of the house, I am shocked that the man's sisters do not report him when he is in the home with children.
abuse can happen in plain sight. there is no easy way just do it and have a peaceful mind, it could be that he will only be allowed supervised visits with the children if at all
do it for the children before it is too late

Original poster

Cornish83 · 17/02/2019 11:09

He says he was 15 when this started which would have made them 11 and 13, technically a child to begin with but this apparently happened for a long time and would have started long before his younger sisters (now 8) daughter was born. I have never had a great relationship with his younger sister who said about this and they are a very close family with even his parents forgiving him and moving on, when I found this out his family were very rude to me for having opinions on what they believed had nothing to do with me and we’ve barely spoken since.
I just can’t bare the thought of him having them for the weekends and know his family would fight me tooth and nail if I tried to stop him so I stay and he never has the children without me.

OP posts:

ferrymeoff · 17/02/2019 11:09

also, do you have a right to put the children in danger

Lizzie48 · 17/02/2019 11:11

Very seriously, if you don't act, you could well end up in the position my DM found herself in, with your adult DDs telling you that their father abused them as children. It was devastating for her, she had absolutely no idea.

SS and the police should be involved. Then he will be kept away from your DDs (and any other children he may have access to) permanently, as he will be on the sex offenders' register.

Your DDs need you to protect them, OP.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 17/02/2019 11:12

Unfortunately the burden of proof lies with you.
You need to call women's aid, social services and a solicitor today.

NameChanger22 · 17/02/2019 11:14

You need to protect them. SS will see it as a failure to protect if you don't and this could have terrible consequences for you too OP.

OlennasWimple · 17/02/2019 11:15

Get proper, RL legal advice

Leave him as soon as possible

Zofloramummy · 17/02/2019 11:16

Has he shown any remorse about what he did? How the fuck have his family just forgiven him?

My ex had a breakdown when my dd was 18months old. He had a voice I his head telling him he would abuse her. I did the same as you and never left her alone with him, slept with her etc. He was accessing therapy and was put on antipsychotics. About 6 months later I found a stash of porn dvds behind the sofa. All babysitter types with actresses that looked young. I chucked him out and reported my concerns to the Poloce and social services. They assessed him and found him to be a risk of sexual harm to our daughter. He has supervised acccess of 4 hours a week. He never went to court to try to change this because he said he is lucky to see her at all.

I was exhausted during that time, I didn’t sleep properly and was in constant alert. I had a breakdown 6 months later as I was so mentally worn out.

Please contact social services and get some help. You cannot protect them whilst he is under the same roof. Do your family know what is going on?

WorraLiberty · 17/02/2019 11:20

OP you need to report him to the police and do everything in your power to leave as soon as possible.

deadliftgirl, yes you watch far too much TV I'm afraid. Not to mention you appear to have an endless pot of money.

FamilyOfAliens · 17/02/2019 11:20

You may struggle to prove that what his sisters have said is true.

But if you do nothing because you think there’s no point unless you can prove beyond reasonable doubt that this happened, it could count against you. Taking legal advice is a very sensible first step.

VampirateQueen · 17/02/2019 11:22

Can you sit him down and get him to talk about it, whilst recording him? At least then even if they won't back you up, you have his confession.

MrsPinkCock · 17/02/2019 11:25

@Merrymumoftwo

Yes, covert recordings are admissible in civil court proceedings.

Zofloramummy · 17/02/2019 11:26

As part of the assessment from social services they looked at my ability to keep DD safe, basically that I wasn’t going to let him see her unsupervised. If they felt that was a risk then she would have been placed on the at risk register.

My ex didn’t commit a crime, he never hurt my dd. But she is safe from any potential risk because I reported him.

flirtygirl · 17/02/2019 11:27

Lots of people saying contact ss and police think they are giving good advice and it should be good advice.

However once into the court system and ss regulations and cafcass, the op may well have less power to do anything than now.

She has no proof and with the climate of parental alienation and the recent cases where rapists and paedophiles do get access to their children and sometimes not even supervised then I think the op is well to be wary.

Abusive fathers and mothers get unsupervised access all the time and the system and cafcass is not fit for purpose.

I lived the system years ago and the process did me more damage than the abuse. My abuser even after sentencing got supervised access with us for 3 years as part of his probation and when that period ended, it was unsupervised. And this was a man who was convicted of csa.

Also the fact the family will not support her means that the op is unlikely to ever get any proof or testimonies. It will be a whole families word against hers. No way would she win.

I think she has only two options stay and be on 100% vigilance, which would cause anyone a breakdown or move far away and hope they never find her.

Far away in UK not abroad.

The system is not robust or fair.

SpanielEars070 · 17/02/2019 11:27

You're dreaming if you think you can keep your DDs safe.

His mother wasn't able to keep hers safe, was she.

You physically cannot police your DC in a house with him. He may already be doing it

His sisters may be enabling his lie but that's no reason for you to as well.

NameChanger22 · 17/02/2019 11:31

She has no proof and with the climate of parental alienation and the recent cases where rapists and paedophiles do get access to their children and sometimes not even supervised then I think the op is well to be wary.

I agree with this.

LagunaBubbles · 17/02/2019 11:32

You can't protect them even staying with this man. This is no way to live. Proper legal advice is needed.

ApolloandDaphne · 17/02/2019 11:32

As a social worker who worked in child protection is would advise you to go and make a statement to the police about what you know regarding his abuse of his sisters. They will then make approaches to the sister to encourage them to also make a statement. Social services will be involved due to their being young children around him and all parents involved will be advised to ensure their children are not left alone with him. This will be taken very seriously.

I worked on a case very like this where the adult children refused to talk. But eventually they did and the man involved got a custodial sentence. They just needed time and for a level of trust with the police to be built up.

By not coming forward with this information you are implicit in the abuse. You have a duty to any other children he may come in contact with to report what you know. Meanwhile you need to continue to keep your own children safe.

flirtygirl · 17/02/2019 11:33

There is a thread on here currently where the husband is physically and emotionally abusive but yet ss have placed the sen child with this man.

There are many threads on here so people will say yes it anecdotal but they are backed up by court cases.

slipperywhensparticus · 17/02/2019 11:33

Why won't his sisters back you up on this?

mariethecat · 17/02/2019 11:34

The more I think about this post the angrier I get!
Sorry OP but as someone else said you are potentially enabling him to harm more children?
Do you not want to approach social services because they will ask if you knew and you'd have to either lie or admit that you did and therefore put your own children at risk and social services would potentially take a dim view of that??

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