To think there's too much focus on emotional support instead of practical support?

[Seline]

Just something I've been pondering.

Whenever anyone is upset or had had a negative ecperience, everyone asks if they want to talk about it or says they'll be there for the person. On a larger scale people are recommended counselling when struggling with certain situations or negative thoughts, and support groups, networks etc all exist to provide emotional support. Helplines, forums etc.

But what about practical support? Very few people will say "wow that's crap you feel rubbish. Why not go and treat yourself, I'll do your shopping for you and cook you a meal while you relax". There are no organisations to offer cleaning services to those too depressed to get out of bed, or free last minute childcare to those facing an emergency, or to run errands for someone who's too anxious to deal with going outside that day. There's nothing to offer for people who are mentally well but have lots of things on their plate and need an extra set of hands to prevent them crashing.

There's only an offer to talk about it.

Wondering if there's a gap in the market for voluntary work here!

I understand what Patricia is saying. I used to get asked how I could afford certain things when I was a student and my answer was always "I don't drink." I think it's because certain things like cleaners have the connotation of being luxury whereas a bottle of wine is just accepted as a normal thing.

I don't think it's suitable for everyone though and not everyone can afford it.

Sometimes I would far rather give practical than emotional support!! I've had a difficult couple of years in my marriage with three friends also going through awful things and my mum really struggling. I've been a listener for so long and on top of my own struggles, I'm completely emotionally drained. I feel like I just want to crawl away and not see any of them because I can't bear to sympathise, and talk, and advise, and reassure any more. But I'd be fine to go and clean their houses or cook or shop for them. Those things would be much much less effort.

My friends and mum don't have serious mental health or practical problems though. Life has just thrown a lot of shit at them and as it chances none of them have lots of other people who can do the emotional support. E.g. my dad lives with my mum and looks after her every practical need but will not be open emotionally. So it really is the listening ear they need. And they've all done the same for me, I'm not sure what I'm saying really, they deserve it and need it but bloody hell it's all come together at a perfect storm time for me!!

I’d love to see more community groups set up. I don’t think I’m able to set up and run a group right now but I would be able and willing to join and help. I’m often looking online for a local buddy system where I could identify an old person needing help or company, or would love if there was social things that brought local people needing support together. I feel like everything now is about the self. A local class costs money and is just about improving yourself, not becoming part of anything.

I'd love to do this once I have more time.

I feel the emotional support on offer can sometimes be a bit self indulgent (NOT on about genuine counselling for actual issuea), more the offer of counselling and finding yourself for every little issue. I see it as up there with yoga and green tea.

Instead what I think we need more of is solutions. Right, this is the situation, what are we going to do about it?

@Sweepingcalamity @Seline maybe start a Facebook group open to all and usable by all where people can say what they need and people can offer to help - like the buy and sell groups.

Maybe even a help needed thread on mumsnet where we can help our fellowwoman (following appropriate name changes 😂)

I'm a single parent and work full time with no family help and I learned to manage to keep it all together but I know many that struggle.
I know I'd certainly be able to offer an hour a week to help with someone's laundry, dishes or decluttering and to maybe share tips on how to keep things moving if they are at such a stage. Or help to fetch something when someone is stuck in hospital etc... I'll definitely be able to help the ill or elderly.

People are often willing to do things as a one off in a crisis, but not on an ongoing basis.

Anyway I don’t do my own cleaning so I’m hardly likely to voulenteer to go and clean for someone else. No thanks.

An online help page might work.

@PalmTree101 weirdly, i’m probably much more likely to want to clean someone else’s home than my own Probably because with my own house it’s just a chore and a hassle, whereas with someone else’s house i’d get the warm fuzzy feeling of helping someone!

I agree in some cases and not in others. I have made meals for friends who are ill or are depressed. But this tends to only happy with friends when the difficulties are short term.
Our Social Services does offer a respite volunteer scheme for SN kids.
But someone with anxiety does need to do things for themselves. Stepping in and doing it for the person will make them worse.
And no I would not want to go and regularly clean someone's home as a volunteer. If you don't know me well you might think my life was great. In reality I have had a very difficult couple of years and managing my own life is hard enough. I think some people do not realise how many people are struggling with stuff and rarely talk about it.

It does depend entirely on the situation of course. But I think in a lot of cases practical support would be really useful.

Our social care used to provide a very limited amount of funded (ie free) respite clubs, or provided 1-2-1s for kids with disabilities to attend clubs which didn't have the resources to meet their needs. Now the parent has to pay for the first £6.50 p/hour and what is available is really limited.
I work in early help and get annoyed I can't magic up more high quality low cost respite care to support families over the holidays in particular.
On a feminist note, it is interesting that we are all thinking of ways to help families in the traditionally female domains. No one is suggesting we volunteer our time for free to help with the accounts / transport to work.

The area I think my service is actually quite good at is providing housing advice and financial advice, if we aren't experts, such as immigration, the cab help us. We always make sure families are are aware of what they can claim, and help them do this ( 'help' meaning whatever the person in front of us needs it to mean, using my work phone to ring, going together to the cab/ housing office). We aren't support to drive people places, as it 'creates dependency' and older colleagues tell of a time they could actually help with cleaning rather than direct! We aren't allowed to baby sit but I'm happy to hold / watch / entertain children as their parent deals with the person they need to see.

When I was depressed I wouldn't let people through the door, I'd have made a very frustrating client!

You’re right. I struggle with depression and anxiety and one of the first things to start sliding when I’m struggling is housework. The washing up starts piling up which means I don’t have clean pans to cook with so I stop eating properly. Everywhere starts to become a mess with piles of laundry I haven’t put away, shoes and coats and bags I’ve just dumped on the floor on getting home and then feel too tired to move. The house becomes chaotic and messy which further adds to my feelings of stress and hopelessness and makes everything feel worse, which in turn makes me less able to stay on top of anything and things get messier and messier. Then that makes me start avoiding people as I can’t have them see the state of my house and I end up isolating myself.

I have lots of friends who say they’re there if I ever need to talk, that I can call them at 2am on a Tuesday night if I need to and they’ll be there etc. But truthfully what would help most when I’m struggling would be someone to come over and help me with an hours housework once or twice a week. But it feels so cheeky to ask for that kind of help, even though I am sure that there must be so many people in need of it.

Gligeen

‘A little help is worth more than a lot of pity.‘

Wholeheartedly agree with this.

In the times of my life where I’ve felt despair, I’ve not wanted to talk much as it somehow makes it more real. But in those times, if someone could have come and lifted many of the other day to day stresses from my shoulders, it would have given me the time to focus on healing instead of trying to simply stay afloat.

Whilst I’m certain that talking is great for many, some of us would just benefit from temporary practical help to allow us to exhale and heal.

I feel like practical support is my real strength.

I'm a rubbish shoulder to cry on, either not knowing what to say or saying something useless or hurtful by mistake.

But damn right I will crack on cooking, or shopping, or delivering things for you. I do find it a bit tricky getting people to accept offers though. Either they don't expect the offer is genuine, or they feel they ought to cope, or that it's too much of an imposition.

I think people don’t offer to provide help with accounts as we see personal finances as private. I would feel awkward were I to have access to someone’s banking details

Agree with thecats. That doesn't seem to be the kind of help people will accept, either because they don't need it or they feel they shouldn't have it. Or feel they shouldn't need it? All the raising awareness of mental health and that it's ok to be overwhelmed with feelings shouldn't just be 'its ok to feel bad' but 'its ok to need help living.'
We're social creatures - not designed to manage all life admin and householding by ourselves. No shame.

The one I could do with is help organising my house. As mentioned I have ADHD and three kids one of whom has additional needs possibly ADHD himself. I could save a lot of time if I organised stuff clearly and sensibly but I get overwhelmed as I have no idea where to start.

Therefore it's an an inefficient order and it pisses me off because I know if I could figure it out it'd be so much easier!

Indeed I volunteer and had a disabled client who could manage but after a fall needed help shopping. Not able to use the internet or learn and no friends or family. I couldn’t find zany free service that could help at all. I can see them going into shaltered housing when otherwise have been independent.

Yanbu.
A cleaner, some cooking and errand running is just as useful as talking.

I think it's why I found health visitors so useless. Instead of taking up my time talking they should have mucked in and ran the Dyson round while we chatted.

sweep I've done some "rolled up sleeve brigade" stuff myself 👍.

Oh interesting

I thought this was going to be about having babies

Where I reckon a large % of mental health issues are basically down to being very tired which can send you v wonky

And you are offered pills / counselling when what you really need is, as you say, practical help

In a few cultures women are supposed to rest up for ages and get a lot of help, food made etc and that is probably much more helpful than having to get up and get on as if nothing has happened while your brain slowly melts down, and then being offered a nice chat.

I am sure this is the case in other circs
And agree that of course most people don't actually want to "do" anything! Also it's not the norm in our culture to go to other people's houses and do stuff really

I don’t know whether I have a particularly practical group of friends, but practical support is what we’re good at! If any of us are having a tough time practical support is immediately offered, usually in the form of childcare but also cooking meals, lifts to places, helping with cleaning etc. It goes without saying that we’re all there as a listening ear, but practical support is always on offer too.

I think it's why I found health visitors so useless. Instead of taking up my time talking they should have mucked in and ran the Dyson round while we chatted.

Yes I feel like this about HVs. Mine is nice but the whole i can pop in for coffee and cake thing is quite useless. All that'll happen is ill then be stressed because I've got less time to do anything.

Now if you want to watch the kids while I do the washing up or vice versa great.

Our HVs don't visit
I don't remember anyone coming
After the birth, someone came while I was pg once and filled in a form or something

If you wanted them weighed etc you had to get everybody up and out and down the road

Which is again hard if you are feeling tired anyway

@auntiepatricia what the hell fancy wine are you drinking? My cleaner costs £32 a week!

To be fair I can get a cleaner for £20 every two weeks which is something I'm.planning on doing. £32 a week sounds crazy.

@seline my house is usually a pit, I don't turn a hand all week except the washing up - takes them 2.5 hours!