AIBU to think counselling won’t be that helpful?

[89tattoos]

As well as expensive!

Someone I know thinks I should go for counselling. I think I can’t afford it anyway and even if I could it’s not going to change anything.

What do mnettwrs think?

it should ideally work just because it works if you see what I mean.

It's talk therapy. How would you change just by being talked to? People change through therapy because they engage in it, they challenge themselves and their established patterns, they change their behaviours outside the session. If you're determined that it won't work, well, it won't. Even drugs are powerfully affected in their action by what you believe about what they will do.

Don't go if you don't want to, nobody is going to force you.

Also, different practitioners do therapy in all kinds of different ways (and sometimes have a range of qualifications). There are very structured types of therapy like CBT and DBT which focus on techniques to change your thought and action patterns. There are therapists who offer an empathetic, validating handhold while you work your shit out. There are therapists who are more like the member of your family who always calls you on your bullshit and won't let you away with anything. Different people respond best to different things.

If you are genuinely interested in what it might have to offer you, you could read around a bit and email a few local therapists to ask them what their approach would be with your issues.

I felt worse after it rather than better and still do.

I found counselling helpful for pointing to the ways I had made assumptions about how relationships work, and what my role is in them, etc. Assumptions so subtle I didn't really notice I had made them, I just thought that was how things worked. But they had enormous effects on how and where I made myself available and what kinds of possibilities I allowed for myself. These things are revelations when they occur to you. They aren't super easy to tick box because they are happening on an internal level. It feels like living in a new world, when really of course, it is you seeing things through new eyes.

Counsellors don't give advice.
But in my experience a good one will let you churn and talk through everything and help you untangle yourself.

Counselling has the potential to change your life. I would highly recommend it if you can find a way.

The debt people mentioned will give you advice.

Debt Counselling is a thing on its own.

If it was help that you wanted because of the stress of the debt. Counselling would help you to plan what you could do about your debt. Then it would get you to use strategies when you get anxious and use 'tools' to tell yourself that you are working towards a solution (after getting advice).

Sometimes our minds aren't clear enough to come up with those things ourselves.

You're not really asking the question you think you are, OP.

In fact you're not really asking a question at all.

Tbh, I think if you had posted 'AIBU to think that [insert expensive beauty product here] won't work', you'd have got exactly the same kind of responses. That is, people telling you that in fact it did work for them. That, yes, there are cheaper alternatives but, no, they aren't the same.

The 'defensiveness' you see is because your post and title are not neutral enquiries, they are strongly negative in the way they are wording. It really does sound as though you've already made your mind up.

And yes as others have said, if we take your question at face value (which is daft as your agenda, whether conscious or not, is obvious): counselling helps you gain perspective and realise things about yourself, and your ways of relating and thinking and acting. One of the most useful things about counselling for me the first time round was realising how incredibly weird my family were, not in a "so here's a funny story, mad eh?" way I'd always pitched it to my friends at uni etc but genuinely deeply damaging and dysfunctional. It helped me see how I'd been shaped to be a certain type of person and respond a certain type of way to other people. It helped me understand myself and see what of my responses werent rational or helpful or making me happy. It showed me the work I had to do basically. The second time (post mother's suicide) it helped me understand that it wasn't my fault, a belief I had been totally convinced I would have to carry for the rest of my life and which was eating me alive. Just that non-biased perspective helping me see the whole situation in the round meant more than every friend and relative I had telling me it wasn't my fault. It's a reality check from a totally different dimension outside of the world created by your own mental anguish. It helped me. But I was desperate for help. You seem to want to believe you don't need help,which is a stage you need to go through I suppose.

Step Change or National Debt Advisory for debt counselling.

I had hypnotherapy after I was sexually assaulted, it was awful.

Was referred to a counsellor from my GP after an awful divorce and my exh trying to destroy my life. That helped massively because I could talk to someone without fear of judgement.

Since then my counselling of choice has been exercise, but what works for one doesn't for another.

Here's the questions I would ask you.

Why do you think your friend thought you should come for counselling?

Do you agree with these reasons?

Are there things in your life that you feel you need to change?

What do you do when you realise something in your life needs to change? What steps have you taken in the past?

What are your motivations for change? Are they external triggers, do you only consider things when they are pointed out by a third party? Or do you have a sense of when things don't sit right with you?

None of that constitutes advice. It would also only be of any use if you were prepared to engage in the process. If you're not at a point to engage that's fine, although that in itself would be interesting to explore.

I’m a counselling psychologist.

OP, if you’ve had previous bad experiences with counsellors I can see why you might be put off. Like any profession there are good and bad therapists. Try reflecting on what you found unhelpful and bring that up with your therapist (if you decide to go). Therapy is bi- directional- you need to be proactive to get the most out of it. A good therapist will listen to your reservations and to what your goals for therapy are.

A therapist will help you figure out why you do the things you do, the unconscious processes that have brought you where you are and how to figure your way of resolving the difficulty.

Giving advice is like telling an obese person (trying to loose weight) to eat less and move more. Psychotherapy helps that person figure out the real reason they have a food addiction or why they feel safer surrounded by food (for example)

The reason you have to want it in order for success is because it's an emotional and psychological process. It involves active participation where the client is willing to change, to see the defective parts of themselves and question their own processes. It can't work if a client refuses to accept the issues that have been made conscious.

A lot of us have built defenses to protect ourselves (from childhood many times) that have made us what we are, good and bad, therapy exposes such defences.

It's not like medication that chemically alters the brain regardless of your attitude to it.

And another therapist might approach it differently (like myself)

Simply by can you tell me about yourself let’s start by what you feel you want to talk about today

More often than not with clients who are not wanting to engage it will be a trivial annoyance (annoying neighbors and work colleagues are often spoken about) and we work from that point

You may not find it helpful but that you are asking makes be think you are intrigued and you are wanting to make changes just it appears you are stuck or maybe overwhelmed (debt can feel very very overwhelming)

I would get in touch with the debt advisory companies there are a few and are very helpful they will give you financial advice and help you on payment plans

Personal therapy is different. What is the priority at the moment

Also OP, the best part of my training was the extensive personal therapy I had to undergo. Life changing.

I found it an amazing experience, but it all came from me (that's tongue in cheek!). The counsellor barely spoke, I explored issues, went off in different directions, just hearing things said aloud is different to them being inside your head. Every now and then she would make a comment/ask a question. It was amazing how much I have reflected on the very few things she said. She was great.

That said, there are a lot of unscrupulous and unqualified quacks out there, with dodgy certificates even, and long expensive courses of treatment. So I would be wary.

Mine was free through work, so I was lucky, I didn't have to weigh up cost/benefit either

I had counselling. CBT mostly. This is how it helped me:
Gave me space every week to talk and get stuff out
Challenged my way of thinking about things which improved my life no end. That was painful and not easy but so worth it. Like having an operation to get an infection out, sore but worth the pain
Gave me strategies for dealing with difficult areas in my life eg ill dh/ teen out of control. Indirectly helped them too as l changed more order came into my home. They both benefitted.
Gave me confidence. As l was open with counsellor l became more open with others so improved friendships.
Took major anger and feelings of self pity and unfairness out of my life. So increased peace, better sleep, less anxiety and stress happier person.
A good few people said l was a new woman.
Go! Stop fighting against it. If you needed an operation you wouldn't say what good will it do me. But you need to give it your full committment and when its painful do not run away. Face into it and you will come out better. Its a process not a short term thing. I hated the counsellor at times and often swore at him in the car on the way home as he gave me challenges to deal with etc but l was desperate enough for help so perservered.

Fantastic to hear such a positive experience June . The ripple effect is also striking, our actions have such an impact on those around us.

Peach I can identify with the life changing experience of personal therapy. Wish I'd had mine years ago. It's painful but a revelation.

I’ve done it - best money I ever spent but I was hugely cynical before hand

I always thought counselling was a waste of time and not for me. And then three separate people told me that it would probably help, so I looked online and found someone I liked to look of and went for an intro session, still thinking it wasn’t for me. Turns out it was for me, it’s been really helpful. Just having someone neutral that I can rant at about things, cry, whatever, and he does ask me questions, which make me think about what I’m doing/thinking.

It is £45 for 50 minutes, which isn’t cheap, but it’s been worth it. I was going once a week but am now going once a fortnight, and can’t envisage stopping anytime soon.

OP it's like any other life changing process. If you go in thinking it's pointless then it won't work. It's like trying to force someone to diet or give up smoking. If they don't want to and they think it won't work then it won't.

It changed my life. I always thought I was very self aware and knew myself inside and out and counselling brought things out that I had no idea about. I ended up confronting and challenging a lot of coping mechanisms and difficulties I never ever knew I was struggling with because I had accepted them as normal. They weren’t and the therapist helped me work through them and it felt like I lifted a weight I never even knew was dragging me down.

I personally think if you go in with that attitude no it probably won't work

It's not a magic wand or a quick fix it's a sustainable impact on your mental health

Think of it as the difference between meal replacement milkshakes for a diet or a sustained change in lifestyle towards healthy eating and exercise

One will give you sharp short and ultimately unsustainable results that may well leave you worse than before and the other will be slow and steady but will mean long term change

I think counselling is hugely helpful but to be honest it doesn't sound like you are in a place that it would work

I was self harming at 14.
I met current therapist 3 months after I decided I would kill myself at the age of 24.
It's the best but the hardest thing I've done.

I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and didn't see myself as more than a suicide statistic.

He normally charges £54 for a daytime session and £63 in the evening
but I still see him twice a week at a reduced rate.