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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think counselling won’t be that helpful?

77 replies

89tattoos · 17/02/2019 07:25

As well as expensive!

Someone I know thinks I should go for counselling. I think I can’t afford it anyway and even if I could it’s not going to change anything.

What do mnettwrs think?

OP posts:
00100001 · 17/02/2019 08:02

Counsellors will listen and give tools to help you in everyday life until you can accept what's going on inside you.

Jackshouse · 17/02/2019 08:02

In our area the NHS only really want to offer CBT unless there are specific circumstances/issues.

We had done couples counselling which helped us communicate better, I have had sessions with a perinatal clinical psychologist for birth trauma and sessions to help me make a major life changing decision. Each time was approx 6 sections and they really helped.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 17/02/2019 08:06

My Mum is a psychotherapist and says quite often that counselling/therapy only work when you're ready for them. That going when you're in the "this won't help me" mindset will have no effect bar emptying your wallet a little faster because you're simply not ready.

Original poster
89tattoos · 17/02/2019 08:08

I’m not being a dick

If it only works when you’re ready for it that’s a useful sort of get out clause isn’t it?

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 17/02/2019 08:09

I think counselling doesn't work unless hou are able to engage with it and even then not always. In your case, you need to think "what are the alternatives? " The fact that you're ringing the Samaritans (which is good, dont stop if they help) suggests a fairly major issue.

A friend of mine is a life coach, which is not at all the same thing, and helps people who are stuck move forward. It very much depends where the issues lie.

Original poster
89tattoos · 17/02/2019 08:12

I don’t ring them, though I have in the past. I just don’t really see what’s different about what they do and what a counsellor does.

OP posts:
Ragnarthe · 17/02/2019 08:13

Why do you need to think it's a load of crap? If you don't want to have counselling then don't.
Plenty of people here have told you they find it helpful.
It's a process and you have to make effort and engage with it. If you are unable/unwilling to do that it won't help because you won't make any progress.
It's not a get out clause it's how it works.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 17/02/2019 08:14

I’m a trained psychotherapist

When clients come under pressure from others it adds another layer not to say it won’t work but often if they are feeling resentment it makes it more difficult and some clients simply shut down and refuse to engage other times it leads to what the issues are for the client

Original poster
89tattoos · 17/02/2019 08:14

What I’m trying to establish rag is what it does specifically that is helpful. Don’t be so defensive.

OP posts:
Original poster
89tattoos · 17/02/2019 08:15

I get that enthusiasm but then I don’t know, it should ideally work just because it works if you see what I mean.

OP posts:
fuckthisshite · 17/02/2019 08:15

It really helped me and I saw the cost of it as an investment in myself & my future. I did think it wouldn't help for a long time before I went for it.

You come across as scared, if you really believed it wouldn't help at all you would not have started this thread. It is very easy to tell yourself it won't work/won't help when you haven't experienced it.

I agree with other posters saying it won't work until you're ready for it, clearly you are not if you are lying to yourself about if it will help or not.

FaithInfinity · 17/02/2019 08:15

I think it depends on what’s the matter. I’ve had counselling several times (for different issues) all through the NHS, my local service is quite good and you can have up to 6 sessions. Only massive wait is for CBT. It helps me to reframe my thinking and challenge my negative thoughts. It was especially helpful when I was at uni and had a bereavement. I felt very isolated being away from home and counselling just helped me to talk through how I was feeling and process it all.

Yippeee · 17/02/2019 08:16

I didn’t find it particularly helpful and decided that I would get more out of spending the £45ph on a new top.

Original poster
89tattoos · 17/02/2019 08:19

I’m not scared. I’m honestly surprised people are getting defensive because I am asking about the effectiveness or something so expensive.

If I asked on style and beauty about the effectiveness of a shampoo or cream people wouldn’t get arsey about it, unless they were sellers from an MLM or something.

OP posts:
SpanielEars070 · 17/02/2019 08:21

I found it a horrendous experience, though in fairness we chose a private counseller locally and I don't think any of the qualifications after her name were genuine. I wished to God that I'd reported her at the time, she made a distressing time in our lives even worse with her amateur psychology.

Ragnarthe · 17/02/2019 08:23

I'm not being defensive, but of course it's different from the Samaritans. People have told you that.
The Samaritans are not trained counsellors they are volunteers, they don't know you, they can't offer any kind of advice they just listen, you probably won't speak to the same person twice.
A counsellor is a trained professional who has a strategy to help you deal with stuff.
I don't want to go scuba diving but I don't have to convince myself it's rubbish in order to say I prefer not to try it and I can accept that others get something out of it.
As I said before, it's OK not to go to counselling if you don't want to.
I'm not trying to defend counselling to you,it's not suitable for everyone or for every problem. Not going is a valid choice if you don't feel it will help but if you are justifying it to yourself by saying it can't help me, it doesn't work then you are not being honest.
As I said earlier, you won't know if you have never tried it. But if you don't want to that is completely fine.

Original poster
89tattoos · 17/02/2019 08:25

But that isn’t what I am asking.

So a counsellor will give me advice?

OP posts:
BrizzleMint · 17/02/2019 08:26

I found that it made things worse - I had counselling for a bereavement and it really didn't help.

C1rrus · 17/02/2019 08:29

What I’m trying to establish rag is what it does specifically that is helpful.

For a lot of people it can offer a new type of relationship. For example, say you're someone who is always fixing things for everyone else, being strong and looking after everyone. It can be revolutionary for you to experience something different.

Counselling can help bring to awareness things that were out of awareness.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 17/02/2019 08:32

No a counsellor/therapist are not there to give advice

It is for you to come to the conclusion of what you need to do or how you deal with things

Ragnarthe · 17/02/2019 08:33

Counsellors don't give advice.

sagradafamiliar · 17/02/2019 08:34

You sound like me and I can tell you that it isn't useful at all for people like me who are for a want of a better word, cynical. Not natural talkers. Not only can be unhelpful, it can be quite damaging. At one set of sessions I tried, the counsellor used to just sit there and asked me what I wanted to talk about. I thought, 'nothing, no idea. I'm here because I've followed the narrative that if you're a bit fucked up, then you need counselling'.

Namestheyareachangin · 17/02/2019 08:38

If you don't think it's worthwhile then there's no convincing you. If you're in two minds but not desperate, get yourself on the NHS waiting list - unlike most, you'll lose nothing by waiting. When you're eventually seen, it'll be free and you can decide if it's useful.

However I think you are using this forum to reinforce to yourself how tough and forward looking you are. You want people to tell you you need it so you can tell them how much you don't. Why is that so you think?

Imperfectsusan · 17/02/2019 08:38

I don't think you're open to it so I doubt it would help.

Namestheyareachangin · 17/02/2019 08:39

And don't call the bloody Samaritans for counselling. They are an incredibly overstretched service who are supposed to be there for the suicidal.