Domestic duties-Who is BU

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He works FT-own business, normal office hours, short commute. I work PT-3 days a week, normal office hours, short commute. We have 2 children under 3. I would prefer to do 4 days or FT but feel it’s too much nursery time for the kids so have sacrificed working more as he won’t reduce his hours.
I do all house admin, grocery shopping, laundry, presents, tidying, kids admin. He does 80% of nusery pick ups and drop offs and cooking. We both sort the kids out together in the mornings and evenings-ie getting dressed, baths and bedtime. We have equal leisure time.

I find my time at home mainly consists of picking up after everyone and walking around trying to figure out what needs replenishing, fixing, what appointments need attending, endless washing and putting away, dishes. I never sit down until after the kids are in bed which is when we both have down time.

Today i asked him if he could take over responsibility of say 1 category of stuff to be done ie online order of groceries once a week. He went mad saying he works FT and i work PT and no matter how much he does i never think it’s enough. So was i really being unreasonable asking him to take over the mental load of one thing rather than have full responsibility of making sure we have all the stuff we need in the house? It would be nice to for once open the fridge door and have milk in there rather than always be the one to replace it when it has finished.

Have you explained to him that on the days you aren’t in the office you are taking care of children so you may as well be working full time? Does he think that the children just sit in a corner all day or something?

You only have two days a week to do the stuff, it’s not as if you’re a sahm and I think sometimes when one works part time you’re viewed that way. You say you have equal leisure time but you never sit down till kids are in bed - what is he doing at this point? Because if he’s sitting down he’s getting more leisure time!
Sorry have just clocked the age of your dc, you’ll get next to nothing done at home, remind him you are at home for the benefit of the children not for his benefit. If you called his bluff about going back to work full time, what would he say?

From you post he seems to do a lot already.
Why don't you do online shopping? Keep a list on fridge or somewhere of things that are running low then add them to an online shopping basket.

YANBU. It's not like your a lady of leisure choosing not to work while your kids are at school all day. Presumably your two days at home are spent running around after kids anyway so you don't have a lot of free time.

Doing online shopping won’t have the slightest impact on the mental load of being in charge of the shopping though, will it? Perhaps some kind of shared phoned app list that whoever was near a supermarket picked up - Op could do it IF it fell on her days off, on any other says either of them could. It’s a lot easier shopping without dc with you.

@Geminijes i do already do online shopping. My point is why do i have to be the one making sure the kids have nappies, clothes, etc while also keeping the fridge stocked, toothpaste and loo roll from running out? Surely he did all those things before we were together and ran his business.

I contribute financially, he is not keeping me. Why should i not have the luxury of having some household items just appear without me thinking about them or my clothes just appearing freshly laundered in my wardrobe.

Presumably you do have the luxury of ready-prepared meals just appearing in front of you?

I'm not sure about this one, and I'm normally very militantly pro FT working partners doing their share of housework. But if you both have equal down-time, that sounds pretty fair.

Are you saying the mental load impacts on your down-time so you can't relax in the same way he does?

Although... flip side.. it does make sense for the person who does the cooking to be the one who also does the shopping.

I admit the prepared meals are very nice. However, all the cleaning up is then left to me and i have to get the correct groceries in which makes no sense to me as i am not cooking. I still also do a lot of cooking too for the kids and clean as i go as they eat meals earlier than us.

In his downtime he can just switch the xbox on. In my downtime i still have to do the online shopping, order kids stuff, think about how the next day is going to run smoothly, what social events are on the calendar in the next few days, medical appointments. If i don’t say something needs to be done for example a dentist appointment for the older child it will never be done. If i didn’t start with potty training it would never happen. I didn’t sign up for being in charge of all the mental load. Surely it should be split between us.

Unfortunately this sounds more fair than most relationships.

You’re not getting any down time if you’re still doing chores during your time. You basically are, just not visible like the washing up or what have you.

I think start from working out how much downtime you each have (sounds as if you have a fair idea) and then making the point as you do in your last post.

If he has a lot more time to relax than you, he could afford to take on a bit more.

If you are cooking one meal (for the children) and he is cooking another (for the two of you), and you do all the clearing up for both, then TBH I don't really see that the cooking is such a big chore he's doing.

To be honest it sounds pretty fair to me.

If you really want to make it clear the do not list the things you do... List the hours of leisure activity you each get.

Then ask him if he can see your point...

It sounds like you have a fair split to me. What the hell is all this household admin I keep hearing about on MN that takes so long?

Sounds fair to me

It sounds like it’s fair, and your dissatisfaction comes more because you don’t actually like the role you have - rather than you doing more.

You said you don’t actually want to work PT but you didn’t want to use more nursery time - so you’ve got a role you don’t actually want or enjoy.

This would be like both of you working full time without any kids and one of you liking your job and the other not.

I’m not convinced about life admin and mental load. It really just isn’t a big deal making sure there is milk in the fridge. It just becomes a big deal when you feel you’re getting the full job with no glory. I get that you’re not talking about just milk, but all the other milk like tasks that add up! But I’d still make the same point - even with an accumulation of them, domestic and family admin just isn’t that hard, and the mental load is what you choose it to be.

I keep 2 cartons of long life milk in a cupboard and always add it to my list when the first is opened (or my husband does). For under 3 year olds, how much “admin” is there, really? You’re not even managing school events yet. As for clothing - there is nothing that those ages outgrow that’s so critical or unusual that it can’t wait or be ordered on Amazon without ever getting off your backside!

It’s OK to be pissed off because you’re doing jobs you don’t want to - but be really honest with yourself, and him with you, about whether you’re really seeing an unfair split before you both create tension. Two under 3 is really hard - pull together.

YANBU.
OP has 2 under 3. Those 2 ‘non-working’ days are not easy days!

I don’t know the solution though.
I work 3 days a week, 2 pre-schoolers the other 2 days. My easiest day is by far the one day a week all I do is work (no drop off/pick up). My hardest days are my 2 non- working days!

And re ‘what is this admin’ question. This week i’ve ordered new waterproof trousers for DD who ripped hers, ordered new waterproof wash. Sewed buttons back on a duvet cover. Placed online shopping order, made sure i’m in for it, put it away when it arrives. Been to the post office to send something family holiday related. Enquired about dates for another family holiday. Paid nursery bills (hours vary so cant just auto-pay). Bought birthday present for party tomorrow. That’s just what I can remember quickly here. Nothing takes too long but it’s constant little bits that take up your time. It’s on top of the usual washing, cooking, cleanup stuff.

2 things OP, can you get a dishwasher and/or cleaner?

And no I don’t think YABU. What you do about it though I’m not so sure.

Ok i’m totally willing to admit i’m BU because i don’t want to be left with the majority of the domestic role. Maybe life admin isn’t a big deal but going from just thinking about me to also being in charge of anticipating the needs of 2 children and another adult feels like a big change.
I only asked if he could take over 1 thing of his choosing and i will still do all of the rest. Cleaning, laundry, dishes, online grocery shopping, bills, preparing kids meals to be done while looking after a toddler and baby on 2 days still doesn’t sound particularly fair to me but i’m willing to take the opinion of the majority.

Would some sort of chart help here? To demonstrate how many things are falling to your to organise?

I think the issue is that you're meant to have equal free time but yet you're doing all this stuff in the evening. Perhaps the way to go is to not do any of it in the evening and if it doesn't get done then just shrug your shoulders and say you didn't have time.

I'm not clear whether you really do have equal leisure time. Is that the issue or is it that you feel that you do more of the organizational, thinking stuff and he does purely practical chores?

BTW, my top tip for not running out of stuff is to always have one more of everything than you actually need. When you open the 'spare' then it's time to put it on the shopping list (via Alexa, so no thinking required). So for example, I always have one tube of toothpaste on the go and one in the cupboard. When I open a new one I put it on the shopping list so I never have to make any judgements about whether we have enough to last until the weekly shop. Fortunately we have lots of cupboards! I bet everyone is going to say they already do this and I'm slow on the uptake but this has slowly changed my life and reduced the number of extra shopping trips we do.

YANBU

I am a SAHM to two similar aged kids and my absolute pet peeve on MN is when people imply that I should have tonnes of time to focus on domestic chores. They either assume I have the type of children that are happy to occupy themselves in a safe manner whilst I crack on with things (unfortunately no) or that the children nap consistently for reasonable amounts of time to facilitate getting stuff done (also no). Realistically I don't have much more time to get domestic chores done than my DH who works FT, especially if you factor in that a lot of the jobs I manage to complete have only arisen as a result of that day's activities so it's not like you're making a dent on the chores that need to be done on a weekly/monthly basis to keep things ticking along smoothly.

Basically what I'm trying to say is that in some scenarios having more time at home looking after children does not make you better positioned to crack on with domestic chores versus someone that work FT out of the house. It's not laziness or inefficiency, it's just the reality of having young children that demand so much attention and create work by being at home. Just because your partner works more hours it doesn't mean he gets to pick and choose what domestic chores he does.

Another general point I would make is that I notice a trend both on MN and IRL where people belittle the work associated with looking after children and domestic work. Like your DH, they are very keen to make out that these activities are so easy that someone working PT or a SAHP should be able to do everything in whatever additional time they have at home with the kids, however these tasks suddenly become incredibly difficult when it's suggested that the activities could be reallocated.

In his downtime he can just switch the xbox on. In my downtime i still have to do the online shopping, order kids stuff, think about how the next day is going to run smoothly, what social events are on the calendar in the next few days, medical appointments.

If you’re doing those things then it isn’t downtime! That’s doing chores.

How much genuine downtime do you each get - by which I mean time doing something you enjoy plus sleeping time? If he gets more then it’s not fair.

The point is that you're not happy. That you would prefer to take on an extra day's paid work, and share out the admin a bit more - perhaps he could drop a day of work himself, so you work equal amounts of time for instance.

It's not on for him to just blanket say no. Relationships are a negotiation and a compromise.

(note that I am in a similar position, and, to be frank, I think it's very foolish of a partner to do this if they want to stay in a relationship, because eventually, the person doing all the admin is going to start wondering what they're getting out of having a partner.)