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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dss wants to live here

70 replies

Vivienharmon · 15/02/2019 23:14

Nc for this. Dss (19) has decided he wants to live here with me and his dad. He was working but left due to “stress” and then quit college for the same reason. He wants to stay here full time,
I have told dh he needs to at least be looking for
Full time work or go back to college before he can stay in this house. Both my dc work and pay digs.

OP posts:
TedAndLola · 15/02/2019 23:15

If yours didn't work and pay you, would you evict them?

Why did you put stress in speech marks?

Original poster
Vivienharmon · 15/02/2019 23:17

They would be told to actively look for work,
Yes.
Stress in speech marks because dss dsd and their mother all known for being very very dramatic.

OP posts:
Pinkyyy · 15/02/2019 23:17

Have you asked about the cause of his stress or offered any support? It's clearly affecting him very badly, to the point where he wants to move out- and you're concerned about money?

TedAndLola · 15/02/2019 23:18

And if they didn't try hard enough to find work, in your opinion, and claimed to be stressed?

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 15/02/2019 23:19

Ime he is choosing the easier to manipulate dp.

Pinkyyy · 15/02/2019 23:19

They would be told to actively look for work,
Yes

You didn't really answer the PP's question. If your DC wasn't in a position to be able to work, would you make them homeless?

Original poster
Vivienharmon · 15/02/2019 23:19

Then they would have to move out obviously Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
Vivienharmon · 15/02/2019 23:20

Being stressed doesn’t mean you can’t look for work

OP posts:
TedAndLola · 15/02/2019 23:20

Then they would have to move out obviously

Yeah, sure they would.

Original poster
Vivienharmon · 15/02/2019 23:21

I work part time while looking after my ds the rest of the time, on a higher medication for depression than dss is. If he wants to stay here, then he contributes that’s it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vivienharmon · 15/02/2019 23:22

If I told him he didn’t have to worry about paying digs he would lie in his wanking chariot til 12 noon every day, while the rest of the household worked. Not a chance.

OP posts:
Tillygetsit · 15/02/2019 23:24

I think YABU OP. Where will he go if not to you?

Pinkyyy · 15/02/2019 23:24

Wow you sound absolutely spiteful. You're saying his problems don't matter because you're taking a stronger medication? And that you'd throw your own children out on the street. You clearly have no idea just how crippling stress can be.

NChangeForNoReason · 15/02/2019 23:25

Strongly suggest they see a doc about their anxiety, ask they tackle their stress and prove they want to get well.

Confirm they must have a job of some description but you are happy for this to be a voluntary unpaid position - A few hours a week in a charity shop helping others can only help with future job interviews and help with anxiety/stress!

BagpussAteMyHomework · 15/02/2019 23:25

If his mother’s home is full of drama perhaps a break from that would be good.

What does his dad want?

TortoiseLettuce · 15/02/2019 23:26

Where does he live now? Why can’t he stay there? I’m afraid I wouldn’t be letting a 19yo move in when he presumably has a perfectly good home already and no history of ever having lived with you.

Weenurse · 15/02/2019 23:30

I am with you, look for work, volunteer, study anything to get them out of bed and out of the house.
Mine also have MH issues but minor. I have found they are much better when they exercise. One is good at self motivation, the other I drag out of bed when I get home from work, to walk the dog with me.
This is the one who is happy to work casual but is digging in heels about looking for a full time job.

PurpleWithRed · 15/02/2019 23:30

YANBU If you have good reason to believe he will just loaf around freeloading from you.

QueenAnneBoleyn · 15/02/2019 23:33

YANBU.
At 19 it’s not unreasonable for him to still expect parental support yet he needs to meet you halfway and make an effort. He needs to have a plan / intentions for his immediate future.
Do you think the stress is genuine or is it laziness? Or something else?

BagpussAteMyHomework · 15/02/2019 23:37

How much time does he spend with his dad now?

GreenTulips · 15/02/2019 23:41

So many 17/19 year olds round here drop out of college and jobs etc because they can’t be bothered. I don’t understand why you are all pondering to this grown man who a few generations ago would be living with a wife and child on the way.

We all get stressed - he needs to deal with it and get a job

Crunchymum · 15/02/2019 23:44

Wanking Chariot? Did I actually just read this?????

Original poster
Vivienharmon · 15/02/2019 23:46

Crunchymum yeah, why?

OP posts:
YetAnotherSpartacus · 15/02/2019 23:47

YANBU - of course he needs to be doing something whether it is work, looking for work, studying or volunteering - otherwise what would he do? If he has MH issues that incapacitate him then he needs to get these assessed towards possible disability provisions.

Where is he living now? What would the conditions be if he lived with his mother?

You won't win on this one on MN by the way - stepmothers have all care and responsibility for making sure that DSCs are treated with kid gloves but should not expect any control over how they are treated (even in their own homes) or thanks for doing it - and whatever they do it will never be enough.

Serin · 15/02/2019 23:47

"Lying in his wanking chariot"
Blimey OP.
You really dont like him do you.

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